Poison & Wine

by Melissa Toppen

  This is a pattern with him. He gets clean. He falls off the wagon. Does something that lands him in jail, and then eventually, back in rehab. It is a complete, never ending cycle.

  I may have left four years ago, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been privy to what’s been going on with him. Every few months I meet up with a mutual friend of ours from high school for dinner. At some point, Jace always enters the conversation. And as much as I claim to not want to know anything about what or how he’s doing, the truth is I do. I want to know everything. Because despite it all, I still love him. I think I always will. And I can’t see a day when I won’t want to know that he’s okay, or rather still alive.

  “You ready to go home?” I ask my daughter, kissing her warm cheek.

  She bounces in my arms, her auburn curls swaying as she does. Emotion clogs my throat. While she may have gotten my hair, the rest of her is all Jace. Her eyes. Her smile. Hell, even the way she laughs.

  “Can we go see Aunt Kiki?” She places her hands on either side of my face and squeezes. While Kiera is technically her second cousin, she’s always referred to herself as Ellie’s aunt. Probably because we’re more like sisters than cousins.

  “Not today.” I watch her expression fall. “But how about this. Maybe tomorrow we can go to the park and Aunt Kiki can come? How does that sound?”

  “I’m going to the park with Aunt Kiki,” she proclaims to Gianna, squirming in my arms.

  “Maybe.” I tap her on the nose before lowering her to her feet. “Now, go get your bag.”

  I smile, watching her scurry away moments later.

  “That girl is something else.” Gianna draws my attention to her. “You’re going to have your hands full when she gets older.”

  “Lord don’t I know it.” I laugh, shaking my head. “How much do I owe you for today?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Gianna, this is how you earn a living. I can’t not pay you.”

  “She was here for a couple of hours and played with the girls the entire time. You pay me enough each week. I think I can throw in a freebie here and there.”

  I study her for a long moment.

  For a mother of two girls, two and five, who has several other children in and out of her home most days, she really keeps up with herself. When I’m not working, I mostly live in my pajamas. Whereas Gianna looks like a million bucks every day. Her dark hair is always straight and smooth, and she always wears the cutest outfits. She makes me feel like a bum often. Of course it doesn’t hurt that she also has the most gorgeous brown skin, curves I would probably die for, and legs for days. For a woman in her early thirties that juggles kids all day, she’s got it going on.

  “You’re the best.” I smile, feeling so blessed that Ellie and I found her.

  Gianna and her family live three houses down from us, and I was beyond excited when I moved in a few months ago and found out that someone in my neighborhood ran an in-home daycare. The fact that we hit it off instantly was icing on the cake.

  I was terrified about leaving Ellie with a stranger at first, but Gianna has become like family. She keeps Ellie through the day so I can rest, while Kiera keeps her overnight while I’m at work. The joys of being a third shift ER nurse and all. Luckily, I work three twelves so it’s not that bad.

  I hate the long nights, but at the same time I love having four days off to spend with Ellie, so the positive outweighs the negative most days. And I know that I won’t have to do it forever. Eventually I hope to move to day shift, though that might be a while considering I’ve only been working there for a year. Seniority and all.

  “I do what I can.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal, both of our gazes swinging to Ellie as she comes running back into the foyer, her little backpack bouncing on her back.

  “Mama, you ready?” She takes my hand, tugging me toward the door.

  “Guess that means she’s ready to go.” I throw a small wave at Gianna. “Thank you again.” I allow Ellie to pull me out of the front door.

  “Anytime.” Gianna holds the door open by wedging her body in the frame. “I’ll see you on Thursday, Ellie.”

  “Okay!” Ellie waves excitedly. Moments later, the door closes behind us as we make our way down the sidewalk.

  “So, did you have fun today?” I ask her, holding her tiny hand in mine.

  “Yep.” She starts skipping.

  If there’s one thing I can say about my child, she never lacks energy.

  It takes us less than a minute to reach our ranch style home. It’s an older house, but the previous owners did a complete remodel on it before they sold it, so it feels new. The exterior has all new white siding with dark gray shutters and door. And the inside is even nicer. Wood floors throughout, which is perfect when you have a toddler who spills everything, a new kitchen complete with white cabinets and stainless-steel appliances, and it’s an open concept so I’m able to watch Ellie in the living room while cooking. All three bedrooms and both bathrooms are located at the back of the house. There’s even a small, furnished apartment attached to the backside of the garage. Although I’ve yet to really figure out what to do with it. With it being only me and Ellie, I don’t really need the extra space.

  I snag my keys out of my purse before unlocking the door. Ellie runs inside, dropping her book bag on the floor before heading toward her bedroom.

  I veer toward the kitchen, dropping my purse on the island before crossing to the refrigerator to grab a water. After the day I’ve had, I wish I had something far stronger than water right about now.

  Jace comes back to the forefront of my mind. He looked good. Better than I had expected. I don’t know why, but in my head I imagined him scrawny with missing teeth and sunken cheekbones, but that isn’t what he looked like at all.

  He looked… healthy. Lean like he always was, maybe even a little bulkier, if that’s possible given his lifestyle choices. His brown hair was trimmed short and the week-old scruff on his cheeks made him look like I’d remembered him. He’d be clean shaven for about two days, then scruffy for the next two weeks. Those last days before he shaved were always my favorite.

  I twist off the cap of my water and take a long drink, the ache in my chest growing as I recall our interaction from a couple of hours ago.

  I hadn’t expected to feel the way that I did. I knew it would be difficult to see him. I just didn’t expect for all those familiar feelings to come rushing to the surface the instant his blue eyes met mine.

  How many times have I stared into those eyes? Gotten lost in their depths? A hundred? A million? It’s hard to say. But looking into them again, I was not prepared for the onslaught of memories as they came pouring in.

  I wanted to be angry. I tried to be angry. But as I sat across that table, staring at the boy I’ve loved for over half my life, all I felt was sadness.

  Sadness that he had fallen so far. Sadness over the life we don’t have and will never get to have. Sadness that the one person I want to find solace in is the one person I can’t. Because he’s the one who did this to us.

  He broke us.

  He broke me.

  And no matter how badly I wish that weren’t the case, it is.

  The only thing I can do now is continue to move on with the new life I’m building and pray that maybe one day Jace will find his way.

  “Mama.” I look up as Ellie comes running into the room, her two favorite dolls in her arms. “Come play with me.” She narrows her gaze, letting me know it’s not a request in her sweet mind.

  I chuckle at her expression. Always the demanding little diva.

  “Okay. But just for a few minutes. We’re going to meet Lance for dinner in a little bit. Does that sound good?”

  “Mac and cheese?” She gives me a toothy grin.

  “Yes, we can go somewhere that has mac and cheese.” I giggle, setting my water on the island.

  “Now play.” She holds her hand out, impatiently waiting for me to take it.

  After my e
arlier meeting, my mind goes to how much she reminds me of her father. It’s something I’ve purposely avoided thinking about over the last three years, but every now and then I can’t help it. There is so much of him in her. So many little quirks and facial expressions that make me want to both laugh and cry at the same time.

  “Now play.” I smile, allowing her to pull me down the hallway.

  “You seem quiet,” Lance observes, sitting across the small round table from me, a large plate of spaghetti in front of him.

  “Just tired.” I swirl my fork through my fettuccine, having barely touched it since the waitress sat it in front of me.

  “Anything you want to talk about?” He tilts his head slightly, studying me.

  Lance is a great guy. Sweet, funny, caring, and not to mention, pretty easy on the eyes. Broad shoulders. Dark hair and eyes. A crooked smile that most women would melt at the sight of.

  Don’t get me wrong, I like him. But after a few months of dating, I feel like I should more than just like him. And maybe I do. Maybe I’m afraid to let myself go there because the last time I did…

  Well, we all know how that ended.

  I have fun with him. We like a lot of the same things. And he can make me laugh at the drop of a hat. But I’ve always felt like there was something missing. Passion. Excitement. Danger. With Lance, there is none.

  And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. He’s reliable, responsible and smart as hell. He makes me feel safe. With Lance, I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m enjoying the moment. Which is leaps and bounds from my relationship with Jace.

  Even still, the stagnancy of our relationship seems more apparent tonight. Though I don’t have to venture very far to figure out why that is.

  I push the thought away and refocus. Lance doesn’t deserve my uncertainty or my distance. He deserves to have me present and with him, not thinking about a man who chose drugs over the woman he supposedly loved.

  “Not really,” I answer after too much time has passed. “Honestly, I want to forget today ever happened and move on.” My gaze swings to Ellie when she bangs her spoon against her bowl of noodles. I shake my head slowly at her, letting her know that’s not okay.

  She grins that same toothy grin, then shovels a heaping bite of mac and cheese into her mouth, a couple noodles falling down the front of her shirt.

  I shake my head, not able to suppress the smile that tugs at my lips.

  “Did Keira tell you she won tickets to the Hanover Festival at work today?” Lance directs the conversation into safer territory.

  “No, she didn’t.” I pause a moment before asking, “What’s the Hanover Festival?”

  “You’ve never heard of the Hanover Festival?” He hits me with a look of disbelief. “It’s only the biggest music festival in the entire state of Mississippi.”

  “I take it you’ve been before?”

  “I’ve been every year since I was eighteen.”

  “So then you’ve been ten times.”

  “Has it been that many years?” He thinks about it. “Wow, I guess it has. Hard to believe. Time just goes way too fast.”

  “Yes it does,” I agree, glancing back at Ellie who is wearing more cheese on her face than she probably has in her stomach. Seems like only yesterday she was this tiny, fragile thing. Now she’s a spunky, bossy, very talkative three-year-old who seems to get a bigger personality with each day that passes.

  “Anyway, tickets are really hard to come by. They sold out the day after they went on sale this year. I’m not even sure how Frank got his hands on two just three weeks before the festival,” he says, referring to his boss.

  “And Keira won them?” I turn my gaze back to him.

  “She did.”

  “That’s pretty cool.” I twirl some noodles around my fork before finally taking an actual bite.

  “It’s more than cool. It means now you can go with me.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask after swallowing, reaching for my tea.

  “Chez got tickets months ago for me and him.”

  “Right. But how do you know Keira’s giving me one of her tickets?” I question, pressing the straw between my lips before taking a drink.

  “Because she said she was.”

  “Where is this again?”

  “It’s down in Westerville.”

  “Westerville? That’s like three hours away.”

  “Yeah.” He nods. “We get a hotel room. Though you’ll probably be hard pressed to find a room this late in the game. I guess worse case you two could always crash with us. Not sure how Kiera will feel about sharing a bed with Chez.”

  “Why do you need a hotel room for a festival? Couldn’t you just drive back that night?”

  “It’s a three-day event.”

  “Three days?” I choke, setting my glass back down. “I can’t leave Ellie for three days. Where would she go?”

  “I’m sure Gianna would keep her.”

  “I can’t ask Gianna to do that. That’s too much, even for her.”

  “So you’re saying you won’t even consider it?” He seems a little annoyed, though I’m not sure why. I made it very clear to him when we started seeing each other that Ellie would always come first.

  It’s not like she has grandparents she can stay with. And if Keira is going too, that rules out every option I have.

  I’m sure most twenty-three-year olds would jump at the chance to spend a weekend away at a music festival. But I’m not your average twenty-three-year-old. I don’t go out drinking or party with friends. Hell, my social life consists of my cousin, my boyfriend, and my daughter’s babysitter, if that tells you how lackluster I am.

  “I’m saying that if Keira asks, I’ll probably tell her to take one of her friends. It’s not like she has a shortage in that department. And if it’s as big of a deal as you’re saying, I’m sure one of them will jump at the opportunity to go.”

  “Oakley.” He drops his napkin in his lap before reaching across the table, his hand coming to a rest on top of mine seconds later. “You know it’s okay to go out and have fun every now and again.”

  “I know that.” I try not to be offended by the statement. “But I also have responsibilities.”

  “So do I. So does everyone. But you have to make time for yourself.”

  I know he’s trying to be helpful, but for some reason it pisses me off.

  I think it’s just today. Seeing Jace has me irritated and on edge.

  “Well, Keira hasn’t invited me. If she does, I’ll consider it. How’s that?” I offer, in an attempt to appease him.

  “That’s all I ask. I think you’d have a lot of fun.”

  I don’t doubt that I would. But again, my cousin hasn’t asked me, so I feel like this is kind of a moot point at the moment.

  “So, how was work?” I ask, eager to change the subject.

  “It was work.” He shrugs, shoveling a bite of spaghetti into his mouth.

  There’s a slight lull in conversation, and while I usually feel completely at ease with Lance, something about tonight has me anxious to get out of here and back home.

  I’d agreed to dinner because I didn’t want seeing Jace to upset the normal balance of things. Only it has. Even if I didn’t want it to.

  It’s hard to explain.

  There’s so much history there. So much pain and heartache. But there’s a lot of love there too. A lot of amazing memories peppered amongst all the bad. Before Jace started using. Before things spiraled so far out of control that neither of us could find our way back.

  I try to keep my mood up as we finish dinner and Lance pays the bill. I try to act like I’m fine and that everything is great, but in truth I’ve had a hard knot slowly growing in my stomach the entire time I’ve been sitting across the table from him.

  He walks me and Ellie to my car, lingering long enough that I know he’s waiting for an invitation back. And while normally I’d be happy to spend more time with him, right now I want to go home a
nd get some sleep. To try to cleanse myself of this day.

  He waits until I have Ellie secured in her car seat before speaking, “So.”

  “So.” I blow out a breath.

  He rocks back on his heels, his hands shoved into the front pockets of his dark jeans.

  “You feel up to some company tonight?” he asks outright.

  “Actually, I’m pretty exhausted. I didn’t get much sleep last night,” I answer honestly. And it’s true, I didn’t. It’s hard flipping back and forth from nights to days. When I work, I sleep during the day. When I’m off work, I try to keep myself on Ellie’s schedule so that I go to bed and wake up when she does. Sometimes the transition is a bit daunting.

  Of course, that’s not the full truth. While I may be tired, I’m also very distracted. And right now I feel like I need to be alone with my daughter.

  “Okay.” He doesn’t try to hide his disappointment. “Tomorrow maybe?”

  “Maybe. I promised Ellie we’d go to the park tomorrow and I have a few errands to run.”

  “Okay. Well, I guess I’ll call you after work?”

  “Yeah, that sounds good.” I force a smile, pushing up on my tiptoes to lay a soft kiss to his lips.

  Chapter Five

  OAKLEY

  Seven years ago

  * * *

  “Jace!” I scream as my feet leave the ground seconds before I’m tossed over his shoulder, his rich laughter dancing around me.

  “You’re getting in, Oak. Whether you want to or not.”

  The chuckles and hoots of encouragement from our friends fill my ears as Jace takes off down the dock, me flailing over him. Seconds later, we’re airborne. I catch sight of the end of the dock moments before I disappear under the warm water.

  I kick free of Jace’s hold and push to the surface, sputtering and laughing the instant I find air. Jace pops up next to me, his whole face alight with humor.

  “You asshole.” I splash at him, causing another bout of laughter to roll through him.