The Seven Secrets of Happiness

by Sharon Owens

  ‘Okay.’

  They looked at each other for a minute and then began to kiss again. Tom moved his hands down under the duvet and Ruby gasped as he began to push her knees apart.

  ‘Oh, already?’ she said as he began to make love to her again. ‘Oh, Tom, you’re something else. Shouldn’t we have breakfast first? Freshen up a little?’

  ‘I can’t wait. Is it okay?’ he asked, kissing her passionately.

  ‘Um, yes, oh, well, oh… yes! Oh yes!’

  40. The Stork

  ‘Oh no… Oh God…’ Jasmine said simply. Then she sat down on the edge of the bath and burst into tears. She was definitely pregnant. There was no doubt about it. And why wouldn’t she be? She’d had more sex in the last few weeks than in the last five years put together. Sometimes she and Mark had sex three times a day! Mornings, evenings and in the middle of the night…

  She picked up her mobile phone and rang Ruby.

  ‘Guess what?’

  ‘What?’ Ruby said.

  ‘I’m pregnant,’ Jasmine said slowly.

  ‘Really? Oh my God. Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes, I’m sure.’

  ‘Have you done a second test to confirm?’

  ‘Yes. I did ten tests today. And ten yesterday! Cost me a bloody fortune from the chemist’s.’ And so it had. She’d be living on sliced bread and tinned soup for the rest of the month.

  ‘Oh my God, Jasmine!’ Ruby said. ‘Twenty pregnancy tests can’t be wrong. You must be pregnant! This is so exciting; I’m feeling giddy myself! Are you totally ecstatic? Congratulations, you clever girl! Oh my God!’

  ‘Congratulations? Oh bloody hell. What am I going to do now?’ Jasmine sighed heavily.

  ‘Well, let me see. You’re having a baby. So that means you might get very sick in the mornings, possibly. Put on a bit of weight round your tummy area. Get varicose veins, piles and stretch marks? I daresay bigger boobs are a definite maybe. And you’ll buy a cot and a pram and hundreds of cuddly toys. And a breast pump. And at the end of all that, you’ll have a beautiful baby in your arms and life will never be the same again.’

  ‘Shut up, Ruby. I’m scared stiff here.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I was only trying to make you laugh. Or feel happy.’

  ‘It’s okay. But I’m not happy – I’m terrified.’

  ‘You are keeping the baby, aren’t you?’ Ruby asked nervously.

  ‘I guess so,’ Jasmine said, feeling her stomach for any little baby-shaped lumps. ‘I’m not getting any younger.’

  ‘Well that’s silly, you’re no age. But it’s brilliant news,’ Ruby said, almost weak with relief and happiness. ‘I know it’s utterly selfish of me to say it, but if you weren’t going to keep the baby I’d rather not have known about the pregnancy at all.’

  ‘Ruby O’Neill!’ Jasmine scolded. ‘How could you not support my right to choose?’

  ‘I know, I know. And I do support your right to choose

  … But it’s just you’re both so bloody good-looking. You and Mark both, you’re like supermodels. This baby will be only beautiful.’

  ‘You shallow little cow.’

  ‘Aye, whatever. It’s true. You can’t go wrong with your genes and Mark’s together.’

  ‘A beautiful baby, huh?’

  ‘Yup! Bound to be,’ Ruby laughed.

  ‘I hope so too actually! Is that awful of me? I never thought of it before now, but you do see some pig-nosed little creatures nowadays, don’t you? Some wee boys who look like mini-thugs already… And then you look at the fathers and they’ve got the same tough-nut expressions, and you think to yourself, Jesus Christ! How could the mother have got herself up the duff to such an ugly git?’

  ‘Jasmine, you’re a snobby bitch!’

  ‘I know I am. But I would never sleep with a man who had a piggy nose, just in case the kids all ended up looking like wee piglets! I’d be fucking mortified at the school gates. God, I really am a right bitch!’ Jasmine said happily.

  ‘Ah, you’re not the worst of them, don’t worry. Yes, any child of yours will be a total beauty. An absolute angel… You’re so lucky to be having a wee baby, you know. I’d love to have a baby myself,’ Ruby sighed.

  ‘Would you really?’

  ‘Of course I would.’

  ‘Well then, tell Tom to get on and do the business,’ Jasmine giggled.

  ‘Just like that?’ Ruby laughed.

  ‘Yes, why not? He’s very good at planting seeds, isn’t he?’

  ‘Ha, ha. Some day, maybe.’

  ‘Some day? You’re thirty-four, love. I’ll have a word with him for you, shall I?’

  ‘No thanks, don’t you bother yourself.’

  ‘Ruby, will you fire me if I get morning sickness?’ Jasmine asked.

  ‘No, of course not. You can throw up in one of our candy-striped carriers.’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ Jasmine said. ‘They’re very well made. Strong enough to withstand projectile vomiting.’

  ‘Um, I take that offer back now you’ve painted such a pretty picture for me. Seriously, Jasmine, it’ll be fine. You’re not a kid any more.’

  ‘I feel like one sometimes. I feel like a total eejit.’

  ‘Yes, I know you do, but you’re not. We’ll sort out suitable hours for you if you want to go on working. And Mark’s a lovely man. You’ll be fine. Have you told him yet?’

  ‘No, I’ll tell him tonight,’ Jasmine sighed. ‘He’s coming over for dinner.’

  ‘Okay. How pregnant are you? Do you know?’

  ‘About four weeks, I think. Or maybe five weeks or maybe six? I lost track of the time. It must have happened very soon after we met up again.’

  ‘Do you feel pregnant?’

  ‘Not terribly. A little bit off my food. Can’t face eggs or chips.’

  ‘Don’t you feel any different?’

  ‘My boobs do look bigger, but I thought it was my new balcony bra. Or else it was all the extra sex giving my auld hormones a boost?’

  ‘Oh, Jasmine!’

  ‘I know. I’m fucking hopeless.’

  ‘No, you’re not. Jasmine, listen, can I be the official godmother, please? I know it’s not a role that’s really talked about much these days, but I’d love to be the godmother. I’ll babysit for you any time you like. And I’ll do up the nursery too when you get one. And remind you when it’s time to go for vaccinations. And when to apply to a primary school… You’ve got to put your name down years in advance to get into a top primary school, you know.’

  ‘I know, Mark mentioned that once. God, he’s going to get the shock of his life when I tell him. Oh, Ruby, thank you for being so great about this. I’ve been so worried about how I’d cope. I didn’t know how I was going to tell everybody. Especially my parents! But now I feel sort of okay about the baby coming. The baby, imagine that! You’re the best friend ever.’

  ‘I know I am and don’t you forget it, miss,’ Ruby said happily.

  41. The Engagement

  Jasmine put down her knife and fork and began toying with the red tulips Mark had just brought her.

  ‘Listen, Mark, I’ve something really important to tell you,’ Jasmine began nervously. Wondering how she could break the news to him without making him have a heart attack. Or think she’d done it on purpose. She knew they’d been taking a few risks with birth control, but then again the pill had always made her feel queasy and they hadn’t always bothered with a condom if Jasmine thought it wasn’t her most fertile time of the month. She’d never been caught out before. Somehow she’d assumed her body would only make a baby whenever she wanted it to.

  ‘Are we pregnant?’ Mark asked gently, hopefully.

  ‘What did you say? What are you talking about?’

  ‘I said, are we pregnant?’

  It was so scary hearing him say it out loud like that.

  ‘Where’s this come from?’ she said, playing for time.

  ‘Well, you’ve not touched your wine all evening. Not a single sip and i
t was a really good bottle too. The lamb chops were very well done, almost charred. Usually we have them just medium. You keep touching your stomach and your boobs look a tiny, tiny bit bigger. Am I right or am I right?’

  ‘You don’t miss much, I’ll give you that. I’m not in the mood for wine, that’s all. And I lost track of the time when I was cooking and I’m wearing a new bra,’ Jasmine said defensively, shrugging her shoulders.

  ‘Oh, that’s fine then. It’s just I thought you hugged me a bit differently too when I got here this evening. Not as tightly as you normally hug me.’

  ‘You sound almost disappointed, Mark. Do you want a baby?’

  ‘Sure I do.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah, really.’

  ‘I thought most men would run for the hills if their new girlfriend was suddenly preggers.’

  ‘Not me. I’d be delighted. I’d love to have a family of my own, one day. Of our own.’

  ‘Interesting, very interesting,’ Jasmine said thoughtfully, a slight twinkle in her eyes.

  ‘Obviously it’d be nice to have a couple of years to ourselves before the sprogs come along,’ Mark said matter-of-factly.

  ‘Yes, obviously,’ she agreed, feeling strangely elated. To listen to Mark, it was almost as if they were married already.

  ‘But, still, a baby would be lovely,’ he said, his eyes beseeching hers.

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘Jasmine love, I can’t play this game any more. I know you’re pregnant,’ Mark said, holding her hand tenderly across the table.

  ‘You do? How come?’

  ‘Because when I was in the bathroom earlier I went to throw the empty loo-roll tube in the bin. I’m a bit funny like that. I just go and tidy up without thinking. It goes with the job.’

  ‘And you saw the test sticks?’

  ‘Yes. A big load of them… All with blue lines.’

  ‘Oh no, I should’ve hidden them better,’ Jasmine said crossly. ‘I’m such a twit.’

  ‘Well, are you going to put me out of my misery or aren’t you? Are we having a baby? Or were those tests for somebody else? A friend of yours?’

  ‘They’re mine,’ she admitted, sighing so much her chin practically hit the glass table.

  ‘Oh, Jasmine, that’s brilliant news! I knew it. Marry me? Please marry me?’

  ‘What?’

  He got down on one knee and kissed her hand.

  ‘I’ll be a good husband,’ he promised. ‘We’ll buy the ring tomorrow morning.’

  ‘Marriage?’ Jasmine gasped.

  ‘Yes, why not?’ he said.

  ‘It’s too weird,’ she said. ‘Only old people get married.’

  ‘Nonsense, we’re the perfect age to get married.’

  ‘Oh my God!’

  ‘What’s wrong?’ he said.

  ‘Nothing. I can’t imagine myself as Mrs Crawford.’

  ‘What’s wrong with it?’

  ‘Nothing. It’s just too weird. I’m too young to get married.’

  ‘Some people get married when they’re only twenty or twenty-one.’

  ‘Yeah, name me somebody you know who got married at that age! Nobody gets married in their twenties!’

  ‘Oh Jesus, Jasmine Mulholland! Your head is a mystery to me,’ Mark laughed.

  ‘It’s a mystery to me and all,’ Jasmine giggled. ‘I was only just getting used to the idea of having a baby. Getting married as well is a bit overwhelming for me.’

  ‘Please, just think about it,’ he said.

  ‘You’d better be a bloody good husband, Mark Crawford. Because I’m a bona fide tough nut from Sandy Row and I’ve got a load of hard brothers to back me up,’ she laughed.

  ‘I’ll be good to you,’ he said. ‘And the baby. Don’t you worry about that.’

  ‘You don’t have to marry me just for the baby,’ she said then, beginning to cry with relief.

  ‘I want to marry you, you daft thing.’

  ‘Do you?’

  ‘Of course I do. How could I not?’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes, I’m sure. I love you.’

  ‘I love you too,’ she said quietly.

  ‘Well then?’

  ‘I don’t want a pity proposal. And I don’t want you to marry me just so you’ll have father’s rights.’

  ‘Jasmine, how could you even think that about me?’ he said, genuinely mystified.

  ‘We’ve not been together very long, Mark. I’m sorry, but I can’t help being a little paranoid. And you’re such a high achiever. Are you sure you’re not asking me to marry you because it’s the old-fashioned thing to do?’

  ‘Okay, I understand you’re worried about the practicalities and that’s okay. But that’s not why I want us to get married. I’ve always loved you, Jasmine. Always.’

  ‘Have you?’

  ‘Yes. And now I’ve fallen for you, head over heels. So it doesn’t feel too soon to me.’

  ‘Um…’

  ‘And I want to be a proper father to our baby.’

  ‘Yeah, I know… Oh, maybe I don’t know, Mark.’

  ‘Don’t hold my wanting us to get married against me, please, Jasmine. Yes, I want us all to have the same name and to be a proper family. Please don’t say you want to go all modern on me now, and just live in two houses, and never get married and all that malarkey? Please, Jasmine?’

  ‘Oh, all right then, I’ll marry you,’ she said, as if it was no big deal to her. Even though it was. ‘But if you turn out to be some psycho control freak I’ll get my brothers to beat you up. And they will too; they’d be happy to oblige me.’

  Jasmine’s brothers weren’t actually thugs at all, but she’d been pretending they were to her various boyfriends all her life.

  ‘Fair enough,’ Mark said.

  ‘Right,’ she said with a nod. ‘And I can’t be bothered to cook every night either. So it’ll be microwave rice, and cheese sandwiches, most of the time, right?’

  ‘Right. Jasmine, I can throw an egg on the pan myself if I’m hungry enough. Or eat a bowl of cornflakes. Hooray, we’re getting married! Let’s drink a toast to celebrate? Is that wine still chilled? Oh, I mean, let’s have a cup of tea to celebrate?’

  ‘Celebrate what? The baby or our engagement?’

  ‘Both. You twit. In whatever order you wish.’

  ‘Okay then. Let’s get married and have the baby, in that order,’ she said, kissing him happily. ‘Might as well! God, this is so normal it’s embarrassing. No paternity suit on Jeremy Kyle or anything.’

  ‘Hooray,’ Mark mumbled, through their longest kiss ever. ‘We’re actually getting married?’

  ‘It’ll keep my mother happy, I suppose. Mark?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘There’s just one more thing.’

  ‘It’s twins?’ he laughed.

  ‘Will you stop kidding around, you eejit? I don’t know anything about the baby, or babies, yet. No, it’s not that,’ she sighed.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘I really, really don’t want a big white wedding.’

  ‘I don’t believe you. Why not?’

  ‘Because my parents couldn’t afford it and neither can I. And I don’t want you to pay for it, or your parents either. And I hate stuffy things anyway. They make me so nervous and flustered. And when I’m nervous I feel sick. And I might feel a bit sick in the mornings as it is, and I can’t drink champagne or even cocktails for ages. And I’m not getting roped into a big, grand wedding if I can’t even have a glass of champagne.’

  ‘Okay then. Agreed. But I don’t want to wait for ages and ages either.’

  ‘We can get married as soon as possible, Mark. Just not a big fancy wedding! Please?’

  ‘Leave it with me,’ he said, scratching his head. ‘I’ll think of something nice, but not too expensive. In the meantime let’s get you a proper check-up and then we can start looking at houses.’

  ‘Houses?’

  ‘Yes, houses. We’re going to
need a bigger place for the baby, aren’t we?’

  ‘Oh my God, yes we are. But my lovely built-in wardrobes? My recessed spotlights? My dinky balcony with the metal chair?’

  ‘Don’t worry, we’ll get loads of wardrobes and spotlights put into our new place. Can’t promise you a balcony, but I’ll go halves on a top-of-the-range tumble dryer?’

  ‘I’ve never had one of those,’ she said.

  ‘They’re great gizmos, my love. You don’t need to iron a thing if you hang the clothes up while they’re still warm. Old student tricks!’

  ‘You’re so romantic,’ she laughed.

  ‘We’ve got to be practical. I don’t want my beautiful wife to spend all day in the kitchen,’ he said, hugging her as tightly as he dared.

  ‘Can I have that in writing, please? I love you, Mark.’

  ‘I love you too.’

  ‘If all this gets too much for me though, can we hire a cleaning lady? Even once a week to do the bathrooms? I can’t be doing with living in a messy house, you know. And there’s no way on this earth I am picking up after you, mate, so we’d better start as we mean to go on.’

  ‘Yes, all right. We’ll have it written into our wedding vows.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘No, I’m joking about the vows, but, yes, we can hire a cleaner. I’ll work out a complete budget tonight. I’ll have to deduct a cleaner’s wages from our new mortgage estimate. Though I can always downsize on my car and start saving for a private room at the maternity hospital…’

  ‘All right,’ she sighed happily. ‘Let’s talk about all of that tomorrow. The practicalities and so on… Tonight I just want to be happy about the baby.’

  ‘And the wedding?’

  ‘And the wedding, of course.’

  ‘And I can go ahead and plan anything I like?’

  ‘Yes, you can. But remember what I said about nothing too fancy.’

  ‘Right.’

  And so it was agreed.

  42. The Wedding

  It was August. Every last citizen in Sandy Row and the surrounding streets had been told by Jasmine’s mother to pray for unbroken sunshine on Mark and Jasmine’s wedding day. Not just asked to pray either. But actually told to pray for a clear blue sky and not so much as a speck of grimy drizzle or a gust of cold air.