1/1/1999
Ah, Journal, I have now discovered I am once again pregnant. This will be number seven for me. I don’t know why, but every time it happens I start to get nervous. Funny, huh? I’ve been through so many pregnancies, I feel like the kids are about to start walking out of me
Darien had to stop there. This was uncomfortable for him. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to do this. Of course he wanted to know who his mother was, but he felt increasingly nervous with every flip of the page. He knew how the story would end, and he didn’t want to reach that ending. Still, the only way he’d ever get to know her was through first hand experience with her.
I feel like the kids are about to start walking out of me. I know that’s not possible, but it’s a little tiring. I think I’m going to tell Orion after one more, this will be it. Orion is set on having a minimum of eight sons. He says eight is a solid number for a family of his people. I guess most of the families of the water dragons average around fourteen. Fourteen! That’s incredible. I don’t even want to think about fourteen.
I like being a mother, but it’s tiring, and I have found I have little patience sometimes. I don’t mean to be so short with the boys all of the time, but running a house with four of them under the age of ten and two of them just about entering their teenage years, it gets chaotic.
Their father tries hard to help out, but given his status he doesn’t always have time. Maybe I can stop after seven. Seven sounds like a better number than eight. I don’t know if I could handle the hormonal depression that follows too much longer. I love my boys, all of them, but it just makes me tired. Seven would be perfect though. This one we tried for. I want him and have dreamed about him. Maybe things will be better with this time.
He stopped again, thinking. In a way, it made him feel a lot better about being a parent. After all, it showed that not all parents were perfect, even if he felt like his father was. It also told him sometimes it takes time to warm up to the idea of children. Though, Darien had been excited about having children and a big family of his own for a while now. Part of him was apprehensive, but only because he didn’t want to hurt Tai.
Tai. He didn’t want to think about her. He didn’t want to feel the anger and betrayal all over again. She walked out on him as soon as she felt well enough to go, and didn’t bother to give him a chance. There was no doubt she was going to try and go home again. She’d stolen his credit card and cash from his wallet to do so and in their place left a few locks of her hair for him to remember her by. The gesture only made him feel more bitter though. He mentally kicked himself for letting her go. He probably should not have told her she could, but he had meant what he said about her not being his prisoner.
When he tracked the account to see what she had done so far, he found her still in Oceina City in a hotel. He’d thought about going there and talking some sense into her, but decided to wait and hope she would change her mind on her own. This might only be her way of getting space and control. He didn’t want to see her yet anyway. Granted, he missed her, but her unwillingness to work with him for a solution frustrated him and he didn’t want to reunite with her while angry. Then they both might say things they’d later regret.
If she’d only talk to him about what she wanted, he’d find a way to make it possible and they could both be happy. He was more than willing to work out a compromise with her. Instead she just went off and did whatever she wanted. He was pretty sure she wanted to prove she still had control over her life. What she didn’t realize was he was giving it to her.
I hope my boys are as good to their wives as Orion is to me. I hope I can explain to these girls the true depth of the love these boys will feel for them. It took me a long time to understand it all. After all, how could it be possible for someone you’ve never met to be truly and deeply in love with you? But it’s possible. I have yet to meet one of them who don’t cherish their wife more than themselves - not of this species at least. Sometimes I still don’t get it, but they watch the island well. I am still amazed at how much Orion knew about me when I arrived. The way he knew my faults, and they annoyed him and still do, but he accepted them as part of who I am. He’s so patient. It’s such a weird phenomena, this whole relationship, and I truly believe this was something God planned for me. There is a point to all of this, to my life now, and it becomes clearer and clearer with all of the reading I’ve been doing about the culture of this interesting species.
As it turned out, Darien’s mother was quite the scholar. Really, Darien didn’t know why he was so surprised. His father had always been the type to learn lots of new things. He claimed to not be very studious, but when he wanted to know something, he went to all lengths to do so. History had always intrigued Darien himself, and he’d read the Oceina Bible several times and he didn’t enjoy speculating about theories on its interpretation or about God’s divine appointment. He had his faith, which was enough for him. While he was sure his mother had several interesting ideas on it, he skimmed along this portion of the journal until he found something else of possible interest. His father knocked on the door before he could.
“Come in!” Darien said and quickly hid the journal under his pillow. For some reason he felt strange having his father know he was reading it. Mostly because he didn’t want his father to gloat or gush about it. It wasn’t a big deal. “What’s up, Dad?”
“I wanted to see if you were hungry. I made your favorite.”
It did sound tempting, but Darien hadn’t wanted to eat for a long time. Ever since Tai left, his appetite went with her. He knew his family didn’t approve of the decision, but it was important to him for her to be happy. He trusted her to not tell their secret.
“I guess I could eat a little bit. I know you think I’m an idiot. You don’t need to pity me or feel bad for me.” Darien said. His stomach rumbled softly and he could feel it start to sink within itself. He sat up on his bed and watched his father bring in a plate with baked chicken, drenched in wine sauce with mushrooms, and au gratin potatoes. He had a glass of milk as well, and a small teapot.
“I do not think you’re an idiot, Darien,” his father said as he started to eat. Orion was a slow eater, but so was Darien. It was one of the few things he had in common with his father outside of their strange sense of humor.
He wondered how much like his mother he really was. For the most part, his brothers acted like their father. They had a lot of the same carefree spirit he did, as well as a calming respect for all things. They were slow to anger, and so tolerant and wise. Darien felt like a stick in the mud next to them, even when he was being playful. They said he thought too much. Tai would agree, he was sure. It was hard for him to not think. He had a problem with authority, which only got worse when he was angry. He tried to be on his best behavior because he didn’t enjoy conflict, but it grated on his nerves to not question everything. He didn’t think his temper was too bad, but it wasn’t good either. How much of this was genetically inherited? He hardly even looked like his father, who was tall and lean and thin faced. Darien was significantly shorter than the rest of his family, and his frame was thin but well cut. He had his father’s eyes, he knew that, but it was difficult to pick out the rest of his face. He’d seen pictures of his mother, but even then he couldn’t quite tell.
Darien shook his head. “I’m pretty sure the others think I’m a moron.”
“No, actually, we all think you’re brave to let her go like you have. Have you heard from her?”
“Of course I have, but I don’t reply to her thoughts and she doesn’t reply to mine. She doesn’t like me invading her mind,” he said in between bites. “From what I can tell, she’s still in the city. I don’t know why she hasn’t booked a trip home yet. I guess she’s exploring, staying in some kind of hotel or whatever.” He shrugged.
Orion nodded slowly as he listened. “I would think that if she hasn’t gone home yet, she’s thinking about the entire situation, no? From what I know of her, based on what you’ve
told me of course, she is not a dumb girl. She understands the repercussions of this decision.”
This time Darien nodded and stopped eating, only picking at his potatoes. “She is really smart,” he whispered. And beautiful, and amazing. I hate this. He hoped she heard him, but he doubted she would. Even if she did, she’d never reply to him. “I barely had any time with her.” He swallowed hard as tears welled up in his eyes. He wouldn’t cry in front of his father. He didn’t want to be weak. The more that Orion stared at him however, the more he began to choke on his words as he spoke. “This is your fault.”
The dragon lord stopped chewing and stared at his son. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“If you hadn’t made me leave, I would have been able to talk to her more! She was scared and I had to abandon her for your stupid meeting! You don’t need me to tell you what to do, you knew all along what you believed and thought! Why did you bring me there when you knew better!” He set his fork down on top of his plate. “I just don’t get it, Dad! How could you be so selfish? You know that she means everything to me.”
“I do.” He nodded at Darien slowly.
It was quiet in the room. An awkward kind of quiet. “Oh,” Darien said and pushed his plate away from him. He felt incredibly disgusted. “I get it.”
“What do you get?”
“I take yours, you take mine.”
“What?” Orion blinked a number of times with confusion. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Yes, you do.”
“Then I suppose I should rephrase my question to: I don’t understand why you say that.”
“Well, technically it’s a statement because you didn’t actually ask me anything,” Darien shot at him quickly. “But why wouldn’t I say it? It’s true isn’t it? I’m an adult now, so I can handle the truth. You’ve never cared about me like you do the others. You don’t want to spend the same kind of time with me. I can barely talk to you without fighting with you anymore. It’s because you don’t like me. You don’t and you haven’t because I took her away. I ruined your perfect family, so you ruined mine. You ruined the only dream I had and the only thing that made me happy here!”
“Darien.” He was so calm. Why was he acting that way?
“Just get out.” Darien said.
But Orion didn’t leave. He put his plate down and set it off to the side before moving to the bed to draw his son into a warm hug. Darien couldn’t resist it. It was the kind of touch he had ached for over the years. The only thing he could question was: why now? Why now after so long? His father was a busy man, but he had always done his best to put the entire family first. He had plenty of time for the others it seemed.
“I’m not sure if words could ever convey how deeply I love you,” he whispered to Darien. “But you are by far one of the most precious things in my life. My time with you, I cherish. Please don’t forget that.”
“How can I believe you when you’re never here for me when I need you?”
“I am. I’m here now, aren’t I? And I was there when you fell and got skinned knees. I was there when you were failing on your test your first year in school, and I was the one who spent all night with you helping with the project to make up for those lost points.” Orion pulled back so he could look into his son’s eyes. “I’m not the most affectionate man, and I know this is wrong of me, but that doesn’t mean I love you less. You have a great burden on you, and you have never known the love of your mother. This grieves me a lot Darien, a lot, but there isn’t much either of us can do to change this. She is gone, and I do not resent you for it. Neither does she. If you would read the journal, you would understand this.”
“Then what’s going on?” He clenched his fork tightly in his hand, stirring his potatoes, in an effort to stay focused on something that wasn’t his feelings. “I thought you grew tired of me.”
“Quite the opposite Darien, quite the opposite. I can’t tell you though, not yet. If you want to resent me and blame me for Tai leaving, that’s fine. If you want to resent me for anything that may happen in the future, that’s fine. But please never, ever, say I am doing something to make you miserable on purpose, and please never say I do not love you.”
Darien nodded slowly, “So then tell me why. What’s really going on, Dad? It’s been pulling you away from us for a while.” He wasn’t sure if he should be worried or not. This was obviously a huge deal; it was either that or his father was lying to him. “I want to understand this because I’m scared that if I never do, then I might not be able to forgive you.”
“I promise you’ll know,” Orion said quietly. “But I can’t tell you all of the details now. It has a lot to do with the situation the Inero are in. They know I know the truth behind it all, and I am trying to deal with it accordingly.”
“And what is the truth?”
“They are planning something, but those details I’m not sure of. They know that I’m aware they are the source of their own problem,” he explained. “Things will happen as they should. I’m sorry I have caused you so many problems.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Tai had gotten a hotel in the middle of the city and had been staying there for the past few days. When Tai had grabbed what little she had, in his wallet she found there was a substantial amount of money. Far more than she needed to get home, along with a credit card.
Instead of leaving, she decided to stay and explore the city. It gave her the time she needed to figure out what she was going to tell everyone when she got back home.
Everyday she listened to Darien think, and most of it was reading his mother’s journal. The story was fascinating. In a lot of ways, she felt comforted to know her feelings were similar to others, and it explained so much about Darien’s life.
Darien’s blind love was a product of his father’s blind love for his mother, a love she wrote about often in her journal. It was the only definition he grew up with. He had no one to tell him otherwise. Even the romances depicted in movies and on television weren’t very realistic.
I feel like this pregnancy is different than the others. I’m not that far along, and I already feel so tired. I’m sure this is just because I’m getting older. I can’t believe all the time that has passed. Sometimes it drags on and on, and other times it’s fast. It’s difficult. Most of my family has passed on, or had their own children. I’m a great, great aunt, and I will never get to know any of these children, or any of my younger siblings who came after my departure. I don’t want any of my children to go through anything like this. It is by far one of the worst feelings ever.
He stopped then. Tai knew little about the situation between him and his mother. She wasn’t there, and he had said she had died a long time ago. All of the details had been left out of this explanation.
Orion is being good to take extra care of me though. He gives me my vitamins and makes sure I make the most of what I’m eating, you know, making sure that I am getting good healthy energy instead of the wasteful kind. I wish he’d let me have some sugar though - just once.
She yawned from her bed and just listened to Darien read. It was by far the most comforting thing she had ever done. It relaxed her. His voice was easy to listen to in its quiet but firm tone. It reminded her she wasn’t alone. On occasion he’d still tell her he loved her, knowing she could hear him, but he never once forced himself into her own thoughts. He respected her space, and even though she left him she felt comforted by his constant presence. It was enough to make her question leaving in the first place. She had to though. She had to make her own decisions, and she had to get away from him before she felt too strongly for him. She could fall in love with him.
She wasn’t going to let herself. Getting close to him meant opening herself up, and then when things didn’t work out, she’d be left with the mess of her exposed vulnerability. She saw how a wound so deep had almost ruined her mother’s life. Tai refused to be a victim too. His reading to her was his way of exposing himself, and being able to see h
is soul was sexy and difficult to ignore.
Physically, she felt better, if not even more energetic than before all of this had happened - like she had a new body. She could feel the magic pump through her veins with every heartbeat.
And I can’t quite put a name on him just yet. It’s been a few months already, and there’s still plenty of time, but I have always been the type to be prepared. I know I’ll completely forget about it later, and the last thing I want is for a last minute decision like what happened with Tony. Not that Anthony is a bad name. I think it suits him just fine, but it’s just not the same. When I know the name earlier on, it makes it a much nicer bonding experience. Usually something jumps out at me right away, but this one doesn’t seem to really do much of anything outside of make me tired and achy. I don’t remember the last time I hurt this much.
Darien paused again. I’m such a monster. Tai wanted to reply and tell him he was no such thing and not to wallow, but he continued too soon after.
I don’t mind. Well, I don’t mind it too much I should say. I’ll be making sure he knows what I went through for him, the little goof. Yeah, I can tell he is a little goofy. A little bit at least, but maybe more of his personality isn’t coming through because he’s so content. Outside of every ounce of my energy, I’m finding he doesn’t want much else. I don’t have strange cravings or desires like with the others.
Yes journal, this is going to prove to be an interesting year. Three more months and then we’ll be in incubation. Dragon cooking is weird, but I guess that’s how it has to work. I’m happy to not carry a dragon in my belly for nine months. I like that it is only six, and an egg is a much simpler thing to push out of me than a baby. They slide right out, and then for the remaining three months of gestation they stay warm under a lamp. They’re magic, so of course their procreation would make magical sense. It is definitely not logical.
Legend of the Oceina Dragon (The Dragons Saga) Page 9
