Letting Loose

by Joanne Skerrett

  “And what’s wrong with that? Most politicians are like that.”

  “I never thought I’d end up with one.”

  “Stop tripping, Amelia. The guy sounds like he’s madly in love with you. You just gotta accept him. And his mama. And your role as the ‘woman behind the good man.’ That’s all.”

  “I don’t know, Whitney. I don’t even know if I can live here. That’s why I didn’t want to take the ring.”

  “How? What do you mean?”

  “It’s like I said in my e-mail. I don’t know if I could do without spin class, Nordstrom…”

  “Girl, please. You can come to the States anytime you want.”

  “That’s what he said, too. But down here, it’s a whole different lifestyle.”

  “Oh, right. It’s warm every day, you live in a cute house out in the country with big trees in your backyard, you have a waterfall singing you to sleep every night, there’s no crime in your neighborhood, no George Bush, no genteel New England racism. Come on, girl! If you want, we can switch places.”

  On her good days Whitney had a gift for making things seem much better than they actually were.

  “Aaargh! Enough about me. How you doing?”

  “Eh, I can’t complain. I’m starting to work again in a couple of weeks.”

  “I thought you said you’d spend the whole summer in Rome?”

  “I am. But I’m bored. I need to start using my brain. I can always work from here.”

  “What happened to, er…Rodolfo or whatever his name is?

  She snorted. “He’s gone. Ugh! That fool tried to get into a debate with me about intelligent design.”

  “Intelligent design? You were talking about evolution with him?” Oh, no. That was one subject that got Whitney so up in arms she’d wrestle anybody to the ground who disagreed with her. She’d read some book by some scientist about why there had to be a God, and from that moment on she became a crusader for Genesis 1:1. It was one of her life’s goals to make the rest of her nerdy fellow men see the light. So to speak.

  “He actually told me that those scientists I was talking about weren’t real scientists…and he was raised Catholic!”

  “Uh-huh.. Anyway…So you guys just broke up?”

  “There was nothing to break up…. I just don’t take his calls anymore. I really need to start working again. That’s all I’m concerned about right now. My brain muscles are starting to atrophy. I need a challenge.”

  That sounded good. She was always a better person when she was excited about work and not about some random guy. “Sorry it didn’t work out.”

  “I’ll be fine. Hey, guess what?”

  “What?”

  “I made contact.”

  “Contact? With whom?”

  “Mr. Stevens.”

  “What?” I couldn’t believe it. She’d actually spoken with her father.

  “When? How?”

  “I guess he had some kind of spiritual awakening or something. He called me and left a message on my voice mail back home and I called him back. He told me you spoke with him a few months ago?”

  Oops. I’d hoped she wouldn’t find out. “Yeah,” I faltered. “When you…Well, I thought it would be good if he knew what was going on. I mean, you’re his daughter.” I’d called Whitney’s father when she was admitted to McLean, hoping that he might go visit her. But he’d said he was too busy.

  “It’s all right,” she said. “I appreciate it. Just tell me next time.”

  “What did you two talk about?”

  “Mostly my health. He said he felt guilty and partly responsible. I’m like, dude, get over yourself.”

  “You didn’t tell him that!”

  “No, I told him it wasn’t his fault, that he was the best absentee father in the whole world.”

  “Whitney!”

  “He asked me to have dinner with him and his family when I get back to the States.”

  “He told them about you?”

  “Apparently.”

  “Wow, girl. You’re gonna have a white stepmama.”

  She laughed. “Nah, I told him I’d rather do it one-on-one; then I’d think about meeting his family afterward.”

  “So, wow again. What else did he say?”

  “He seems really mellow now. Like he’s gone through some type of metamorphosis or something.”

  “A midlife crisis?”

  “Maybe. Sounds more like he got religion, though.”

  “Girl, I’m happy for you. Things are looking up.”

  “Yeah, for you, too. I can’t believe you’re getting married before me!”

  “Well, let’s not get carried away here. As of now, my husband-to-be is not even speaking to me.”

  “You guys will work it out.”

  I hoped she was right.

  “Listen, I have an idea,” I said.

  “What’s that?”

  “Why don’t you come down here for a few days?”

  “To the island?”

  “Yeah, come keep me company for a weekend or something. Drew’s been dying to go off to Barbados to play golf with his buddies anyway.”

  “And you wouldn’t want to go with him?”

  “Heck no. I’m not going anywhere near a golf course.”

  “Even if it’s on Barbados? Do you know the kind of golf courses…”

  “Why don’t you go with him then, Whitney?”

  “All right. Okay, that sounds like a good idea.”

  “Yeah!”

  “Make sure you have a fine Caribbean man waiting to pick me up at the airport.”

  “I’ll work on it.”

  I was so excited! Whitney and I could get into all kinds of trouble down here. I knew she wouldn’t be timid or scared to do the things that I wanted to do. Maybe I would end up going diving again if she went along with me. Finally, something to look forward to!

  The next order of business was Grace Wilson, who was in a foul mood.

  “Amelia, I ain’t heard from you in two whole weeks. Where you been?”

  “Ma, you have my number. You could have called.”

  “You know how expensive those calls are!”

  All of a sudden I didn’t miss her much anymore.

  “Ma, Drew asked me to marry him and I said yes.”

  There was silence on the other end.

  “Ma?”

  “Amelia, are you stupid or crazy? You just met this boy a few months ago and you gonna marry him?”

  “Ma, he’s not just some boy I met a few months ago…”

  “If he’s everything you say he is, then why he ain’t marrying one of his own kind? Why you?”

  His own kind? Why me?

  “I thought you liked him, Ma!”

  “Of course, I like him. I just don’t understand….”

  “You don’t understand what he would see in me?”

  She didn’t answer.

  “Okay, Grace,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know what was going on. I’ll call you again in a week.”

  Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang. It was Gerard, calling collect.

  “Hey, sis, I hear you getting married.”

  “She told you?”

  “Yeah, girl. Don’t mind Ma. She’s just mad she won’t have you to push around no more. Hey, can you hook a brother up? Send me a ticket so I can come down there and chill.”

  “Gerard, you’re on probation for three more months. You can’t even leave Massachusetts.”

  “Dang, that was low, Amelia. How you gonna talk to a brother like that?”

  “I’m just playing. But, hey, if you really wanna come down, I can hook it up.”

  “Serious?”

  “I’m serious. But you gotta buy your own ticket.”

  “Daaaang! You are mean, Amelia. For real.”

  We joked around and Gerard asked about the women on Dominica. “I don’t think they’re your type.”

  “Why not?”

  “They like to be taken care of. They l
ike men who take charge and stuff.”

  “What??? But that’s me! I take charge of my girls. Listen, I gotta come down there!”

  Gerard was killing me. I hadn’t laughed this hard in a while. I even forgot about how mad I was at him for trashing Ma’s car and not telling her about it. When we finally hung up I felt longing. I didn’t miss Ma’s foul moods; I missed her. I missed Gerard, too. I could see him living down here. Without all his personal and criminal baggage, plus all the other distractions of Boston, he could probably even make something of his life.

  The day seemed to be crawling by. It was raining heavily, and I knew that Drew would not be working. But he still hadn’t come home. I missed him terribly. I wanted this awful gulf to be bridged. I walked into his closet, running the back of my hands against his shirts. Who was I kidding? I’d go to Timbuktu if that’s where he was. I loved this man. Everything about him said strength and stability. When I was with him I felt safe and cared for; I hadn’t had that feeling with anyone except my dad. The memory of my father was suddenly sharp and painful. I saw his face in front of me. I smelled him and I had to turn around to make sure that he wasn’t there. What would he think of Drew? Would he like him? I could see them getting along, having long talks, probably about politics. I had to close my eyes just so the image would go away. I didn’t want to feel this anymore.

  I went to the exercise room and worked out for two hours, one hour on the bike and another walking on the treadmill. Sonny would have to amuse himself on his own this rainy day.

  I hadn’t weighed myself in over a month but I didn’t have to. None of my clothes fit anymore. Not even my bras. I’d been stuffing them with tissues for the last two weeks. I needed some new clothes, and I couldn’t even order them online because the only company who shipped here was FedEx, and it was just too darned expensive.

  I thought of calling Sophie and asking her to take me shopping in Roseau, but that seemed unreasonable considering the downpour outside. She probably was up to her ears in her kids anyway.

  As I dried myself off after the shower I heard footsteps in the house.

  “Amelia!”

  “I’m in the shower,” I called out.

  He walked in as I was slathering lotion all over my naked body.

  “Wow, you’ve really lost a lot of weight.” He looked surprised, as if he hadn’t been sleeping with me every night for the past six weeks.

  “You’re only noticing now?” I pulled the towel around me. I felt naked inside and out under his intent eyes.

  He nodded, a look of surprise still on his face. “Was it something I did?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know.” He cocked his eyebrows. “Don’t lose any more. Especially up there,” he said, looking at my breasts.

  “Oh, yeah. Like I know how to control that.”

  “Just don’t lose any more. You look better with more meat on your bones.”

  So, we were talking? What had happened to our big fight?

  “Where were you?” I asked. He couldn’t have been working at the site because the rain had been coming down in sheets all day. He hadn’t even called.

  “At Mom’s.”

  I wasn’t surprised. Ironically, he could run to his mother when something went wrong and I did the exact opposite thing. I couldn’t imagine calling Ma and expecting to get any comfort when I was in trouble.

  I leaned against the sink. “I’m sorry. For the stuff I said.”

  He didn’t say anything. Wasn’t he going to apologize, too?

  “I think we should set a date.”

  Set a date? Was that what Vanessa told him to do?

  “Aren’t you going to apologize first?”

  “For what?”

  “For being mean to me in front of those guys. For calling me selfish.”

  “I wasn’t being mean to you. But I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. Do I get down on my knees now?”

  “That would be a good start. But I’ll settle for a makeup session.” I unbuttoned his shirt.

  “Okay. You win.”

  A half hour later, we were lying in bed and the question came up again.

  “So when do you want to do this?”

  “I bet Vanessa really wants to know so she can start planning, right?”

  He sighed. “Do you want to marry me, Amelia?”

  I turned to him. “Yes. Yes, I do, Drew.”

  “Then why all the stalling?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, stalling some more. “I just feel like it’s happening so fast. And I’m so far away from home.”

  “Okay, fine. We won’t set a date then,” he turned away. I could tell that I’d hurt his feelings and I couldn’t live with that.

  “How about in December?”

  He turned to me. “This December?”

  I nodded. “That’ll give me enough time to tie things up back home, with school, my family and everything.”

  He smiled and kissed me on the lips.

  “Drew?” I’d been thinking about this for a while but I thought now was a good time to ask. “Do you think it would be easy for me to work here? As a teacher?”

  He propped himself up on one elbow. “You really want to do that?”

  “I need to work. For my own sanity.”

  “I guess you could. But those jobs are not easy to come by. There are a lot of overeducated unemployed people here….”

  “But you have a lot of influence, you could help me….”

  “I could…But there are poor people who need those jobs more than you do. They need to work—for money, not just because they’re bored.”

  I decided to ignore his last statement. Was I not poor, too? “How about when the new school opens up? There’ll be more jobs to go around.”

  “Amelia, that’s way out in the country. You’d have to drive up there alone every day.”

  “So what? I’ve been driving around. I think I’m getting used to the roads.”

  “I guess I could get you a driver….”

  I punched him in the arm. “Did you hear what I just said?”

  “I heard you,” he said. “But those roads are tricky. On a day like today when the rain’s coming down real heavy you don’t want to be out there by yourself. I just drove past a huge mudslide on the way here.”

  I decided not to push it anymore. I was starting to think that this would always be a point of contention between us. I little woman who can’t drive; he big man who will protect little woman. At least the sex was good. And he was cute. And he wanted to marry me. You can’t have it all, Amelia. You just can’t. But he had to know how I feel.

  “Drew?”

  “Mmmm mmmm?” He’d already begun to nod off.

  “Can I say something?”

  He didn’t answer and so I went ahead.

  “Sometimes I think…I feel that you don’t have a lot of confidence in me, my abilities…”

  He lifted his head from the pillow and looked at me.

  “…as a woman.” There, I’d said it and there was no taking it back.

  He sat up in the bed and sighed.

  “Where is this coming from?”

  “Nowhere,” I said. “It’s just an observation.”

  “So, this is what you’ve been thinking? That I’m some kind of chauvinist? That’s why you started this huge fight?”

  “I did not start a huge fight, Drew. And no, I have not been thinking all along that you’re a chauvinist. I just think…”

  “What?”

  “Well, when you say that I can’t drive myself…”

  “Amelia, you yourself have said how bad and dangerous the roads are.”

  “I know, but…At least give me the benefit of the doubt. I’m not some little kid. I’ve lived on my own since college.” Did that sound whiny? Every time someone had to declare that they were not a little kid it was probably because they were acting like one.

  “Okay, fine,” he said. “Drive anywhere you want. Just be careful.�
��

  “It’s not just the driving….”

  “What else?”

  “I don’t know. I want you to think of me as a capable and strong person.”

  “Amelia, I think you’re very capable. And I’m not just saying that because I’m tired and I need to get some sleep. You’ve surprised me. We hiked mountains together, went diving…I didn’t think you’d want to do those things. You didn’t think you’d want to do those things. Now you’re hiking with the dog every day. I think that’s really cool and brave. Not to mention the fact that you left your family and your friends and came down here to be with me.”

  I felt better. I hoped he meant what he said.

  “So don’t tell me what I think, okay? Stop trying so hard to get inside my head. It’s freaking me out.”

  I looked at him, surprised.

  “Yes, you heard me,” he said. “Stop thinking you can read my mind. You don’t know what I’m thinking, so don’t just make it up as you go along. Give a guy a break.”

  “Okay. Sorry,” I said.

  “Can I go to sleep now?”

  “Sure.”

  Well, that turned out nicely, I thought. If he won’t treat me like the little woman anymore, then I won’t try to get inside his head anymore. But the battle was far from over.

  Chapter 27

  Sophie and her girlfriends were growing on me so much I began to think that they were my girls, too. I’d never been the type to run in a pack of estrogen, but I was enjoying these weekly lunches with these sisters. Their lives were so drama-free compared to Whitney’s and mine. No visible mental illnesses, eating disorders, troubled marriages, alcoholic mother enabling issues. How did they get so lucky? Did it have something to do with living on a tiny, uncomplicated, sunny island? People here just seemed to let the troubles roll off their back like beads of sweat.

  We’d spent the morning clothes shopping, and I was surprised at the tiny tops and shorts that fit me. I was now a size 8. A European size 10. That meant something, right?

  Sophie was so bubbly. “I’m so excited!” she’d said. “I’m going to have a sister-in-law. Girl, you don’t know how long my mother’s been trying to marry this boy off.”

  I’d suspected it had been a long time, judging from the number of calls I’d received from Vanessa over the past few days. She’d called while Drew and I were off walking Sonny one morning, asking how many people I expected to invite. She’d automatically assumed that it would be held on the island and not in the States. She’d suggested that we have it at the Fort Young Hotel, since that’s where most of my guests would be staying. Though she really wouldn’t mind if I decided to do the whole thing at her house. “I have the room,” she’d purred.