Letting Loose

by Joanne Skerrett

  “Oh, thanks. This French lady blew it out.” I touched it self-consciously. I hadn’t been to a beauty salon in months. I must have been looking like hell the past few weeks, I realized. Thank God, Whitney came down. At least now I had some decent new clothes, new makeup that matched my browner skin, and waxed eyebrows.

  He turned up the radio to the BBC, thankfully, so no one felt the need to talk. Once we got in the house Whitney almost ran to her room; she must have sensed the tension. “I’ll see you guys in the morning,” she said.

  I followed him into the kitchen. “So, what’s going on?”

  “Let’s talk about it tomorrow.”

  “Drew, I can’t wait till tomorrow.”

  “Your friend can hear us.”

  “So what? She’s my best friend.”

  “I’m not ready to talk about it now. Go to bed.” He held a beer in his hand and looked at me, scowling. “Go to bed. I don’t want to talk right now.”

  “So, why do I have to go to bed?” I didn’t like his tone.

  “Because this conversation’s over.”

  “Why are you so angry?”

  “Why are you always challenging me?”

  “I’m just…I just want to know what’s bothering you.”

  “And I don’t want to talk about it now, Amelia!”

  “Is it because we went to Guadeloupe and I didn’t tell you in advance?”

  “Did you not hear what I said?” He put down the beer and grabbed his keys. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

  I followed him out of the house and onto the porch.

  “What are you doing, Amelia?”

  “You’re not gonna just walk out on me like that, Drew. Let’s talk about whatever’s bothering you.”

  He stopped at the gate and turned around. “Okay, fine. You want to talk? Fine.”

  I folded my arms across my chest, waiting.

  “Why didn’t you call me the other night? Before you went to that place?”

  “What place?”

  “The Fort Young Hotel.”

  “I…” My mouth opened but no sound came out.

  “Do you know what they wrote about you in the paper the next day?”

  “No, I haven’t seen the paper.”

  He shook his head.

  “What did they say about me?”

  “What do you think they said? You were there, right? You were flirting and carrying on with strangers, even getting into shoving matches with other women?”

  “What!” I shrieked so loudly I thought I heard Sonny growl.

  “That’s what it said,” he said. “I have a copy in the car.”

  “And you believe it?” I was in total disbelief.

  “Not really. Not all of it. What I don’t believe is that you’d put yourself in a position you know would embarrass me. And to go off on some guy’s boat. Someone you don’t even know?”

  “He just gave us a ride.”

  “Amelia, that guy, Pierre, is a notorious drug dealer and gunrunner.”

  Again my mouth opened and no sound came out. I felt stupid and angry at the same time. I had screwed up big time, but he was making it seem like it was my fault. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.

  “You just don’t think, Amelia. No matter how much I warn you about being careful…”

  I didn’t know what to say. I wouldn’t say I was sorry. I didn’t do anything wrong, did I? I had probably used bad judgment, but who hadn’t. Why did he expect me to know that everything I did would end up in some gossip column?

  “What do you want me to say?”

  He shook his head. “What do I want you to say? There’s nothing you can say. You can’t undo the damage that’s been done.”

  “What damage? It’s just a bunch of gossip, Drew.”

  “It makes me look bad, Amelia. These people have been looking for a reason to discredit me from day one. You gave them one.”

  I was shocked he would say something like that. “Are you saying that you might lose your appointment because of me?”

  “I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying that my reputation is tied to yours, and if you come off as this wild party girl it makes me look less deserving of my position.”

  All of a sudden I felt tired. “I’m going to bed,” I said. “I’m sorry I ruined your reputation or whatever. I just can’t keep up with all these rules and regulations. Maybe this is a big mistake.”

  I left him standing there and went to the room. I didn’t start crying until I heard the engine start and his truck pull away. Yeah, off to Mommy’s house.

  I didn’t belong here. Maybe I should just go home with Whitney. I’d never get it. First he said I should go out and explore; then when I did he got upset. Then I couldn’t talk to other men because it somehow challenged his manhood. And then this whole Whitney thing. Who was I kidding? I was not Vanessa, nor did I want to be.

  Chapter 30

  A tapping on my shoulder jolted me awake and I opened my eyes to look into Whitney’s face. My mind was foggy and my eyes were cloudy.

  “Amelia, we have to leave for the airport,” she said. She was fully dressed.

  “Shoot, what time is it?”

  I had overslept. I had stayed up till four A.M. feeling miserable and doing my best not to call Vanessa’s house and command Drew to come home. I guess I must have cried myself to sleep.

  “All right. Gimme a minute.”

  I threw on some shorts and a T-shirt and ran to the bathroom to brush my teeth. We were in the Jeep in ten minutes.

  “Where’s Drew?” she asked.

  “Probably at his mom’s.”

  “I heard you guys last night.”

  I didn’t answer.

  “I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have made you do all that stuff.”

  “Please. You didn’t make me do anything. I wanted to go out. I’ve been cooped up in that house all summer.”

  “He sounded really mad. In his controlled way…”

  “You don’t like him, huh.”

  “No. I mean, yes, I like him. He’s just so formal.”

  “People are like that down here.”

  “I know. It’s so different….”

  “I know, Whitney.”

  She shrugged. “That’s just me, though. He’s perfect for you.”

  “You think?”

  “Yeah, he’s really into you. He looks at you a lot when you’re not looking at him.”

  “Really?” I hadn’t noticed that. “Are you just saying this because you know how miserable I feel about last night?”

  “Yup,” she said, and we laughed. “But it’s true. You guys will get through this.”

  “I don’t know, girl. It drives me nuts the way he’s so concerned about what people think about him.”

  “And it probably drives him nuts the way you don’t. I’m so glad I’m not in a relationship,” Whitney said. “All this drama…”

  “Sometimes I think it’s not worth it. I’m gonna have to give up so much to be with him.”

  “Don’t look at it that way.”

  “How should I look at it, then?”

  “Well, what exactly are you giving up?”

  I thought for a minute.

  “Not much, huh?” She looked at me and started to laugh. “I think your life is less pathetic now than it was before you met him.”

  “My life wasn’t pathetic!”

  “Okay, it wasn’t pathetic. But it wasn’t that great. You’ve always said that all you want is a handsome husband, two kids, and a nice house. You’re no career woman. You hate your job. So don’t come at me with this ‘What am I giving up?’ crap.”

  “Whitney!” But what she said was true. Sort of. But I’d still want to teach. I could do that here. It could work out. That is, if Drew still wanted me. And there was a huge question mark there.

  “Besides, I need you to stay down here so I can have somewhere to go diving every year.”

  “I knew you were only th
inking about yourself.”

  “Did I say I wasn’t?”

  “I don’t know…. There are still some things I’m worried about,” I said.

  “Like what?”

  I really hadn’t planned to talk about it but I did. I told Whitney about the passports and waited for her reaction.

  “Why didn’t you ask him about it right there and then?”

  “I don’t know. I was scared.”

  “Of what you might find out?”

  “Maybe.”

  She sighed. “Well, he is Drew Anderson; that you know for a fact. Why don’t you Google him and see what you come up with.”

  “Oh, I never thought of that!”

  “Girl, every time I go out with a guy that’s the first thing I do.”

  “Yeah, but I’m not you, Whitney.”

  “That’s your problem.”

  I nudged her. “So you don’t think I should worry?”

  “I don’t know. He’s so…I don’t think he’s the type to do anything bad.”

  “Right. He’s just too boring,” I kidded her.

  “I didn’t say that!”

  We rushed to the airport terminal, entering just as the flight began to board. “That was close,” I said breathlessly. “We almost didn’t make it.”

  “Gimme a hug, sweetie,” Whitney said.

  “I’ll see you in a few weeks, girlie,” I said. “Thanks for coming down and showing me a good time.”

  “Yeah, I hope you and Drew work things out. And have great make-up sex.”

  “If I can get him to leave his momma’s house first.” I hugged her again and waved good-bye as she tore off to her gate.

  As soon as I got back into the Jeep I called Drew’s cell phone. He didn’t answer. I didn’t bother leaving a message. Instead of going to the house, I decided to drive to Vanessa’s. He couldn’t hide behind her forever. His truck was not in her garage when I got there and I almost turned around, but she’d already seen me. She was standing in her flower garden with a tall, dark, gray-haired man. She waved, bracelets jangling, but did not smile. I pulled over reluctantly.

  “Hi, Vanessa,” I said, hoping this meeting would be short.

  “You just missed Drew,” she said. “Did your friend make her flight all right?”

  Of course, she knew what I was doing at every second of the day without my having to tell her.

  “This is Mr. James,” she said, and the tall man shook my hand firmly.

  “How do you do?” he asked.

  Wow, I thought. Were all of Vanessa’s friends so straight-backed and formal? I made small talk with Mr. James for a couple of minutes. Turns out he was another retired politician who had known Drew’s father well and was likely now one of Drew’s mentors. Ah, well. Guess I’d be seeing more of him in the future.

  “Amelia, let’s go inside for a second,” Vanessa said.

  “Actually, I should get going.” But she wouldn’t let me off that easy.

  “Just for a minute,” she said.

  I followed her inside, feeling that I was walking to the electric chair. Dead woman walking. Drew must have told her everything. So in addition to the tongue-lashing from him, I’d have to get one from her, too. Swell!

  “Can I get you something?”

  “No, Vanessa. I’m fine.”

  She clasped her hands together. She was wearing rings on all ten fingers.

  “You know, it was really embarrassing to me, and to Drew, that trash they printed in the paper.”

  I folded my arms. I was so not having it today.

  “I don’t know if what they printed is true or not, and frankly, I don’t care. But you should understand that appearances are very important down here. A lot of eyes are on you.”

  “Vanessa, I don’t feel comfortable talking about this with you.” I used my firmest voice.

  She looked at me, surprised. “I…I’m just giving you some friendly advice, Amelia. You have to be careful about whom you associate with. Your friend seems to have led you down…”

  “Vanessa, this is between Drew and me. I don’t want to talk about it with you.”

  “I am his mother, Amelia….”

  “And I’m going to be his wife!”

  She looked startled. “Don’t raise your voice in my home, young lady,” she said, clenching her fists.

  “Fine. I was just leaving,” I said, and picked up my bag. “Just one more thing, Vanessa. Drew and I are going to be married and you’re going to have to learn to stay out of our business,” I said, wanting to bolt for the door, but she wasn’t done yet.

  “I’d gladly stay out of your business, Amelia, but you don’t seem to know how to conduct yourself. All my friends are talking about you…. How do you think that makes me feel?”

  “I don’t care how you or your friends feel, Vanessa. The only person’s feelings I care about is Drew’s, and I need to go find him. Good-bye.”

  I fled the house as quickly as possible, waving good-bye to Mr. James, who was standing amid a hibiscus bush looking perplexed. Did I handle that right? Should I have cussed her out? Whitney would have. What right did she have talking to me like that, anyway? My own mother didn’t use that condescending, patronizing tone on me. Freaking Vanessa. Oh, I hated her smug, bejeweled, overly made-up, prissy…Oh, God. This woman’s going to be my mother-in-law. Amelia, you really need to think about this!

  I slowed down as the traffic got heavier as I neared Roseau. This was a lot, I realized. A lot to take on: A new place full of land mines. The gossip. The watchful eyes wherever I went. The feeling that I really couldn’t come and go as I pleased. Vanessa. Vanessa. I thumbed my engagement ring, and it felt so good. So right. If it were just Drew and me. In Boston. It would be perfect. But would it? I’d have to go back to my crappy job and the crappy weather. And taking care of Ma and Gerard. Well, maybe it wouldn’t be perfect, but it wouldn’t be as bad as this. Or would it? I didn’t know. All I knew was that I wasn’t sure.

  When I drove up the path leading to the house my heart was pounding. I knew what I was going to tell Drew would change everything. I fingered my ring again. I didn’t want to part with it. But there was just too much uncertainty. It wasn’t fair to him if I was only going to keep waffling like this. I’d ask him for more time. Maybe another six months to get used to the idea and get some closure, if possible, between myself and Boston. I couldn’t pretend that I was 100 percent sure that a wedding was going to happen in December. And he needed to know that.

  I heard hammering sounds as I opened the gate leading into the house.

  “Drew?”

  “In the back!”

  I walked out back and he was on a ladder hammering plywood to a window.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Storm’s on the way. A big one.”

  “Like a hurricane?”

  “It won’t be like one, it could be one….”

  He must be in a good mood if he’s teasing me like this.

  “But it’s so sunny and clear.” I looked at the sky. I couldn’t see a cloud for miles.

  “Doesn’t mean anything.”

  He was right about that. The weather swung between tropical extremes by the minute.

  “Are you going to do all the windows?”

  “Nah, just these three. If the forecast gets worse I’ll do the others.”

  I went inside to wait. Sonny was all jumpy and excited. I hadn’t taken him out in three days so he’d been running around on his own. “You missed me, babe?” I asked him, scratching his ears. “Bet you miss Whitney more, huh?” His ears pricked up when I said Whitney’s name. “Sonny, you’re such a playa.”

  Drew came in looking sweaty and exhausted as I played with Sonny. It was barely noon, but the sun was already baking hot. The air conditioner was blasting, though.

  “Let’s go cool off under the waterfall,” he said.

  “What?” I wanted to talk.

  “Come on, let’s go.”

  But I thought we
were fighting? “Don’t we have to talk about what happened?”

  He shrugged. “Do we have to?”

  I had things to say. But the waterfall idea sounded good. Maybe I could work up my courage while I was under the rushing water.

  “Okay, I’ll grab my swimsuit.”

  “Orange bikini,” he said.

  “I don’t have one.”

  “You do now,” he said. “My gift…I got it in Barbados.”

  “Drew!” I ran to the bedroom and sure enough, lying on the bed was the skimpiest thing I’d ever seen.

  “I can’t wear that!”

  “You have to!” he yelled back.

  I got undressed and put the thing on and looked at myself in the mirror. I had stretch marks, but I still looked good. My tummy, if I turned to the right, almost looked flat. I didn’t look horrible. I didn’t look like Naomi Campbell. But I didn’t look like Monique.

  He walked in the room. “Oh, yeah. That’s what I’m talking about.” He grabbed me.

  “Stop. Let’s go before the hurricane starts,” I giggled.

  “Fine. But I’ll get you when we come back. If I can wait that long.”

  We walked the quarter-mile from the house to the waterfall, through a thicket of guava trees, other wild plants, and those mercenary weeds that scratched at my legs every day I went walking with Sonny.

  “I’m gonna miss this place,” I said as we heard the waterfall crashing down on the rocks below.

  He looked at me, surprised. “Why? You’re coming back, aren’t you?”

  “Yes, I am. But I mean, when I go home to get my stuff….” I sounded lame and I knew it.

  His jaw clenched and he grew quiet. We stood and watched the water, falling in a majestic straight line as if from the sky.

  “Last one in cooks dinner,” I said and ran into the pool underneath the fall. He walked in after me.

  We didn’t talk about it for the rest of the day, but I couldn’t say that it wasn’t there. The fight that had never gotten resolved. The waterfall didn’t wash it away. The dinner that he cooked didn’t make us forget. Even staying up half the night making love didn’t change that we were ignoring the fact that something had changed.

  I woke up to the wind howling and the rain pelting the roof. Drew was not in the bed next to me. I turned on the lights and saw that it was seven A.M., yet the house was as dark as if it were midnight. Where was he? I heard a banging outside so I went to investigate.