My life and loves Vol. 4

by Frank Harris

  Let me tell a story to show this. When I was a student in Lawrence, Kansas, there was a wastrel in the town who pretended to have been a pal of Ulysses Grant, the President. This wastrel was always hanging round the bar of the Eldridge House, or some other saloon, and if he had ever met you in any company always called you afterwards by your Christian name and proposed a drink. His tipple was what he called port wine, a most awful concoction of sugar, logwood and raw alcohol that had no more relation to Oporto than the wastrel had to civilization.

  I have forgotten his name, but we youths were more or less interested in him and his stories. He told us how President Grant in his youth used to drink a great deal more than was good for him. We often wondered whether he was telling the truth or merely inventing.

  Suddenly, it was announced that President Grant was coming to Lawrence.

  He was to dine at the Eldridge House on a certain day, accompanied by the governor and two or three senators and the mayor of the town.

  We boys thought our time had come, so we got the old wastrel, primed him up with a drink or two of his port wine, and took him to the Eldridge House five minutes before the President was expected to arrive.

  In due course the President's carriage drew up at the entrance. The governor got out, helped the President out, and the mayor and various other dignitaries brought up the rear. Just as Grant got to the door of the hotel in the full glare of the light, we pushed the old wastrel forward in front of him, and he stood with a deprecating smile, holding out his hand, saying, Ulysses, Ulysses."

  Grant's grim face did not relax. He looked at the human wreck with sharp, little gray-blue eyes, taking him all in, the dirty thread-bare clothes, frayed trousers, shabby boots and hat-everything-but not a gleam of recognition.

  The wastrel was ludicrous-pathetic. "You hain't forgot Hap," he said, grinning.

  Suddenly Grant's hard face changed. "Are you So and So?" he said.

  "Sure," quavered the wastrel, "sure. I knew you'd remember me."

  "Of course I do," said the President, holding out his hand; "of course I do. Yet it is twenty or more years since I saw you. You must come in and dine."

  The wastrel's face quivered like jelly and he looked down at his clothes and hands.

  "What matter?" Grant went on heartily. "Come right in; these gentlemen will forgive your dress." And in they all went, to our amazement, the President and the drunken wastrel in the lead.

  It was said afterwards that no one had ever heard Grant talk so much as at that dinner. He spoke on three or four different occasions to the wastrel-a thing unheard of. But when we boys turned away, I remember it struck me that there was something noble in Grant's recognition and cordiality- something unthinkable almost to the European.

  I remember trying once to persuade Arthur Balfour, after telling him this incident, that this feeling of equality, this generosity, was the strong mortar that clamped the American people together with a grip firmer even than the Roman mortar which was stronger than the stone itself.

  America suffers from an exaggerated and almost insane individualism, yet there is slowly growing up an ideal of mutual help that may yet redeem all the races of men.

  The slow rate of human progress is what distresses one. It has taken a thousand years for us to get rid of Hell and devils and to distrust prisons and punishments, but now that we believe in sympathy and affection, our progress will be more rapid. It is money now that separates us one from another: greed must be conquered, and case-hardened selfishness, too, by a new sense, a truly Christian sense, of mutual loving-kindness; and so we shall get rid of war and its insane stupidity and cruelty. My quarrel with President Wilson was that he might have done this easily, but any American president could do it in a single term, and win for himself and his land an immortality of renown.

  This new ideal was born in the wonderful nineteenth century, the century that has enlarged and enriched life in so many ways.

  In 1870, one-third of the globe was unexplored, unknown; as soon as the dark continent was charted and the poles discovered, man took the depths of the sea for his park and the limitless fields of the air for his playground. The XRays, too, and wireless telegraphy have multiplied our spiritual possessions and added, so to speak, the imaginative touch to our new powers. Railways were first used in the late thirties and then in the nineties motor cars to make travel easy and delightful. Instead of having only theatres to amuse us, we have astounding cinema shows as well and can sit in our rooms and listen to the greatest singers in the last half century, or hear the greatest modern actors; statesmen, too, long dead, will make their best speeches for us as if still alive.

  And in spite of all our petty squabbles and cowardly selfishness, the pace quickens from year to year; in spite of the World War and poison gasses and infamous blockades that ruined women and children, we have made more progress in science in the last ten years than in any previous decade. We have just begun to understand the infinite power of the atom and are now studying to harness it to our needs. And soon the forces of nature will be enslaved and free us all from the curse of working to supply bodily wants, and so we can turn the whole world into an enchanted place, for we begin to see that everything is possible and wonders indescribable will yet be realized by the awakened spirit of man.

  This is my faith, the faith that guides me and directs, and I hope that those who read me may be inspired by it. I believe unshakeably in the holy spirit of man; in his infinite perfectibility; in the divine impulse in him to grow, not only in knowledge, or even ml wisdom, but in goodness, in consideration for others, in loving-kindness and gentle pity, and all the sweet offices of love.

  Paul preached Faith, Hope, and Love, but he had no faith such as we have, no hope so well-founded as ours. Think of what we have done in the last hundred years, and forecast, if you will, the transcendent future. Tennyson's words recur to me:

  For I looked into the future far as human eye could see, Saw the wonders of the world and all the rapture that would be.

  CHAPTER XIII

  Sex and self-restraint

  Like Heine, I have always been puzzled by the sex restraints and prohibitions in men and women, and annoyed by their prudery in confessing their practices and desires. As I have told elsewhere in this volume, I studied medicine in Vienna when I was only twenty-three and devoted especial attention to all sex questions; and some friends now request me to tell what I know of these matters, for they interest everyone.

  I was in doubt whether or not to do this when I received an anonymous letter from a girl in America, who, plainly to me, is telling the story of her own experiences, and very sad they are. If the girl had had a little more knowledge, she might have escaped the worst of her suffering, and so I place what little knowledge I have gained at the disposal of men and women who may need and desire it. She begins:

  This is the woman's side of your volume two (the writer not having seen volume one). Not that this is meant to be a sermon-nor that "the writer" doesn't believe in frankness and in truth; (on the contrary, "the writer" has suffered much because others objected to truth instead of dissimulation).

  A young girl born in a Roman Catholic community, where the Blessed Virgin Mary is a great patron, where virginity is considered a priceless jewel.

  The girl with a bright mind, anxious to learn, easily surpassing classmates, liking to "think"-beginning to think about Catholic dogmas, until that culminated long afterwards in leaving the Church. Born poor, the girl had enough to do to work in order to be able to study, to go to a "select" (it happened) preparatory school, business school, Roman Catholic College, then a larger, leading women's college. Never had an opportunity to meet boys as social equals. Consequently had an idealized version of mankind in her mind. A good-looking girl, not of the "pretty" type, she did attract men, and it was a new land of not-known possibilities to her. However, she never met "eligible" people, nor naturally was she very "eligible" to "worthwhile" people, having no background but herself, no m
oney but what she earned, etc.

  Full of energy, enthusiasm, zeal for service, etc., after college, (during the senior year, met an impecunious, brilliant young man, who loved her ardently, brilliantly, youthfully, and exploringly, with much interchange of brilliant correspondence, exploring ideas, etc.-he was an irresponsible intellectual hero — the girl wanted strength and daring in every way in a man-a break, and the boy died of the flu).

  Another plunge into an unknown group: uneducated, very young girl-nurses thrown into a knowledge of sex and bestiality. Our girl read up on surgery, watched operations, etc., got to know the "wise and kindly" older housephysician, a good surgeon, kindly and sometimes untiring. And this older house-physician had your view of sex, Frank Harris; and every virgin was an attraction to him, and no harm was ever done a girl (in his estimation) unless she were made pregnant, and of course he never did that. He was a pleasant kindly man, and new minds, with to-her-new experiences always interested "our girl." He gave lectures on anatomy to the half-fledged nurses with no education, which gave him a delightful opportunity to instill veiledly and very sinuously the idea that the sex organs must be used or they atrophy. He knew so much of what a virgin did not know, that when he showed strong emotion at the girl's telling him she was leaving the next day or so, he did persuade her to let him "have" her, after he had soothed her conscience by asking her to marry him; she with her zeal for service, thought of getting him to be a missionary, or such, with her. So the next night they registered as Mr. and Mrs.- in a small New York hotel he knew.

  It was an anatomical experiment to her with a dear friend. When he wanted her to play with his "sex", she loved and fondled his dear head instead. It was a new knowledge to her that when she stroked his nude back, his "sex" throbbed with each stroke as he asked her to hold it. And he-afterwards- having kissed her with seeming reverence, deeply, lovingly on the mouth as she lay there, in the morning, insisted on putting a ten dollar note in her dress, when she said, surprisedly, "Why, darling, why don't you get me some dear little remembrance if you must." He had explained to her as a friend that servant girls "pick up" ten dollars or so a night from a pick-up on the street, and it helps out their income! And the unsuspecting "kid" (and she was over twenty-one) never dreamed he was a very loose liver.

  That ended it for the man, or any man-n'est-ce pas? Not so with any woman, or this woman. As you know, sex in woman is very close to deep friendship and tenderness, and not a passing thing. They wrote. His idea was to have her spend week-ends with him as often as possible. With the education she had had-just that, with no idea of further responsibility-a life in common, interchange of ideal, and so on, was very cheapening. When a friend at the hospital (the only one not of the "cheap" gang of loose-nurses) wrote her that the Doctor had said in a class the reason he had not married was that he could not be faithful to any one woman-the girl wrote a letter to end the thing. And the Doctor did not come back!

  Just before that, the girl had her first experience in "loving up." "Loving up" was a term new to her used by the hospital nurses. The friend, abovementioned, had asked her to join her in a party, three men and three girls, to take a ride in a big limousine. One man had the car, the other two were brothers, one of the girls was an ex-patient of hers. She dressed up "our girl" in some attractive clothes of her sister's, and rouged her, and "our girl" seemed to be very stunning and captivated the heart of her ex-patient's brother. It was a new experience to her, to be made physical love to, with long-drawnout kisses and a very new thing to have a man put her hand on his "sex" and to find it a hard big thing! and to have him try to put his hand up her clothes!

  And it frightened her then, and later when he tried to get her again.

  The girl took a course in a religious university and met a young British Presbyterian Minister of Scotch-Irish descent, that year. Said young man seemed rather sophisticated to her, and she was distant to him, didn't quite like the daring look in his eye. They talked a lot however; afterwards when he seemed to know so much more about the course (a radical current events course) he was invited to tea one day to finish a long talk in which he tried to find out all he could about her. He asked her to a dinner and dance afterwards, which was new and strange to "our girl." Since it happened that there was a surprise party on at home (at the training school-a beautiful place architecturally to live in by the way) she could not go, and surreptitiously slipped out to tell him at the corner she could not. However, she asked him later to go with her to a Tammany Hall ball, as a sociological experiment. He was marvelously dressed up in a skirted coat, smart cane, etc.-very handsome and gay and full of pep. She had gone to a movie with him once, and after it, walked in the park with him where he lightly jumped over a bench and did other physical strength stunts to her surprise. They ran a race together, and when he outstripped her, he ran backwards, and then caught her swiftly and turned her around, and lifted her (a big girl) high up in the air and carried her! All much to her surprise, and thrilling, too; he being, of course, a good man of high ideals, being a practicing Minister as well as a student!

  They danced at the ball, and he was very, very passionate, to her surprise.

  During a wait on the balcony between dances, he said sophisticated little things, and then a glance of their eyes suddenly met, said "I love you" to each other- strangely disturbing to the girl! They went home soon after-he said,

  "It's getting too warm."

  Then they stopped at a Chinese restaurant to get her some Chinese candy; but domineeringly he went to a table and said to her, "Sit there; come over here beside me." They had food; he ate ravenously. He flirted, and she was new at flirting. She toyed with sugar and said nonentities. He looked all around the place to see he was unobserved (she wore a large hat) and kissed her on the cheek, and to her very susceptible self, it seemed very insufficient.

  Then they left to go home. Just outside of the door, upstairs on the landing, he caught her and kissed her most thoroughly, and she felt his sex getting close, close to hers (and he a Minister!) and herself being hugged as only a strong man could hug. To her amazement, he did not say: "Will you marry me?"

  When they reached the street (a Chinaman coming up had made them part at last) she said, "What made you do that?" He said, (to her disappointment) "Oh, I am very passionate." They took a last bus, sat on the top-the only ones-and he finally took her on his lap and tried (as you say) to put a naughty hand up her dress, and she seemed a willing victim, and so he stopped. And he said, "We must not see so much of each other since we fall so hard for each other."

  Again-to a man that ended the matter. To a girl it seemed to mean the beginning of a deeper friendship. You don't seem to understand what that may leave in a girl's mind of sorrow and disappointment.

  Suddenly another married man, a Jew, met her, offered to teach her how to write, made love to her, tried to make her his mistress, never did succeed in getting her to go away with him. The unsophisticated girl went with him to his office in the building of the… School. He told her later he had asked her only in order to make love to her.

  Our girl was almost killed with mere loneliness. One day on going into town she wore her new suit (quite attention-attracting), missed the train and took the trolley, having only a ten dollar bill (her month's wages) in her pocket.

  Her seat-partner paid her fare and started to talk to her about the loneliness of a traveling man, district manager, etc., etc., of a shooting stall in Canada, etc. Finally he asked her to have dinner with him that evening. The lonely girl did. He talked liberally, of trial marriage, etc. Our lonely girl was susceptible to comradeship but not to trial marriage. He asked her to get another girl for another man. She got a girl and the girl's own man-friend- one she rarely saw; the four went to a new thing-a night restaurant roof garden where she saw astonishing things-little girls (very young) displaying their sex from the rear suddenly. It disturbed her; she pitied them, having studied children and loved them; they were such young girls and so ignorant looking
. However, her newfound friend was a hospitable, bigtalking passionate person. He rushed her along on the street, he tore along to her friend's apartment, the friend gave the key, and persuaded the girl to let his sex touch hers. That one performance may have given her gonorrhea! He asked to come out next day. He tried to get her to come to the hotel but she did not.

  During the week some man-friend of his called her up saying the man had left her telephone number and address and had asked him to call her up. This humiliated the girl and she hung up the receiver, and was very, very miserable.

  The following Saturday she went to the station to take a train into a college club meeting (she hadn't money enough to join the college club, but this was a group meeting). On the way before she reached the station, a beautiful car stopped and the beautifully gotten up uniformed chauffeur said respectfully:

  "Can't I give you a lift?" Parched in life at the awful estate place, she who had never taken a "lift" accepted, sat beside the person and was amused at his respectful awed talking to her, calling her "ma'am" telling of his travels over the world in the car for his young and wealthy master. The master sounded interesting. He said how lonely it was to ride around without a companion. He seemed to be having to do that for some reason or other. It was hot summer time and the breeze in hiding was grateful to "our girl." He said he would be glad to put his own car at her service any time she wished. He asked her if she would go to a beautiful place she had heard of but never seen. She wasn't sure so he asked her please to call him up. The next day she did and couldn't get him. The "house" evidently answered and said he was a servant and in the stable. However in the p. m. at the end of the lane leading to the beautiful estate where our girl languished, was a tin-canny car and the chauffeur; and with a text book on botany under her arm, our girl got in.