Missy beamed. She was decked out in a pink polka dot apron, but the Suzy-Homemaker effect was slightly hindered by the Japanese throwing star earrings. “Don’t worry. No creatures will be stirring in this house tonight. Not without losing some limbs.”
Pele grunted in satisfaction.
“I told you, Mom, St. Nick is a good criminal.” Alder insisted. “Like Lizzie Borden.”
“Hey, maybe the humans are okay with bearded dickheads sneaking down their chimneys uninvited, but I don’t tolerate intruders.” Pele muttered. “We have to be prepared for his attack.”
“Don’t worry. He’s not coming here. No way did you guys make the ‘Nice List.’” Sullivan rolled his eyes as Missy shoved a cookie at him. “Not if I was starving to death.” He informed her seriously and pushed the plate away. “Look, I need to make a phone call.”
A shadow moved in the corner of the room. Sullivan glanced over to see Qadesh, the darkest and most sinister member of the family. During his years in the military, Sullivan had met a lot of snipers. Pele and Djinn’s oldest child was a sniper. Quiet and watchful, Qadesh moved around the perimeter of the gathering, blending into the surroundings until you almost forgot he was there.
…Except Sullivan could feel a pair of opaque turquoise eyes cataloging his every move.
“Who you gonna call?” Qadesh demanded, his voice seeping out like darkness itself. If Teja was Scrooge, then Qadesh was the Ghost of Christmas Future. His holiday just wouldn’t be merry until he’d foretold some deaths and maybe offed Tiny Tim.
Thankfully, Sullivan was immune to intimidation tactics. His childhood had made sure of that. “The Ghostbusters.” He retorted. “What do you care?”
Qadesh’s predatory gaze narrowed.
Djinn sighed like a martyr. “Why do you want to ruin Christmas?” He asked Sullivan around a mouthful of ginger-dead man. “Can’t you just sit there and be jolly? We got you a stocking and everything.” He gestured towards the mantle, where someone had thoughtfully hung a tube sock with care. The word “Human” was printed on in black Sharpie marker.
Sullivan turned back to Teja, because talking to the rest of them was a waste of time. “I want to call my cousin Melanie. By now, she’s going to notice that I’m missing. I’m having Christmas Eve dinner with her and Uriel. I think Nia and Ty and the rest of them are supposed to be there, too.”
Teja’s eyebrows compressed. “You’re going to a party with other Phases?”
“Well, not if you keep me locked up here…”
She cut him off. “You’re going to a party with other Phases… and you didn’t invite me?”
“How could I invite you, even if I’d wanted to? You’ve been avoiding me for weeks, Teja.”
She ignored that logic, looking outraged. For someone so damn certain that she was emotionless, the woman seemed to feel a lot. “You said Uriel’s going. So Melanie’s Match is welcome, but you thought you’d exclude yours?”
“Everybody’s always excluding us.” Alder lamented. “It’s so unfair.” He made a considering face. “But --Hey!-- if the Water Phases are going to be out for the evening, we can go do our holiday shopping at their palace. They got all kinds of --like-- arty little vases we can steal. With dolphins and shit on them.”
“I don’t want a fucking dolphin vase for Christmas.” Satour complained.
“I didn’t exclude you.” Sullivan told Teja. “It just never occurred to me to that you’d want to spend Christmas with my family.”
“You consider the Water Phases your family and not me?!” She bellowed back.
“They’re related to Uriel and he’s going to be my cousin-in-law!”
“I like dolphins.” Missy chirped, disregarding the shouting. “And giraffes.” She looked over at Kingu. “Can you make me a giraffe with your powers?”
“No. I can make you a unicorn, though.”
Missy pouted. “I’m tired of unicorns. They’re always so dumb.”
“She has a point, monster. They aren’t the brightest species.” Hope added some barbed wire garland to the tree. “They keep stampeding into the lava pits.”
Kingu shrugged with lazy unconcern. “I simply manifest them with my powers. I cannot make them smart.”
“At least, they taste good. Not as gamey as reindeer.” Djinn cut himself another slice of fruitcake. “Okay, which Christmas movie should we watch next? Charlie Brown or Faces of Death?”
Teja jabbed a finger at Sullivan. “Uriel is a Wood Phase, not a Water Phase. They aren’t related. The Water Phases just like to stick their noses in everything.” She shook her head. “I don’t get it. Why the hell are those bookworms always so popular? What do they have that we don’t?” She looked around like one of the Fire Phases might have the answer.
Nobody did.
“Wait, Uriel’s a Wood Phase?” Sullivan was still trying to catch-up. It was impossible to keep track of the lunacy. “I thought I was a Wood Phase.”
“You are a Wood Phase!”
“So you think I’m the same as Uriel?” That was almost insulting. Melanie’s fiancé acted like Indiana Jones on crack. “That guy’s even crazier than you people.”
“And yet you planned to spend Christmas with him and not me.” Teja retorted. “You are determined to undermine our relationship, aren’t you? We are your family, Sullivan.” She waved a hand around the coven of Fire Phases. “You should want us to come to your parties.”
“I’m not going to his party.” Qadesh intoned.
“Me neither.” Djinn made a face. “Why is everybody always trying to make me do what I don’t want to do?” He scowled at Sullivan. “No one wants to go to your party, human. Stop nagging us!”
Teja closed her eyes, her head probably filled with visions of dancing sugarplums choking her idiot relatives.
“I really need an eggnog, now.” Sullivan got to his feet and headed over to punch bowl, which was shaped like a blackened human heart.
“Our eggnog’s a super-secret recipe.” Missy reported in a stage whisper. “You’ll never guess what’s in it.”
“Melted chocolate ice cream and whiskey.” Sullivan poured some into a paper “Happy Birthday Kevin!” cup. God only knew who --or where-- poor Kev was. “The empty container of Ben and Jerry’s and the booze bottles sort of gave it away.” He gestured to the debris on the table.
Missy looked over at Satour. “Ooooh, he is a detective.”
“Speaking of the Wood House, Uriel and Abram are going to come looking for that boy, sooner or later.” Pele put in, gesturing towards Sullivan. “Probably going to get Brokk and Gion, involved. And once Gion gets involved, Ty’s going to get Job involved…”
“Job can’t do a damn thing.” Teja interrupted. “Neither can the Wood House, or the Water House, or anyone else. Sullivan is my Match. Under the law, he belongs to me.”
Sullivan scoffed at that, although her possessiveness didn’t sound nearly as ridiculous as it should have. After all, his instincts all told him that Teja belonged to him, too. He definitely needed another drink.
Pele arched a brow at Teja. “He’s not yours until you Phaze.”
“Yeah, why aren’t you upstairs Phazing?” Djinn demanded. “Postponing it just gives the human a chance to escape.”
“Because, he won’t cooperate!” Teja pointed at Sullivan accusingly. “It’s unnatural.”
Everyone looked over at him.
“Christ.” Sullivan belted back his “egg nog. “I usually spend today dealing with drunken guys in ugly sweaters and turkey fryers that catch on fire. …And it’s still better than this.”
“Family meeting!” Alder banged his hand down like a gavel and all the Fire Phases obligingly focused on him. “Sully?” He adopted the concerned expression of a daytime talk show host. “Why are you not Phazing with my aunt?”
“Good question.” Teja crossed her arms over her chest and fixed him with a “Well?” sort of look. “Well?”
Sullivan’s jaw ticked.
&
nbsp; He wanted to sleep with her. More than he’d ever wanted anything, he wanted to tumble her into bed and never leave it. Holy God, but the woman felt amazing in his arms. All his instincts told him that sex with her would be beyond anything he could imagine. Touching her was like touching magic. But, he had the terrible premonition that it would be the end of their insane relationship.
Whatever supernatural energy thing Teja expected to find with him wasn’t going to happen. He knew that. Sullivan was just a normal guy, not a mutant. As soon as Teja realized that, she’d be done with him forever.
He’d never see her again and that was becoming increasingly unacceptable to him. How could Sullivan find her locked away here in Middle Earth? He had no idea how to inter-dimensionally travel. She could just disappear from his life and he wouldn’t be able to do a damn thing about it.
Sullivan stared down at the gruesome punch bowl. Every rational part of him knew he should want this madness to end, but, now that he had Teja so close… he didn’t want to lose her.
Kingu studied him for a beat. “In the beginning, it’s difficult to accept your Match.” He said and Sullivan had the uncomfortable idea that the dragon-guy could see far too much. “When you’ve been alone for so long, you come to believe that nothing will ever change. It seems safer to stay frozen than to crawl towards the fire.”
Teja winced.
Sullivan concentrated on pouring another drink. “Or possibly I just don’t like being kidnapped by maniacs.”
“Kingu kidnapped me when we first met.” Hope offered with a bolstering smile. “It was very romantic.” She looked at her cousin. “Teja, have you done anything to make this abduction special for Sullivan? That might help get him in the mood.”
“We’re not doing romance.” Sullivan muttered. “We agreed to keep our whole relationship impersonal. Teja was really clear on not involving any emotions.”
Teja groaned as her family’s heads swiveled in her direction.
“You’re supposed to courting him, Tej, not scaring him away.” Djinn made an expansive “Duh!” gesture with his hands. “No wonder he’s refusing to Phaze with you, if you’re being so cold about it.”
Sullivan’s brows compressed. Djinn was on his side?
“You’re on his side?!” Teja made an aggravated sound. “That is so frigging typical. Everybody make it my fault that my Match is an idiot.”
“It’s not about assigning blame.” Alder soothed. “It’s about deciding who’s screwed up the most and, right now, we’re thinking it’s you. Did you really tell Sullivan that you wanted a Match with no feelings?”
Sullivan was beginning to like this meeting. “She did.” He assured them.
“Well, you agreed to it.” Teja shot back. “Very goddamn easily, I might add. I explained that I can’t feel anything for you and you said you understood.”
“I do understand.” It was the one part of this misadventure that made perfect sense to him. Sullivan focused on a half-finished Lego replica of the Bates Motel that one of them had left on the floor. “Somebody like you is never going to love somebody like me.”
For some reason, that seemed to make Teja even angrier. “You don’t think I’m good enough for you, do you?”
Sullivan sent her a sideways look. “What?”
“You’ve convinced your Match that you don’t love him?” Alder threw up his hands, as if there was no hope for her. “Jesus, Teja, that’s why he’s being such a moody hostage. You broke his little heart!”
Even Qadesh joined Sullivan’s team. “Fuck, Tej…” His shadowy voice trailed off in frustration.
“It doesn’t matter that I can’t feel anything, because he’s not feeling anything, either.” She gestured towards Sullivan with an emphatic wave. “He doesn’t care, at all. I’m giving and giving and giving. And he’s still distrustful. He’s not even trying to love me. Why should he? Ask him how many women proposition him every day! Go ahead and ask him.”
All eyes switched back to Sullivan.
Sullivan sighed and settled down on an armchair shaped like a giant grasping hand. “I swear to God, either everyone here is crazy or I am.” He wearily pinched the bridge of his nose.
Kingu’s mouth curved. “I said something very similar when I first encountered Hope.”
Teja turned back to her family. “Sullivan’s gorgeous and he knows it. That’s what the problem is. He’s used to having a whole army of female admirers, so he’s pissed about being stuck with me.”
Sullivan outright sneered at that bullshit. Teja was so beautiful that men would line up just to look at her. Supernaturally gifted men, with friendly personalities and without scars. Bastards. If they showed up in Mayport, he’d arrest every damn one of them.
“Somebody’d better check the ingredients of those Christmas cookies, because you’re high.” He told her. “I’m not interested in any Cult members.” Not if they weren’t Teja, anyway. From the moment he’d first seen the lunatic in front of him, she’d consumed his thoughts. Everything in him insisted that Teja was his and no other woman came close.
“Chicks do dig the human.” Alder allowed, tuning out Sullivan’s objections. “They follow him around town in little parades.”
“And I’ve told all of you to leave me alone.”
“If that’s what you wanted, you could have killed a few of those potential home-wreckers to send a message.” Teja informed Sullivan angrily. “That’s the obvious solution. Or, even simpler, you could not be so goddamn handsome.” She scowled. “Did you even think about that? Granted, you’ve have thirty-five years of being the hottest guy in Florida, but you could at least try to be less attractive.”
Sullivan’s eyebrows climbed. “What?” He sputtered.
“You heard me. Actually, I don’t even blame the other women for wanting you.” She jabbed a finger at his chest. “Of course they’re going to respond to the fact that you’re so fucking beautiful. You incite people with your eyes, and your face, and your body.” She waved a hand up and down his supposedly irresistible form. “I think it’s deliberate. I think it’s your fault.”
Sullivan realized he had no answer for that.
“Sullivan is very good looking.” Hope admitted with a worried frown. “Kingu could use his powers to make him uglier, if you think that would help, Teja. Maybe remove that lovely scar.”
Pele’s eyes widened in horror. “No, don’t remove the scar! That would be a frigging tragedy. It’s soooo kickass.”
Djinn made a gagging sound. “Pretty boy human.” He grumbled jealously.
Sullivan looked around in amazement. For the first time, it began to dawn on him that they were serious. They weren’t making fun of him or trying to trick him. The Fire Phases honestly believed that he was some kind of male model. Were they blind?
“I’m not handsome.” He blurted out, because they seemed to have somehow missed the obvious. “No one else in the world thinks that.”
Teja regarded him like he had a brain injury. “What are you talking about? Everyone thinks you’re handsome, because you are.” She narrowed her eyes. “You could do better than me. We both know it. But, I’m your Match and nothing can change that. Correction: I won’t let anything change that. Not even you.” It was a vow. “Deal with it.”
Sullivan stared at her. Yeah… He was clearly the crazy one in the room, because nothing she said made a damn bit of sense.
“Hey, guys?” Satour called, his attention on the TV screen. “Um… I hate to interrupt the family meeting, but you might want to come take a look at this. I think we just became fugitives, again.”
Chapter Seven
One day we may see it.
It needs the fire of hot times to fuse the elements of greatness in the crucible of revolution.
F. Marion Crawford- “A Roman Singer”
Christmas Eve Night: Four Hours into the Investigation
“Did ya ever put Bailey’s on Frosted Flakes?” Alder asked seriously. “It’s the fucking breakfast of ch
ampions. ‘Cause it’s Irish cream, ya know? That’s totally the same as milk, only it’s got way more vitamins.” He frowned. “Alcohol’s a vitamin, right?” He didn’t bother to wait for a response. “Anyway, I ate breakfast about… ten in the morning.” He considered that for a beat. “No, it was ten-thirty, because Smurfs were coming on. After that, I bought this awesome action figure on eBay of --like-- the alien from Aliens. The big one, not the…”
Job cut him off, rubbing his temple where a Fire Phase induced headache had formed. “Is this fascinating tale going somewhere, Alder?”
“You told me to tell you everything I remembered about today, so that’s what I’m doing.”
“I meant everything relevant.”
“Dude, Smurfs are always relevant! They’re an allegory for the homogenization of society. They’re trapped in that mushroom gulag, forced to do the bidding of ‘Papa Smurf,’ their fucking overlord.” He added agitated air quotes around the name. “They slave away for the collective, rather than express themselves as unique individuals. They dress alike, talk alive, think alike. It’s totally like the faceless bureaucracy of…”
Job didn’t know or care what a Smurf was. “Alder, where are Teja and Sullivan?” He interrupted before he had to learn about the damn things. “Are they okay?”
Eian, of the Cold House slammed into the room before Alder could answer. “I want my sister back, you bastard!” His frosty exterior was fracturing, revealing a cauldron of fury underneath. “Give her to me. Now.”
“I didn’t take Freya.” Alder scoffed. “What would I want her for?”
“She wasn’t even supposed to be in the Cold Kingdom today.” Eian flattened his palms on the tabletop. “This is all your fault. You spread chaos like a goddamn disease and Freya is paying the price. Who has her? Tell me!”
Alder’s eyebrows compressed. “Did you question the cow, yet?”
Magic of the Wood House Page 9
