On Her Own

by Wanda E. Brunstetter

  What’s the matter with me? I shouldn’t even be thinking about marriage or children. Maybe I worked too hard this morning and it addled my brain.

  “Hello, Paul,” Barbara said. “How’d it go in the shop?”

  He hung his straw hat on the closest wall peg. “Everything went fine. There’s a lot to be done out there, that’s for sure.”

  She nodded. “With me not being able to work for the few weeks before the baby came, we really got behind.”

  “We’ll catch up quick with this man minding the shop,” Samuel said, following Paul into the kitchen. “I’ve never seen anyone work as hard as him.”

  Paul’s ears burned, and he reached up to rub them, hoping to hide his embarrassment.

  “I–I’m glad to hear it.” Barbara’s voice wavered when she spoke, and she stared down at her baby.

  Alice Raber lumbered across the room, her generous frame pushing at the seams of her long blue dress. “If you men have already washed, then sit yourselves down at the table, and I’ll call the boys inside.”

  “We cleaned up in the harness shop,” Samuel said, “so we’re ready to eat.”

  “I’ll be right back,” his wife said and went out the door.

  Samuel sat down at the head of the table, then motioned for Paul to take a seat.

  Paul complied but shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He felt out of place.

  Barbara seemed equally ill at ease. She kept her attention on the baby.

  The tantalizing aroma of sugar-cured ham tickled Paul’s nose and made his stomach rumble. This meal was bound to taste better than the cold sandwich and apple he’d brought to work. Struggling to come up with something intelligent to say, Paul felt relief when Alice returned with three young boys in tow.

  “Paul, these are Barbara’s boys,” she said, tapping each one on the shoulder. “This is Aaron—he’s close to nine. Joseph’s nearly six, and Zachary is three and a half.”

  Paul nodded as the boys took their seats. “I met Aaron the other day. It’s nice to meet the rest of you.”

  The two younger ones giggled, and Joseph nudged Aaron. Paul didn’t know what they found so amusing. Could they be laughing at him? Maybe so. He remembered one of the young English boys who’d come into Andy’s harness shop not long ago had laughed at him, saying he was so tall he looked like a beanpole.

  As soon as Alice sat down, Samuel cleared his throat, pulling Paul’s thoughts aside. Everyone at the table bowed their heads for silent prayer. When Samuel cleared his throat a second time, it was time to eat.

  “Why don’t you let me put the boppli in the crib?” Barbara’s mother suggested. “That way you’ll have both hands free to eat.”

  “I’m good at doing things with one hand.” Barbara glanced at Paul and caught him staring at her. Does he think I’m overly protective? She looked away and reached for her glass of water.

  “You’re not going to let me put the boppli down?” Mom persisted.

  Barbara lifted the infant and placed him across her shoulder. “He’s fine, and so am I.”

  Mom shrugged.

  Barbara speared a piece of ham with her fork and realized as soon as it touched her plate that it would be difficult to cut with only one hand. Little David was almost asleep; she could feel the warmth of his head against her neck and hear his even breathing. A weary sigh escaped her lips. “Maybe I will put him down.”

  She sensed Paul’s eyes upon her again as she stood and slipped out of the room.

  When she returned a few minutes later, Dad and Paul were engaged in conversation, while Mom looked content overseeing the boys. Barbara lingered in the kitchen doorway. Everyone seemed to be enjoying the meal and the camaraderie. She knew it was silly, but Barbara felt out of place. Since she wasn’t working in the harness shop, she had nothing to contribute to the conversation the men were having.

  A sudden wave of dizziness hit Barbara with the force of a strong wind, and a need to sit swept over her. She had to eat something, even if her appetite was gone.

  She moved slowly to the table and sat down.

  “Did you get the little one settled?” her mother asked as she poured a glass of milk for Zachary.

  Barbara took a sip of water, hoping to dispel the feeling of nausea she felt every time she looked at food. This was worse than morning sickness. “Jah, he’s fast asleep. It’s his second nap this morning,” she said with a weary sigh.

  Mom studied Barbara intently. “I can see by the dark circles under your eyes that you’re not getting enough sleep. Would it help if I started keeping the older boys at our place during the night?”

  Barbara took a bite of coleslaw, but it could have been shreds of straw for all the enjoyment she got from it. She knew why she was tired but didn’t understand the depression she’d been plagued with or her lack of interest in food. It wasn’t good for her or the baby.

  “Daughter, did you hear what I said about keeping the boys overnight?”

  “The older ones aren’t keeping me awake.”

  Mom reached across the table and patted Barbara’s hand. “This boppli sleeps less than the others did, jah?”

  Barbara nodded. “I wouldn’t mind being up half the night if I could make up for it during the day. But I’m way behind paying the bills and sending out orders for supplies needed at the shop.”

  Paul spoke up. “Is there anything I can do to help? I’d be glad to send out the orders for you.”

  Barbara bristled. He’s already doing my job in the shop, and now he wants to take over the paperwork, too? She forced a polite smile while she shook her head. “Danki for the offer, but I can manage.”

  Paul shrugged and took another piece of ham.

  Barbara pursed her lips. Did he think she was unappreciative? Didn’t the man realize how badly she needed to take part in her own business? She cut her meat. If only I wasn’t so weak. If I could work in the harness shop, I might not feel so useless. She felt like bursting into tears for no good reason as she swallowed the ham and washed it down with a gulp of water. Am I experiencing postpartum depression, still missing David, or just out of sorts because I’m feeling so drained?

  “Grandpa, can I help in the harness shop this afternoon?” Aaron asked.

  “I reckon it would be all right, if your mamm has no objections.” Barbara’s dad swung his gaze over to Paul. “And if it’s okay with Paul.”

  A muscle along the side of Paul’s cheek twitched.

  Barbara was happy to hear that her oldest boy had an interest in the shop again, but Paul seemed uncomfortable with the idea. “Aaron, maybe you should wait for another Saturday when I’m back working in the shop,” she suggested.

  The boy’s forehead wrinkled. “But that might take a long time. Grandma says you’re real tired, and the boppli’s gonna need you for a while.”

  Barbara couldn’t deny it. She might not be able to return to work for several weeks. She glanced at Paul again to gauge his reaction. He looked as uncomfortable as when he’d first entered the room. “If Grandpa and Paul are both okay with it, then you can help a few hours this afternoon.”

  Paul reached up and rubbed his jaw. “I guess we could use some help cleaning up the place.”

  “Is that all?” Aaron scrunched up his nose. “I’ll bet if my daed was still alive, he’d let me do some fun stuff. Always did before.”

  “We’re out there to work, not have fun,” Paul said with a frown.

  Barbara stiffened. “You don’t have to be so harsh with the boy. He meant no disrespect.”

  Paul’s face turned bright red. “I was just stating facts.”

  “I think working in the harness shop is fun,” she asserted.

  Mom’s head bobbed up and down. “That’s right. Why, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard Barbara say how much fun she has in the shop. Of course, that’s not to say I agree with her. Personally, I think harness making is too hard for a woman, and I’ve told my daughter so many times.”

  Obviously, ne
ither Paul nor her mother saw things the way Barbara did. She grabbed a deviled egg and bit into it, determined to get her strength back. As soon as she was on her feet again, she would be ready to take over the shop. Then Paul Hilty could hightail it right back to Pennsylvania.

  “I think I hear Davey, so I’d better go check on him.” She rushed out of the room.

  Alice stared at her daughter’s retreating form. Why was Barbara being so unfriendly? She seemed almost rude to Paul. Didn’t she appreciate that he had agreed to take over the harness shop until she could return to work? And why did Paul seem so testy with Aaron? It was no wonder the boy shied away from him.

  “So, what’s for dessert?” Samuel asked, smiling over at Alice.

  “I made a fresh batch of oatmeal cookies this morning, and we’ve got some applesauce to go with them.”

  “I’ll have some,” Samuel said with a nod.

  “Me, too,” Joseph put in.

  Alice looked at Aaron, but he only shrugged. She turned to Paul and said, “What about you?”

  “Dessert sounds good, but I think I should get back to work. Danki for inviting me to join you for the meal. It was very good.” He pushed his chair away from the table, grabbed his hat, and headed out the door.

  Alice looked at Samuel. “Do you want to take your dessert with you so you can get back to work?”

  Samuel shook his head. “Paul’s real capable. I think he can manage without my help awhile.”

  He looked over at Aaron. “You comin’ out to the shop with me, boy?”

  “Huh-uh.”

  “Why not? I thought you wanted to help.”

  Aaron shook his head. “Not today, Grandpa.”

  Samuel shrugged, glanced at Alice, and lifted his eyebrows. He was probably thinking the same thing she was—that it would be great when Barbara got her strength back and things returned to normal.

  Chapter 6

  I’m glad Mom could watch the kinner this afternoon so we could make this trip,” Faith said to Noah as they traveled down the road in their open buggy toward Barbara Zook’s place. “I really need to check on Barbara.”

  “And I need to visit the harness shop.” Noah smiled. “So it works out well for both of us.”

  They rode in silence awhile; then Faith spoke again. “I’m worried about Barbara.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “I talked with Alice the other day, and she said Barbara is awfully tired and acting depressed. She thinks this baby drained Barbara’s strength more than the other three did and wonders if she’s feeling down because it might be some time before she’s up to working at the harness shop again.”

  “Maybe she shouldn’t return to work at all. Maybe she should sell the harness shop and concentrate on raising her boys.”

  “I’ve thought the same thing.” Faith sighed. “I think my good friend needs a husband.”

  Noah raised his brows. “Have you got anyone in mind?”

  “Not really, but—”

  He reached for her hand. “Now don’t go trying to play matchmaker, Faith.”

  “Of course not. I don’t know of any available men here in our community other than Bishop John. And he’s much older than Barbara, so I doubt she’d be interested in him.”

  Noah squinted. “Do you really think age matters so much?”

  “Well, no, I suppose not.” She poked his arm playfully. “After all, I’m a few years older than you.”

  “Jah, but only a few.”

  “Since I don’t know who would be right for Barbara, I promise I won’t try to play matchmaker, but I can sure pray about the matter. She needs a husband, and her boys certainly need a daed.”

  Noah nodded. “Speaking of a daed, my boss, Hank, is a lot happier since he and Sandy adopted little Johnny.

  She smiled, remembering how, soon after she’d returned to Webster County, she had talked to Hank’s wife about her inability to have children and how pleased Sandy had been once she and Hank had decided to adopt.

  Faith placed both hands across her stomach and struggled with her swirling emotions. Despite the fact that she’d been blessed with two special children, she longed to have more. But that was not to be.

  For the last few weeks, Barbara had kept pretty much to herself. She was tempted to go out to the harness shop to see how things were going but didn’t want Paul to think she was checking up on him. Besides, she felt uncomfortable and defensive around him.

  Barbara stared out the kitchen window. Two Amish buggies and a truck were parked in front of the harness shop. Business was obviously picking up. If Paul weren’t helping out, they would probably have to turn customers away.

  A knock at the front door halted her thoughts. “Now who would be using that door?” she muttered.

  When Barbara opened the door, her friend Faith Hertzler stood on the porch. “Guder mariye, Barbara. I brought you one of Noah’s lemon sponge cakes.”

  “Good morning to you, too. The cake looks delicious.”

  Faith smiled, and her blue eyes fairly twinkled as she stepped into the living room. “I thought it might fatten you up a bit. You’re looking awful skinny.”

  Barbara took the cake and motioned Faith to take a seat on the couch. “I’ll put this in the kitchen and bring us a cup of tea,” she said.

  “Sounds good. Oh, and Noah attached a verse of scripture to the cake. I added a little joke on the back side of the paper.”

  Barbara nodded and smiled. “That doesn’t surprise me at all.”

  A few minutes later, she returned with two cups of hot tea. She handed one to Faith and took a seat in the rocker across from her. “How come you used the front door?”

  “Noah’s out in the harness shop seeing about having some new bridles made. As I was heading up to your house, I spotted your three boys playing in the front yard and went to visit with them a few minutes.” Faith chuckled. “I was too lazy to walk around back after the kinner and I finished chatting.”

  Barbara frowned. “Aaron’s home from school already? I didn’t realize it was that late.”

  “School let out early today. It’s the last day of school, you know.”

  “Oh, that’s right.” Barbara thumped the side of her head. She didn’t know why she hadn’t remembered. It made her feel as if she were losing control when she forgot something. “Where are your kinner? Are they outside playing with my three?”

  Faith shook her head. “We left them with my folks. Noah and I are going to Seymour to shop; then he’s taking me to Baldy’s Café for some barbecued ribs.”

  “That sounds nice.”

  “It’s been awhile since we did anything without our two young’uns along.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Noah left Osborn’s Tree Farm a little early today, since things are a bit slow there right now.”

  “I see.”

  “Melinda was real happy about going over to her grandma and grandpa Stutzman’s,” Faith continued. “Her aunt Susie’s cat just had a litter of kittens.”

  “Is Melinda still taking in every stray animal that comes along?” Barbara asked, realizing that she wasn’t contributing much to the conversation.

  “Oh, jah. That girl would turn our place into a zoo if we’d let her.”

  “She’s never been one to sit around and play with dolls, has she?”

  “No, only the one her real daed gave her before he died. She hung on to that doll until I married Noah; then she finally put it away in a drawer.” Faith shrugged. “I tried to get her to play with the faceless doll my mamm made when I was a girl, but she stuck that away, too.”

  Barbara sipped her tea. “I guess some girls would rather do other things than play little mudder.”

  “Like me—the girl who grew up telling jokes and yodeling and couldn’t have cared less about domestic things.” Faith smiled. “How’s the baby? I can’t wait to hold him.”

  “Davey’s fine. He’s sleeping in his crib.”

  Faith leaned forward and set her cup on
the coffee table. “I’m glad he’s doing well, but I don’t think you are.”

  Barbara felt her defenses rise. Had her friend come over to lecture her? “I’ll get my weight back as soon as my appetite improves,” she said through tight lips.

  “You’ve got to eat enough for both you and little David. Nursing mothers need plenty of nourishment, you know.”

  “I’m fine. Still a little weak, but that’s getting better. And I make myself eat even if I’m not hungry.”

  Faith clasped her hands around her knees. “How’s your mental health?”

  Barbara blinked. “What are you getting at?”

  “You’re depressed. I can see it in your eyes and the way your shoulders are slumped.”

  Heat flooded Barbara’s face. Faith knew her so well, but she hated to admit the way she felt. She thought it was a sign of weakness to be depressed. Up until David died, she had always been so strong. Even after his death, she had managed to avoid depression by keeping busy in the harness shop.

  “It might help to talk about it,” Faith prompted.

  Barbara shuddered as tears clouded her vision. It wasn’t like her to lose control. “Talking won’t change a thing,” she muttered.

  “Maybe not, but it might make you feel better.” Faith patted the sofa cushion. “Come sit by me and pour out your heart.”

  Barbara sighed and placed her cup on the small table to her left. Faith wouldn’t let up until she got what she came for, and Barbara was pretty sure the woman’s goal was to make her break down. Faith had said many times that God gave people tear ducts for a good reason, and folks shouldn’t be too stubborn to use them.

  When Barbara sat beside her friend, she clenched her fingers and willed herself not to cry.

  “Is it postpartum depression?” Faith questioned.

  “Maybe.” Barbara felt her neck spasm as despair gripped her like a vise. “I think it’s a combination of things.”

  “Such as?”

  “Missing David, feeling bad because our youngest son will never know his daed, wanting to be out at the harness shop but knowing I’m too weak to do much more than care for myself and the boppli right now.”