No Experience Required

by Kimberly Cooper Griffin

  Whether it’s the gradual dawning, the smack-you-upside-the-head kind, or the tentative journey toward a golden ring, all anyone knows is it’s different for everybody, and you know it when it happens to you. If you have to ask, you probably haven’t experienced it.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  When Izzy arrived at her parents’ house, the street was already lined with cars. As she walked up the front walk, a swarm of the little ones ran from around the side of the house, chasing one another. A few of them waved and yelled, “Hi, Aunt Izzy!” as they ran past her and continued around to the other side of the house. They were all careful not to trample the flowers lining the front sidewalk. No one wanted to be on the receiving end of Grandma’s anger if any of her dahlias were harmed. The youngest of the crowd, Aldo, trailed after the pack and stopped in front of Izzy, holding his hands up for her to pick him up. Of course, she did, and he gave her a slobbery kiss before going rigid, which was his signal to put him down. When she did, he took off running after the others. She looked around for parental supervision, and one of her four brothers waved at her from the corner of the house before running after the kids. She had no idea how her brothers and sisters kept up with all the children. She loved having them all around, but she was grateful none of them were hers.

  She let herself into the house and said hello to a few of her nephews and nieces who were lounging on the couches in the living room playing on their phones. Madison was the only one who leapt up and gave her a happy hug, while the others just waved.

  “Maddie, you’ve always been my favorite.” She gave a meaningful glare over Madison’s shoulder to all of the others, and they laughed as they got up to give her hugs, too.

  She walked back to the kitchen and said hello to another brother, who was making a salad, and his wife, who was at the sink helping one of their little ones wash his hands.

  “The army is in the back, Iz,” her brother said as he tore up a head of green lettuce. She went out through the French doors to the backyard where everyone was hanging out. Most of her four brothers and three sisters were already there, as were a number of her nephews and nieces and their kids. The backyard was peppered with groups of people sitting in stackable, white plastic chairs and blankets spread on the grass for the babies.

  As she knew he would be, her father was standing at the built-in barbecue grill all of them had built for him ten years ago. He was wearing the apron that said “I Got Crabs in New Orleans” she’d brought back for him last year from a business trip to Louisiana. He’d nearly peed his pants when he read it. Her mother, who didn’t think it was that funny, was standing next to him at the counter, handing him hot dogs and hamburgers. The smell of cooking food made her stomach growl. Her identical-twin brothers stood near, chatting with their parents, and turned to look at her at the same time. They both smiled and waved. She could always tell them apart, but even their kids would sometimes go to the wrong dad.

  Her mom put a package of hot dogs on the table next to the grill and met her halfway across the patio, giving her a hug.

  “When do we get to meet Jane?”

  She’d told her mom about Jane earlier in the week. The conversation had been hard to bring up, and she’d felt like she was having a heart attack, but her mom would have felt slighted if she’d found out from someone other than her.

  “She had a thing to do with her parents today. I’ll ask her to come to next week’s dinner.”

  “Her parents can come, too. Three more won’t make a big difference.”

  Izzy didn’t want to get into Jane’s issues, especially since she didn’t really know the whole story. What she did know made her not like them—especially Jane’s father.

  Two of one of her brother’s kids ran out of the house and across the patio.

  Her mom gestured toward the yard. “Are you sure you want to subject Jane to this? We might scare her away.”

  Izzy smiled. “She’s been warned, but she said she’s not scared. Let’s see how she does.”

  “So, it’s going good?”

  Butterflies fluttered in her stomach at the thought of Jane. “Yeah, it’s going well, Mom. Better than well, actually. Fantastic.”

  “Are you girlfriends?”

  Izzy had been wondering about this herself. “I don’t know what to call it. We’re not just dating. I’d say it’s kind of serious.” Maybe it was because she was talking to her mom and her defenses were down, but panic shot through her when she admitted how she felt. She looked to her mom for grounding.

  Her mother beamed. “Well, whatever you call it, I’m so glad. You deserve someone special.”

  Her mother’s statement left a lot unsaid. Top of the list was her fear Izzy would never find love because of her bipolar illness. Her mom hated for her to be alone.

  Izzy watched the children run around the yard. “It’s a little early.”

  Her mother shifted to stand in front of Izzy so she was forced to look at her. “I see love in your eyes, honey.”

  Love? No way. It was way too early for love. Wasn’t it? “We’ve only been together a week or so.”

  Her mother put her hand on Izzy’s shoulder. “The heart doesn’t work on a designated time line, Isadora.”

  “I know, Mom, but you know me. I like to take it slow.”

  Her mother flicked the dish towel that had been draped over her shoulder at Izzy. “Slow is an understatement. But I understand. I just don’t want you to be overly cautious to the point of never getting there. You know what I mean?”

  “I know, Mom. But I can’t help it.”

  They were quiet for a moment, watching the rest of the family do their thing.

  “You’ve been stable for a very long time. You may never have another episode. We’ve read the books. Some people have one bad period and never go through it again.”

  They’d had this conversation several times in the past. Her mother was the eternal optimist, and Izzy was the eternal pessimist, just waiting for the next episode to sweep in and clobber her.

  “Other people have to regularly check themselves into the hospital to adjust meds even when they try to manage everything just right, Mom.”

  Her mother rubbed a hand on Izzy’s arm. “Other people. Not you, honey.”

  She’d tried not to think about it the last several days since she and Jane had started seeing each other. But it was out on the table now, so she had to face it. “It’s not me now. But it could be me. Who knows what can trigger it again?”

  Her mother twisted the corners of the dish towel.

  “You’re so careful. You’ll know if you’re starting to show signs of an episode. It’s not like you’ll snap. You’ll show symptoms before it gets bad. You know what they are. You’ll catch them and adjust accordingly.”

  Izzy grimaced. “But what if the adjustment is too painful?”

  Her mom knew exactly what she was scared of most. “You mean, what if being in love causes the episode itself, and you need to leave the relationship?”

  “Yeah, I guess that’s exactly what I mean.”

  Her mother stepped in front of her again. “Would you rather be so careful you never know, honey?”

  “I’m not sure, Mom. Maybe I need to think about her, too.”

  Her mom took a moment. “Why don’t you let her decide for herself?”

  She hugged her mom. “You always sound so logical.”

  “It’s what a mother does, honey.”

  * * *

  As Izzy drove home, she thought about the conversation with her mother.

  Love? Ha! Strong attraction, sure. Deep-like, for sure. But love? No way!

  But…maybe.

  Shit! She’d missed her exit. She drove to the next off-ramp and backtracked, the question continuing to niggle at her. Was it possible she might be falling in love with Jane?

  She’d spent most of her adult life protecting herself and others from her illness, scared she’d lose control and hurt someone or herself—mostly herself, to
be honest. But, aside from her hospitalization and a few times where she’d had to adjust her medications, her illness hadn’t posed a real issue. And even during those times, she’d only had to monitor her reactions to things to make sure she wasn’t feeling or acting outside of her own comfort zone. However, the illness had always been on the forefront of her mind, predicating her actions, reining in the way she led her life. And in all that time, she’d kept a safe distance from anything that could possibly rock her carefully controlled life, which included keeping a safe distance from possible romantic relationships. One bad relationship and subsequent episode had barricaded her from taking a chance again. After all this time without incident, was she really okay continuing to live her life at a distance from love?

  She thought about Jane, and her heart beat harder. The last week had been amazing. She wanted nothing as much as she wanted more time with Jane. And it hadn’t been scary. Anxiety-ridden? Yes. But, she hadn’t spent any time at all worrying about acting badly or losing control of her emotions. She’d actually been enjoying where her emotions took her, mostly. The only time she felt fear or out of control was when she stepped out of the moment and analyzed herself to make sure she wasn’t moving into a mania in which she might lose herself. And when she tested herself and imagined how she would react if Jane rejected her, she felt as if she could find herself on a precipice of the abyss she’d been in all those years before. But even in the normal scope of things, wasn’t the thought of losing something like love supposed to make a person feel depressed and maybe a little out of control? Besides, what was normal anyway?

  Love? There was that word again. Was she really in love with Jane? Without hesitation, a part of her screamed, “Yes!” while the analytical part of her tried to dissect what love really meant. A warm rush of feeling filled her, and she realized she’d answered her own question. Yes, she was in love.

  An immediate panic emerged.

  Was it too quick? The wary part of her tried to put on the brakes. But she’d known Jane since the start of the summer. Izzy’s mind wandered to that first day in the orange breakroom. She’d been enthralled by Jane ever since, and she hadn’t even known it. She’d looked forward to seeing her at work every day. She’d sought Jane out in the halls at work and watched the clock every day until it was break time or lunchtime. Truth be told, Izzy had been taken with Jane since the first day she’d met her. How had she not figured it out until now? Probably because she’d been so busy keeping up the barrier she erected between her and the world.

  As she turned onto her street, her phone rang, disrupting the hyper-analytical path her thoughts had taken. She was relieved. The display on her dash said it was Jane.

  “Hey, beautiful,” she said with a smile.

  “Hey, yourself.”

  “How was dinner at your parents’?”

  Jane sighed. “Superficial and tense, which equates to a good day in the Mendoza household.”

  So much was implied in that statement. Izzy was glad Jane felt comfortable enough to be open, as slight as it was, but she didn’t feel comfortable pressing for more details. “I thought you would be tied up with them until much later.”

  “I did, too, until I realized I had better things to do.”

  Jane’s throaty voice sent shivers down her back. “Like what?”

  “Like you.”

  “You have a dirty mind,” Izzy said, but she loved it.

  “I know. I know.” Jane sighed as if resigned to the fact. “But really, I was sitting there, trying to be engaged, and all I could think about was how much more I wanted to be with you.”

  Izzy’s pulse raced to think she might see Jane. “Where are you now?”

  “Driving down the 101 near the San Mateo bridge.”

  “Do you want to come here?”

  “If you’re up for it.”

  “Of course, I’m up for it.” Izzy pulled into her open garage. When she entered the house, Gus danced at her feet, waiting for her pet him. She threw her keys onto the counter and rubbed his head.

  “I can hear Gus being all excited to see you.” Jane laughed. “I’m going to swing by my place and pick up Lester. Can I spend the night?”

  “We have work tomorrow. But I’m definitely okay with it if you are.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll let you get your beauty sleep.”

  “You know me so well.”

  “I’ve seen you when you haven’t had enough sleep.”

  Was Jane alluding to something? She wanted to ask, but she decided to let it slide. “I love sleeping next to you,” she said, instead.

  “Me, too.”

  The house was clean so she didn’t need to do much to prepare for Jane’s visit but load her breakfast dishes into the dishwasher and change the sheets.

  She performed one last check around the house and noticed her medication dispenser on the bathroom counter. It was an elaborate, multi-compartment unit that held seven days’ worth of medication. Since she had to take medication three times a day—in the morning, at noon, and at bedtime—the dispenser was an easy way to make sure she stayed on top of it, since missing a single dose could affect her mood for days.

  She slid the dispenser and all of the medication bottles into a vanity drawer. She’d have to eventually bring up her condition to Jane, but it hadn’t come up yet.

  The doorbell rang forty-five minutes after the call. They watched television and then went to bed. After making love, Jane fell asleep, and Izzy held her, thinking about the conversation with her mother and her thoughts in the car on the way home. The feelings she had for Jane washed over her. If she wasn’t in love, she had no idea what love was.

  * * *

  You’re still wondering if it’s love. You’re spending all your free time together, and still, it isn’t enough. It’s like you want to crawl into their skin and merge with them. Wait. Too much? Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, things are going really well, and it’s obvious you’re no longer just dating. What you have is getting pretty serious.

  What do you do now?

  This is the time when many people start spending the night regularly at one or the other’s place. Maybe you start to carry a toothbrush and a spare change of clothes with you when you visit. You might offer a drawer for them to keep their stuff at your house. Heck, you might even be thinking about living together. Besides getting to spend more time together, there are certain economic advantages to combining your households.

  Regardless of the living situation, though, this is also the time when most people want to declare some sort of exclusivity, whether it’s monogamy, rules for their polyamory, or just plain laying down some sort of expectations of one another when it comes to sharing the object of your heart.

  Right about now, things are getting real, folks.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Izzy probably would have just put the water bottles back in the cooler rather than stand in the long line if it wasn’t for the dogs. She was already filled with guilt for having to purchase the single-use plastic bottles, but they’d already used all the water they brought. With temperatures hovering at the hundred-degree mark and the water fountain not working at the dog park where Jane and the boys waited, she needed them. At least the air-conditioning in the store felt nice. She fanned herself with her ball cap and waited in the slow-moving line.

  After she paid for the water, Izzy jogged across the street. Heat radiated from the dark pavement. It would definitely be a short stay at the park. Jane wasn’t at the bench where she’d left her, but she spotted her throwing a tennis ball for an unfamiliar chocolate Lab. Gus darted around the dog as it charged with singular focus for the ball. A woman she didn’t know stood next to Jane, and they chatted as if they knew each other. The woman put her hand on Jane’s arm and left it there. A flare of annoyance rose in Izzy. The touch implied a familiarity she didn’t like. Jane subtly stepped back out of the woman’s reach, and Izzy chided herself for her jealousy.

  Izzy stood by the bench, w
ondering if she should join Jane and the woman, but Jane looked over her shoulder and saw her. The smile on her face erased the last vestiges of Izzy’s annoyance, and she walked over to them. Jane gave her a quick kiss and took one of the bottles of water. “You’re a goddess! I’m on the verge of heat stroke.”

  “The line was a mile long. It’s half-priced Slurpee day.”

  Izzy smiled at the woman standing next to Jane while she poured water into the collapsible dish they’d brought for the dogs. Lester took a couple laps of it, and Gus drank like he’d been in the desert for a year. She offered some water to the Lab, too, who was nosing toward the bowl.

  “Come on, Sheba. You have your own bowl.” The woman moved the other dog’s bowl next to the one Gus and Lester shared.

  Izzy offered her hand to the woman. “Hi, I’m Izzy.”

  The woman took Izzy’s hand. “Bethany.”

  Jane shook her head. “Where are my manners? Izzy, Bethany is an old friend of mine. She works with me at the university.”

  Izzy noticed Jane didn’t tell Bethany how she and Jane knew each other. Had she already explained the situation? Or was she unsure what to call her. Girlfriend? Lover? Coworker? They all applied. Which did she prefer? Ugh. She was overthinking things again.

  Bethany slowly let go of her hand. “Nice to meet you, Izzy.”

  “Same here.” Bethany’s eyes were a stunning light brown with a golden ring around them. Her radiant smile was just as striking. Izzy had to admit the woman’s presence was almost palpable. Not that Izzy was attracted to her. She was too polished for Izzy, almost too put together. She looked familiar, though. Izzy tried to place her.

  Bethany rested her hand on Jane’s shoulder. “Did you just call me old, JM?”

  “You know what I mean!” Jane swatted her hand away.

  “What do you do at the university?” Izzy asked. The feeling of unease returned. This beautiful woman was obviously familiar with Jane, almost flirty. She didn’t know if she was jealous of the longer tenure of their relationship or of the way Bethany was always touching Jane.