by Gayle Eden
Sage went to O’Malley’s. She ignored the invitation looks on a few male faces—the same as she got at the café. After ordering a drink, she found the table furthest from the main crowd and sat down, drinking, knowing it wasn’t going to help, or numb out any of the thoughts, and feelings.
Kane wasn’t going to give up.
All that was left was for her to decide what to do. She could run. But, something told her, Kane wasn’t one to let her get far.
The look on his face. The dawning of truth in his eyes. No. She had to figure this out, and take her son into consideration.
Sage had two more drinks then left, because the bar was getting crowded. At the hotel, she showered and changed into soft plaid shorts and a T-shirt. Her wet hair up with a clip, she sat in the silence, and semi darkness, cross-legged on the bed. Her cell lay within reach, but every time she felt compelled to dial, she looked away from it.
When the hotel phone rang, she jumped, grabbing her chest a moment before stretching over to answer it.
“Hello?”
“It’s Kane.”
Great. He had her hotel number.
His deep voice sounded gentle, a lot in thought when he asked, “Can we talk? Will you ride out here, to the ranch? I know you don’t want to meet in town somewhere.”
“Not tonight.” She lay back on the bed, stretched out her legs, and rubbed her tense stomach. Looking up the ceiling, she swallowed all the arguments that wanted to spew out. “I worked today. I just—I need a couple days to—”
“Sure. Two days, then? No one will be here and—”
“Okay.”
“Sage.”
Oh God. She wanted to blame the chills on her skin on anything but the fact he could still stir her. “Yes?”
“It’s not going to be as bad as you think. I may be a hard ass, but I’m mature enough to know you really were a young girl, caught up in something you weren’t ready for—. I didn’t consider that as much then, as I was just—”
“—It was a long time ago.” She closed her eyes. “My life was very controlled. Meeting you was—well— it was my first taste of freedom; of being or doing anything without being under my parents or my father’s watchdog’s eyes. It was a taste of something real, or so I thought…”
“God. Sage, I—”
“—No. How could you know what I felt? It grew me up. And that’s not all bad.”
There was silence a moment. He eventually said, “I never really pictured you all grown up. You were beautiful then. You’re twice that now. Your eyes—I see a lot there. It hurts me that I had a hand in putting some the hardness I see in them, there.”
“Life. Choices. There’s a lot that does that.” She looked over at the bedside clock. “I’m beat.”
“Yeah. I’ll let you go.”
She pictured him in her mind—his handsome, rugged, face, and long—too sexy, too fine body. She didn’t want to have any attraction to him, but considering, she forgave herself for it. He’d been her first love. Her first lover, no matter how brief. For a while, for those two days, it had been unforgettable.
“Goodnight, Kane.”
“Night, Sage.”
After hanging up, she got into bed and lay awake another hour, framing what she’d say to Michael. She had to talk to him first. She had to put him and his feelings first. He had to be told the truth.
At least, the part that mattered.
Sage groaned and rubbed her face in the pillow. She’d almost reached the point of having everything she’d come here for. Now, she didn’t know what that future would be. Not with Kane Croft back in her life, in any manner.
She’d call Michael the next day.
~*~
Sage drove out to the ranch, having forgotten how vast it was, how beautiful, as she drove past the fenced pastures, and into the valley.
Pulling up the drive after going through the gates, she saw the massive old oaks with their new green leaves dancing on a breeze. The house was rustic, perfect for the setting. When she pulled in and shut the engine, she sat for a moment, her gaze on Kane—leaning one shoulder against the porch brace, obviously awaiting her.
He was the quintessential rancher, from his cowboy boots, to his hat, cocked at an angle—that long sun-browned body dressed in worn jeans and denim shirt—open, it looked like, with a T-shirt underneath. He belonged where he was.
She got out; glad she had worn low-rise jeans and boots, a tank under her short-sleeved purple shirt. She’d tied her hair back at the nape, but the tight curls always wafted out around her face.
Sage slid her sunglasses up, tempted to check her subtle make up, but she figured that would reveal how self-conscious she was.
Pausing, at one point, to glance around at the lawn and beyond, then at the flowerbeds, she used the time to breathe, feeling his intense gaze watching her.
Sage reminded herself that she’d been a full size woman, even when he’d met her. She had more serious issues to deal with today than her self-esteem—and wondering about the hundreds of women he’d doubtless bedded over the 11-year span.
She looked at him, walking closer, and offering, “I had forgotten how beautiful it was out here.”
He straightened. His green eyes meeting hers. “Do you know how to ride?”
“A little.”
“We could do that.”
She shook her head, having reached two steps below him.
Sage wet her lips. “I don’t think my nerves are up for it.” She tried to ignore his sensual mouth, the way the scruff enhanced it, and his hard jaw, the steady way those green eyes regarded her.
“Coffee?”
“Something cold?”
“Sure.” He turned and asked, “You want to come inside?”
“Out here is fine.”
“Diet cola?”
“Great.”
He headed for the door. Her last steps to the porch were spent admiring his firm ass, the cowboy saunter—and shaking her head in disgust at herself.
When he returned with two glasses of iced cola, she was half sitting on the wide banister, still admiring the view.
He leaned, slightly facing her, eyes on her profile as she drank.
His smooth deep drawl made her turn to look at him as he murmured, “I didn’t think you’d come.”
“I almost didn’t.” She rested the glass on the banister, her gaze sweeping his visage before she looked beyond him.
He removed his cowboy hat and finger combed his hair, and she peeked at it, the sable and sun streak mix that was layered and thick. When he tossed the hat on a rocker, he asked, “Tell me what happened?” His gaze tried to catch hers but she looked away. “Tell me everything.”
Drawing in a steady breath, hearing her words come out with too much emotion, she began, “I’ve had someone telling me what to do, what to wear, believe, feel, think, all my life. Whatever happens—whatever decisions come out of this conversation, my life isn’t to be dictated. I won’t be intimidated or threatened. I spent my entire existence with men doing that. It’s not going to happen, Kane.”
Kane saw the truth—knew it— from remembering her father. He believed it. “I just want the truth. Once I have the truth, I want to have my feelings about it considered. I want to tell you my why. Not because I deserve it, Sage. But because we’re adults and if—”
She held up her hand. “I get it. I realize I’m here because it’s time. Maybe it’s something unfinished too, that has to be finished. I know I can’t run from this, although—that’s not what I was doing with my family. I was…”
She sighed and looked up a moment, before lowering her eyes. “After you ended it with me. I was devastated. I couldn’t do much but cry. I’d basically obeyed my strict parents in everything up until meeting you. However, I didn’t want to go to school, or even get out bed. My mother was furious.
My father— not much better.
I couldn’t tell them the truth. Eventually, they dragged me to a doctor. When I checked out physically, he
gave me meds. I threw them away. At some point, I went back to school—though I was numb. Father was finishing up his business here. With mother’s social rounds, things went back to normal. Only—I got sick. I mean really sick.”
She took a drink of the soda and then murmured, “They thought it was a bug, but I was terrified, I hadn’t had a period. I knew what it was. I think my father went crazy when the truth came out. I refused to tell them who or how. Nothing, not locking me in my room, threatening to send me away, all sorts of dire things, nothing got it out of me.”
She met his gaze for a moment. “In my family, in my religion, talk of when and who you marry is something you hear from the time you’re born. It’s what little girls play, and mother’s dream of. I had known for some time that my father would hand pick him. I knew he would choose someone like himself—rich, powerful, a traditionalist—at least on the surface.”
She smiled bitterly. “Virginity is a big deal. It’s as much a father’s pride, as it is your mother’s. Papa was furious. My stubbornness and silence enraged him too. I later found out he had to add some money to the pot, to sweeten Sascha up enough to take a wife who was pregnant with someone else’s child.”
“I wish you’d told me.”
She laughed coldly. “Yeah? As if, you left any possibility of that when you told me I was just a mistake. Too young, and not really your type?”
“I’m sorry. I know I was an ass hole. I did it all wrong.”
“You crushed me, Kane. You really destroyed me—for a long time.”
He closed his eyes a moment, shaking his head. When he opened them, he reached to touch her hand.
“I’m sorry. Please believe me. I thought I was being selfless. I knew your old man wouldn’t approve, and I didn’t want you getting in trouble. But that’s not all of it, Sage. I felt things for you that I couldn’t handle. No way did I think I could ever have you as a girlfriend. You were so young. I—”
She cut him off, “I had my son, Michael. I tried to be a wife to a man who resented him, and let me know, often enough, how he’d done my father, and me, a favor in marrying me, and claiming my son. It was all surface. Just like, I’d been brought up in. Lovely home, social, and family gatherings. Strained pretenses with my parents. Who took no joy in their grandson and tried to bury me in guilt. They fawned on Sascha. As if, he was their savior. It was two years of hell and the only way I held on, having no one but a younger Aunt I’d eventually confided in who lived too far away to do much, was that bond with Michael.”
“Michael?”
“Yes. Michael was the name of my brother who died at three years old. He had multiple health problems. His full name is Michael Salvatorie. I loved him…”
She released a long breath and slid off the banisher, sitting in one of the chairs, and rubbing her palms down her thighs before murmuring, “Sage is not my given name either, or wasn’t— until after I legalized it.”
“What was it?”
She waved off handedly, “Allesandra Lucia. It’s simply Sage now.”
“Allsandra Lucia. That’s beautiful.”
“My Nana chose it. I invented Sage for myself in school. It was—something that I could control, I guess.”
She cleared her throat. “It took time for me to plan how to get out the marriage. I owned nothing, and Sascha kept me on a short leash. Eventually, my Aunt, who owns a bakery with her husband, agreed to help me. I pawned what I could, got a beat up car that I hid, and stashed some money, clothing.
One night when Sascha and I returned from a social gathering, I told him I wanted a divorce. He refused. I told him I hated him. That he was a bully and a bastard—like my father. That I didn’t feel he’d done me a favor. I really did hate him for ignoring Michael, and making me feel like shit.”
She watched Kane move so he was leaning his hips against the banister facing her, palms cupping the edging and booted ankles crossed.
It was hard to get it all out under his scrutiny, but she only intended to say it once. So Sage sucked it up, and got on with it. “I told him I was having an affair with someone— and would cause a scandal unless he divorced me.”
“Were you?”
She stared at him.
“Sorry.” Kane grunted. “Go on.”
“I went to my Aunt and Uncle. The divorce went through. My father and mother let it be known—through family—because being disowned they no longer spoke to me, that I was a disgrace. It was both damming and threatening. I’ll admit I was scared. My father is not someone to cross. Nevertheless, I got on my feet, and I took my Aunt’s advice about picking somewhere to start over. Somewhere my father wouldn’t find me—if he wanted to. Where I could have a different life for my son and myself. They’ve been keeping Michael for me, for two years now. I tried another place, a small town, but I choose here.”
She bit her lip. “Maybe. I knew that despite how you felt, how it ended, Michael would need to know you someday. However, I can’t say that was my main reason. I just felt drawn here. It was the only place, for a time, I was really happy.”
Kane moved again, this time sitting on his haunches in front of her. He took her hands in his, searching her face as he said, “I’m glad you did. I keep saying it, but I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything I said, in the way, I said it then. I guess—I was protecting myself from something I thought was futile. But Sage, I would have done right by you. I would have saved you from that mess. I would have—”
She wanted to pull away from his touch. Her hands tingled. The look in his eyes, the truth in them, only hurt worse. “It’s over. History. A long time ago.”
She did pull her hands free, saying, “This isn’t about me. Not even about you, Kane. It’s about Michael. He’s hated our absence from each other, as much as I have, though he understood it. His childhood was as normal as I could make it, but not close to perfect. I told him what I thought he could understand, and he’s smart, very intelligent. He’s—not trusting with everyone. Sometimes… he broods and I feel so guilty. Like maybe, I should have stayed with Sascha and lied to him and—”
“He knows?”
“He knew his father was rancher. I told him we were young, and that it didn’t work out. Yesterday—I called, and talked more openly. Not about our brief relationship. He knew I was buying a house, and that I had saved for it. A fixer upper, but a home for us. I could send for him…and we’d have this life together…
It hasn’t been easy for a young boy without a father, trying to understand why my family can’t be there for him, aside from my Aunt. He’s strong. But he shouldn’t have had to deal with what he has…”
“It’s partly my fault too, Sage.” Kane admitted quietly, “Knowing about him or not, I made the initial choice. It wasn’t a good one for either of us, but you’ve borne the brunt of it.”
She didn’t want to cry. She’d been strong too long. She’d risked everything, and she had come far in this new life on her own. Sage never imagined he’d be anything but accusatory and angry. For years, his crushing words ripped through her when panic tempted her to run to him for help. She looked at him now, a solid, confident, grown man. Her natural attraction aside, she was a little amazed that someone like him could see things from her point of view. Even admit that his actions shaped what happened in those early years.
“I told him your name. That I had moved to the town near your ranch. He was upset; naturally. He felt I’d kept a lot from him.”
“I want to meet him, Sage. I want to know him. I’m not the most open and easy to talk to person in the world. But he’s my son.”
At that rasp in his tone, the tension in his eyes and face, Sage knew he was holding back a natural inclination to demand it from her. He was emotional, but fairly good at hiding it. His type would be.
“I’m meeting my Aunt, half way, next week. I’ve a few days off. She’s bringing him. There’s no use in waiting, or putting off his living with me. You’ve got to give me and my son time to clear the air. He’s hurt,
and he’s angry with me at the moment. I have to have a little time with him. And he has to want to see you.”
Kane turned away digging a cigarette from his pocket and lighting it. His eyes were on the distant landscape as he smoked.
Her gaze drifted over his hair where the breeze teased it, then those nostrils releasing smoke, next the tightly held jaw. He was broad shouldered, his height and stance making him seem remote, and yet revealing his inner struggle. She remembered the younger Kane who’d first brought her here, telling her the history of the ranch. Though he didn’t bring her around his Grandfather, it was obvious that he idolized him.
She was still staring at him when Kane turned his head and met her gaze, his eyes narrowed against the smoke. “Did I mention my brother Carter to you, back then? And Rio.”
“I’ve met them, actually.” She told him, “I thought Carter was you, the first time I saw him. I’ve lived here long enough to hear everything. I’m sorry about your Grandfather. I do recall that you and he were close.”
He nodded slightly, his gaze skimming her face before coming back to hold hers. “Carter and Skye were married. Rio and Jesse will soon.”
“I’ve heard. And Jesse’s brother, I knew him from coming into the café.”
“There’s a lot of gossip in small towns.”
Because of the look in his eye, she murmured, “Your reputation with women is none of my business.”
He looked away and then back. “I don’t want anyone putting you in that category. It wasn’t like that. I know I fucked it up. But it wasn’t. And I—I want him to want to meet me, Sage. I want a chance…”
“I’m sure he will. He needs to vent, I guess. He’s too young to understand everything. Someday, maybe he will. He’ll want to meet you. The rest…it’s up to you, Kane. Just don’t forget that he’s eleven years old, almost twelve. He doesn’t need anyone in his life that isn’t going to be there for him—for the rest of it.”
She got to her feet and walked to stand over beside him, drinking the rest of the soda before she released the glass, leaving it on the banister. She turned to walk off the porch. Sage felt him move to join her, going down the steps.
