“Yeah, he had a cab on his truck and blankets in back and everything.”
“He planned it?”
Her shocked tone made me wince. I was so naïve. “Yeah, he said he’d hoped for it. I guess I gave in a little too easy, huh?”
“Well, given all you’ve told me about your lack of sex at home, it’s not totally unbelievable. So what are you going to do?”
“I’m going to tell my husband. Tonight.” Closing my eyes, I wished it to be true. Please, God, help me to do this. Even though I’m not sure You’re listening to my cry for help, I need You.
“You’re braver than I’d be right now. I can’t believe you actually did it.” The compassion in her tone was evident regardless of her comment. I knew she loved me still.
“Pray for me? Please?” I pleaded.
“Of course. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t pray for you?”
“Thank you.” Closing my eyes, I felt relief surge through me. Someone would pray.
“Hope, I’m just curious. What was it like? I mean was it better than with your husband? The sex?”
My mind returned to that steamy encounter in his truck. No, my husband was better, but only because I loved him. Sure, Tony could perform, and my body loved every minute of it. But the emotional piece was missing.
“In some ways yes, in others no.”
“What do you mean?”
“I love my husband, even though he can’t seem to make love to me. I don’t love Tony. I don’t know what I feel for him. Just attraction. And my body loved the attention. It was fabulous. He performed like he had tons of experience. Man, that’s the worst part. I told him when we were done that I had hoped if he kissed me, it would’ve felt like I was kissing my brother. But it didn’t.”
“What did he say?” Jenna was truly curious. I could tell by her voice.
“He laughed and said that was great. I told him it was terrible. He looked worried that I meant his performance.” I chuckled. “But I reassured him that part was wonderful. I told him that it was terrible because I enjoyed it so much. I’m terrible…” I sobbed.
“You are not terrible. What you did was wrong, but you were hurting. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Just confess it and move on.”
“I don’t see how that’s possible. I can’t undo any of it. In fact, I’m not so sure given the lack of sex in my marriage that I wouldn’t do it again. I need this right now, and my own husband won’t give me what I need. I haven’t felt him inside me in so long. And I don’t want to take care of myself. So no matter what I do, it feels wrong. All of it.”
“I feel bad for you, Hope. I do.” Jenna’s voice sounded tight.
“That’s okay. Just keep praying. I’ll tell him tonight. Right now I’m going to take a nap.” Ruffling my bangs with my fingers, I sighed.
“Talk to you later, then. Love you, girl.” Jenna hung up.
Putting the phone back in the holder, I stared for several minutes. A nap would be good. That way I could forget for awhile. Then maybe when I woke up, my husband would be home and we could talk about it.
So I lay down and closed my eyes. But visions of Tony slowly stepping toward me and kissing me with such passion kept playing in my head over and over, until I grew sexually frustrated.
A shower. That’s what I needed.
I got up and turned on the hot water. Maybe I could burn away the ache in me.
I glanced in the mirror before I stepped into the stall. I did look pretty good. So why didn’t my husband want me? Why did he turn away when I walked by him without my clothes on, obviously inviting him to partake? What was so wrong with me that he had no desire for my body anymore? I didn’t know the answer, but I grieved the loss.
My skin heated as the extremely hot water reddened my skin.
As I stepped out of the shower I heard the back door open, so I grabbed a towel and quickly wrapped it around my wet body. Grabbing a comb from the counter, I ran it through my hair.
A tap on the door, and my husband entered the bathroom.
The sudden noise had made me drop my comb. When I bent down to pick it up, my towel fell off. I decided to leave it on the floor and finish combing my hair. Let him look at me and see what he’s missing.
Glancing at him in the mirror, I saw sadness in his eyes as he stepped closer. Did he know?
His hand stroked my back side and I thought I’d burst with joy. My skin tingled at his warm touch. The feel of Tony’s hands on me paled in comparison.
I turned to kiss him and wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing against him.
He broke the kiss and gently pushed me away. “I have reservations. We’re going to dinner in thirty minutes. We can do this later.”
Then he walked out.
Stunned, I wondered how dinner could taste better than me. A lump formed in my throat as I remembered my resolution. I will honor him. Besides, this could be a God-thing. Maybe telling him in a restaurant would be the safest place. No way would he explode in anger if other people were there to witness it.
I dressed quickly. My husband whistled at me and smiled.
My heart warmed. Then I thought about our son. I couldn’t tell my husband with Jimmy sitting next to us. That would be a big mistake.
Jimmy ran into the kitchen and said, “I’m ready.” He had his backpack on and wore a huge grin.
“What’s with the backpack, Son?”
“I’m staying over at Mark’s tonight, right, Dad?”
“Yep, Sport, you are.” My husband touched my shoulder and led me out the door.
After dropping Jimmy off at his friend’s house, I started to tense up. My stomach had developed some serious cramps and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to eat a bit of dinner. Forcing my mind to think about other things, I grabbed his hand as we drove. When his thumb stroked my knuckles, the tears started tumbling down.
He pulled into the parking lot and noticed my grief. “What’s going on, Hope? You sad about losing your parents?”
It struck me that ten years ago on this very day my parents were both killed in a car accident. The money they’d left me paid for our house, but I’d rather have my parents alive and live in a shack. “I guess I am,” I replied with some hesitation.
“Come here.” My husband hugged me, and I cried harder. Why did he have to show me affection now? The same day I’d made love with someone else. I loathed myself even more, if that were possible. What was I going to do?
At least if he decided to leave me, our son wouldn’t be home to hear the fight.
James whispered in my ear, his warm breath sending delicious shivers down my spine. “I love you, Hope.”
This intense craving for physical contact was still new to me, but I liked it. If I could just tame my urges and direct them only toward my husband…
“I love you, too.” I sobbed on his shoulder.
“We don’t have to go in there to eat if you’re not feeling up to it.”
I eased away from him and wiped my eyes. “That’s okay. I’ll pull myself together.”
“I didn’t mean to make you cry. I just know how hard this week is for you every year, and I know I haven’t been the best husband these days. So I thought we could talk about it over dinner.” He touched my cheek, and I knew the husband I longed for was back, if only for this moment.
Once I told him what I’d done, he would never forgive me. It would be hard, but I had to get it out. I had to come clean.
So I kissed him tenderly. He kissed me back and his tongue explored my mouth with a gentle passion that I’d missed.
Why now?
“I love you, too, James. So much. But…”
He tipped my chin so I had to look him in the eyes. His trusting expression was so vulnerable and sweet that I knew he’d be crushed. Would it be crueler to tell him, or keep it a secret? What he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him, right?
I looked away.
“What is it, Hope? Talk to me.”
Slowly I returned m
y gaze to his. I could only imagine how haunted my eyes looked as his gaze bore into mine. “If we talk about it, you’ll hate me.”
His hand dropped to the seat, and he eased away from me, stunned. “There is nothing you could ever do that would make me hate you, darling. Nothing.”
I shrugged. “I think there is.”
He exhaled sharply and with trembling hands he opened the door. “Let’s eat first, then finish this conversation later. I’m starved, and my hands are getting shaky.”
I glanced at his hands. They were shaking. How odd. Did he know what I was about to tell him? The thought made my stomach flip. But he’d said that nothing I could do would ever stop him from loving me.
But this was so bad. I almost didn’t have the heart to wound him with the truth.
After the food arrived, we ate in silence. It was over dessert that our earlier conversation picked up where we’d left off.
“I think there is something I could do that would make you stop loving me.”
My husband snorted. “Yeah, right. Not you. You’re not like my ex-wives. You’re different.”
Forcing myself to admit my wrong, I tipped my head down and examined my split ends. My hands shook. I tucked a wayward lock of hair behind my ear and I squeaked out hoarsely, “Maybe I could hurt you, too.”
Terrified that he’d blow up and humiliate me in the restaurant once he realized what I meant, I scooped more ice cream and popped a spoonful into my mouth.
James stared at me hard, then shook his head. “You’d never do that to me. Not you.”
I choked on the ice cream sliding down my throat. It was then that I decided to drop the subject. I knew I couldn’t hurt him further, not like that. But at least I’d gotten the truth out, even if I had been vague about it.
But I think he still got the message. I could see pain and fear in his eyes.
His gorgeous, trusting blue eyes.
Chapter 4
Once we arrived home, I wondered if James had really understood what I’d done. What I’d tried to tell him. He acted like nothing had changed. I readied for bed, wearing my short pink silk gown with the low cut neckline, his favorite. My long brown hair caressed my shoulders like silk. I draped a section over the front of my gown so it covered part of my breast. I knew he liked my hair this way, so I gave it all I had, including the bedroom eyes.
He gazed at me with sadness in his eyes, and yearning. I wish I could take everything back and start over again. But some things couldn’t be undone.
“Come here.” My husband reached for me.
My skin tingled at his command, and he hadn’t even touched me yet.
I threw myself into his arms. “Oh, James. I love you so much.”
He held me tight for several minutes, then drew back until he could look into my eyes. “You’re my best friend, you know that? I thank God for you every day.”
Closing my eyes, I turned my head away. When he looked at me with such emotion, it haunted me. How could I have hurt him like that? I hated myself.
“Look at me, Hope.” He touched my chin and guided my head. “I want you to look me in the eyes.”
I lifted my lids and peered at him, wondering what he’d say next. Trembling at his touch. Pouring my heart out to him, but without words. I ached for intimacy and held my breath as I waited for his declaration of love.
“I’m not the man I once was, Hope. I can’t satisfy you anymore. I’m sorry.” His eyes filled with tears, and I felt lower than dirt.
Resting my head on his shoulder I held him tight. What did that mean? Was he telling me we’d never have sex again? I didn’t get it. With my face burrowed into his shoulder, I inhaled the scent of his musky skin, then asked, “What are you saying, James?”
“You deserve a younger man, a man with some life still in him. I just don’t feel well anymore. My drive is gone. I don’t know what’s wrong.” He sighed and turned away.
Maybe he hadn’t heard me when I’d told him what I’d done. Maybe I was too vague, or he really didn’t get it. Now another chance to tell him presented itself. I could make sure he understood this time. I opened my mouth, but the words wouldn’t come.
His gaze slowly covered me from head to toe and back again. “You are so beautiful.”
Tears now cascaded down my cheeks. “Don’t give up, James. See the doctor and ask him to help you find out what’s wrong.”
“No!” he yelled, making me jump. He shoved his finger in my face. “I’m not telling anyone about this. And you better not, either.”
“But how will it get fixed if you don’t—”
His face darkened. “I said no. I’m not talking about this anymore.” He stomped toward our bed and pulled back the sheets, then slid under them.
I stood with my mouth gaping. “Does this mean that we won’t ever—”
“Hope, honey, it’s not that bad.” His voice softened. “We love each other. What more do we need?” He peered up at me with a distant look in his eyes, like he’d resigned himself to a sexless marriage.
I hadn’t thought I was being selfish, but was I?
“James, there are things we can still do. Your hands work just fine. Sometimes I just like to kiss, you know? Nothing expected, just a kiss.”
He grunted. “Yeah, right, Hope. Come on. You know what you want.”
Was that so wrong? To want my husband? I didn’t get it. “Of course I want that, but I’ll take anything you give me, honey. Anything.”
“No! Not if I can’t follow through.” Frowning, he rolled over until he faced the wall, just like that.
Anger welled up in me. He’d given up too easily. It wasn’t right.
My fists clenched. I’d make him respond to me. I just needed to try harder to get him aroused. So I slid under the sheets and pressed against his back. With our son staying at his friend’s house, we wouldn’t have to worry about him barging in on us. So I kissed James’s hair, his neck, and inhaled deeply. My hand rested on his abdomen. I slid it lower. “Baby, let’s make some noise.”
He wedged himself between my arm and his torso and flung my hand off him. “Stop it, Hope. Just let me sleep.”
Let him sleep? Was this what I had to look forward to in our marriage from now on?
Fine!
I folded my hands over my chest, stormed into our guest room, and turned on the computer. I hadn’t checked my e-mail yet, so until I cooled down, at least that would distract me from wanting to use his back as a punching bag.
After deleting junk mail, I scanned my list. Tony had e-mailed me. Excited and terrified, I gave in to the urge to find out what he’d written. My blood pumped so hard it made my ears ring. Clicking on the message, I held my breath…
I still can’t believe what happened. It was like a dream. You make me happy. Tony
Well, at least I made someone happy. I swallowed hard as I decided what I’d say in return. After deleting several potential replies, I ended up with this… You were great. I will never forget what happened either. I’ll dream about it tonight, for sure. Hope
Within seconds, he responded. We can meet again. My wife, she is gone for two days so I am home tomorrow until I must leave for work. Call me? Tony
His wife would be gone? Wow. That meant I could see him one more time. So what if all he wanted from me was the same thing I wanted from him. It helped me cope with a miserable situation, and from what he’d already told me about his wife, Tony wasn’t getting any action at home, either. Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow. Hope.
Yawning, I stretched and started when my husband suddenly appeared behind me. “Who is that e-mail from, your boyfriend?”
My face heated and I shrank from him. “Would you care if it was?”
He flinched. “Come on, Hope. I was being sarcastic. I know you’d never do that to me. Now let’s go to bed.”
“But I don’t want to sleep yet.” I gave him my most pleading look and raised the skirt of my nightie. “Touch me, James.”
“Dang it,
woman! I told you how I felt! I just want you to come to bed. To sleep.”
“Then I’ll stay up.” I turned away from him.
He stormed into the other room and I heard him crack open a beer. Well, he could have his beer. I decided to watch a chick flick, since that would be the only romance I’d probably get. Too bad it had to be a fantasy, a work of fiction. I wanted the real thing, and from the looks of things, sex with my husband would never happen again.
Suddenly I felt less guilty about wanting to see Tony. If my own husband didn’t want me, then what other option did I have? Besides, I’d only see Tony one more time. Then we’d end it. I’m sure he’d agree it was simply too risky to keep meeting, because one of these days we could get caught in the act.
I’d rather be eaten alive by sharks.
*****
The next morning I got up and dressed for church. James decided he didn’t want to go and I didn’t push him. Let people ask me where he is. I might even tell the truth, that James was at home feeling sorry for himself.
Then we’d see if he played hooky again.
But honestly, I was relieved. Because if he stayed home, and with our son staying at a friend’s house, I could slip out right after church to see Tony and my husband wouldn’t sense a thing. I always stayed after church and visited, sometimes for hours. Funny thing is the last thing I wanted to do right now was talk to my girlfriends. All it would take is one sincere “How are you doing?” and I’d probably fall apart and confess it all.
Better to avoid everyone. Maybe I’d claim a stomachache. Just thinking about showing up in church after my rendezvous with Tony made my stomach cramp, so it would be truthful at least. I hated to be deceptive.
As long as nobody asked, I wouldn’t tell them, or I could truthfully say it was the blues. Most of my close friends knew that I had trouble this time of year, so it wouldn’t take them by surprise.
Sucking in a deep breath, I inspected myself in the mirror and then kissed my husband’s cheek as he sat in front of the television with a beer in his hand. In our thirteen years of marriage he’d never drunk more than one beer a day.
Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) Page 4
