Lately he seemed to guzzle down two or three, minimum. That didn’t help our relationship, and one time I’d even told him I thought it might be contributing to his problem. Boy, that really blew up in my face. Somehow it became my fault that he needed beer every night, supposedly because I was too sexually demanding. That was a poor excuse to smell like a brewery, but he clung to his belief about me.
Sheesh, most husbands would love a wife with an insatiable appetite for her husband. So why didn’t he feel that way? I didn’t understand his rejection, and it didn’t make it hurt any less. He’d always been “into” me until this past year. We’d had a wonderful love life. I wish I could turn back the clock, in more ways than one.
So I sat through the service. My lips moved during the songs, but I couldn’t make the words come from my mouth. How could I praise God and sing about my love for Him while planning to meet my lover after the service? It was despicable, so I faked it and hoped the sermon would be about God’s love, and not about sin, or adultery. I’d surely die on the spot if it was.
Regardless, I had to stay involved in church. If I suddenly dropped out, everyone would freak out and suspect the worst. Not that attending while in my backslidden state was a good plan, but if the Lord was going to give me the strength to say no, then going to church could only help. But I wouldn’t sing. Not out loud anyway. And the Lord’s Prayer? Ditto on that. No way would I repeat those lines. Not yet.
When the service ended, I slipped out the door before anyone had a chance to talk to me. I slid into my SUV and called Tony, my hands shaking as I waited for him to answer.
“This is Tony.” His thickly accented English made me shiver with delight.
“It’s me. Still want me to come over?” I closed my eyes as I waited for his answer. Safely away from my church friends, I hadn’t started the engine yet, so I could do that.
“Oh, yes. I hoped you want to come by my house. It’s very exciting to see you, Bella Speranza.”
I loved how my Italian nickname rolled off his tongue. “I’ll be there in ten minutes. Just give me directions.”
“When you see my road, take a right, then left on Durango. My house is tan color. I wait for you in back so neighbors don’t see you.”
“Will they say anything?” I was suddenly worried. What if they knew me?
“Neighbors can’t see in back of my house. Is open field. Neighbors will think you are family friend. Your windows have tint, yes?”
“Of course. I forgot about that. Okay, I’ll be there in a few.”
“I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again.” His voice deepened to a purr.
“Same here.” I clicked my phone shut and reveled in the feeling of being desired. I loved it and it frightened me at the same time.
Within minutes I arrived at his house and drove to the back, hidden from the street and the neighbor’s view. Tony stood on the back step wearing a pair of sweatpants and nothing on top. I hurriedly shut off my cell phone. No way would I take a chance on being interrupted. Not today.
As I opened the door and stepped down, I kept my eyes on him. His tan, muscular arms and chest captivated me, excited me. I couldn’t believe his wife didn’t want him. Was she crazy? Or blind?
The half grin on his mouth widened into a broad smile when I shut the door. I hurried to the steps and he ushered me inside. “I can’t believe you come here.”
“I can’t believe it either.” I set my purse on the dryer.
We huddled in the pantry, staring at each other for mere seconds when I decided to pounce. I could tell he liked it, and that made me feel very powerful. So I pushed him against the washing machine and kissed him with everything I had in me.
He paused for just a moment—probably to catch his breath—and with labored breathing he held my face and whispered heatedly, “Woman, I have dreamed of this.”
I swallowed hard, not sure how to respond, but excited nevertheless.
As he approached me with some hesitance, he stared into my eyes, then tipped his head down and buried his face in my neck. He inhaled deeply and sighed. “You smell so good. Like sugar.”
I grinned, reflecting on how I’d discovered an old present under the bathroom sink that morning as I prepared for my shower. The brown sugar body scrub my older sister had given me for Christmas two years ago sat unopened, so I’d removed the lid and rubbed it all over me.
The sensation of his lips on my neck made me shiver.
“I want to taste you skin, Hope. You so soft, so wonderful.”
That comment really got me going, as my body mirrored him in that way. So when our frenzied kissing eased a bit, he led me by the hand to what he called his spare bedroom. I forced my attention straight ahead. I didn’t want to see any pictures of his family. Then I might change my mind.
The room looked comfy, but there was nothing hanging on the walls. Some cardboard boxes lay on the floor in the corner of the room. I peered at the bed, glad to have the comfort of a real mattress underneath me, and thankful it wasn’t the bed he slept in with his wife. That would’ve been too much. I already felt morally bankrupt, but pushed that thought out of my mind.
He gazed at me with adoration and asked me to remove my clothing. With my eyes fixed on his, I did as he asked. His eyes wandered, but returned to mine until I had finished. It had been a long time since I felt so beautiful, so revered.
Motioning for me to come closer with the gesture of his hands, I obeyed, and thus began an hour of bliss. Tony had amazing aptitude and had me going completely crazy until I thought I’d die. Yes, it was that intense. And I ate up every minute and suddenly understood why so many women in Hollywood wanted younger men. They were amazing!
When we finished, I lay in his arms, my cheek against the soft hairs on his chest. “I still cannot believe I am doing this,” he said with a tinge of awe in his voice.
“Me either.” I lifted my head and peered into his eyes.
“I’m so confused,” he frowned and gazed back at me. “I love my child, so I must stay with my wife, but I long to see you. I don’t know what to do.”
“Let’s enjoy what we have and not think about that just yet.”
“I suppose that is best.” He closed his eyes, kissed my hair, and stroked my back.
“Yeah,” I sighed and lay my head back down. As I pondered our conversation, I played with his hand, tracing the lines on his palm, then kissing his fingers one at a time.
“You know, I never think you do this with me.” His voice reflected wonder.
“Yeah?” Me neither.
I slid my fingers through his until we held hands. Ironically, his wedding band was still missing. Mine shone bright as the diamond reflected rays from the sunlight shining through the window. For a moment I wished I’d thought to take it off.
Not that it would’ve mattered.
Ring or no ring, I would’ve still joined Tony in bed. I wanted him that much.
“You know what’s so amazing?” He removed his hand from mine and ran his fingers down my arm as he propped his head with his hand and admired my body. A smile of appreciation formed on his lips.
“Hmmm…?” Beyond his agility in the bedroom? I couldn’t think of a thing.
“I look at you stuff on website. I read your book. You do not seem like woman who want this, but I sense passion in your book and I take chance.”
He squeezed me in a brief hug and mumbled into my hair as he kissed me several times. “I’m so glad I take chance, Hope.”
My eyes grew moist when I thought about what he’d said. Though I was glad that he wanted to please me, I thought about what a bad witness I’d been. I think that hurt most of all. But it was too late now. The deed was done.
He released a deep sigh. “I am sorry, but I must give bad news. I just find out yesterday we must move in six weeks. My job is sending me to Michigan for work. A few days ago I got promotion and before I move I need to sell house. My company wants for me to open halfway house in Flint. I was c
ounselor in Italy before I move to United States. They make me new director. My wife, she is very happy with this because she is near family in Michigan. That is where she visits this weekend. I would go, too, but I must work.”
I lay still, blinking back hot tears as I processed his words, trying to figure out what his disclosure meant.
He grinned and kissed my forehead. “But I am so happy you come to see me. That makes me feel so good.”
When it finally clicked in my brain, I sighed with relief. He was moving! At last, a way out! Then I wouldn’t have to choose between Tony and my family. If he moved, I would no longer have temptation nipping at my heels. That was wonderful news indeed! “You’re moving? That’s…that’s so great!”
“Wait a sec.” He maneuvered until he could lean against the headboard and sit up. His expression grew concerned. “Why you think is great?”
I sat up and faced him. Touching his hair at the nape of his neck, I drew him close for a brief kiss. “Don’t you see? Then this…thing we’re doing won’t go on forever. We can go back to our lives like they were before. And I don’t have to keep seeing you behind my husband’s back!”
“Is not so great to me. I desire you, not my wife.” Tony frowned and looked sad. Even a bit worried.
“That’s bad, Tony. You must desire your wife. You have to. Especially if you’re moving. If you don’t find a way, then you’ll find another woman, and that would be too risky for you. Especially after this...” I laid my head on his shoulder and sighed. “I wish it were easy for me at home. But it’s not.”
“Why is that?” He touched my chin and directed my face until he could look at me.
“My husband doesn’t want to have sex anymore. I don’t know what’s wrong, but he can’t seem to get in the mood.” Tears filled my eyes.
“That is impossible. No man could resist you unless he crazy man.”
I brushed the tears from the corners of my eyes. “Yeah, well, thanks anyway.”
We held each other for several minutes in silence. “So what are you going to do to work things out with your wife? What went wrong in your marriage?”
“Is hard to explain. Ever since she have baby she not want sex. Actually, this start before baby was born. I kiss her and try things but she pull away. I not want to force her so I stop trying so I make her happy. But she still not happy. She says it is the baby that makes her not want sex, but my baby is almost six months old. There is no excuse for not wanting sex. But she insist and she get angry with me. When she does give in, I know she is not interested, but does from duty. That turns me off. Is very hard for me.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.” I played with the hair on his chest, wishing my husband would even try to please me. I’d take anything at this point.
“Is your wife Italian?” I asked absently as I watched his chest rise and fall, mesmerized by the reality of his naked body next to mine. Still feeling heady with a desire for more.
Tony chuckled. “She is white American like you.”
“Mmmmm…” My curiosity appeased, I didn’t know what more to say.
He kissed my hair and squeezed me with a little grunt of affection, his hand trailing down my arm. “Thank you so much for coming to see me.”
My throat tightened with emotion. I felt so mixed up. “Do you think this is it? Should we say goodbye now…since you’re moving?”
Tony drew me closer and held me tight. His voice sounded husky. “I must see you if you want to see me. I will miss you, miss this…” He buried his face in my hair, nipping at my earlobe, until one thing led to another. The next thing I knew we’d tangled together and torn the sheets loose. A half an hour later, just as he finished, the phone rang.
He hopped from the bed and answered it. “Yes, my sweet. I am getting ready for work. How is you mom?”
As I watched him standing in the buff, talking to his wife, I wondered what I had gotten myself into. But then I remembered my husband’s lack of interest in me, and I thought about what I had just done with Tony. My mouth curved into a smile from the pleasure I couldn’t deny. Even if our contact resulted in serious consequences, I wanted to see Tony again.
My own words came to mind. “How can anyone do something like that and still say they’re Christian?” Fear squelched my happiness and made my pulse skip in an erratic rhythm. Maybe those people weren’t Christian. Maybe they had lost their salvation. Maybe I had. Theologically that didn’t sit right with me, but could anyone honestly think if I died on my way home that I’d go to heaven? Not in my current state.
With that thought on my mind, I hurriedly got dressed.
I was about to leave when Tony hung up the phone. With tears in my eyes, I said goodbye and headed for the door.
“No, wait!” Tony grabbed me and held me tight. “Don’t leave me sad. I hate to see you hurting.”
He had no idea.
I clung to him and inhaled his scent, certain I was going to hell and wondering if that would change a thing. For once, I didn’t know if I even cared. How had I gotten so far away from my faith?
A little leaven leavens the whole loaf came to mind. Yep, Tony was definitely my leaven, but I didn’t know how to get the leaven out of me. And I didn’t know if I even wanted to.
After one more brief kiss, I left his house. Turning on the radio, I listened to the lyrics of the song that was playing. Something about turning back to Jesus, that He would cover my sins with His blood and make me new. I cried as I pulled into our driveway. It was too late for me. I knew it, and my husband would soon know it, too.
I was never good at lying.
Chapter 5
The first thing that happened when I entered the house was my husband barked at me, all the while staring at the television. “You didn’t answer your phone.”
He tried to call me? Was he feeling sorry for last night?
I entered the living room so I could look him in the face while I explained what happened. I saw that he was thoroughly engrossed in a basketball game on television. There would be no real conversation tonight. But given my recent transgression, that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.
“Sorry. I turned it off at church.” It was actually after church, but there was no sense in telling him when I turned it off. He wasn’t listening anyway. I went to see if my son had arrived home yet and peered into his bedroom.
Empty.
Just like I felt inside.
“Next time turn it back on after church. I needed you to get me more beer at the store.” His back faced me, so I couldn’t read his expression. Regardless, his tone suggested irritation.
“Sorry.” Then I mumbled, “Not that I’d go buy you more of that poison anyway.”
He grunted and cracked open another beer. Then he surprised me with another question. “What took you so long?”
Just then the NBA player on TV approached the free throw line. There were only five minutes left in the game. Now was as good a time as any to spill the beans. The crowd went wild and my husband jumped from his chair.
“I was seeing my boyfriend,” I announced with a hint of sarcasm.
He grunted, then yelled at the television.
Knowing he probably wasn’t listening, I added, “I think I’ll go kill myself now.”
“Sure, Honey.” He plopped back down and groaned, obviously upset that his team was now losing. The fact that he didn’t respond to either of my crazy statements told me he wasn’t attentive—at all. What else was new?
Unfortunately, not much.
I went to the bathroom and checked my face in the mirror. My cheeks and chin were red from Tony's stubble rubbing against my skin and my hair was all out of joint. Thankfully James had never really looked at me or he might’ve seen the strange, contented glow on my face—like someone who had been thoroughly made love to.
It would've given me away.
An hour later Jimmy came home dragging his backpack across the floor.
“I’m really tired mom. I think I’ll
go to bed now,” Jimmy announced after tossing his bag on his bed. “I didn’t sleep hardly at all.”
I looked at the clock. It was only a few hours before his usual bedtime, so I hugged him and helped him get ready. After he brushed his teeth, I grabbed his face, looked him in the eyes, and said, “You know I love you, right?”
He stared at me for a moment with this surprised “duh” look and said, “You don’t need to tell me all the time, Mom. I know you love me.” Then after a brief hug and kiss, he yawned and sauntered off to bed.
Well, at least my boy knew how I really felt. That was something. And I knew he loved me back. But lately with James acting the way he did, I wasn’t sure about his feelings at all. I just needed a little confirmation, you know?
I sat on the couch—near James’s chair—for several minutes just to see if he’d notice me. He didn’t, of course. Hurt and disappointed—though his detached response was completely expected—I peeked in to see if Jimmy was sleeping, and the boy was actually snoring! So I did something daring. I pulled off my shirt as I walked by the television, revealing my black lace bra.
Nothing. No response at all. Not even a whistle.
In tears again, I slinked into our bathroom and washed my face before climbing into bed. Exciting dreams of my encounter with Tony earlier that day filled my mind until I woke up frustrated. I glanced over at James’s side of the bed. Empty.
It wasn’t quite midnight yet, so I decided to see if he was still up watching television. But first, I donned a black see-through baby doll that James had bought me when things were still wonderful between us. That outfit should get his attention.
I grinned with delight when I thought about the bliss our encounter would bring. He would make love to me again. He just needed encouragement.
Slipping quietly into the living room, I noticed he’d turned the lights down low. A heated scene played on the television, and I stared, wondering why James could watch other people getting intimate when he wouldn’t do that with me. Then I recognized the movie, and couldn’t help staring myself as the couple made love on the beach.
Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) Page 5
