Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1)

by Michelle Sutton

  His voice trailed off and I could tell he was trying to maintain his composure.

  “But what?” I asked, eyes wide.

  Tell me you’ll love me even if I had an affair. Tell me, James.

  “I wonder if I can.”

  Huh? “What do you mean, you wonder if you can?”

  “Well, the more I gave you, the more you wanted. It was never enough.”

  My defenses went up. Just a little. Okay, more than a little.

  “Maybe I’m hurting right now, and when I feel that way I just need more love. I don’t know why you’d think I wanted to have sex every night. I just want some affection, some attention. I need to know you love me and when you won’t touch me or kiss me, it really hurts…” Sobbing, I covered my face with my hand. There, at least I’d gotten it out.

  Our pastor interjected. “James, when your wife doesn’t have a smile on her face you need to find out why. A happy wife glows, and if she’s hurt or angry, it’s your job to find out why and make amends. The Bible commands the husband to love his wife and not deny her. The Scriptures do not command a wife to love her husband. She is to respect him. But love and respect go hand in hand. If you don’t show her that you love her, then she won’t respect you. It’s that simple. Like Christ, you must be the initiator of that love. Do you hear what I’m saying?”

  Even if James wasn’t hearing him, I sure heard every word. But what about me? How is sleeping with another man on the side showing respect to my husband?

  I knew the answer. It wasn’t.

  In fact, nothing could hurt a man more than knowing that someone else had slept with his wife. Nothing.

  The light of hope inside me flickered out.

  Chapter 9

  Depression pressed heavily on me, like a weighted vest. My days blended together as I waited for Tony to call, and yet at the same time I wished he would move on and leave me alone. The temptation to sin grew smaller with each passing day.

  When Sunday finally arrived, I still had not heard from Tony. I had to conclude that maybe he’d meant it when he’d said that our last encounter would be the end of our relationship. Even though he didn’t want that when he kissed me goodbye.

  He’d said, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  That was several days ago. So why didn’t I feel relieved? Instead, a gaping hole existed in my chest and it sucked all joy from my life.

  My husband rose and stood at the end of the aisle as the ushers collected the offering for the service. I wondered if any of the ladies in my Bible study suspected James and I were having problems. My husband was an attractive man, even with his hair thinning on top. He exuded virility.

  But looks could be deceptive.

  James still hadn’t tried to make love to me. Not really. Oh, we’d had a bit of an encounter Wednesday night after counseling with our pastor at church, but it wasn’t what I really wanted. I wanted him inside me, and that just didn’t happen.

  For the past few nights my husband claimed a stomachache, and for once that didn’t bother me. My eyes drifted shut and I imagined James gently removing my clothing and loving me like he used to before this whole nightmare happened.

  I felt a gentle nudge and bolted awake. Somehow I’d drifted off during the special music. My husband put his arm over my shoulder. It felt as heavy as a railroad tie across my back. I didn’t want to sit this close. Not now.

  I shrugged my shoulders. James obviously got the hint because he allowed a few inches between us.

  The pastor switched to Communion and our congregation recited the Lord’s Prayer. I mouthed the words, but didn’t speak them. Jimmy helped with the babies in the nursery, so just James and I sat on the pew together—alone. He noticed I wasn’t speaking and offered me a confused look. My gaze darted away.

  When the communion plate came by, I refused the wafer and the cup. The usher seemed suddenly uncomfortable, like I was the first person he’d ever seen refuse the Lord’s supper before. I knew that taking communion in my fallen state would be disastrous. So I let it pass.

  After church James kept glancing at me, but he didn’t say a word. I couldn’t help wondering what he was thinking, but I didn’t dare ask. That afternoon at our house grew tense as we went about our routine and barely spoke. I felt restless. Why hadn’t Tony called? Why hadn’t he written? Where was he?

  James lay on the couch reading and eventually dozed off.

  I slipped away and closed the door to the extra room where we kept our computer, and I opened my e-mail. My heart pounded when I saw Tony’s e-mail address. He’d finally written.

  I am scared, Hope. My wife, she come home half hour after you leave my house on Wednesday and she is now acting strange. She come home a day early. That’s all I can say for now. I think she suspect something. Please do not call me.

  Though I didn’t know if he would get the message right away I decided to write back, What happened to make her suspect you?

  Within a minute I received a reply.

  She in the shower so I must be fast. My wife, she come home and want to have sex and I can’t do anything. She is very mad now.

  I snorted. No way. You couldn’t do anything? I find that hard to believe.

  Is true. I never have this problem before. I think she know, but she is not saying.

  I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. If what he’d said about his wife was true, she’d make his life a living hell for him if she found out about the affair.

  So is this it for us? I typed. I blinked back tears, hating that I felt such a connection to this man who was not my husband, but wanting him still.

  I don’t know. I still want to see you, but I don’t know how we may do this. I keep thinking my wife catch me with you. She turns off shower now. I must go.

  That was it.

  The weight on my chest grew more intense until I could barely breathe. I needed to talk to someone I could trust. My mind flitted to everyone I knew and then landed on Angela. I picked up the phone. “Ang? You home?” I asked the machine.

  Come on, Ang, answer!

  “I’m here. What’s up, Hope?”

  “I need to talk. Can I come to your house?”

  “Sure. The twins are down for a nap and Jen-Jen is at the neighbor’s playing with their grandkids. I should be free for about an hour.”

  “Great! I’ll be right there.” I hung up the phone and walked over to where James lay sleeping. I didn’t want to disturb him, so I slipped into Jimmy’s room where he sat at his desk, playing a computer game.

  “Hey, Bud.” I ruffled my son’s hair.

  “Yeah?” Jimmy frowned in concentration and didn’t even look up.

  “I’m going to Angela’s for about an hour. Can you hold down the fort?”

  “Sure, Mom.” He licked his lips and clicked his mouse.

  With one more kiss to the top of his head, I left and headed straight to Angela’s house. She met me at the door.

  “You’re such a blessing! I really needed some adult company and here you are!” Angela greeted me with a hug.

  I clung to her and couldn’t let go. “I hate my life. I’m not a blessing. I’m cursed.” Then I sobbed onto my petite friend’s shoulder. I sensed her crying along with me. What a great friend she was, to share my pain.

  When I finally mustered the strength to talk, I stepped over to the table and sat down. She held my hands. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “My marriage is a mess, my life is a lie…” Hanging my head in shame, I blinked as tears cascaded onto my jeans with little splashes, like drops of rain. I wondered if God also cried with me now as I released some of the agony I’d been holding inside.

  “Oh, Hope.” Angela wrapped me in a big hug. “You know I still love you, right? No matter what you’ve done?”

  I nodded as I lay my head on her shoulder. If only I could tell someone I knew from church. Someone other then Jenna, who I only knew online. But I just couldn’t. Not now. Maybe not ever. But I wanted so badly to tell s
omeone in person. To release this burden I’d been carrying on the shoulders of one of my dear friends.

  The phone rang. Unlike my online friend Jenna, Angela never screened her calls. She stood and reached for the phone. “Hello?”

  I lifted my head and watched as my friend scowled slightly and said, “She’s right here, sitting across from me.”

  I mouthed, “Is that James?”

  Angie nodded. “I’ll let her know. Bye.”

  She hung up the phone. “He wanted to know if you could pick up some bread on the way home.”

  “That’s it? Then why did you give me that look?”

  “It was how he asked me. Like he expected me to lie and say you were here even if you weren’t. That’s not like him.”

  “True. But he believed you, right?” I swallowed hard.

  “Why wouldn’t he?” Angela released an exasperated breath. “You guys are really something else, you know that?”

  “Sorry. I really should be going. Pray for me, okay?” I blinked back tears as I stood.

  “How do you want me to pray?” Angie touched my shoulder and peered up at me.

  Trying not to choke on my tears, I said, “Just pray for me. When I’m ready, I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I can’t now…not yet.”

  “Okay.” Angie led me to the door and waved as I pulled out of her driveway. And I knew she would do what she’d said. She would pray.

  *****

  Leaves swirled around me as the fall wind whipped them into little funnels. I turned on the radio and tried to relax. My phone chirped and I recognized the ring tone. Snapping my phone open, I grinned as delight rippled through my chest.

  Tony had called.

  “Hope? Is me, Tony.”

  “Hey, I’ve missed you.” I tried to sound cheerful, tired of feeling on the verge of tears all the time, my throat tight.

  “Me, too. Listen. Can you meet me behind old warehouse on Frasier Road for few minutes? I need to see you beautiful face.”

  “What about your wife?” I held the phone tightly and turned my SUV onto the road that led to Frasier.

  “She drives to Rochester to buy paint for house. She take my son and so I am alone. I must work in an hour so I can only see you for few minutes. Is that okay?”

  Sighing with relief that I could finally see him again, I bubbled with glee. “Sure, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  When I pulled up behind the old warehouse I saw a little blue car, but no truck. My heart hammered and I thought I’d been set up. I was just about to peel out of the parking lot and take off when Tony jumped from the car. “Wait! Is me. I have different car. My wife take truck. I am sorry I not tell you this on the phone.”

  My shoulders relaxed and I parked my SUV and cut the engine. Tony climbed inside and we stared at each other for several seconds. He reached for my hand and held it. I sensed that his misery mirrored mine.

  “Oh, Tony…” I sighed.

  He leaned toward me and his lips covered mine. His kiss intensified so I moved over and sat on his lap. As I eased down, I felt his excitement straining against his pants. Mine mirrored the response of his body, like always. Wishing I had worn a skirt for once and not such tight jeans, I eased onto him and gently rocked.

  Though our clothing remained in place, I wanted him to know what he was missing. The heavier his breathing became, the more I knew I had him. I wanted him to long for me, and if I had to stir him up to get him to that place of desperation, I would gladly do it. I didn’t want to suffer alone.

  Tony stroked my skin under my shirt and I shuddered. Though I wanted more, I wouldn’t do anything in broad daylight. Not this time. Not this far into town.

  So after several minutes of teasing each other, I nudged away from him. “I’m sorry, but I have to go. My husband knows around when I left my friend’s house and I still need to go to the store for a loaf of bread.”

  Tony grinned and held up his finger. “One sec.”

  He slid out of my SUV, strutted over to the car, and reached inside. Pulling out a loaf of bread like a fisherman with a great catch, he smiled wide. “I stop by store for bread and peanut butter for residents at rehab and I buy two loaves. Now we have more time.”

  I wanted to laugh. I wanted to cry. I wanted this to end. But as he climbed back inside my vehicle and set a loaf of bread on the back seat, I felt warmth wash all over me. Tony cared about me. I just knew he did. And thus our exploration resumed until we’d steamed up the windows and finally had to part ways.

  Chapter 10

  I knew I should’ve checked the bread. But I hadn’t stopped to look at it. Not closely anyway. Of course, James immediately noticed the brand the second I strolled in the door.

  “You know I hate wheat bread. What’d you get that kind for?”

  “Yeah, Mom. Ick.” Jimmy approached me and peered at the bag, inspecting it as if a bug clung to the outside.

  Cringing, I prayed the questioning would end there. I had not thought out what to say, and I was a terrible liar. “Sorry, guys. This was all they had.” Technically that was true, since Tony gave me the loaf. Hopefully he wouldn’t ask to see the receipt.

  “Well, that blows my gourmet dinner plans.” James waved his hand toward me and joked, “You can cook now, sweet peach.”

  Like he would cook anyway. James hated cooking.

  I rolled my eyes and made sure he saw what I thought of his lame joke. And he knew it bugged me when he called me his sweet peach, but I judiciously ignored his jesting. For now.

  “Grilled cheese sound all right?” I asked Jimmy.

  “Yes!” He pumped his arm. Jimmy loved grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup. At least one of my guys would be happy with his dinner.

  James grunted near my ear, “What about me, Babe?”

  I wriggled away from him as I reached into the fridge for the butter and sliced cheese.

  His hand slid around my waist as I stood and closed the door to the fridge. He hugged me from behind. When Jimmy left the room, James began nibbling on my earlobe and rubbing his thumbs across the tips of my breasts. I couldn’t help laughing. He knew that drove me crazy.

  “James! What are you doing?” I hissed and laughed at the same time.

  “Just getting a little appetizer.” He whispered huskily against my neck. “I’ve been neglecting you and tonight I plan to make it up to you. Hope you’re ready for me.”

  Tingles of pleasure wafted over my skin and roared through me, as my body responded to his suggestion. Warmth infiltrated every cell inside me, and my femininity readied to receive him. The sensation—delicious, and what I’d been craving from my husband for months; something glorious and beautiful that we inherently understood.

  I’d missed my husband so much.

  No one—not even Tony—could inspire me in the bedroom like my husband. The thought that my sweet, loving James had returned to me made my chest ache with joy and sorrow. I’d longed for this day.

  Yet, it was bittersweet.

  Needless to say, I couldn’t wait until our son went to sleep that night. I imagined reuniting with my husband in body and soul a hundred times over in my mind. While I felt a nagging guilt about what I’d done with Tony, I pushed that thought aside. I wanted my husband, and if things were going to be right between us again, I didn’t want to ruin it with my sordid confession. Not tonight.

  Once our son went to sleep, I lit a few candles in our bedroom. For me, there is nothing more romantic than making love by candlelight. And I particularly enjoyed the scented ones. As I lit the vanilla cream candle in a hurricane vase, I watched the tiny flame grow. A grin formed on my lips. I hoped for a sweet experience with my true love, and prayed the candles would set the mood.

  Forcing thoughts of my husband’s prior rejections under the same circumstances from my mind, I decided this time would be different between us. This time things wouldn’t unravel before they got started. That’s what I promised myself as I lay on the comforter wearing nothing but th
e skin God gave me, my body throbbing in anticipation.

  James grinned at me as he entered our bedroom, glistening and clean. I loved when he came to our bed with damp hair. I reached for him and he waved his finger at me. “Uh- uh, sweetheart. You need to lie still. I’m going to give you a massage first.”

  Sweet heavens, I loved it when he did that. I’m sure my face showed it before I rolled onto my tummy so he could rub me down. I heard a shaking and slapping sound, and then something reminding me of a near-empty ketchup bottle being squeezed dry. A cold substance—must be the massage lotion—hit my skin and I gasped. “James! Ooh! You know I hate that.”

  My husband chuckled. Yep, he knew it, but being the tease that he was, he had to do it anyway. “You may hate that, Babe, but you’re going to love this.”

  Thus the massage began. The lotion warmed as he rubbed it into my skin. I was transported to a wonderful place where I had no business going, but I reminded myself that I couldn’t think about Tony now without spoiling my mood with guilt, so I stuffed the thought down deep. My skin reveled in his stroking and I had relaxed to the point that I almost fell asleep.

  “There. Was that good?”

  With droopy eyes, I rolled on to my back and sighed. “Yeah.”

  Pulling him toward me, I kissed my husband’s mouth, clinging to his lips and lingering, just like he enjoyed. I nearly climaxed from the intensity of his kisses alone. Maple sugar candies weren’t as sweet as my James when he stirred my heart and offered deep kisses by candlelight.

  My heart soared as my husband pulled me deeper into the rhythm of his love. Tears filled my eyes and spilled over in gratitude as James filled me with himself and with his passion. At last, a night where our hearts bonded in the way only couples who knew true marital love could experience.

  And then it was over. That quick.

  James cursed and rolled away from me. He groaned, sounding more frustrated than angry. “I’m sorry, Hope. I didn’t mean to come so…so fast.”