Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1)

by Michelle Sutton

  Well, it was really my fault, all of this pain resulting from my sin. But still…

  Opening my mouth, I blurted out, “I’ve been having an affair.”

  Angela’s eyes filled with tears. “I thought it might be that.”

  I peered at her with wonder, my mouth hanging open. How’d she guess? Before I had a chance to ask, she told me.

  “With the little bit you’d disclosed about James’s neglect of you in that area of your marriage, I suspected someone as physically attractive as you are would have no problem getting your needs met in other ways.” She squeezed my hands. “Doesn’t James realize the position he’s put you in?”

  Good question. I was pretty sure he didn’t have a clue. “I doubt it.”

  “Have you tried to tell him about your struggle in this area?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I even told him that every guy in town was starting to look good to me. But he didn’t take me seriously, obviously.”

  “Wow. What did he say when you told him that?”

  I closed my eyes. The pain of his words still hurt, and until that moment, I hadn’t realized it. “He said he would have sex with me, but only because the Bible said not to neglect your spouse in that way.”

  “You’re joking! He said that?” Her mouth gaped.

  “Yeah. And when he tried to make love to me that night, it didn’t work. He ended up leaving me hot and frustrated. He quit without making sure I was satisfied, you know? And then the worst part is he’s been blaming me—saying that I expect too much from him. But I don’t get it. What’s wrong with wanting to make love every night?”

  Angela smirked. “Most men would love to have that problem. Lucky James!”

  “He acts like it’s a burden. A chore. You know how that makes me feel?” My throat tightened as I fought more tears. I was getting so tired of crying all the time.

  “That’s not right for him to act that way toward you. Is he getting his needs met…elsewhere? Maybe?” Angela was obviously trying to make sense out of something that made no sense to me. I admired her for that.

  I shrugged. “He said he wasn’t. I don’t have any reason not to believe him. His body isn’t working right. So unless it really is just me, he has a major problem with ED. I even checked the Internet after seeing a commercial for Viagra. It’s possible that could be the cause. I just don’t know.”

  “Well that’s easy to fix, right?” Her eyes looked so hopeful.

  “If you want help. James doesn’t want to let anyone know. Not even a doctor. When I brought up Viagra, he got so angry that I haven’t mentioned it since. So unless he tells someone who can actually help him, I guess I’m stuck with things the way they are.” I covered my face with my hands and hunched over my knees.

  I couldn’t imagine having no more sex until one of us died. It wasn’t right. Not when James could fix it. If only he cared more about my needs than protecting his own ego. But I didn’t see any hope in sight. Nothing to encourage me to keep trying. Everything seemed hopeless.

  When we finished talking, I hugged Angela tight, and then walked to my SUV. What would I do without such a great friend? I was so glad that someone besides my long-distance friend knew about the drama unfolding in my life. Not that it fixed things, but at least I didn’t carry the burden alone anymore, and for that I was thankful.

  Several minutes into my drive back home, my cell phone rang. Tony!

  Though I knew I shouldn’t answer the call, I did.

  God help me, I did.

  Chapter 12

  Is me, Tony.”

  I nearly wept with relief as I heard his heavily accented English.

  “Hey.” My voice sounded rough, scratchy.

  “Where you now?” His voice sounded tense.

  I grasped the phone tighter. “Driving home from a friend’s house. You?”

  “I run to store for work and to get groceries. I thought maybe I see you if you can meet. Can you do this?" His voice sounded eager.

  Who was I to disappoint him? “Sure. Where?”

  “Same place as before behind warehouse. Is okay?”

  “I’ll be there in five minutes.” My heart pounded with anticipation as I detoured toward the abandoned warehouse. Any chance I’d get to see him I’d take.

  Tony leaned against his truck. I could see his white teeth as he smiled and leaned against the door. Slamming my SUV into park, I sucked in a deep breath and cut the engine. My body filled with tension, every nerve aware of his presence as I stepped toward him with anticipation.

  Rather than diving on my mouth when I entered his personal space, Tony reached for my hand. “I am so glad you come see me again. Thank you.”

  He was thanking me? Things must be worse for him at home than I’d thought.

  I peered into his eyes and the affection I saw as I took in his face made my heart pitter patter. Why couldn’t James look at me the same way? I closed my eyes for a moment and wished with everything I had in me that my relationship with Tony wouldn’t have to end.

  I sensed him moving closer before I felt his warm lips cover mine. Tony knew how to kiss me in such a way that my legs grew weak until everything in me wanted to feel him inside me. And all of that from a simple, heady, soft, warm, luscious kiss.

  He ran his tongue across my lips, tracing them slowly before entering my mouth again. He stroked my tongue with his and drank from my mouth like my kisses were a rich wine and he wanted to taste every drop he could receive.

  Though the air had gotten a bit chilly outside, my skin heated at his touch. But I didn’t notice anything except the passion he evoked in me. Nothing else mattered but Tony and his warm skin, his spicy scent, and his manliness as he pressed against me.

  “Ah, you always smell so good, like sweets.” He nipped at my earlobe and resumed caressing my lips with such abandon I moaned out loud.

  I had no idea kissing could be such a turn-on. Sure, we’d kissed a lot, and my experience with Tony had taken my breath away each and every time, but tonight his kisses exuded a passion that went beyond anything I’d ever known before. My desire grew so hot I swear I melted inside.

  A groan escaped my lips and I reached for the snap on his pants. “Please.”

  He smiled and whispered, “all right,” into my ear as he allowed me to lead him to the back of his truck. I didn’t even worry about Tony having protection. He always carried it with him, “just in case.” And for that, I was thankful.

  It was so dark that Tony had trouble opening the cab of his truck. Once he slid inside and we situated ourselves amongst the comforters, the frenzied lovemaking began.

  I actually cried out when he released me from the intense, yet delightful ache welling within me—when I’d reached such heights I thought I’d go mad from the excitement of it—mere moments before the fireworks began. His intense groan quickly followed.

  Maybe my body wept at the culmination of our intimate dance because I knew this might be our last encounter…forever. Whatever the reason, I could sense Tony’s pride at having brought me to such a heated place, and the desperation of his kisses as I slowly returned to the present realm.

  Neither of us cared that we lay in the back of his truck like two teenagers sneaking behind their parents’ backs to spend time together. I’m sure the fact that it was forbidden made it seem that much sweeter. I just didn’t see how I’d ever regret that moment when I felt our hearts connecting as our bodies writhed in ecstasy in the dark. Something that felt so right couldn’t be wrong. Or could it?

  I knew the answer, but I didn’t want to think about it. Not now as I lay next to my lover, panting, my body still throbbing from our forbidden encounter. I had no shame at that moment, just a deep sense of satisfaction…until his cell phone trilled.

  He dug frantically until he found his pants pocket. “This is Tony.”

  “Where are you?” I heard the sharp sound of a woman’s voice.

  “I go to store for food for guys at house.” He rubbed his forehead, his
eyes wide from anxiety, no doubt. “Why you ask?”

  “I called over there and they said you left a half hour ago, so I went to the store looking for you and you’re not here. I needed you to get me some baby Tylenol. The people here said they haven’t seen you. So where are you? Huh?”

  “I must fix tire. I stop at side of road and am just now finish. I see you in five minutes, okay?” He closed his eyes, his breathing still a bit ragged.

  “Well, make it fast. I don’t have all night! And the baby is fussy.” I heard a click.

  He snapped his phone shut and sighed with relief. “That was close call.”

  Too close.

  I watched as he tugged on his jeans, then realized I should be getting dressed as well. If I didn’t want Tony found out, I needed to help him any way I could.

  After giving him a brief kiss, I slid from the back of the truck. Tony called over his shoulder, “I call you later.” Seconds later, he drove off.

  I watched him peeling down the road and fluffed my hair. It occurred to me that in some ways I was no better than a prostitute, though I doubt they enjoyed what they did in the dark, while I dreamt about my encounters. Still, he went home to his wife, leaving me staring down the road as he drove off.

  With a sigh, I climbed into my SUV. My phone rang. “Hello?”

  “Hey, hon, can you get a six pack from the store on your way home?”

  “I passed the store about a mile back.” That was true.

  “So backtrack a little. It’s the least you could do for taking off on me like that.”

  “Taking off on you? I said where I was going and you barely grunted at me.”

  “Come on, just get me a six pack. Please.” His tone bordered on begging.

  “All right. Give me a few extra minutes.” I snapped my phone shut and smiled.

  While I hated to run into Tony so soon after our intense encounter, I was kind of curious as to what his family looked like, and I had a legitimate reason for going to the store. Maybe I’d bump into them and introduce myself. Or I could just spy on them from a distance. Either way, I wanted to see Tony’s wife and son. So I hurried, hoping to catch them before they checked out.

  Finding them had been easier than I’d thought. I saw Tony’s truck in the parking lot and pulled into a spot a few slots down. Grabbing my purse, I pulled it on and marched toward the store. I was on a mission to get my husband a six pack and no one was going to stop me on the way.

  I slipped into the local grocery store and searched for an empty aisle. I saw Tony and his wife over in the baby food aisle inspecting the shelves, probably looking for medicine or diapers. I tried to angle my body so I could see them but they couldn’t see me.

  Tony’s wife wore sweats and a thick jacket, but from what I could tell from my spot in the aisle she was more than a little overweight. She stood a lot shorter than he; her face round and her bosom protruding. Their baby started wailing and she passed their son to Tony. He nuzzled his son and cooed to him until the baby calmed down. My heart warmed at the sight. He must be a great father.

  Tony’s wife smiled and laid her head on his chest. Tony kissed the top of her head as she slid her hand into his back pocket and squeezed. A surge of jealousy shot through me. How dare she grab him like that!

  Then I remembered who Tony belonged to and that she had every right to caress her own husband. Shame swept over me the more I thought about what I represented and what I did behind her back. When he’d talked about her as “my wife” I never thought of her as an actual person with feelings and needs like mine.

  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I turned and bolted toward the beer cooler. I grabbed a six pack of my husband’s favorite brand and with my head down, I strolled toward the checkout line at a pretty speedy pace, hoping to get out of the store before Tony saw me.

  No such luck. As the clerk handed me my change, Tony turned the corner with his wife. I saw him stiffen at the sight of me, then his gaze darted away.

  Some of my change hit the floor, but rather then stopping to pick up the errant coins, I sprinted out of the store as fast as my legs would carry me. Tossing my purse and the six pack onto the passenger seat, I started my engine, watching Tony and his wife through the front window of the store. I could tell Tony struggled not to look in my direction.

  His face had darkened to a deep shade of red, and I knew he must be worrying that I’d say something. But he had nothing to worry about. After hearing all of the stories he’d told me about some of the crazy things his wife had done over the past two years, there was no way I’d set off that explosion. At least, not intentionally.

  I had no idea how bad it would be.

  None at all.

  Or I would never have spoken to him again.

  But he called me the next day and we talked about our close call the night before. And like the sex-crazed lovers we were, we agreed to meet again, getting bolder and more stupid with each encounter. We decided we’d meet one last time when his wife went to Rochester for the day.

  Don’t get me wrong, we knew we were playing with fire, but that’s what people do when they are in too deep. They make dumb decisions and take chances. And we were both sinking fast. It was just a matter of time, and everything would come out, or worse, blow up like the ticking time bomb it was. I sensed pending disaster even then, but that didn’t stop us from taking further chances and testing fate.

  Sure, all good things come to an end, but we didn’t want our contact to end. Neither of us did. Maybe seeing each other “just one more time” helped him to cope, but it just made me crazier with grief. And my heart ached with the pain of imminent loss.

  So when I saw him the next day I promised myself it really would be the last time we’d see each other. He would be moving next week and my heart needed to cool down and come to grips with the fact that he was moving and I’d never see him again. It was for the best. At least that’s what I told myself.

  I knew the affair couldn’t continue from the very beginning, but similar to the intense longing the illicit couple in the movie “The English Patient” had for each other, my passion for him drove me to the brink of losing my mind, until I swore I couldn’t take another minute of the internal conflict without completely snapping. I just hoped our ending wouldn't be as tragic as the movie.

  So I stood before Tony, longing for him, yet knowing this would be the end of our contact forever…beginning today. I didn’t care what he said, I needed to say goodbye for my own sanity, and I refused to let him talk me out of it.

  “Hope, I am so glad you come see me again.” He grazed my cheek with his knuckles.

  Closing my eyes, I burned the memory of his voice and his tender touch into my mind. I’d never hear his voice again, not after today. So I collapsed into his embrace.

  He moved me toward his couch. For old time’s sake, I did what I knew he loved best and I straddled him. As we made love for the very last time, I thought about my James and how I longed for him to love me physically like Tony did. But I knew it wasn’t going to happen, and that thought made tears slip from my eyes. I grieved while enjoying the crashing wave of pleasure as I reached a crest. My tears of ecstasy mingled with shards of pain when I realized I would never make love again.

  Tony writhed under me and shuddered when he reached his peak. He held me so tight I couldn’t breathe as he kissed my neck and shoulders until he started to relax. My eyes leaked tears as I held him and rested my head in the crook of his neck.

  He paused and nudged me. “You are crying?”

  I lifted my head and peered into his eyes. “I’m sorry. I just never expected my heart to get so involved, you know?”

  I could swear Tony’s eyes glistened. He blinked several times before he sighed and looked away for a moment, probably to collect himself. His warm lips kissed my forehead, lingering for several seconds.

  He heaved another deep sigh and then chuckled, “I used to worry my wife come home and find me like this with you. I think, wha
t could I say? It would be obvious what I do with you. Sometimes I wish she find me like this so I can tell her truth about us, about my desire for you. But I cannot, because then I would lose my son. It hurts me to think of losing my boy. I love my baby. I am his father. But I do not feel attraction for my wife anymore, and this is hard for me. She always find things wrong with me. Whenever I approach her for sex, she says she is tired or have headache.”

  “I know what you mean. I do. My husband is the same way. I wish he were more like you.” I swiped the stray tears from my eyes, but more followed.

  The pads of his thumbs caressed my face as he brushed more tears away. “I am so glad I meet you, Bella Speranza. You make me so happy.”

  His lips touched mine, and he kissed me slowly, his lips gently parting.

  I trembled as he released my mouth. Though we’d both reached a physical and emotional crest, I felt need building within me again. Oh, the sweet ache of longing. “I’ll miss you, Tony. So much.”

  He swallowed hard, and I could tell he fought tears as well. “This must be our last time we meet.” His voice grew hoarse. “And I am sad, but it must be this way.”

  “I know.” How could I not agree with him? I didn’t want him to lose his son. So I eased off of his lap and began getting dressed.

  When I was ready to go, I tucked a section of my hair behind my ear and stood.

  Tony moved next to me searched me with his eyes. His dark, gorgeous eyes that were heavy with desire. His hand reached for my face and he caressed my cheek before slipping his fingers into my hair. “You are beautiful, passionate woman, and I feel like I lose my best friend. I will always think of you.”

  “I…I love you, Tony.” I swallowed hard. I’d actually said it. Terrifying as it was, I got the words out. I knew he wouldn’t say he loved me back, but his eyes told me what his lips did not. Eyes don’t lie, and the emotion lurking in them confirmed my suspicions.

  He grabbed me and pulled me against him. “Don’t make this harder for me, Hope.”

  I wanted to scream in his face, “Of course, it’s hard for me, too! It wasn’t supposed to be this way, to end this way. My heart wasn’t supposed to get involved!”