Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1)

by Michelle Sutton

  With a smirk, I reassured him as I ruffled his hair. “Your secret is safe with me.”

  *****

  I had trouble focusing on the pastor’s sermon because Jimmy kept cuddling up against me, then looking at me and smiling. Obviously he was in the same predicament. I checked my watch. Ten more minutes and we’d be on our way to the park.

  The final song pulled me from my inward thoughts. Would I really rather have Jesus than anything? Man, that question hit me hard. By song’s end my cheeks were soaked, but my heart felt cleansed. Yes, I could agree with that song, even if it meant all I’d have for the rest of my days was my son and the Lord.

  While I hoped things would patch up between us, I no longer banked my future happiness on whether or not my husband and I got back together. My husband complemented me in so many ways, but he didn’t make me whole. Only God could truly complete me as a person.

  Many of my friends caught me and hugged me as I headed for the parking lot, but no one said a word. They must’ve known whatever had touched my heart was a private matter between me and God and asking about it would just send me into another torrential rain of tears. Thankfully they had mercy on me.

  I sensed James’s presence before I saw him. Don’t ask how that happened because I can’t explain it myself. I just know my heartbeat quickened as I parked my SUV.

  James stood under a tree, leaning one thick arm against the trunk, and looking incredibly handsome like that actor Matthew McConaughey…but with slightly darker hair and much less of it. The tense expression on his face suggested he was about as nervous as I was about our meeting. But his countenance lit with joy when Jimmy leaped from our vehicle and ran toward him at top speed, throwing himself into his father’s arms.

  Opening the door of my SUV, I inhaled a tremulous breath of the crisp, fall air and willed myself to remain calm. Slow, deep breaths. Inhale, exhale. Slowly. That’s right. Keep it going. I stuffed the keys into my back pocket and clutched my hands together to keep them from shaking.

  What should I say to him? I hadn’t a clue. Speak through me, Lord.

  My throat tightened when James glanced up at me. He bent down and whispered something in Jimmy’s ear, then swatted our son playfully on the bottom when Jimmy looked at me and chuckled. Wearing a huge grin, he turned and sprinted toward the playground.

  James straightened to his full height and offered me a nervous smile.

  “Hope.” He nodded and his gaze embraced me from a distance. So warm, tender.

  It freaked me out.

  Turning my face away, I covered my face with my hands and sobbed as I leaned against my vehicle, praying it would hold me up. I couldn’t face him. As badly as I’d hurt him, I just couldn’t face him. Maybe I wasn’t ready yet. Maybe I’d presumed too much.

  Leaves crunched and I sensed my husband’s approach.

  Large hands covered mine, and he gently removed my hands from my face. The spicy, masculine scent of my husband wreaked havoc on my senses and weakened my knees. I turned my face away, fighting against the pull of his gaze.

  I didn’t deserve his love and I knew it. Everything within me screamed with intense hurt as I let out the suppressed pain through a storm of emotion. A foreign sound, like a guttural wail, emitted from my lips, and I shook from head to toe.

  “Shh….” James pulled me against him and held me close. My stiff body collapsed, and I fell against him, sobbing harder the longer he held me. I have no idea how long we stood like that, but when I felt like I finally had no more grief to release, I peered up at my husband. My wary eyes searched his. Did he still love me after all I’d done?

  Pain radiated from his gorgeous blue eyes, but I sensed love pouring from them as well, and not condemnation. I didn’t know what the Lord had done to change my husband’s heart toward me, but gratitude washed over me as I gazed back, strengthening internally with every moment that passed. I finally managed a quiet response. “Hi.”

  “Hope, I…” James cleared his throat and looked away for a moment. I saw the shimmer in his eyes as he blinked rapidly and shoved his hands into his back pockets. “I need to apologize for what I said to you…”

  Tears welled in my eyes again, though I thought I’d had none left. “I forgive you, James, I do.”

  “Oh, thank God,” he exhaled and pulled me against him once again. Kissing my hair, he continued. “I thought I’d lost you, Babe. I’m sorry I ignored you for so long…that I set you up to find someone else.” His voice cracked.

  I waited for him to continue, but he became quiet, pensive almost.

  Nuzzling into his chest for several more moments, I realized how his scent comforted me. How much I’d missed him, missed us. I had never wanted to stray. Never.

  “I know, Hope. The Lord showed me that in a dream.”

  Had I spoken out loud my private thoughts? Or did he just know my heart? After thirteen years of marriage, he knew more about me than anyone else in this life. He knew my intimate pleasures, the way I liked my coffee, my heart for God. No one knew me better than James.

  Sucking in a deep breath, I gently pushed away from him. “James, we need to talk. I miss you, I really do, but I’m worried that if we get back together right now we’ll be setting ourselves up for failure. Know what I mean?”

  His troubled gaze made me wonder if I’d spoken out of fear. But then he nodded. “The Lord showed me the same thing. I didn’t want to hear it, but you’re right.”

  He captured my gaze and said huskily, “I want you back, Hope. I want us back. No more drinking, no more skipping church, no more ignoring your…” he cleared his throat, “ignoring your needs.”

  My heart skipped a beat as I took in the intensity pouring from his deep blue eyes. I wanted to break free from fear, to trust him, and to swim in their depths. It was like I could see James’s heart, and I just knew that he meant what he’d said.

  And I wanted so much to believe him. To have him back. But not yet. Still, I needed to let him know that I’d never meant to hurt him, to stray. I opened my mouth, then closed it again.

  “What is it, Hope?” His warm expression helped me to release my thoughts.

  “I never wanted someone else. I just wanted you…” Crumpling into tears again, I pressed my forehead against his neck. “I just wanted you.”

  He inhaled deeply and let it out. “I know. I’m sorry I didn’t listen.”

  Tipping my face up, I invited a reassuring kiss, but James didn’t offer one.

  “Thanks for coming to meet me here. I’m not hungry now, but I can still get you guys something to eat if you’d like.”

  I shook my head to eradicate my disappointment, though unsuccessfully. Then again, what did I expect? I’d slept with another man—multiple times. It would take some time for my husband to learn to trust me again. But I could tell from the look in his eyes that he no longer hated me for what I’d done. Maybe there was hope for us.

  “Let’s ask Jimmy and just do whatever he suggests. Okay?” I pulled my mouth into a grin and tried to look cheerful to reassure both James and our son that I’d be all right.

  James waved at Jimmy and gestured for him to join us.

  Our son walked briskly toward us, smiling wide. I wondered what he thought about us. If he expected his dad to move back in right away. How would I break it to him that things just don’t happen that way?

  When Jimmy stepped toward us, James placed his arm around my waist and stood next to me. Facing our child, James spoke first. “Thanks for giving us some time alone, Son.”

  “Sure.” Jimmy glanced at my face, then back at his father, then at my face again as he settled there. His smile fell. “You aren’t coming home, are you Dad?”

  James cleared his throat and I could swear his voice sounded a bit thick. “Not yet, Son. We need to give it some time. Can you help us by letting God work things out between your mom and I, and by not pushing us?”

  Our son nodded, albeit warily.

  I reached for Jimmy’s hand
and held it. “We’re going to take things slow so it works out this time. Please pray for us.”

  Jimmy swallowed hard and blinked several times. “Can I still see you, Dad?”

  “Sure. In fact, I thought maybe I’d come take you four-wheeling with me next weekend. Sound good?”

  With a heavy sigh, Jimmy answered. “Yeah. That’d be great, Dad.”

  James stepped away from me and paused. “Still want lunch?”

  “Nah.” Jimmy shook his head and looked away.

  I shrugged. “Guess none of us are hungry after all.”

  Peering at me with concern, James touched my chin. “So, I’ll call you later?”

  Staring up at him, I nodded.

  My husband tipped my chin up and gave me a quick peck on the forehead, then grabbed Jimmy for a brief hug. Without another word, he marched toward his car, head down, and climbed inside.

  Jimmy and I watched as James pulled out of the parking lot and drove toward the road. I couldn’t help marveling at the wonder of our exchange, until fear squeezed my throat, choking me. What if love wasn’t enough this time around? Would I be strong enough to commit myself to our marriage if James could no longer make love to me?

  Not sure I wanted to search that deep inside, I shrugged off the thought.

  “Come on, let’s go.” I nodded toward the SUV, humbled by my own doubts, yet longing for something to cling to. Something to believe in.

  I’m here, Daughter, came that still, small voice. I’ve always been here.

  Chapter 27

  Jimmy remained quiet the entire drive home. I wondered what he was thinking. Was he hating me for splitting up his family? His dad for not coming home? Or was he just scared none of this would work out and he’d have to visit his father until he went to college? I wanted to ask him, but couldn’t get up enough nerve.

  So I prayed. I prayed until I ran out of things to pray for. Then I listened. I sensed in my spirit that my son was angry with me but wasn’t sure he wanted to confront me. Whether it was God showing me or my motherly intuition, I didn’t know. But I had to find out if my instincts were correct. So when we arrived home and walked inside I touched Jimmy’s shoulder. “Want to play a game?”

  He shrugged.

  “Okay, then. So what would you like to play? Scrabble?”

  Jimmy shrugged again. I noticed he avoided eye contact with me so I tried a different approach. “How about I make us some hot cocoa first? Would you like that?”

  Another shrug. Our conversation refused to budge toward something meaningful. So I decided to help it along. “You’re mad at me aren’t you, Jimmy? You’re mad but you’re afraid to tell me that.”

  He glanced up, his eyes wide. Another shrug. His gaze darted around and he shifted his feet, hands stuffed in his pockets, his chin trembling. I sensed he would soon crack if I continued to prod him, but maybe that would be better than stuffing it down.

  “I know you’re mad, Son. I’m mad at me, too. It’s okay to admit that…that I’ve failed you as a mom, that my sin has torn apart your family. It’s okay for you to tell me how you feel. I can handle that. I refuse to run from the truth about what I did, or from the consequences. They’re mine to face.”

  Jimmy’s gaze connected with mine, and he opened his mouth, then closed it again before he spoke. Another shrug.

  “How about if I talk for you? Would that help?” I touched Jimmy’s chin.

  He peered up at me, looking very much like a young man, and yet he also resembled my little boy. The one who’d had to grow up too fast, through no fault of his own.

  “I guess.” His voice was so quiet, so scratchy, that I almost missed what he’d said.

  I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath. What would I think about me if I were him? How would I feel? “You wish you could tell me how you really feel. That you wished I had loved your dad more. That I had been thinking about you more than about what I wanted. That I still love you, but you worry that I love the other man more. That I love him still. You wonder if I’ll do that again. If I even want to be with your father. Am I close?” I peered at him with tear-filled eyes.

  He slowly nodded. After a quick inhale, he let out a long breath and said in a rush of words, “Why-did-you-do-that-mom-I-thought-you-loved-Jesus-more-than-anything. I thought you loved me. Would you have left us, Mom? Was he that important to you?”

  I paused before answering. My gut instinct was to tell him the truth even if it might hurt him. “In some ways, yes. I did think about being with him and leaving your dad, but I knew that wasn’t what God wanted or ultimately what I wanted. And yes, I did think about you and your dad and how much I love you both.”

  Sucking in a deep breath, I exhaled slowly and continued, my palms rubbing at my wet cheeks as I spoke. “I just never thought about how much my behavior would hurt you. I’m sorry for that, Jimmy. I do love you and I always will…”

  My voice broke as I enveloped him in my arms, the last of my restraint ebbing away as I held my child. Jimmy sagged against me and began to wail in such a pitiful manner that it ripped at my chest. I joined him and we keened like two souls at the funeral of a lost loved one. But we weren’t lost. We had the Lord and we had each other.

  Finally after minutes of moaning against my chest, Jimmy relaxed and whispered, “I love you, Mom. Please don’t do anything like that ever again. Please…”

  Hunching over slightly, I kissed the top of Jimmy’s head. “While I can’t promise you that I’ll never sin, I can promise that I’ll do everything in my power to make sure things never get so bad that I want to stray. I promise you that, Jimmy. I promise you…”

  A satisfied-sounding sigh emitted from his lips. “Thanks, Mom. I’ll do my best to pray for you every day. And Dad, too.”

  What more could a mother ask for than a son who prayed for her every day. Could she do any less? “I’ll do the same, Jimmy. Before I get ready for the day, I’ll lift you and your father up in prayer. I promise.” Lord, help me to keep that promise.

  *****

  Shortly after nine that night, when Jimmy was asleep, the phone rang. Without thinking to check the caller ID first, I picked it up. “Hello?”

  “Thanks to you my life is ruined. And now I’m stressed! We can’t sell our house and Tony’s job in Michigan fell through. We have to go live with my parents. Well, my son and I will, anyway. I don’t know what Tony will do with his life and I don’t care either. I hope your life sucks as much as mine does!”

  Caught off guard by such a direct verbal assault, I hesitated. Part of me wanted to hang up and part of me wanted to make amends. “I’ll pray for you….that you can sell your house. I’m sorry I hurt you and hurt your family.”

  “Pray for me? I think you should burn in hell for what you did! Your life should be destroyed more than mine! I did nothing wrong.”

  Opening my mouth to respond, I snapped it shut when she cursed at me.

  Her pitch increased with her volume as she shrieked, “You stole my husband. You deserve to feel worse than I do. I hope your husband divorces you! I hope everyone in this town finds out what you really are and they hold it against you. In fact, I’ve already told everyone I know and they were shocked. But I told them to not be. I told them you’re devious and evil and to keep their husbands away from you!”

  While she laced her hostile ranting with poisonous intent, I sensed her desperation and pain more in what she didn’t say. Compassion filled my chest, though my limbs still trembled from the stress of knowing she hated me so much and had told so many people what I’d done. But she was right. She’d been innocent.

  James had also.

  Technically my husband had refused to make love to me, but the choice to stray had been mine. In that respect he’d been innocent. He’d had no clue that I would turn to another for sex. Neither had I.

  And though I knew I didn’t deserve forgiveness, God’s grace was greater than all my sin. “I know you don’t believe me, but I will be praying for you.�
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  “I don’t want your prayers. Besides, what good would that do? God can’t be listening to you. Not when you screwed my husband over and over again. Isn’t that breaking one of the Ten Commandments? Isn’t that something that sends you straight to hell?”

  “Yes, it’s one of the Ten Commandments, but He came to forgive all sins, yours and mine, past and present. I’ve repented and turned from my sin. I can’t fix what’s already done, but I can start over. Start fresh. I’m no longer condemned for what I did.”

  “That’s a bunch of crap. God can’t forgive you. Not after what you did. That’s impossible.” Her voice shook as her rage now turned to sorrow. I sensed she barely held back tears.

  “But He can, and He did. I was tempted to believe that at first, too, but then I read the Scripture about the women caught in adultery. He said He didn’t condemn her. He told her to go and sin no more. That’s all I can do…is to be faithful now. To tell the truth. I repented, and while I have to live with the consequences, I’m learning to forgive myself. I know you don’t understand—”

  “Darned straight I don’t. I can’t believe I even called you. You can just burn in hell!”

  Click.

  She’d disconnected the call before I had a chance to help her see that I meant what I’d said. Hanging my head in shame, I sensed the guilt returning. And I’d thought it was gone for good. It was like a tiny demon had whispered in my ear, “She’s right. You’re deluded if you think God will forgive you when you knew what you were doing was wrong and you did it anyway. The women caught in adultery wasn’t a Christian. But you were. You were. You were.”

  “Stop it!” I yelled into the darkness, my chest heaving. I returned the phone to its cradle and flopped on the bed. Just when I thought I’d resolved an inner conflict another one popped to the surface. I hated that I couldn’t get past what I’d done, or when I thought I had, the enemy came back and smeared my sin in my face.