Vampires Drink Tomato Juice

by K. M. Shea

  “See, this is why you need to take me to a zoo. I’ll understand what you mean, and then I’ll be outraged too,” Madeline said.

  “Should we start our tour on the left? I believe most of the class is starting with the rooms on the right, so it is more spacious over here,” Asahi indicated.

  “Sounds good. Come on,” Frey said, leading the way as usual.

  I growled in the back of my throat but followed my friends over to the first exhibit/patient’s room.

  Asahi dutifully unrolled his pamphlet and glanced at the room number before finding its corresponding explanation. “This patient was hiking and accidentally stumbled on a dragon clutch. The parents dropped him off a cliff, and he received a lot of injuries as a result.”

  I stared through the window at the guy, who was practically clothed in a body cast. “Um, yeah. More like he shattered every breakable bone.”

  “Doctors expect to be able to release him in two months. They will remove his memories of the ward and instead use suggestive hypnosis to make him believe he was hit by a car and has been in a coma,” Asahi continued, unperturbed with my grumbling.

  “Poor guy,” I sympathized.

  “At least he’s going to be released. Some patients are here permanently,” Madeline pointed out as we strolled up to the next room.

  “Hmm, I don’t see anyone. They must be in their bedroom,” Madeline said, peering through the glass.

  “No, there’s someone there. See? They’ve got that blanket thrown over their head,” Frey said, pointing out a mass of blankets that were precariously perched on a couch.

  “What happened to him?” Dave asked, scratching the bald part of his head.

  “Oh, hobgoblin attack on Halloween,” Frey winced, reading the pamphlet over my shoulder. “No wonder he’s hiding like that.”

  “Ouch,” Madeline winced.

  Asahi looked very mournful.

  “Hobgoblin attack?” I asked, staring at the shivering blankets.

  “Hobgoblins are usually quite pleasant workers. They’re very responsible and respectful. But on Halloween, they have the tendency to…party,” Asahi explained. “They celebrate Halloween much the same way humans in their 20s celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day,” Asahi said, smiling at me. He was very proud he could make the comparison.

  “So, they went to a bar?” I ventured.

  “Yes. And after they were completely inebriated, they stumbled outside and dropped their glamour. That guy proceeded to mock them for being little and green. They retaliated,” Frey said, still reading over my shoulder.

  “Do you want this?” I frowned, offering him the pamphlet.

  “Oh no. It’s much more fun to annoy you like this,” Frey said before Madeline firmly wedged herself between the werewolf and me.

  “So, he’s frightened because the hobgoblins scared him?” Madeline asked, pointing at the blankets.

  “Yes,” Asahi said, his gold eyes trained on his copy of the pamphlet. “They hope they will be able to rehabilitate him with humanity, but for now they have to wait for his mind to settle down. To adjust his memories when he’s in this state would be very risky.”

  “Poor chap,” Dave said.

  “Come on, next room,” Frey urged.

  This room was occupied by a teenage guy. He was sitting on the couch, watching TV. He didn’t appear to care that we gaped at him like he was a chimp.

  “I thought I was a rarity, being a teenager that knows about the MBRC and everything,” I complained, blinking at the guy—who was pretty boring compared to the previous two rooms.

  “Oh, you are,” Frey assured me.

  “This patient is a permanent resident of the Cuckoo Ward, and he doesn’t know about the MBRC. He has sustained mental delusions and damages that our doctors cannot fix or remove,” Asahi read.

  “Really? What kind of delusions?” I asked, glancing down at my pamphlet as well.

  When I looked up again, the patient-guy was no longer watching TV and was staring at us. He abruptly stood and walked towards the door to the chamber we were standing in, confirming my suspicions that doors with green lights above them were unlocked.

  “You,” the patient said, scurrying through the door. He hurried towards us and skid to a stop directly in front of me. “You’re like me, aren’t you,” he asked, smiling at me.

  “Ummm,” I said, glancing sideways at Frey and Asahi—hoping they would help me.

  “Maybe you’re not,” the teenager said, narrowing his eyes while staring at me. “I am very special. Perhaps you can hear them?”

  “How touching. He’s reaching out to you, Morgan,” Dave clucked somewhere behind me.

  “Either that or he’s hitting on her,” Frey snorted.

  I shot Frey a dirty glare, which made the patient yelp. “You can hear them. That’s great!”

  “What are you talking about?” I carefully asked, reminding myself this guy wasn’t mentally stable.

  The boy leaned forward and whispered, “I see dead people.”

  I froze for a moment. Was he serious?

  “The unhappy ghosts are pale like death and are very cold,” he continued, motioning at Madeline and Frey. “The brighter ones, well, they’re friendly,” he added, nodding towards Asahi.

  “Wow,” I said, more to my friends than the teenage patient. “How did this happen? I didn’t think the MBRC had ghosts,” I said, flipping through my pamphlet.

  Frey plucked it out of my hands and flipped it to the right page. “We don’t. Don’t be ridiculous, Morgan. Everyone knows there’s no such thing as ghosts.”

  “Apparently a group of fairies plagued him for months, dropping their glamour in front of him and scaring him at night. No one knew about it, so by the time someone from the MBRC found him, he was convinced he has the ability to interact with ghosts. So far doctors have been unable to convince him otherwise,” Asahi read.

  “So that’s what Esmeralda meant when she scolded the fairies,” I said, recalling the very conversation that got me roped into this fieldtrip.

  “Hey, I’m ready to communicate with you now!” the patient said, interrupting us all.

  I narrowed my eyes. “He probably watched The Sixth Sense too many times as a kid.”

  “Now, now, Morgan. Be nice to the human!” Dave lectured.

  “Come on. If we move on maybe he’ll leave you alone,” Madeline suggested.

  He didn’t.

  He followed us halfway around our loop, whining to me about happy ghosts, angry ghosts, annoying ghosts, doctor ghosts—it sort of reminded me of a Dr. Seuss book. I did feel more sympathy with him the longer he stayed with us. He latched onto my group and ignored pretty much everyone except me. He was obviously able to identify me as a human. Plus, it wasn’t like he asked for this.

  My patience did take a chip in it, though, when we picked up our next patient. Everyone—with the exception of ghost boy, he was still rattling my ear off—was standing in front of a room that housed a human girl who had been cursed by a vengeful fairy godmother so her head was backwards on her body. It was pretty creepy to see, so when someone said “Hey” and put a hand on my shoulder, I yipped and jumped in the air.

  I spun around and stared at a human girl who was holding what appeared to be a series of large, cardboard cutouts under one arm. In her other hand, she toted a cardboard cutout of a housecat.

  “Oh, wow, so you really are human! Cool, and you’re with all these guys, so you must not be delusional like him,” the girl said with a scornful toss of her head at ghost boy.

  Ghost boy glared back, but the girl continued, “Man, it’s been ages since I’ve see another lucid teenager. Although, you don’t have a dæmon,” she frowned.

  “…a what?” I asked.

  “A dæmon,” the girl loudly pronounced, as though I were stupid. “You know! An animal form, shape-shifting manifestation of your soul. Mine’s a cat right now,” she said, holding out the cardboard cutout. “It’s too bad you haven’t found yours yet.
That must really suck.”

  “I think I saw a movie based on that. Man, this place makes a good case against human entertainment,” Frey muttered directly behind me.

  “Ignore Hanna. She’s whacked. She can’t figure out that her ‘dæmon’ is cardboard,” Ghost boy said, rolling his eyes.

  Wow, the pot calling the kettle black.

  The girl, Hanna, rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right. Are you still seeing dead people, Markus?” she sneered before turning to me. “He doesn’t get that vampires and fairies exist. I mean yeah, it shocked me, too, but if there are dæmons in the world, why not fairies?”

  “I’m sorry, Hanna, what is your room number?” Frey asked with a charming smile as he started flipping through the pamphlet.

  “Room 114,” she blushed before swapping her house cat picture for a husky.

  “Subliminal messaging,” Madeline whispered to me under her breath.

  “Ah-hah,” Frey said, finding Hanna’s room in the tour pamphlet. “Oh. Well. That explains a lot,” he said, passing me the paper, pointing to Hanna’s patient profile once I held it in my hands.

  “Patient of room 114,” it read, “suffers from delusions of grandeur after being hypnotized by a malicious harpy. Doctors hope they will be able to crack through the hypnosis, but the patient has been in MBRC custody for approximately half a year.”

  “That does explain it,” I said as we started shuffling on to the next room. I knew firsthand how convincing hypnosis was.

  Hanna and Ghost boy/Markus trailed after us, arguing about who was crazier.

  “You whine and complain about ghosts all day, and you call me whacked?” Hanna said.

  “Oh right, like carrying pictures of animals and pretending they’re a manifestation of your soul is normal,” Markus sneered.

  “We should try and get away while we can,” Frey suggested as Dave watched the arguing patients with great interest.

  “Yeah. Madeline, Asahi?” I whispered.

  “Righto, captain,” Madeline saluted.

  “Okay,” Asahi nodded. He very kindly turned and tugged on the sleeve of Dave’s shirt before increasing his pace.

  The rest of us followed his example, leaving the arguing, delusional teenagers in our wake.

  “Weirdo!”

  “Nut job!”

  “Stupid moron!”

  “Space Case!”

  “They are quite a lively pair,” Dave laughed, glancing over his shoulder as the patients fell out of hearing range.

  “That’s one way of describing it,” I muttered, waving to Esmeralda as she and her group sauntered past us, going the other way.

  That was pretty much the end of the peace during the fieldtrip. Soon afterwards, Perseus got in an argument with one of the patients, claiming she wasn’t really human because she didn’t have a cell phone. Plus, one of the patients recognized the Pastels as snobby fairies and launched herself at the pair. (I was one of the ones cheering.) The girl actually managed to tear a sizeable chunk of hair out of the pink/green fairy’s scalp before some nurses ripped her off the fairies.

  After that, the nurse faun “suggested” it would probably be best if we left.

  No one argued.

  15

  I Stupidly Volunteer

  The weekend was a welcome reprieve for me. Compared to the stress of a too-vibrant-for-his-own-good High Elf and his brother, semi-dangerous fieldtrips, and mental hospitals in Panda Expresses, homework and tests were a breath of fresh air.

  Best yet, Sunday afternoon Fran called to see if I wanted to do some (super) early Christmas shopping with her. (She’s a Christmas fanatic. Always wants to get the best gifts for everyone.) I agreed, and we decided to meet up at the closest small strip mall.

  Fran was there before I was—I could see her green bean hat/scarf/gloves combo a mile away. Someone male was with her. When I drew closer, I realized it was none other than Brett Patterson!

  “Hi, Fran! Brett, what are you doing here?” I asked, sweeping onto the scene with a winning smile. (A copy of Asahi’s. Hanging out with the brilliant elf did have its perks.) I knocked shoulders with Fran and winked at her.

  “Hey, Morgan,” Fran wanly smiled at me. “Brett was just going,” she said, making a shooing motion at Brett.

  My long time crush shifted his weight, his eyebrows low against his eyes. His shoulders were slumped, and he had his hands shoved into his pockets. He looked halfway between upset and miserable, the poor guy.

  “You okay, Brett?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” Brett sighed before looking up at Fran and me. “Morgan, I know you—,” he broke off when Fran glared at him.

  And I don’t mean she just narrowed her eyes at him, I mean I have never seen Fran so furious. And that includes the times her brothers ripped the stuffing out of her favorite stuffed animal elephant.

  “Goodbye, Brett,” Fran said. Her teeth clenched so hard I think I heard her jaw crack.

  “Yeah, bye,” Brett said, abruptly turning and leaving.

  “…What was that about?” I asked, rather mournfully watching Brett leave.

  “Nothing,” Fran said before tossing an arm over my shoulder. “You mean a lot to me, Morgan. You know that, right?”

  “Of course,” I chirped. “I am your most important, number one priority, best friend,” I impertinently grinned, expecting to be swatted at.

  “Yes, you are,” Fran heavily agreed.

  I was silent for a few seconds before deciding to break the moment with humor. “Although I’m not sure I believe that anymore. Who would let their best friend sit out here in the cold?” I asked with a fake sob.

  “Hey, you were the one who was late,” Fran lectured as I threw a matching arm across her shoulder, and we turned around to stumble towards the stores with giggles. “Next time, get here on time! Ack! Don’t trip, you’ll take me with!”

  “What do you think of Aysel?” Asahi unexpectedly prompted me late Monday afternoon during his tutoring session.

  I froze. I couldn’t have been more shocked if Asahi told me flea-less Frank had a thing for Esmeralda.

  “Pardon?” I asked.

  “What do you think of Aysel?” Asahi repeated.

  I glanced up at Madeline. Normally, she would sweep in during a situation like this and accuse Asahi of using his elvish powers to manipulate me. Instead, the doll-like vampire was sleeping in an uncomfortable position on a desk in the back corner of the room, her soft snores barely audible.

  “That, Asahi, is a loaded question,” I said.

  “You aren’t instantly attracted to him?” Asahi asked, resting his chin on his hand as he stared down at his notes.

  “What?” I asked, my voice gaining in decibels. “Aysel inspires a lot of things, Asahi, fear and dislike being the foremost. I assure you, attraction isn’t one of them!” I scoffed before realizing I had just deeply insulted my student’s brother. “I mean…he’s very stately and royal,” I lamely amended, but Asahi had already latched onto my previous statement.

  “So, you didn’t instantly like him when you saw him?” he asked, perking up.

  “No!” I enthusiastically assured him.

  “Maybe, then, I could introduce her,” Asahi mumbled, dropping his eyes back to his elegant handwriting.

  “What’s this about, Asahi?” I asked, propping my elbows on the desk I had turned directly in front of his.

  The faintest trace of a blush decorated Asahi’s cheeks, and an adorable, shy smile spread across his lips. “A girl,” he admitted.

  “Ooh!” I said, leaning forward before pushing aside my printed diagrams and photos. Who needs to learn when there are secrets to be told? “Care to share? Is she a High Elf? Is she pretty?”

  “She’s a High Elf,” Asahi admitted. “And I find her to be quite beautiful. She’s very bright. In fact, you remind me a little bit of her.”

  “Hn,” I said.

  “She aims to be the first Human/High Elf Ambassador, which means she wants to be th
e first High Elf from the MBRC to successfully integrate with humans. She’s studying to be a doctor,” Asahi chattered, his light blush growing darker.

  “So, she’s very interested in the nonmagical?” I asked.

  “Yes,” Asahi nodded. “To be honest, she’s what got me interested in humans.

  “Asahi, I am beginning to doubt your scholarly motives,” I teased. “So, what’s the problem?” I asked. After all, this girl—High Elf or not—couldn’t possibly resist Asahi’s charms. She had to be half in love with him after seeing him smile. The only thing that kept me from becoming an Asahi fangirl was my crush on Brett!

  “I want to introduce her to my family,” Asahi shifted.

  “You think they would object to her?” I asked.

  “No,” Asahi said, shaking his head. “My parents know of her. We’ve been friends for many years. It’s my brother I’m worried about.”

  “Ahhh,” I said in absolute understanding. His brother the nag. Of course no one would be good enough for Asahi, not with Aysel hanging over him like a messenger of death.

  “I mean, Aysel can’t help that everyone finds him so attractive. However, I don’t want Kadri to fall for him,” Asahi gloomily said.

  “…wait, what?” I asked, shaking my head.

  “Aysel. Women fall at his feet,” he gloomily said, running a finger across the surface of his desk.

  “….why?” I asked, flabbergasted. Sure, Aysel was handsome beyond what is normally anatomically possible, but he is such a jerk! Who could possibly fall for him?! If anything, I would think it is Asahi who would have problems like that!

  “It’s his charisma. His looks. He can’t help it,” Asahi shrugged. “But I’m afraid Kadri will be just like everyone else,” he confessed.

  I was trying hard to keep the horror out of my face. After all, Asahi was really pouring his heart out here. I needed to be here for him.

  But AYSEL is popular with the females of the MBRC?!