Celina (Connelly Cousins #1)

by Abbie Zanders

  Those words should not be coming out of her sweet mouth. The fact that they had shot shards of ice through his brain. It angered him that he had been the one to bring her to that point. She could have stabbed him in the heart and twisted the blade and it wouldn’t have hurt as much as the quiet accusation in her words.

  Was that what he wanted? Even the thought of another man touching her was enough to drive him insane. So what was the problem? Why couldn’t he just fuck her and get it over with? Bang her into bliss and be done with it?

  His heart already knew the answer. Because once he did, he’d never stop. There’d be no going back. Ever. He’d been fooling himself, thinking he could have her for one night and be satisfied. She’d gotten under his skin, big time.

  Celina was willing to give everything to him, and had asked nothing in return - only that he be the one to share this with her. Considered it a goddamned favor, for chrissakes. Like making love to her could ever be anything like that. And it would be making love. Beautiful, perfect, mind-numbing, utopian fucking paradise. Not sex. Not with Lina. Jamie had been right all along.

  He turned around and forced himself to walk away, refusing to look back. He went straight to the kitchen – the farthest possible distance away he could get without leaving his house. After nearly jerking the refrigerator door from its hinges, he grabbed a beer and popped the top.

  Minutes later, he could feel her eyes on him, silently beseeching him. It took everything he had not to turn around and pretend to be the man she thought he was.

  But she was so wrong. He wasn’t a good guy. And she sure as hell deserved better than him.

  She moved so quietly he didn’t know she’d left until he heard the soft click of the front door closing behind her. No screaming, no tantrums, no door-slamming exits for Lina. Just silence that told him he had crossed the line, done something impossibly cruel to the one person in his life who deserved it the least.

  Kyle threw the can against the wall with enough force to crush it, spraying everything in the vicinity with its contents. He was livid. And so revved up that he briefly considered going after her, dragging her back to his bed, and taking her anyway. It would serve her right. She was asking for it, and damn it, he wanted to be the one to give it to her.

  But he couldn’t do that. Not to Lina. No matter how much he wanted her.

  Kyle clamped his mouth shut so he wouldn’t roar out at the pain slicing through his gut. Did he want her? Hell yes. More than he’d ever wanted a woman in his life. But there were so many strings attached to that woman he’d never get free, and he’d end up hurting them both.

  Shit. Fuck. Damn it all to hell. Kyle could not stop the stream of oaths flooding through his brain. He’d actually heard her heart breaking. It was that shattering sound he heard right after his own heart had stopped beating entirely.

  He turned and punched the wall, bloodying his knuckles instead of doing something really stupid, like going after her and telling her the truth. That everything about her made him feel alive. That each and every minute of his worthless existence was centered upon finding a way to see her again, to be near her. That she was the best thing that ever happened to him.

  That he loved her, more than anything else in this world or any other.

  But he was so wrong for her. She was smart and funny and sweet, and so damn good inside. She deserved someone dependable and caring, kind and even-tempered and faithful. Jesus. He just described a sheepdog. Or his brother.

  He wouldn’t allow himself to go after her. If he saw her face one more time he’d be a goner. There was no way he could look at her again and not gather her up in his arms and make love to her until she was in a dazed stupor. With those big green eyes that looked at him with so much trust and love, she might actually make him believe he could settle down. With those lips that could turn him inside out at the merest brush of a kiss, she might make him believe that she could be happy with a guy like him.

  The rage drained away, leaving nothing but pain. Then he sunk into the nearest chair and dropped his head into his hands.

  Chapter Eleven

  Lina was too upset to go back to Amy’s. The humiliation was suffocating; her heart felt as if it had been ripped from her chest, crushed, and then stuffed back in. Amy would take one look at her and know, and the last thing Lina felt like doing was sharing what had just happened. It was hard enough to accept as it was, but having to admit her failure to someone else was more than she could bear. Besides, Amy had already been subjected to enough of her tears over Kyle McCullough.

  She spent most of the night walking the quiet streets, trying to understand where things had gone so wrong. But the more she thought about it, the less sense it made. In her heart of hearts, she knew Kyle was the one for her. He was the one she’d been waiting for her whole life. The one who made her come alive with a look, the one who could stop the world with a single kiss. Everything about him called to her on a level that went far beyond physical attraction.

  They’d been so close. She might be a virgin, but she knew enough to know that what they experienced wasn’t typical of a hook-up. One night stands and meaningless sex did not feel like that, like the last piece of a complicated puzzle had finally been found and everything suddenly fit.

  So why had Kyle changed his mind at the last minute? Was it really because she had chosen not to have sex with someone she didn’t love? Or was it something else entirely? Had she completely misread the situation, allowing her fairy-tale fantasies to see his interest as something more than it was?

  Eventually she wound up back at the Book Shoppe around dawn. Through the big window, she could see Amy was already up, making the coffee and stocking the glass display cases with fresh pastries from the local bakery. Still unable to face her, Lina tucked her head down and kept walking.

  Unsurprisingly, her tired feet carried her home. Johnny’s truck was in the garage, but there was no sign of him when she slipped quietly into the kitchen. After taking off her shoes, she tiptoed on silent feet up the stairs, locked herself in her room, and promptly collapsed on her bed. It was only a temporary respite; she couldn’t stay. The moment Johnny knew she was back he would badger her until she broke down and told him everything.

  That would be even worse than telling Amy. While Amy would commiserate and sympathize, Johnny would go ballistic and rain hellfire down on Kyle. As much as she was hurting, she couldn’t – and wouldn’t - do that. In fact, it would be best for everyone if Johnny never found out.

  No, she needed a place where she could be alone. Someplace where she could wallow in her misery for a little while, then pull up her big girl panties and decide what to do. She wasn’t the first woman to experience rejection. She wouldn’t be the last. But did she really even belong in Birch Falls anymore?

  It was her childhood home, but things were so different now. Johnny had his own life. Michael wasn’t around. Amy had her own business and was doing great. Kyle had just kicked her to the curb. She’d lost touch with practically everyone else she had known here. Maybe it was time to make a fresh start somewhere else. Someplace where she didn’t feel out of place or a burden.

  Lina was disgusted by the wave of self-pity that washed over her, which made her already-low mood plummet even further. Yeah, she really needed to get away for a few days.

  Her eyes roamed over the shelves Johnny built for her; at the books she’d so carefully selected, at the picture frames holding smiling faces, frozen forever in a happier time. There was one of her dad, so big, so strong, one arm around each of her brothers while they proudly held up the stringer of fish they’d caught that day. One of her mom, blonde and petite, caught unknowingly in a moment of quiet reflection as she looked out over the deck railing into the sunset. A few more of a much younger Lina and her brothers, all taken during their summers at the lake. They’d made such good memories there.

  Suddenly Lina knew exactly where she could go to lick her wounds in peace and hopefully find the answers she was loo
king for.

  She took a quick shower, the tears flowing again when the water hit her back. Not because of the recent tattoo, but because it reminded her of Kyle’s touch, how he had rubbed the salve over the fresh ink. How his beautiful blue eyes had darkened with desire and arousal when she’d bared her soul – and her body – to him.

  What a fool she’d been. For as long as she lived, she’d never forget the look of horror on his face when he’d discovered the truth. Why was it so terrible that she had chosen to wait for the right one? Weren’t guys supposed to like that?

  Only with the woman they planned on marrying, a bitter voice answered. And clearly, Kyle was not interested in settling down anytime soon. He had wanted her, but apparently no more than he’d wanted anyone else. She might believe he was the other half of her soul, the croie she’d always dreamed of, but to him, she was just another conquest, another notch in his metaphorical bedpost.

  It hurt more than she thought possible. But, she supposed, she should feel grateful that he’d stopped when he had. It would have hurt even more if she’d learned the truth after he’d taken the virginity she’d thrust in his face.

  Lina dried off and threw on some comfortable old jeans and a loose sweatshirt, then packed a few things in an overnight bag. On her way down the hall, she paused in front of Johnny’s door. His loud, rumbling snore made her smile, just a little. Every girl should have a big brother like him. Just knowing he was there and that he would always have her back was a huge comfort, but this time, the battle she fought was against herself.

  The keys to the cabin hung just inside the back door. Lina grabbed them, tucked them into her pack, and slipped into the garage.

  The custom cycle sat there, waiting expectantly. It was a beautiful machine. Despite the fact that things hadn’t worked out between them, she would never part with it. He put his heart and soul into his creations, and it was probably the closest she’d come to having a piece of either.

  Not wanting to wake Johnny, she rolled the bike out to the street before starting it. Her stomach rumbled, reminding her that she should probably eat something and pick up a few provisions on the way. And there was only one place in Birch Falls with coffee and breakfast good enough to make it worth stopping.

  “Hey, Daideo,” she called to the older man behind the cash register. O’Leary’s Diner was a staple in the small community, owned and operated by her maternal grandfather. Everyone ended up there eventually.

  “Celina, lass, how good te see ye!” He came out from behind the counter and wrapped her in a warm embrace. “Ye do not come by near enough.”

  His hug was a much-needed boost. “I know, I’m sorry.”

  “Come, sit, eat.” He guided her toward a booth. “Meg! Make a Sunshine Special for my lass.”

  Lina smiled. “You remembered.”

  “O’ course I remembered. I’m old, lass, not daft. Not yet anyway.” Conlan O’Leary winked and grabbed a fresh carafe of coffee from the counter, then sat down with her. “So what brings ye in so early on a Sunday morning?”

  His smile and tone were friendly, but his eyes were filled with concern. One thing about the men in her family - they were born with acute bullshit detectors and an inflated sense of chivalry. Lina had learned from experience that lying was pointless, but sticking relatively close to the truth usually worked.

  She added cream and sugar to her coffee. “I’m going up to the cabin. I thought I’d get an early start.”

  “Ah,” he said, his features softening in understanding. “Ye’ve not been, have ye?”

  “No,” she exhaled. “But it’s time.”

  “Aye, ‘tis.” he agreed. “The pain never goes away, but it becomes easier te bear, over time.”

  Lina nodded, hoping that was true not just of grief, but of broken hearts as well.

  Meg brought out a steaming plate of scrambled eggs, corned beef hash, and home fries and set it down in front of her. Conlan patted her hand and stood. “I’ll pack a few things for ye te take with ye.”

  “Thanks, Daideo.”

  “My pleasure, lass. Anything for my favorite granddaughter.”

  That made her laugh. Conlan had ten grandchildren, and of them, Lina was the only girl. Besides her two older brothers, she had seven male cousins in the nearby town of Pine Ridge. “I’m your only granddaughter,” she reminded him.

  His clear blue eyes twinkled. “So ye are.”

  The delicious aromas of her breakfast brought her back to the business at hand: eat, then get on the road. She’d barely covered her eggs with ketchup when her phone vibrated with an incoming message.

  For one brief moment, her hopes soared. Maybe it was Kyle. Maybe he’d changed his mind. And if he had, what would she do? Would she go running back to him, or take a few days to sort out this mess that had become her life?

  She was spared from having to answer that question, because it wasn’t Kyle’s number that flashed on the screen.

  Need to see you. Breakfast?

  Lina frowned. Next to Johnny, Jamie was the last person she wanted to face this morning. But as tempted as she was to ignore the message and deal with it later, her conscience wouldn’t allow it.

  She wiped her hands and tapped out a reply. Not really a good time. Can it wait?

  His answer was immediate. No. Are you at home?

  Her frown deepened. It wasn’t like Jamie to be so terse. No, O’Leary’s. Is everything okay?

  Perfect. Don’t move. I’ll be there in ten.

  Lina stared at the screen for long seconds before setting the phone down. What was that all about? What was so important that Jamie needed to see her right away? Her tired mind automatically started crafting worst-case scenarios. Had something happened to Kyle?

  Losing her appetite, Lina pushed the plate away and poured herself another cup of coffee. She didn’t have to wait long before Jamie was there, sliding into the booth across from her.

  “Jamie, what’s wrong?” she asked, taken aback by his unkempt appearance. He looked almost as bad as she felt. His hair stuck out at odd angles as if he’d been running his hands through it, his white button down shirt was wrinkled, and an unexpected chestnut scruff shadowed his normally clean-shaven face.

  “Did something happen? I thought you were supposed to be in Chicago till tomorrow.”

  “I was,” he said. Meg came by with another ceramic mug and saucer, which he gratefully accepted. “I took the red-eye in last night. I had to see you.”

  “Why?”

  “Lina, I’ve been thinking. These last couple of weeks have been ... difficult.”

  “Difficult?” she blinked.

  “Yes. Being away made me realize that I don’t want to be without you.”

  The bit of breakfast she’d managed to consume roiled uncomfortably in her stomach. “Jamie, what are you saying?”

  “I’m saying I want you to marry me, Celina.”

  As if she was in some kind of bizarre dream, she watched in horror as Jamie reached into his pocket and pulled out a black velvet ring box.

  No, no, no...

  “I realize this might seem like it’s coming out of left field, but I’ve been thinking a lot about this. You and me, we make sense.”

  Unable to speak, she gaped at him, horrified.

  “We’re both at a point in our lives where marriage is the next logical step. You are everything I’m looking for in a wife, Celina. You’re smart, you’re beautiful. You’re kind and funny and –”

  “No.” The word came out as a choked whisper.

  “What?”

  “No,” she said, stronger this time. “I can’t marry you, Jamie.”

  “Why not? We get along great together, and I’ll make a good husband. I’ll take care of you, and - ”

  “You would make a wonderful husband, Jamie,” she agreed, “and I care for you deeply, but ...”

  “But what?”

  “But I’m not in love with you.”

  His face fell. He dropped his hand
to the table, staring at the box as he turned it over and over in his fingers.

  “I’m so sorry, Jamie. I never meant to mislead you.”

  He laughed and shook his head. “Mislead me? No, you didn’t mislead me, Celina. You just made me fall in love with you.” Jamie palmed the box, then shoved it back into his pocket. His downcast look became one of grim determination.

  “I’m not giving up that easily.”

  Could this morning possibly get any worse? “Please, Jamie, don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”

  “I could say the same to you.”

  Feeling as though her head were about to explode, Lina grabbed her backpack. She had to get out of there before she completely lost it. “I’m sorry, Jamie. I just can’t deal with this right now.”

  Lina only paused long enough on her way out to kiss her grandfather on the cheek. “Sorry, Daideo, I’ve got to run. I promise I’ll stop by again soon.” And then without looking back, Lina walked out the doors to the back lot, feeling the heavy weight of Jamie’s stare until she turned the corner.

  Chapter Twelve

  Lina opened up the throttle as much as she dared, putting Jamie, O’Leary’s, and Birch Falls behind her. Tears streamed unchecked down her face; some were from the wind, some were from the fingertip hold she had on her emotions. First her epic fail at seducing Kyle, then a wholly unexpected proposal from Jamie. What was next?

  Nearly an hour later, she arrived at the cabin. With a substantial decrease in speed, she turned into the almost-hidden drive. Had she not known exactly where she was going, she would have missed it entirely. Waist-high weeds and growth concealed the potholes and roots, making it difficult to navigate. Unwilling to damage her bike, she dismounted and walked it the rest of the way.

  She stared up at the wooden structure, bracing herself against the inevitable wave of nostalgia. Surprisingly enough, it didn’t hurt as much as she’d thought. Nearly all of her memories of this place were good ones, and that helped temper the feeling of loss.