Where Dreams Unfold

by M. L. Buchman

  But now Jasp had gone forward alone to sit on the front hatch and stare out at the waves. So Tammy left the cockpit and headed up to the bow. The couple of ropes no bigger around than her thumb that ran like a railing along the edge of the deck didn’t look like enough to stop anyone. There was a thin netting between the lines that didn’t impress her much either. The boat was tipped way over and the water was rushing madly by just inches below the edge of the deck. From the cockpit, it hadn’t looked like they were going so fast.

  She backed off. The walkway down the other side of where the cabin stuck up through the deck was high out of the water. She tried that side. A glance back showed Cassidy, Dad, and Perrin all laughing together. Mr. Morgan, clearly keeping an eye on everything, nodded easily at her from where he sat at the tiller, clearly telling Tammy that she was right to go along the high side of the cabin. Lesson learned. She decided he was okay and hoped that he wouldn’t laugh at her too much for how she had to edge forward on the tilted deck clutching the thigh-high thin rope with both hands.

  Earlier, Jasp had been trotting up and down the deck as if it was nothing. She didn’t have the feel of this yet. Every time they hit a wave, she was sure they were going over, or at least that she was. Finally she made it, very glad she was wearing the life vest.

  She edged up and squatted beside Jasp, “Hey, Troll.”

  “Go away.”

  Usually that nickname at least earned a courtesy laugh.

  “C’mon, Jasp. Give. What’s up with you?”

  “With me? Up with me?!” He spun to face her, his skin suffused with deep red, and blotchy as if he’d been on the verge of crying. He hated crying.

  “Yeah. With you!” She learned sometimes you had to face his steam with your own steam. “You’ve been grouchy all day.”

  “Like you care.”

  “I do. Honest.”

  “Yeah. You care, just like Dad does. Only not about me. You two only care about her.” He made the pronoun sound awful, like it was acid or evil goo.

  “That’s not true.” Tammy glanced back down the long deck to where Perrin sat curled in Dad’s arms. They’d been like that the whole trip. It wasn’t true, was it?

  “Are you blind?” Jasp hadn’t bothered to look back, he was just staring over the bow again, out at the rushing waves, blinking hard at the wind. Wind that was dragging tears straight back from his eyes and into his hair so she hadn’t noticed them at first.

  “Not blind, troll. She’s neat, that’s all.”

  “She’s not neat. She’s trying to shove us out.”

  “No!” Tammy protested. “She’s not like that.”

  “Idiot!” he shoved her away and she fell on her butt.

  She shoved against his shoulder hard enough to knock him off the hatch. He tumbled down the sloped deck and landed hard against one of the vertical metal things that held up the lifelines every couple feet.

  He cried out. Jasp struggled to stand, reached out with a hand to steady himself, but his arm hung funny and it didn’t work. The boat dropped down over a wave, making them almost weightless at just the wrong instant. With another cry, Jasp stumbled and fell over the lifeline into the water. His life vest inflated with a loud pop, then he disappeared toward the back.

  She screamed.

  That’s the only part of what happened next that Tammy clearly remembered, her own scream. How it tore at her throat, at her heart. How it hurt her ears and echoed from the sky. She’d already lost her mother and now she screwed up and Jasp was gone. Just like that. Only this time it wasn’t some drunk driver who did it. It was her.

  Mr. Morgan’s shout and dive over the side were a blur. At some point, someone, Perrin maybe, remembered Tammy was alone at the bow and came to get her.

  The rest was just images. The boat rocking in the water, no longer moving. A wet Mr. Morgan and a crying and shivering Jasp. Phone call for an ambulance to be at the dock.

  And tears. She’d cried herself sick and remembered throwing up somewhere, maybe off the edge of the dock. Someone carrying her. Mr. Morgan? Whoever, they’d still been wet. Her own clothes now clammy down one whole side of her body. She and Perrin in the car, her dad with Jasp already gone.

  She knew she’d have nightmares forever of Jasp falling into the water and never coming back.

  Just like Mom.

  Chapter 17

  Perrin knew what she had to do, and hated it. Hated the situation. Hated herself most of all. At least she was used to that part of it.

  She sat in the farthest corner of the painfully white hospital waiting room. As far as possible from Jaspar now behind some anonymous curtain in the ER, far from the three yarn-bombed chairs she and Tammy had done together a mere few days ago, and close by the sliding glass doors she’d have to use in a few minutes.

  She wanted to run through them now and out into the fading Seattle afternoon. Run and never stop, but there was one thing she had to do first. So she waited, her hands clasped in her lap until all feeling had long since left them, staring straight ahead at a poster about identifying different reactions to different types of bug bites. Normally, it would creep her out, but she was too numb.

  It had all gone wrong so fast, that’s what she couldn’t wrap her head around. One moment she’d been curled against Bill, laughing with Cassidy and Tammy, and the next a screaming Jaspar had gone shooting by the stern. Russell had been in the water so fast he hadn’t been ten feet behind the boy. So fast, Perrin didn’t even have time to be afraid for him. Cassidy had turned the big boat back to Russell and Jaspar so fast it was a miracle.

  But on the drive to the hospital she’d learned that it wasn’t an accident, not merely a bad wave and a clumsy ten-year old. Tamara had sobbed out her story, unheeding and unaware of where the axe had fallen. This wasn’t just a bump in the road, it was the end of the line. It was going to kill her heart to walk away, but she had to. But first…

  Bill staggered out into the waiting room looking haggard. He scanned the weekend crowds, about two-thirds of the chairs were filled, before spotting her and coming over. He dropped into the seat beside her. The dark rings under his eyes showed the awful toll the last few hours had taken on him.

  “Well, that was fun.”

  She couldn’t make herself laugh, not even as a kindness.

  “Clean break. Bit of a mess because of all the jostling, but they have that sewn back up and the bone reset. They gave him a painkiller, so he’s resting easier now. Tammy won’t leave him, not even when he yelled at her. Can’t figure that one out, he never yells at Tammy like that. First one he goes to when he’s hurting, even before me. She just sits there like a ghost, holding onto his foot like she’ll never let him go.” He scrubbed his hands over his face then offered her a weak smile, “How’s your day been?”

  “Bill… ” her throat closed. How was she supposed to say what she had to say to this poor, exhausted man? A deep breath didn’t help, mostly because she couldn’t make her diaphragm take one.

  Finally catching her mood, he sobered and turned to face her.

  “I only stayed to say goodbye… ” she didn’t even pause for a breath, the only way through was absolute truth to the end… and speed. She had to say it fast or maybe it really would kill her. “The reason they fought is that I’m the problem. I’ve taken you and Tamara away from Jaspar and he’s angry. He’s so angry and hurt. He’ll be even angrier that you’re out here now with me. Your children need you and all I’m doing is driving them away. Don’t come after me. I won’t talk to you. I won’t see you. I owe that to your children.”

  She stood and walked out the door before he could respond. When she made it through the door, she saw Cassidy and Russell had arrived from putting the boat away. She did the only thing she could think of, she turned in the other direction and ran—it was all that was left for her to do.

  # # #


  Russell caught Bill around the chest before he was five steps out the door. It was like running into a wall.

  “Go!” Russell shouted at Cassidy, who had already taken off after Perrin.

  Bill pushed against Russell, but to little effect. Ten, twenty, thirty seconds later, whenever he stopped his futile struggling, it was too late. Perrin, with Cassidy trailing far behind, was long out of sight.

  Russell’s clasp turned into a friendly arm around the shoulder, with a grip that not even a grizzly bear could break free from. Russell led him back inside.

  “Wonder what got into her?” Russell offered it conversationally.

  Bill didn’t know. Her words had made no sense. His kids were crazy about her. It was because of Perrin they were in the opera production, becoming more involved every day. Tammy couldn’t stop talking about her. And Tammy was really smart about people. Her response made Bill trust Perrin all the more. Quirky as she was, the woman daily proved her ability to be a positive role model for his daughter.

  So what had happened?

  “She couldn’t mean what she said, could she?” he asked Russell.

  Russell guided him back to the very chairs he and Perrin had been sitting in moments before. The big man opened his mouth to respond but the fear was too big for Bill to give him a chance to speak. The fear just kept stumbling words out of Bill’s mouth.

  “About never coming back? About never seeing me again? She couldn’t mean that?”

  Russell’s face turned grim, “She said that?”

  Bill could only nod.

  “Shit,” Russell muttered under his breath. “You never know with Perrin. Mama Maria practically adopts her, Cassie worships her, and to me she’s flighty and damned stubborn. You wouldn’t believe how good that woman is at getting her way.”

  Bill buried his face in his hands. He understood the stubborn woman, the one who drove herself so hard. She’d done six months of work in the last four weeks, totally charming Tammy and himself in the process. Charming? Dammit! He loved the woman. He even loved her for her pig-headed protection of his children.

  “Dad?”

  Bill jerked his head up at Tammy’s voice.

  “He’s asking for you. I don’t think he wants to see either of us, but he’d rather it was you than me.” She looked around, her face still tear-streaked, her eyes almost blood red. “Where’s Perrin?”

  Behind Tammy, Cassidy came in through the door still breathing hard. She shook her head once, “no.”

  Bill rose, nodded to Russell and Cassidy, then, wrapping an arm around his daughter’s shoulders, they went to see his son.

  # # #

  Perrin was so lost. She’d zig-zagged through streets, alleys, backyards. No way she could face Cassidy, but Perrin’s long legs and the speed she’d learned so many years ago in college field hockey had outdistanced her quickly.

  It was her own self she couldn’t seem to get away from. She glanced up at a street sign. Yesler and 34th. She forced herself to turn away when she saw the Ascension yarn-bomb climbing the crosswalk sign’s pole that she’d been leaning against.

  She became aware of the traffic sounds, the afternoon cooling into darkness, the pedestrians eying her strangely as she leaned there trying to recover her breath.

  She was so totally lost.

  And she had nowhere to go. She had no bolt hole, no safe place where none could find her. When had she let go of that? Stupid! Where was it now that she finally needed it?

  Even now Cassidy would be rallying the troops, Jo and Maria. She knew how relentless they could be, she’d done the same for Jo and Cassidy a couple of times herself.

  Now when she needed to be alone, she had nowhere safe. They’d check her store and apartment, thankfully she’d left her cell phone home for the day so she didn’t have to feel guilty… guiltier for not answering when they called her.

  She couldn’t go to a hotel. For a day out with Bill and the kids she’d stuffed her apartment key in one pocket and her driver’s license and a twenty-dollar bill in the other. Twenty bucks wouldn’t even buy her a bus ticket out of town.

  “Shit!” Her curse startled several people she hadn’t noticed waiting for the light.

  Out of options, all she could do was select the least painful one.

  Turning north and west, she started walking slowly back toward downtown.

  # # #

  Mama Maria opened her condo’s door even as Perrin stood debating whether or not to knock.

  “Oh, I was just headed back out to… ” she trailed off as she studied Perrin. Then, with a gentle hand on her shoulder, she guided Perrin inside.

  She didn’t say a word until she had Perrin seated on the couch by the night-darkened windows, a cable-knit throw blanket around her shoulders, and a big mug of steaming tea she could barely hold against the chills. The warm afternoon had long since gone to a dark, cool evening. Her sleeveless blouse wholly insufficient to protect her.

  The front door opened and closed behind her, making her twitch. The tea burned her fingers and spilled on the blanket. Maria didn’t embarrass her even more by trying to help. She simply turned to Hogan who had stumbled to a halt at the entry to the living room.

  “Yes, Hogan. She’s found. Could you let the others know, and then make us dinner, just for the three of us I think. Tell the others that tomorrow is soon enough for questions.”

  After Hogan nodded silently and headed into the kitchen, already dialing the phone, Maria sat on the couch beside her.

  Perrin managed to set down the tea, wiping her fingers on her pant leg before she wrapped the blanket more tightly about her. Then she simply leaned forward and lay her head in Maria’s lap. Lying there, she told the story of the day between bouts of shivering, partly from the cold, partly from self-loathing.

  She should have seen it. In retrospect, had seen it. Jaspar going to bed early to avoid her when she knew full well he felt bedtime was for “little kids” and was always pushing the limits; her one visit to their house a perfect excuse. Somehow arranging never to sit by her at the opera, not even when his sister did. Perhaps especially not when his sister did.

  When they’d first met, the boy had been such a bright and shining light. Somehow she’d missed the change as he shifted toward the Overlord’s darkness.

  Maria just let her talk, slowly brushing at her hair until she was done. Run dry of all emotion.

  “I have to leave, Maria. I can’t stay. Not even in Seattle. I would think of them all nearby. Worse, I might see them. I can’t do that. I can’t.”

  “You were never dumb, Perrin my girl.”

  “Except about men.”

  “You were never dumb,” Maria made it such a definitive statement that Perrin couldn’t argue. “Perhaps less than sensible at times, but you always knew exactly what you were doing even when you were screwing up.”

  “I know this time too, Mama Maria. Honest I do.”

  Maria pushed her upright until they were facing each other. She was silent for the longest time, just looking up at Perrin with those dark eyes that demanded honesty.

  “I didn’t say that I won’t hate leaving, but it’s the best for everyone, Maria. You know that.”

  “Not best for you, my girl.”

  “I can’t put that ahead of what’s best for Bill’s family. I know I should, but I can’t. I care about them too much. It will be okay. I’m used to it being hard.”

  “And do you think that you’ll hurt them less by leaving?”

  That one she didn’t have an answer to. She’d seen Bill’s eyes as she’d said goodbye. He’d been devastated before the words even registered. She was just glad that Russell had stopped him and Cassidy had followed in his stead, because she might not have had the heart to run away from Bill. Tamara would be shattered as well.

  “Oh god, Maria,” Perrin cla
sped the blanket more tightly and folded both fists over her aching heart, “anything I do makes it worse.” She hung her head.

  Maria raised her chin with a gentle hand. “So, we do this one step at a time.”

  “We?” It was the most heartening word Perrin had ever heard. Because she certainly couldn’t do this on her own. “What next step?”

  “You already know, sweetheart.” Maria pulled her down enough to kiss her on the top of the head, just as she had the day she’d told Perrin she’d wished to have had Perrin as her daughter. “You know, you just wish you didn’t.”

  Perrin thought a moment, then nodded. She knew. It was so hard, but she knew.

  # # #

  Bill collapsed at his dining room table, too exhausted to breathe, way too tired to make a drink or eat any dinner. At least they were all home.

  Back at the hospital, on the way back into ER to see Jaspar, Tammy had spilled about what exactly had happened on the bow of the boat and why they’d been fighting to begin with.

  Perrin. Of all idiotic, dumb-ass, idiot moves he’d made as a single father, that one took the cake. Perrin had opened a new world for Tammy, giving her a gift of such magnitude that his daughter was growing and changing daily as she scrambled to take it all in. And Perrin had done the same for him, showing him that a part of his heart he had thought forever dead, still existed. Hell, it thrived beneath her shining radiance, her Empress’ touch upon his heart proving to be a benediction beyond price.

  But he’d missed what was up with Jaspar. Missed how many times Jaspar had come in to ask for help with homework. Because Tammy wasn’t around any more. “Just another hour, buddy.” Which had turned into two or three as he worked to keep the opera on track. He’d barely registered when Jaspar had drifted away to the technical crews to get away from him as well.

  Crap! There had to be more ways he could screw up as a parent, but he didn’t know what they were.

  He’d known better than to confront it head-on with Jaspar. It would be too obvious that Tammy had told him and it would just drive them all further apart.