‘Give the phone here Andre, if I am to go on a date with one of these men I would like to choose who it is and not go on a date with a complete nut job.’
‘Oh sorry Ruby, I can get a bit carried away on GirlmeetsBoy, in fact one night I swiped and responded to so many girls I ended up with four dates all on a Tuesday evening.’
I am shocked as to how much of a lothario Andre was because of this app. I mean, no offence to the guy, he is a good friend to hang around with but he has this slight ‘dweeb’ vibe about him, partly due to the thick framed glasses, brown messy hair with a fringe that he is constantly pushing to the side so he can see, and a body that is too skinny and long and usually, if isn’t walking around naked, is decorated in superhero t-shirts and black cut off shorts. As cruel as it sounds, if there is hope for Andre then there has to be hope for me.
Andre hands me back the phone and a tingle of excitement runs down the back of my neck and my heart starts to beat slightly faster. I cannot wait to see who is out there and whether they will match with me.
First up is a guy called Gareth aged 32. An immediate no. He is a full on Goth with black lipstick and eyeliner. He looks depressed and is wearing more make-up than me. Right who’s next?
‘Errgh this guy looks gross,’ I say to Andre.
Andre is literally breathing down my neck like a psychopath, so I might as well share the screen and fulfil his interest in seeing who I match up with.
‘I agree,’ he replies. Those five seconds of Ricky, aged 30, wearing a mankini that does nothing to cover the gorilla hair that covers the rest of his body can never be erased from our minds.
Up next is Danny, aged 26. Cute. Dimple on his cheek and thick curly dark hair. Swipe yes.
‘Look you’ve got a reply from Danny already,’ Andre shouts scaring half the passengers queuing on the harbour for the Luna Park ferry, and making it obvious to them that I am on a man-date hunt. If my face gets any redder today I may stay permanently looking like a tomato.
I read the message aloud to Andre.
‘Are you a Middle Eastern Dictator?’
‘No…are you sure you were meant to send this question to a girl on a dating app?’ I type back to him.
He responds within seconds.
‘…because there is a political uprising in my pants.’
I leave the conversation there with a feeling of disgust. I hope that joining GirlmeetsBoy isn’t going to be a complete waste of my time.
Then a Ryan aged 27 pops up on the app. I swear I have seen him before. He is dressed in a smart navy suit and in one of the pictures he is holding a small Labrador puppy. That’s a clever ploy, but I can’t help but fall for it and swipe right. He replies instantly.
‘Hey gorgeous :)’
‘Wow, he thinks I am gorgeous.’ This is a much better start than Disgusting Danny.
Okay time for me to play it cool.
‘Hey Ryan, how are you?’
‘I am good thanks. U?
Okay this guy thinks it is okay to use just a letter instead of the full word which smacks of laziness and a lack of grammatical skills but I’ll give him a chance just because he called me gorgeous.
A few more messages exchanged and suddenly I am going on a date tomorrow with Ryan at a bar called Luciana’s. I look at my phone in slight disbelief. In the space of five minutes I have snagged myself a date. The last time I tried to get a date I ended up spending forty-five minutes talking to a Where’s Wally lookalike in a library, only to discover he had a vegan girlfriend who liked watching weird YouTube cat videos. I sometimes wonder whether I am the weirdo in situations like. Maybe this will all change in Sydney. I’ve already spent the day with the blonde bombshell and hopefully will have an exquisite evening with Ryan tomorrow.
Andre’s welsh accent fills my ears again;
‘Are you alright Ruby, you look a bit shocked. Are you not a fan of ferry’s or amusement parks? We can go somewhere else if this doesn’t float your boat. Excuse the pun.’
I look up at him and whisper to him: “I’ve got a date Andre. I’ve been here only five minutes and I have a date.”
‘Calm down Ruby, it’s only a date and I am sure it will be the first of many in this city. Now let’s get on this boat and head over to Luna Park where I can bash you into oblivion on the dodgem cars.’
‘Yeah right Andre, clearly you have not heard of my reputation as Ruby the Racer, you’ll be the one needing to dodge not me.’ I grin and then look one more time at the GirlmeetsBoy app and the picture of Ryan cuddling the Labrador.
The Australian adventure of love may have just begun.
CHAPTER 8
Buzzzzzzzzzzz. I make sure to hold the buzzer for at least a minute on my arrival at Chad’s apartment on Lamrock Avenue, Bondi. The buzzer is basically his alarm clock, even though it is Friday night. I’ve never known someone to sleep as much as Chad and it isn’t as if his life is stressful.
Even though Chad is completely different to me, he is the yin to my yang. The Bert to my Ernie. If there is one guy I trust completely with my life it’s him.
I met Chad at the local swimming club when I was 12 and he was 15. He had just moved to North Bondi from Cronulla and was immediately labelled as the ‘weird Shire kid’. As my father hailed from the Shire I didn’t see why being from South Sydney was such a problem. Although some kids in North Bondi can be right snobs.
To be honest he did come across a little bit weird to begin with. He would just introduce himself to everyone and talk about everything under the sun to anybody who was in talking distance. He didn’t care if it was the most popular girl in school, the swim coach, or the pool janitor, Chad did not discriminate and would do his upmost to be friendly to everyone, even if they were a douche bag in return.
At the time I wasn’t the most popular of kids. I’m not really sure why, but I seemed to be a prime target for the swimming club bullies. I loved the actual swimming at swim club and relished just shutting off the whole world by pounding out a few lengths in the pool. I won a few medals as well, which was nice. The bit I dreaded would be changing before and after the swim session. Every time I was heckled, whipped with a towel, my swimming trunks were stolen and chucked in a hard to reach corner, or my dry clothes slung into the pool.
The ringleader was a kid about twice the size of me. He had a mean mouth and mean punch, which meant the other boys went along with him, afraid they would be the next victim. He was nicknamed the ‘Raging Ranga’ due to his fiery temper and bright ginger hair, although no one called him that to his face.
I just accepted the punishment with the hope that it would eventually stop. It did stop. Not because the Raging Ranga had given up but because the weird Shire kid who did not give a flying fuck about his image and whether he was popular or not told the Raging Ranga and his mates to go do one and stop picking on me.
At the time the Raging Ranga was furious that Chad had challenged his authority and attempted to engage Chad in a fight. Little did he know Chad could administer the most brutal of Chinese burns and Raging Ranga screamed like a girl when he was on the receiving end of one, and this made me howl with laughter.
He was humiliated and left the changing room with his oafish mates without uttering another word. As soon as they left Chad then began to chat to me about what ice cream he was going to have later, as if the incident had never happened. And from that point onwards Chad, the slightly odd shire kid became my best friend.
He has always been what I would call a stereotypical surfer dude. You know the type. He has shoulder-length blonde hair, a permanent tan and bright blue eyes which are enough to make any girl throw off her bikini. He also has a tendency to end every other sentence with ‘Dude’ and if he gets any more laid back about life he would be horizontal.
He currently rents this apartment in Bondi with his long-term girlfriend Charlie and another flat mate called Dave who is just plain weird. I once caught him eating sardines from a tin which he had covered in yoghurt. Like
I said just plain weird.
I always feel like I am still a nineteen year old student at Chad’s apartment. The bin always seems to be overflowing with a variety of takeaway boxes, cleaning is a low priority and the wall is covered in random surf posters or marks of an undistinguished nature.
Charlie claims none of the takeaway boxes are hers as she is on a vegetarian, gluten-free, no sugar and low GI diet. Basically the “lets only eat the food that looks like cardboard diet.” Although I bet when Chad’s out she stuffs herself with a fully loaded meat pizza and loves it. The dirty slut.
Most men nearing the age of 30 might think it would be time to let the student life go, maybe grow up and aim for a nice clean place of your own with no dodgy décor. But Chad doesn’t give a monkey’s. I can imagine at the age of fifty that his place will still be the same and that he will still be living here with Charlie and some other random he met on a beach somewhere. Fingers crossed, I hope the random doesn’t have any weird fish habits like Dave.
I can however, just about tolerate Dave but when it comes to Charlie, that’s a whole different kettle of fish, as she is one of the most pretentious and up-her own arse women I have ever met.
Chad eventually buzzes me in but as I open the door I am immediately confronted by Miss ‘up her own arse’. She looks me up and down as I walk through the door. She’s not really one to judge considering she looks like a down and out Danni Minogue. If she actually made an effort and wore some make-up she would be much more attractive.
As always she offers me a warm greeting;
‘Well, if it isn’t the lothario of Sydney. Sorry love, there aren’t any girls with their legs open here, you need to go elsewhere.’
‘Oh Charlotte, why don’t you take yourself and your stupid harem pants that make you like you’re wearing a diaper and piss off, I’m here to see Chad not you.’
She hates it when I call her Charlotte, but she was totally asking for a mouthful of venom back.
‘Just do one Ryan, I sometimes wonder how you and Chad are even friends, especially with your attitude of feeling the need to sleep with every attractive female you clap eyes on.’
I get ready for a good come back line for her before she disappears back to her bedroom but it’s too late as Chad the UN Peacekeeper arrives on the scene.
‘Duuuuuudddeeeeee. What’s up with you and Charlie man? As soon as you two are together there is just a really negative vibe, it’s not good, that’s how you end up a constipated and grumpy old man before you hit 30.’
‘Yeah well…’ God I sound like such a teenager but I feel I need to justify myself, especially against that bitch.
‘…Charlie is making me out as if I’m some sort of gigolo when all I want to do is have fun with women who want to have fun too.’
Chad rolls his eyes.
’Well Dude maybe Charlie has a point, chasing after all these girls has got to be exhausting, besides don’t you want to find that one special girl who can look after you and share both the good and the bad times with, just like me and Charlie do.’
I give him a look of ‘don’t talk such bullshit’ accompanied by a one-fingered salute.
‘Don’t give me that Ryan; you know secretly Charlie and I are right. Look let me get in the shower and freshen up and we can hang out at the Beach Hotel for a bit. Don’t tell Charlie but I am gagging for a chicken parmigiana. And it can be hard to get that meat fix in without her noticing and having a mini meltdown.’
I laugh in response and nod to show acceptance of Chad’s plan and then head to the flat’s dingy living room where I see Dave sitting in the corner wearing a cat suit onesie watching Sponge Bob Squarepants.
He looks in my direction and throws me a ‘Hey Dude’.
I just nod my head and hope that this is the only conversation I have to make with Dave as I’m not sure I can cope with dealing with such a nut job.
As I try to make myself comfortable at the other end of the room, balancing my buttocks on the faded velvet green sofa so as not to end up being swallowed down the middle, I decide to occupy my time with my favourite hobby - searching GirlmeetsBoy for the next batch of hotties.
Let’s see whether one of them would like the honour of being my date.
Okay first up on my screen is Georgia and she is just odd with a capital O. Her face looks like something out of Finding Nemo. She’s all big rubber lips and bulgy eyes. Her skin is orange and her hair is full of stringy brown extensions. I don’t think even RuPaul would want her for his drag team.
Next is Sophie. She looks hot. Not quite sure about the lip piercing but she has a hot brown bob and sexy green eyes and in some of the photos she is showing off her moves on the pole. Boy, can she use a pole. She looks fun. Swipe right. Instant response. She’s keen.
‘Hey Babes if you want fun times then call this premium rate number 0800 123 456 for sexy chat to real life sexy chicks,’
Damn. I thought I was getting good at spotting the bots on this app. Oh well on to the next one.
Ruby, aged twenty six. Cute, beautiful blue eyes, wavy blonde hair and wearing a bright red cardigan. Wait. I swear I have seen her before in a club or something. Actually, she looks like that chick who gave Craig hell the other night. Clearly not a lesbian.
She stands out from the rest of the GirlmeetsBoy crowd. She is one of the few people who has actually put photos up without using a filter or pouting as if her life depended on it and isn’t pushing her tits to make them bigger than what they are. Clearly a newbie to this. Swipe right. Let’s see if we can get her closer to laying in my bedsheets.
I’ll begin with my classic ‘Hey gorgeous’ line and see whether she will grab the bait.
Oh yes. Thirty seconds and she has responded. This is going to be easier than I thought.
Okay she’s now asking questions about me. I immediately suss her out as a girl who is looking to get to know a guy and see whether she can relate on some deep emotional level shit or something. I go along with it and tell her what I do for a living, I’m an accountant, I love swimming and surfing, travelling and meeting new people blah blah blah. I continue the act for a few minutes and then go in for the kill, asking her for a drink at Luciana’s.
An immediate yes. Boom. Date for Saturday sorted.
‘Dude, time to go.’ Chad arrives freshly scrubbed wearing his ludicrously bright tropical short sleeve shirt and camel coloured shorts.
‘Winner, winner, chicken dinner,’ he says loudly rubbing his hands together.
‘Chad,’ pipes Charlie from another room. ‘You better not be eating meat. Remember meat is murder.’
‘Oh shit, I didn’t think she would hear. Let’s go Dude, before I get quarantined.’
We make a swift exit and I close the app on my phone and I put my phone back in my shirt. I’m feeling smug that I have another girl lined up for some down and dirty on the weekend.
CHAPTER 9
It’s Saturday and as I walk back into the hostel with Andre after another pastry-filled breakfast, even the smell of rising damp and old sweat that greets us as we walk up to our dorm can’t ruin my mood. I have a date tonight.
I head up to the dorm room with Andre and I see Martha standing outside and spot immediately she is going to tell me something I really don’t want to hear. And then I see Chloe, from the other night at the Juicy Parrot, cowering behind my sister despite the show of muscle. My mood begins to sour.
‘Hey sis.’ Martha is trying the big-eyed-innocent look, and is clearly trying to soften whatever blow is about to follow. There is a long pause, and Martha starts to draw imaginary circles on the floor with her shoe.
‘Christ Martha. Just spit it out.’ you have that look on your face and as your twin sister I know what you’re about to say is bad news so just spit it out.’
When she finally speaks, her voice begins to crackle.
‘Well, you know Chloe…’
‘Yes Martha, I do. She is standing right behind you. I am not blind.’
&nbs
p; ‘…well we are kind of seeing each other now.’
‘Well I kind of figured that out Martha, although I feel there is more news to come.’
She takes a deep breath.
‘There is more news. Chloe has a spare ticket to see Dolly Parton tonight and asked if I would like to go with her. I know you love Dolly and we’ve spent our childhood prancing around to Jolene on Mum’s record player… but would you mind if I went with Chloe?’
I’m wondering how long I can make her feel guilty, knowing that I already have plans for Saturday evening. Plans that I would never change, even for Dolly. And then Andre spills the beans.
‘I wouldn’t worry about it Martha, Ruby has got a date later tonight anyway.’
I could kill Andre for ruining my fun, but my face is too full of embarrassment for me to do anything about it.
Martha grins and looks like she is about to tease me, and then thinks better of it. She can’t be sure I won’t cause her grief about Dolly and ruin her date night with Chloe.
Chloe slowly appears from behind my sister and begins talking at 100 one miles per hour.
‘Can I help you get ready and stuff? I’m actually a make-up artist, I could make up your face, if you don’t mind, plus it will be good to know a little bit more about Martha through you, seeing as you are her twin sister…’
I take a moment to absorb the train of words Chloe has delivered and then nod in agreement for the sake of an easy life. And besides, it might help my chances this evening. I also know it will wind Martha up.
We all go into my dorm room and pull out the make-up I have, which by the looks on Chloe’s face is clearly not enough. I also pull out three dresses I could wear this evening. I ask the girls and Andre to help me make my choices. Voices fly in my ears from different directions.
‘Go for the red, you’ll make an entrance and he will notice you immediately.’
‘No too powerful, you want the flowery dress you wore out the last night.’
When Love Meets Lust Page 5
