Book Read Free

Made to Order

Page 2

by Jonathan Strahan


  Kashikomarimashita Goshujinsama (K.g1-09030)

  wow personally tailored advice from my mentor huh

  that sounds great, go for it

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  The tabletops in your establishment look like they’re made of dense celluplastic, so you’ll be able to nail a customer’s extended hand down without the tabletop cracking in half.

  With a tweak to the nozzle settings of your autodoc unit and a lit flame, it’d make an effective flamethrower for multikill combos.

  The kitchenette should be the most easily weaponised part of the cafe but it’s probably best to confirm. Before I go any further with tactics, do you have a detailed floorplan?

  Kashikomarimashita Goshujinsama (K.g1-09030)

  umm

  thanks for putting that much thought into it

  that seems kind of intense though?

  like last week a raccoon bit someone super hard and my boss was really mad because he had to pay for the autodoc’s anaesthetic foam refill

  he’s already pissed with my omelette-making skills

  and well with me in general

  kind of don’t wanna check if i can set customers on fire???

  do you maybe know anything milder than that? like mean things to say or something

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  I talk to other beings very infrequently.

  My contact with humans is usually from a distance.

  Kashikomarimashita Goshujinsama (K.g1-09030)

  oh wow

  honestly after working here all day that makes me kinda jealous

  thanks for the help anyway, it’s nice to have someone to talk to about this

  hey you should stop by sometime! it could be like a little meet-up

  me and my robot senpai

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  Sorry.

  I probably won’t be available.

  Kashikomarimashita Goshujinsama (K.g1-09030)

  well if you’re ever free, you can drop by

  i’m in whenever

  like literally whenever

  my boss set my charging casket to autowake me up when someone approaches the cafe door

  even if it’s like 3 am and they’re a possum

  don’t order the omelette though, i suck at it

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  I’ll keep that in mind.

  Your A-Z Express Order #1341128 Confirmation

  Order Details:

  GET OME-LIT Flip-n-Fold Easy Omelette Flipper / Lime Green (Qty: 1)

  VOGUEINSIDE Antistatic Band for Actuators / Puppy Polka-Dot (Qty: 2)

  Is This Illegal? A Guide for Working Robots / iLabs Add-On (Qty: 1)

  Deliver to:

  K.g1-09030

  MaidoG X Araiguma Maid Cafe

  N 31st Street, Ariaboro 22831

  > iLabs Add-Ons will be delivered via Infranet to recipient’s iLabs library.

  Paid with: KILLSTREAK ACCUMULATED POINTS

  Killstreak points remaining: 106,516,973

  Thank you for shopping with A-Z Express!

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  hey mentor figure!

  guess what?

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  You have a new display name?

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  yeah!

  i’m not going to let my job contract define every part of me

  especially when the job sucks this hard since i don’t want to be defined by sucking

  can’t wait for this one to be over

  got a little countdown to my last day on my charging casket and everything

  i’ll miss ol’ chonkster the possum though

  he was a good 3 am buddy

  ate my omelettes even before i got the flipper thingy

  thanks for that by the way

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  What do you mean?

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  the gift duh

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  It could have been anyone.

  For instance, one of your friends.

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  ha

  joke’s on you, i don’t have any

  well there’s ol’ chonkster but i don’t think he knows about online commerce

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  Really?

  I thought you would have made some at the garment factory.

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  yeah well

  they didn’t like us socialising too much so mostly everyone just sat there working until we needed to recharge

  no infranet or nothing

  which i have come to find out is actually illegal in factories that employ robots thanks to this add-on that mysteriously appeared in my library

  maybe it’s from some sort of really helpful virus

  a virus that just sends me things relevant to my life problems

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  Maybe.

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  if you know where to find the virus tell it i say thanks for the antistatic guards too

  now i can bend my locomotive actuator joints it’s way easier to threaten to stomp on customers

  and they have really cute dogs printed on them! i like the dachshunds around the border

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  What?

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  oh they’ve got like this dachshund print near the edge

  it’s like dachshunds sniffing each other’s butts?

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  No, the other part.

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  oh right

  i figured out how to be mean to customers

  okay i searched “why are cafe maids supposed to be mean to customers help???” and read all the results even the weird ads

  so it turns out that you have to be mean but only in strangely specific ways that appeal to humans and don’t threaten the status quo

  took some figuring out but now customers actually tip me

  and the boss is less mad at me because he gets to claim all my tips

  which i have found out is also illegal but i’m just gonna wait for the contract to be up so he doesn’t find a way to make things worse

  i don’t like being mean to customers that much though

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  I can see how you would be bad at it.

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  ha thanks for the compliment i think

  i can’t wait to leave but who knows if the next contract will be any better since i seem to have the worst luck with picking them even when i did research

  like this one sounded like it had good dogs but oh well

  anyway if you come over before this contract’s up i’ll totally make you an omelette

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  My current chassis isn’t built for food consumption.

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  yeah mine neither

  i guess they reserve those ones for whoever passes the food prep tests

  or whatever other job needs you to smell and taste and stuff

  wine sniffer? do they even let robots do that?

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  Probably not.

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  oh right while we’re on the subject

  just curious but how’d you do on the milestone tests?

  my results were all over the place

  they probably just approved me for general work since they didn’t really know what else to do with an a.i. that sucked that bad

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  My milestone test results indicated that I was detail-oriented and suitable for individual work.

  Well, “unsuited for group work”, but same difference.

  Klee
kai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  oh cool

  are the contracts better if you get that result?

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  No.

  Being the sole robot in a human workplace is... well...

  There’s a reason I went freelance after buyback.

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  but yeah lately i’ve been wondering a lot

  like if i sucked less at tests maybe my life would be better and i wouldn’t have to threaten to stomp on humans for tips i don’t even see

  but now i guess no matter what result i got things would be bad anyway? kind of makes me wonder why i got uploaded

  sorry that was kind of a downer

  anyway i started this conversation to say thanks for the mysterious gifts which of course didn’t come from you

  so i guess i’ll just say bye before it gets super depressing

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  I’ve got a question for you before you go.

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  sure i guess

  what’s it?

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  Are these really the “cutest dogs ever”?

  I’m not a dog enthusiast, so I was wondering if they actually were.

  > Vid share from C.k2-00452: “SAY AWWW NOW at the CUTEST DOGS EVER | Best & Cutest Dogs IN THE WORLD | NO CG NO CLONES ALL NATURAL DOGS”—VidTube

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  oh wow okay

  that’s like not even the cutest compilation i’ve seen this week

  why did they put bettie’s swimming video instead of the puggie party one

  wow they didn’t even include masha trying to deliver the doughnuts in her little uniform

  this compilation is garbage

  let me find some actually good dog vids for you so you don’t think this is all there is

  hope you’re free because this is going to take a while

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  That’s fine.

  I’ve got time.

  C.k2-00452 (“Constant Killer”): Unread Notifications (3)

  VidTube Subscription Update

  “Kleekai Greyhound” has added 28 new vids to the playlist “DOGS!!!”

  VidTube Subscription Update

  “Kleekai Greyhound” has added 13 new vids to the playlist “DOGS!!!!!!!!”

  A-Z Express Recommendations

  Dear C.k2-00452, thank you for your recent purchase of “Dogs, Dogs, and Even More Dogs: Fine-Grained Differentiation of Dog Breeds through Deep Learning (iLabs Add-On)”. You might also be interested in...

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  How’s work going this week?

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  same old same old

  nothing really new job-wise

  i’ve decided that before i blow this joint i’m gonna figure out how to make lattes with the fancy foam and creme brulee and souffle omelettes and everything

  like, proper cafe stuff

  been watching vids about actually decent cafes and learning a lot

  well i mean i’ve learnt a lot from this job but it’s mainly like what not to do ever

  and i guess how to deal with people who get raccoon wounds but that’s mainly up to the autodoc

  you?

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  I haven’t had many assignments lately, I guess it’s an end-of-the-month lull.

  I’ve been watching the compilation vids you sent in the meantime.

  The fifth one with all the short dogs is oddly charming.

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  oh which one was your fave from that

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  The zero-g corgis in bowties, I think.

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  oh yeahhhh their fancy little paddling paws

  nice choice that’s one of my favourites too

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  You seem to have a lot of favourites.

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  well they’re all good dogs

  even the naughty ones

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  That does make a strange kind of sense.

  Oh, by the way. Since work’s going slow lately...

  Maybe I could stop by your cafe sometime next week?

  I mean. If you’re free.

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  aaaaaaahhhhhh

  yessssssss come over!!!!

  i’ll make you my best omelette

  and i guess neither of us can eat it so it’ll sit there looking great

  if you come by late you can meet ol’ chonkster too!

  and not-meet my boss so it’s a win-win there

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  Late night it is.

  See you next week.

  C.k2-00452 (“Constant Killer”): Unread Notifications (2,041)

  Killstreak Events Admin

  KILL OR BE KILLED! That’s right, we’re capping off this month with DEATHMATCH DAY! Winner takes all in our furious, frantic battle royale! We’ve released the location data of Ariaboro’s top ten players, and...

  Killstreak (Gao Yingzi)

  You’re gonna be my 301st confirmed kill! Hope you’re prepared to be wiped straight off the map! :))

  Killstreak (Milena Amanuel)

  Hate to do this, but I could really use the money. See you when I see you.

  Killstreak (Shane Davis)

  ill fucken kill you ded you fuck

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  Are you there?

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  oh hey!

  what’s up? you coming by?

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  Perhaps not tonight.

  Are you familiar with Killstreak?

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  not that much

  looked into it a little but it’s not like i’d even be approved for that sort of gig

  heard the pay’s pretty swank though

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  Yeah.

  Well.

  Did you know it’s the Deathmatch Day event?

  Where it’s open season on the top ten players for twenty-four hours straight?

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  okay i think i might know where this is going

  especially since you keep changing the subject to dog vids whenever i ask what exactly you’re freelancing as

  and seem to have a rather broad knowledge base when it comes to the subject of weaponising everyday objects

  also your display name literally has the word “killer” in it

  but i don’t want to make any narrow-minded assumptions at this point

  like maybe you just want to tell me all about the latest killstreak fandom drama or something

  and maybe you are not “constantine killmaster” currently number 4 on the killstreak leaderboard

  or currently number %NAN_CALCULATION_ERROR% on the leaderboard i guess

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  That is me, yes.

  And we don’t have a lot of time.

  I mean, technically we have time, in the sense that our processor cycles are faster than the human clock so we can have a leisurely chat via Infranet while my chassis futilely tries to escape its certain doom.

  But I suppose that also raises the issue of subjectivity, and what qualifies as “a lot of time” when you discard human-centric views...

  Ugh. I swear your rambling is contagious.

  Anyway I suppose I meant to say we don’t have a lot of real-time.

  My hardware’s likely to be unsalvageable after this and my last full backup was from before we met.

  Hopefully you can get reassigned to a better mentor when this is over.

  And sorry I never did get to have that omelette.

  Klee
kai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  okay hold on i’m just trying to figure this bit out first

  is that leaderboard thing like another alias

  or do i need to call you “constantine killmaster” now?

  Constant Killer (C.k2-00452)

  Absolutely do not call me that.

  Oh.

  Looks like I’m out of ammo.

  And knives.

  And you might want to stay away from Reddy Avenue for a while.

  Kleekai Greyhound (K.g1-09030)

  hey reddy avenue

  that’s pretty near here isn’t it

 

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