Waters Fall

by Becky Doughty

  It was Friday afternoon, and even if it killed her, she was determined to take a shower, wash her hair, and go sit outside in the sunshine. Maybe Jake would help her change the sheets and air out the room. She desperately needed some fresh air herself, but even more, she wanted a cup of coffee. That was how she knew she was on the mend.

  She sat up, closed her eyes and waited until the room stopped spinning, then carefully made her way across the hall to the bathroom. The shower was sheer heaven this time, and she ran it so hot that she was rather wobbly by the time she stepped out. Undaunted, she dressed slowly, brushed her teeth twice, and headed out to the kitchen in search of caffeine.

  Instead she found Jake, Leslie, and Felix, gathered around a map of the Sierra Nevadas spread out on the table. She smiled at the endearing sight of her little family making their summer plans. “Hey guys,” she said quietly, not wanting to startle them.

  “Look! Mom’s up!” Felix clambered off his chair and came running at her.

  “Don’t touch her!” Jake yelled at him, causing him to pull up short, shocked at his dad’s tone.

  “Jake!”

  “Dad!” Nora and Leslie spoke at the same time, their appalled tones melding into one reprimand. A vibrant silence settled around them for just a moment, then Felix burst into tears.

  “I’m sorry, Mom. I wasn’t going to hurt you.” He took one more tentative step towards her and stopped, completely undone. “I didn’t mean to.”

  Jake hurried to him and put an arm around his son, pulling him close. “Felix, Felix. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just didn’t want you to knock her over with all that love.” He turned and reached a hand toward Leslie who was still hovering near the table. “You, too, Les. Come here. I’m sorry I scared all of you.” Leslie ducked under his arm and ruffled Felix’s hair. Jake looked over at Nora. “And you, too, Nora.” He waited until she was close enough, then he pulled her into his embrace with the kids. “Group hug. Mom’s alive!”

  They hugged and giggled and Felix’s tears dried up quickly. “Do you feel better, Mom?” He still seemed a little afraid to touch her, but she smiled and assured him that she did.

  “I am really shaky right now, though. I think I need to sit down. I haven’t eaten much in too long, and if it hadn’t been for your dad pouring chicken soup down my throat, I might have come out of that room as your mummy instead of your mommy.” She raised her hands over her head and let her eyes roll back as she stumbled stiffly around the coffee table, moaning, “Come hug me. I’m your mummy.” Then she dropped into Jake’s overstuffed easy chair.

  Jake and the kids piled onto the couch, and all three stared at her. “What?” she asked, feeling a little awkward under their scrutiny.

  “Was Daddy a good nurse?” Leslie asked, her eyes hesitantly hopeful, before she looked down at the purple polish she was picking off her nails. Nora waited until she looked up again and smiled at her daughter.

  “Yes, honey, he was a most excellent nurse.” She knew Jake was watching her, but she couldn’t bring herself to meet his gaze. She continued for his benefit as much as for Leslie’s. “I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t taken such good care of me. I was pretty sick, you know. I don’t think I could have taken care of myself.” She leaned back and closed her eyes, relishing being out of bed.

  “And Mom is still getting over this, kids. She’s pretty weak still, and probably will be for a while. When you’re that sick, it can take some time to get back to your old self, so just be gentle around her, okay? No charging bulls, Felix.”

  “Okay. I’ll be careful around you, Mom, I promise.” Then Felix giggled. “Do you remember what you said on Monday when I came in to see you?”

  Nora had to smile at his obvious delight, but she couldn’t remember one day from the next of the beginning of the week, and had no idea what he was talking about.

  “Oh Mom! You were kinda smiling so I thought you were awake even though your eyes were closed so I came closer to talk to you but when I got close I could tell you didn’t really know I was there so I started blowing raspberries to see if maybe you were just joking and you laughed so then I thought you were just joking so I did it again and you smiled but you didn’t open your eyes so I asked you why you were laughing and you told me that you were turning your shirt buttons and the buttons were tooting.” Felix giggled uncontrollably throughout his diatribe. He was notorious for his run-on sentences when telling stories. Like a windup doll, once he got started he just kept going until he ran out of steam.

  Leslie called him the Conjunction King.

  Felix considered it a compliment.

  The kids went on to regale her with some of the more humorous moments of her fever-induced stupor, and they all enjoyed a good laugh at her expense. While Leslie and Felix talked, Jake sat quietly and smiled, looking content and at peace in the moment. Finally, he stood up, interrupting yet another tale of Nora talking in her sleep.

  “Would you like some tea?” he asked her.

  “Oh, Jake,” she shook her head. “I don’t know if I ever want tea again. I would love to go sit outside in the sunshine and have some coffee, though. Is there any left from this morning?”

  “I’ll put on a fresh pot. I have some work I need to finish up, so you kids take your mom out to the back yard and treat her gently. No tether ball competitions today, Nora, you hear?”

  “Yes sir!” She grinned and nodded.

  ~ ~ ~

  By evening, Nora was back in bed with a low-grade fever and a nagging headache. She didn’t feel horribly, but she had to admit that perhaps she had pushed things a little too quickly. That afternoon, she pulled the dirty sheets off the bed herself, not wanting anyone else needlessly exposed to her germs, and put everything directly into the washing machine. Felix dutifully and generously doused the room with antibacterial spray, while Leslie opened the windows and turned the ceiling fan on high. After an hour or two, Nora realized she was running out of steam, so while Leslie and Jake put clean sheets on the bed, she made herself a piece of toast with peanut butter. It was delicious, but her stomach wasn’t used to digesting anything solid and balked. She kept it all down, but only by sheer will power.

  Jake insisted that she stay at the house until she was well. She resisted briefly, but only out of a sense of obligation rather than a desire to go back to the cottage alone. She wanted her own bed, their bed, and as she lay shivering in the darkened room, she realized that she wanted Jake there with her. She wanted to feel his arms around her, pulling her snugly up against him, whispering that he loved her one last time before drifting off to sleep.

  Tears began to fall as she thought about all the things she suddenly wanted. She wanted her marriage to be fixed, she wanted her children to no longer look at them with eyes full of questions, she wanted her heart to stop hurting when she thought about this last year.

  When Jake slipped in to check on her once more before going to bed himself, she somehow worked up the courage to whisper his name.

  “Sorry,” he murmured from the end of the bed. “I didn’t mean to disturb you. I’m calling it a night. Do you need anything before I crash?” The light from the hallway was enough for him to see his way around, and he was trying so hard not to make any noise.

  “You didn’t disturb me; I was awake already.” She was still whispering, so he moved around to stand on his side of the bed, and leaned over the bed toward her. It was almost as though he was intentionally keeping some distance between them, and she wondered if he was feeling drawn to her, too. She turned onto her side so she didn’t have to look directly up at him, and reached out for his hand where it rested on the mattress. The words she used were his from just a week ago. “Stay here tonight, Jake. I want you to stay.”

  He stood so still for so long that Nora began to dread his response. Finally he turned and walked out, leaving her alone in the shadows, her pulse racing, distraught and embarrassed, her stomach flip-flopping for reasons that had no
thing to do with the flu. Why on earth had she put them both in such an awkward situation? Why must she be so selfish? Of course he didn’t want to stay with her! For one thing, she was still sick, and he certainly didn’t want what she had. For another thing, she was making plans to leave him, so her request was selfish and unfair.

  Jake returned carrying his pillow and blanket and the glass of water he always kept at his bedside. After warning her to shield her eyes, he switched on the lamp on his nightstand just long enough to get situated for the night. Before turning it off, he glanced over at her and grinned. Then the light blinked out.

  “Slide over here, Sicko. You’re shivering.” He eased an arm under her shoulders as she turned toward him, and put his hand on her head where it rested on his shoulder. When he felt the dampness from her tears, he asked if she needed a tissue.

  “No. I’m okay now. I just thought… I just figured….” Now she was embarrassed. “Never mind. I’m glad you’re here.”

  Jake laughed quietly. “Did you really think I’d say no to sleeping in my own bed? That couch is comfortable enough for a nap, or even an emergency, but given the choice, I’ll take the bed any time, hands down.” He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her carefully. “Especially since you’re in it, Nora.”

  She sniffled and sighed contentedly, her eyes, heavy with fatigue, finally closing. She was beginning to drift when he spoke again; barely a whisper. Maybe she imagined it.

  “Do you still love me, Nora?”

  29

  Jake lay listening to her breathing, waiting for an answer, then sighed when he realized he wouldn’t get one. She obviously hadn’t heard him before she drifted off, or she simply wasn’t ready for that question.

  But he wanted an answer. He needed one as he lay there in the dark, holding his wife the way he used to when he didn’t have to ask her if she loved him.

  How sweet this was, being here with her, but how messy, how muddy, how uncertain. He knew tomorrow was coming just as it always did, and he knew the stark reality of day would completely unmask the slippery promises of night. He knew she’d soon be too well to put off making decisions about their future. He didn’t want to think about tomorrow; only now, this moment, with her in his arms where she belonged.

  He’d met with Pastor Rob a week ago, before asking Nora if she’d go with him. The man had agreed that it would be best if she came, too, to go ahead and ask her to join them, but for Jake not to get his hopes up.

  “You need to understand something. Nora isn’t firing off a warning shot. She’s been doing that for years. Son, this is the real thing. Your marriage probably won’t survive this cannon blast.”

  The pastor leaned forward in his seat and put a hand on Jake’s knee. “Your job now is not to try to win the battle. Your job is to get home alive. That means getting on your knees, Jake. That means working on you. You need to stop worrying about her, stop asking questions, stop wondering if she’ll stay or go, and you need to get back to the dock where you can be rebuilt and restored by the Master Shipbuilder. You have to let Nora go.”

  Jake shook his head, resistant to what he was hearing. “But how am I supposed to just accept all of this? How could she do this to us? She doesn’t even act like she’s done anything wrong. In fact, she makes me feel like this is my fault!”

  “This is exactly what I’m talking about. You are wasting time trying to figure out how to change her, how to make sense of the way she thinks and behaves. All you can do is choose to change you, and you must let the Lord do that, because you, Jake, will fail miserably.”

  “But I’m not the one out there screwing around, she is! She’s the one that needs to change, not me. The least she could do is acknowledge what she’s done. She won’t even talk to me about it! She won’t tell me anything about him. I want to know why. I want to know what was so wonderful about this guy that was worth destroying our family for. I want to know!” Jake beat a fist on his chest to emphasize his point.

  Pastor Rob was silent for several moments while Jake’s words tumbled in the air between them, and the longer no one spoke, the more petulant the words sounded. Jake hung his head and asked again, his voice cracking with vulnerability. “Don’t I deserve to know what I’m up against?”

  “It wouldn’t change anything. It still happened. You’re still where you are today, no matter what this guy looks like, sounds like, acts like, no matter what they did together, and no matter why. You can’t change any of that, or any of Nora’s part in it. All you can do is change you today, and you tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. If Nora chooses to come back, then we can talk about what you can expect from her, and what she can expect from you. Until then, you can only work on you.”

  “Argh! That just doesn’t seem fair! Besides, what if I don’t want her back?” Jake knew he sounded childish, but the man was making unrealistic demands on him.

  “Do you want your wife to come home, Jake?” Pastor Rob cut right to the chase.

  “Actually, no. Yes. Not really, not the way she is now.” He paused for a moment, then his shoulders fell. “I don’t know. I think I do.”

  “Then you need to work on becoming someone she wants to come home to. You need to get back to the Shipbuilder and have him restore you, put you back together with new parts. That’s the only way to get through this, do you hear?”

  “How do I do that?” Jake felt beat up, knocked down, and overwhelmed.

  “I have four rules you must follow. Only four, but they’re tough.” He said it like he thought Jake might not be man enough to handle them.

  “What are they?” Jake asked sullenly.

  “Rule Number One. You ready?” Jake nodded. “Pray. Start on your knees. Get up in the morning, and before you do anything else, get on your knees and pray. Ask God to direct your footsteps, your hands, your mouth. Do it in secret, not where everyone can see you, but in private, where you can speak freely and openly with God. And when you pray, don’t complain about Nora. In fact, don’t mention her at all except to pray blessing over her. No exceptions. Can you do that?”

  “No.” He thought it was a stupid rule. He couldn’t even talk to God about Nora’s betrayal?

  “Good.” Pastor Rob continued as though Jake had readily agreed. “Because they only get harder. Second rule. No sex.”

  “What?” Jake sat up a little straighter.

  “No sex. No sex with Nora, or anyone else for that matter. This is not a competition, and her unfaithfulness does not give you permission to go and do the same. No masturbation. No pornography. No sex of any kind.”

  “I don’t want to be with her anyway. She disgusts me.”

  Pastor Rob nodded noncommittally, then continued. “Number Three. Get—”

  “Wait a minute,” Jake interrupted, holding up a hand. The pastor nodded patiently, as though he’d expected Jake to argue. “For how long?”

  “For how long what?” Pastor Rob raised his eyebrows.

  “How long? How long do I have to deprive myself of sex?” Jake wasn’t so sure he was okay with Rule Number Two after all. “And what about Nora? Does she have to go without, too?”

  “Deprive yourself, Jake?” Rob’s voice was quiet, but there was no criticism or rebuke in his tone. Jake heard how self-serving and ugly it sounded anyway. “Are you sleeping with her now?”

  “No.” Jake looked down at his hands. “No,” he said again, shaking his head.

  “Have you slept with her since finding out about her affair?”

  “No,” he responded too quickly, then admitted the truth. “Well, actually, yes. A few times. But it’s been a while since the last time.” He didn’t meet the pastor’s eyes. “It was just…just release, you know? Sexual tension. It wasn’t because I wanted her.”

  “Did you force her to have sex with you? Manipulate her in any way? Punish her? Rape her?”

  “No! No way! I’m not that kind of a guy! I would never do that to anyone, especially not my wife!” Jake felt the flush creep
up his torso, and his heart began to race. What would make him ask a question like that? Had Nora talked to him already?

  “I see. So let me get this straight.” Pastor Rob pressed his fingertips together, and pursed his lips as if contemplating some universal mystery. “You used your wife’s body for self-gratification, even though she disgusts you, but you aren’t the kind of guy who would rape her. I don’t know, Jake.” He shook his head, not convinced. “It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. But then, that’s why I’m giving you Rule Number Two. When it comes to sex, it is impossible to not get it tangled up with emotions, especially betrayal and anger. A man’s anger can blind him, particularly to his own actions. I wonder what Nora would answer if I asked her the same question.”

  Jake had nothing to say, but tried anyway. “Go ahead and ask her. I don’t care. I don’t rape.” He only ended up embarrassing himself.

  Pastor Rob held up both hands to make Jake stop speaking. “You don’t have to defend yourself, Jake. I’m not asking for that. I’m asking you to commit to taking sex out of the relationship for a while so you can look at what’s left over a little more objectively. Let’s agree on one month, okay? Four weeks, can you do that?”

  “Four weeks?” Jake grimaced. It had only been two months since learning of her affair, and he found his body reacting to her all the time. He tried to convince himself that he was repulsed by her, and when he thought about the whole situation, he was. Even so, his revulsion rarely overruled his physical desire for her. Then he ended up disgusted with himself, too.

  “Four weeks. And then we determine if you need to go longer.”

  “I’m not sure I understand why, though. She’s my wife. The Bible says her body is mine, and mine is hers, and that we’re supposed to give them to each other so we don’t get tempted into sin.”