Waters Fall

by Becky Doughty

  Nora shook her head, but he wouldn’t let her speak. “No. I need you to listen to me. I have been the worst kind of man, Nora. Even as I put you on a pedestal, it was because I didn’t want the responsibility of taking care of anyone but me and my needs and my desires. Then I lashed out at you in the cruelest of ways, because you didn’t want a selfish man like me.” He closed his eyes briefly, then opened them again, wanting her to see into his heart. “I’m sorry for the things I’ve said to you, the horrible names I’ve called you, even for some of the things I’ve thought about you. You are my beauty,” he repeated. “I don’t want you to doubt that, ever again. Can you forgive me?” He paused and waited for her response.

  “Yes.” It was only a whisper, but he needed to hear it before he went on.

  “And I’m sorry for all those years I drank and acted so selfishly. I know for a fact that I’ve never really apologized for that. I’m sorry for not being the kind of man you could count on, depend on. I think I had myself convinced that the alcohol was my battle, and the decision to quit drinking was my gift to you, like it was some noble act.” He took a deep breath, noticing that her eyes widened as he spoke. “I pompously believed I was sacrificing my desires for you, and that you should be grateful. Can you believe that? I never felt I needed to be remorseful or repentant for those years; I excused my behavior, blaming it on the drink.”

  He shook his head and swallowed the lump in his throat. Saying these words—finally—felt so different than what he’d feared. So empowering.

  “And then last October. Oh Nora, I’m so sorry about going out like that. It was my pride, you know? And now I see that my pride nearly destroyed us. Will you forgive me for those wasted years, Nora, and for that horrible night?”

  She was silent, but the way she chewed on her lip made him think she wanted to say something.

  “What is it?”

  “Your waitress.” It came out just above a whisper, her voice breaking over the next words. “I…I don’t even have the right to ask this, but what about your waitress? Are you—were you…with her?”

  Jake sighed heavily, and closed his eyes, suddenly putting two and two together. “Oh Nora. No.” He hesitated, then forged ahead, determined to be honest and honorable. “But not for lack of trying.” He opened his eyes again and looked at her, still holding her face before him. “I wish I could undo it. I wish I could go back and choose differently. I wish I could go back fifteen years, twenty years, and choose differently.” He paused. “Is that why you were with… because of me… because of her?”

  It was obvious she knew what he was talking about, and she seemed a little taken aback by his question. “No, Jake. No! I didn’t intentionally go out looking. It wasn’t about revenge. I just got blindsided at the wrong time, and I was in the wrong place, in the wrong frame of mind. Then I said ‘yes’ when I should have said ‘no’ and I knew it. And I’m sorry.”

  He couldn’t believe they were having this conversation. It was killing him, but it was like debriding a wound, the cleaning out of things that wanted to fester if they let them.

  “Did you love him?” He knew he shouldn’t ask, but his self-control was weakening. He was desperately trying to locate his spiritual claymore, but it wasn’t happening fast enough to keep up. Part of him wanted her to just pull him close and tell him it was all a bad dream, that they were going to wake up and it would all disappear. But the other part of him needed to know the truth.

  She dropped her eyes and he let go of her face, sliding his hands down her arms until they were just holding hands again. He wondered, too late, if his question would destroy the fragile bridge they’d been working so hard to build between them. “At the time, I thought I did, but I was so blinded by my selfishness and anger. I totally understand what you were saying about the whole quitting drinking thing. I felt that way about this. That you should be grateful I’d done the right thing. But the thing is, it wasn’t right for me to say yes to him in the first place.”

  Could he live with that? He tipped his head back and closed his eyes. Was that enough to build a future on? Well, at least she was being honest with him, and honesty, yes, honesty he could work with. He took a deep breath and pulled her close. He couldn’t look at her, not yet.

  “Do you love me?” She hadn’t said that she did; not here, today, in this conversation, and he needed to hear her say it.

  This time, she pulled back and waited for his eyes to meet hers. Her gaze was wide, steady, sure. “I do, Jake. I love you.”

  His breath caught, and he crushed her to him, holding her tightly until his heart began beating again. This, right here, this woman, this wife, he could live with. This was where their future would begin.

  “I love you, Jake.” Nora’s voice trembled as she said it again, but there was a certainty in her tone that made him even braver. He straightened, and turned her around so she was sitting in his chair. Then he knelt down in front of her.

  “I promise to always fight for you, Nora. I promise to always fight for us. Because I love you.”

  She was crying again, tears that made him want to celebrate, and he laid his head down on her lap, peace and joy filling him, body and soul.

  37

  The bags were packed and sitting in the driveway, waiting to be loaded in the back of Jake’s truck. The morning was nearly over, and they still had a six-hour drive ahead of them to their favorite campsite at Kennedy Meadows. It was much later in the season than they usually went, but with the longer days, they’d have plenty of time to set up camp. They might even get to take a dip in the river before the sun dropped below the mountain peaks, making the water too chilly to enjoy.

  Nora stood at the sink filling water bottles, and she smiled as she considered the trip ahead of them. It would be difficult sharing an air mattress with the man to whom she was married, but not because she didn’t want to. In fact, she was looking forward to the challenge of keeping each other warm without breaking their commitment to abstinence. They had plans to spend a few days away together the following week, so they could rediscover that part of their relationship, but for now, they were like teenagers again, longing for something just out of reach.

  They’d both met with Pastor Rob a little over a week ago. His eyes glistened with unshed tears as he said how pleased he was to see them there together. “This isn’t usually the way these things end, my friends. I’m so proud of you for choosing to stay together, for committing to putting this marriage back together God’s way.” He spoke openly and honestly about the ups and downs of the journey that lay ahead of them, not focusing on the past, but on how to move into the new season together. Some of what he said made her want to bury her head in the sand, but because of his gracious and gentle spirit, she came away from their session feeling better equipped, and with anticipation for the future.

  It wasn’t always easy. In fact, there were days, just as Pastor Rob promised, when it was excruciatingly painful, when one of them would go under, awash with memories, or shame, or questions that had no answers. When fear and doubt would seep in through the cracks in every door and window. But they were learning how to process through those days, and how to move to the other side of them, too.

  They were being careful. They continued to meet with Pastor Rob and Vicky independently of each other. Nora still stayed at the cottage most nights. Not only did it make abstinence easier, but it also gave them the time they needed to work on things individually. But Vicky was beginning to challenge Nora’s decision to stay there.

  “I think the cottage is in jeopardy of becoming one of those in-between places, Nora. I think it’s time to start making plans to move back home. I want you and Jake to talk about it while you’re away, and when you come back to see me, I’d like you to have a moving date set, okay?”

  Nora began reading her Bible again, and was drawn back to some of the familiar scriptures from her childhood, many of them put to music. She found herself singing all the time these days; one of her favorite
s was a song right out of the Psalms. “Create in me a clean heart, Oh God.”

  Nora was drawn to her husband anew, too. She ached for him in every way. She loved looking up to catch him watching her, pride and peace, instead of fear in his eyes. She loved coming home to find him busy with the children, or bent over his own work, instead of leaping up to smother her with his need. She loved the evenings when she was home before him, and seeing his face when he walked in the front door, smiling and content to find his family whole.

  Church was a bridge they’d yet to cross, but she knew they’d eventually go back. Still no one had contacted them about their absence, and Nora realized it was possible that no one had really noticed. It wasn’t that no one cared, she had to believe, but perhaps because their lives were just as difficult as hers.

  And now, as she closed the lid on the old red and white cooler, she couldn’t wait to get to Kennedy Meadows again, hoping they’d be lucky enough to get their favorite spot, to hike up to Anderson Hollow again, maybe catch a fish or two with the kids. She smiled as the image of her husband bending over to build the fire, the light flickering off the rugged planes of his face, wandered through her mind. She couldn’t wait until the end of the day, when they cocooned themselves together on their blanket under the stars, his voice making her body sing as he whispered sweet promises of tomorrow.

  It was always her favorite part about camping.

  ~ ~ ~

  They stood in a row on the stream bank, staring at the place they hardly recognized as Anderson Hollow. The falls was little more than an overflow spilling off the top of the stacked boulders. The pool itself was calm, clear enough that they could easily make out the tumbled rocks lining the bottom, and the water level was much lower than in May, leaving more of the sandy slope exposed where they could spread their towels and other gear.

  The kids reacted with delight. “Mom! I’m not afraid of that old waterfall now,” Felix declared. “I can probably swim right under it.”

  “Well, maybe you should let one of the adults try that first, okay?” She wasn’t really worried, mainly because she didn’t think Felix would actually do it without supervision. Although he was remarkably brave when he had to be, he took his time with things, and he wasn’t impulsive by nature.

  “You won’t even get dragged under now, Mom,” he declared, patting her arm reassuringly. Thoughts of the last time they were here, and how she’d taken the game they were playing too far, had plagued her the whole hike up. She’d scared them all, including herself, but something in her still stirred its wild head at the memory. She felt the pull even now, as she watched the sunlight dancing on the surface of the pool, and it had her feeling unsettled and a little afraid to go in, in spite of how peaceful it all seemed.

  She shook her head slightly and turned toward Leslie, who stared at the falls in a calculating way. “What are you thinking, Les?”

  “Is it just me, or does it look like there’s a cave back there?” Her daughter didn’t point with her finger—pointing was too uncool—but her eyes never left the thin sheet of water falling into the pool. “I think we should explore.”

  Nora stared hard at the falls, too, not sure she was seeing what Les saw, but Jake immediately agreed that they should check it out. “Maybe we’ll find treasure back there. Mountain pirates; ever heard of them?”

  “Daaaad.” Leslie spun the word out into about four syllables and flicked him in the arm.

  Jake reached down and scooped a handful of water up, splashing his daughter from head to toe, dousing Nora in the process.

  “Jake!” she screeched, then splashed him back.

  “Oooooh, you’re in trouble now, Dad. And I’m outta here!” Felix scrambled up onto one of the large rocks at the edge of the pool to get out of the way. But Leslie, already soaked, stayed in the thick of things long enough to give her father a shove that landed him on his backside in two feet of water.

  He yelped from the cold, but when Nora, laughing and shivering, reached out to offer him a hand up, he pulled her down beside him. Leslie ran free of the melee and crawled up on the rock to perch next to Felix.

  When Nora tried to get up, Jake wouldn’t let her, instead drawing her out deeper to where the water was up to his chest. She clung to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, trying to absorb some of the heat from his body, still warm from hiking in the sun. He slid his arms around her, pulling her against him.

  “I saw you thinking about this,” he murmured near her ear, his breath warm on her cheek.

  “About what? You dragging me to my icy death?”

  “About going under.”

  Nora stiffened. How did he know?

  “But you’re not going under without me, Nor. Are you ready?”

  “What? No!” But she saw his intent just in time to close her eyes and take a deep breath in before he pulled her down below the surface with him, his arms still around her.

  It was so cold it made her bones ache. But when she opened her eyes, it was to find Jake watching her, bubbles seeping slowly from his nose above his playful grin. Then he crossed his eyes and she kicked away from him, bursting up out of the water laughing. He was right beside her.

  They turned and smiled at the kids. Felix was still up on the rock, a goofy grin on his face as he watched them, and Les was gathering tall grasses for raft-building, acting as though she wasn’t watching them.

  “I think we should always come here at the end of summer,” Felix called to them. “It’s like a different place! This is so cool!”

  Jake held Nora loosely, her back up against his chest, her body beginning to adjust to the cold. He spoke first. “Really? But the fishing is better in May, you know. We’re going to be lucky to get the left-overs this late in the season.”

  Leslie paused in her gathering and tipped her head to the side to study her parents. “We won’t know that until we try, Dad. But I think Felix is right. It feels different somehow. Not so out of control, I guess. I like it, too.”

  Nora considered the significance of her daughter’s words. That was exactly how she’d felt last year; like everything was out of control in her life, and this place had resonated with the same thing. The waterfall was a rushing torrent in May, launching itself off the ledge and churning up the pool below; roaring and chaotic, stunning and powerful; but unleashed, sweeping everything in its path along with it.

  “In May, the snow is melting off the peaks and filling this stream to overflowing, flushing it out, clearing out the debris that’s collected in the fall and winter months. New tributaries are forming, banks are being reshaped, pools are filling, even where there weren’t pools before. May up here is a time of change and growth. It’s good and necessary.” Jake tried to explain, but Leslie shook her head.

  “I understand that, Dad. I know the different seasons have their purposes. But maybe it’s just not the best time to go in the water, you know? When things are out of control? I mean, I know you didn’t really get dragged under last year, Mom, but you did drift all the way across the pool from us without even realizing it.”

  Nora nodded slightly, moved by the teenager’s insight. “Yes, I was pretty shocked when I finally came up for air and saw how far I was from you. I’m sorry I scared you.” Jake’s arm around her middle tightened, acknowledging everything she didn’t put into words.

  “I like it when the waters fall like that,” Felix stated, pointing beyond his parents. “The pool isn’t all dark and creepy anymore. I’m not afraid of it now.”

  Once again, Jake dashed his hand in the water, this time sending the spray up onto the rock where his son still perched. “Well, what are you waiting for, then? Get in here, you two. Let’s go hunt treasure together!”

  THE NEW BEGINNING

  You would bless me greatly if you would post a review of WATERS FALL on Amazon. I learn so much about my stories from my readers.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Marriage. What a beautiful, potentially treacherous gift. Thank you,
readers, for walking through Jake and Nora’s story. I pray you came away with hope.

  My dragon slayer, my champion, my husband, thank you for carrying this story when I wanted only to drop it.

  You have the most beautiful arms.

  Thank you to my wonderful team - each of you are such a huge part of this book and of my heart.

  About The Author

  Becky Doughty writes about people who live on the edge;

  that fine line where hope and despair meet,

  where grace becomes truly amazing.

  Becky is married to her champion of 25-plus years. They have three children, two of whom are starting families of their own. They all live within a few miles of each other in Southern California.

  They share their lives with too many animals, a large vegetable garden, and a strange underground concrete room they're determined was built for dark and sinister purposes.…

  www.BeckyDoughty.com

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