Pas de deux

by E. J. Noyes

  It was more than just a confirmation of my opinion. I had to be absolutely sure that my feelings for Caitlyn hadn’t caused unintended bias. If there was any unconscious part of myself that had allowed feelings for her to influence my decision then I may as well hang my vetting hat up for good.

  “Of course.” He picked up his mug and stood, stretching his back. “He’s up for clearance to compete isn’t he?” There were few secrets around here.

  “Mhmm. And you know about my fractured pelvis case, right?”

  “I do. You must have some bad juju if you’ve had both a core team horse and the reserve horse go down.”

  “Thanks,” I said dryly. As if I didn’t know that not getting Dewey right would not only ruin Caitlyn’s dream but the team’s medal chances. Though up to four combinations were able to compete for a country, only the top three scores counted. Without Caitlyn’s score—which would undoubtedly be the highest on the team—they would be unable to drop the lowest score from the team’s combined Grand Prix and Grand Prix Special. And the average scores from the other riders wouldn’t be good enough to put the USA in contention for a medal. “Based on everything I’m seeing, I’m going to declare Dewey fit. I discharged him back to his stall this morning and I just need to make sure I’m not missing anything. A second opinion is always helpful.” I passed James my tablet. “I have to be absolutely sure before I sign off. And I want to test blood and urine for prohibited substances. We’ll have results before competition starts.”

  Nervousness snaked through my body as I said those words. I held someone’s dream in my hand, someone I was in love with, and it felt awful.

  Shit. Someone I was in love with? Note to self: unpack that later.

  James grinned. “Consider your buttocks covered.” He took the iPad and skimmed through the latest results and vitals. “On paper he looks fine and you already know I agree with your treatment and the drug threshold times. It says here they worked him this morning under saddle?”

  “Yeah. Fifteen minutes and he performed all the movements needed for a Grand Prix test, albeit not quite to his super-high usual standard, according to his groom. Both rider and groom were certain he looked and felt fine, if not a little sluggish, which I’d expect given the stress of the last few days. It’s not something I’m concerned about at this stage. I checked him before and after and watched him work. Seemed bright, happy within himself and happy to work.”

  “Based on all that, I’d declare him fit. But let me examine him, and then we’ve covered every base.”

  “Good call. Thanks.”

  “When we’re done today you need to go home and sleep. You look like shit and I’m sick of seeing you scuttling around here when you should be home.” He held up both hands when I opened my mouth to protest. “I’ve watched you cuddling that horse and I know you’re crazy about him, but we can handle anything that comes up. If I’m worried, I’ll call you.”

  Crazy about both horse and rider was more like it.

  Dewey’s stall was occupied by both Caitlyn and Wren, grooming him and taking off his ice boots respectively. I knocked on the lower stall door, startling the humans but not the horse who vocalized how happy he was to see me. Wren stood from where she’d been crouching by Dewey’s hind leg, rested a hand on his butt and offered a wave with the other. Caitlyn’s face drained of color as she took in both me and James. “Hi,” she managed, her voice barely audible.

  Despite her aloofness over the last few days, my smile was automatic, as if my face couldn’t help itself when I saw her. Stupid independent face. “Hey, this is Doctor James Parker. Mind if we check the patient?”

  Caitlyn’s nod was overly enthusiastic, as if she’d had to remind herself to be polite and had misjudged her intensity. “Sure thing.”

  James and I slipped into the stall and I offered Dewey first a carrot then a neck scratch before I checked his feed and water containers. Eating and drinking as normal. Excellent start. Wren had unobtrusively removed the last of his ice boots and moved into the corner of the stall out of the way. Four people and a huge horse didn’t leave much room for maneuvering.

  Caitlyn hugged herself around the middle, and I had to force myself to keep my distance. Every cell in my body wanted to be near her, to touch her and comfort her and tell her it was all fine, just a checkup. Dewey snuffled my shirt pocket and I took his nose in my hands and kissed his little black dot. “Behave yourself.”

  Once James started his examination, I shuffled fractionally closer to Caitlyn. Wren was watching on, and I made sure to speak to both of them. “Everything looks normal, but I’ve asked James to confirm, okay? That’s all this is, just a final check. I promise.”

  Wren nodded amicably.

  Caitlyn exhaled, “Okay. Is he cleared?”

  “Almost.” My most reassuring smile didn’t seem to reassure her.

  While James checked Dewey over I studied every piece of the horse, trying to see anything that might be out of place. Swelling. A lump. A missed breath. If I screwed this up it would be a disaster on all levels.

  After an eternity, James pulled his stethoscope from his ears. “Can’t fault him. And if he’s working well then I’m happy to cosign him as fit for competition.”

  Behind me, I heard Caitlyn’s exhalation, and Wren’s murmured, “Thank fuck.”

  Though I’d known deep-down that my assessment was correct, the relief of having another veterinarian confirm it made me feel like I’d just discovered a new periodic element. “Great.” I turned to Caitlyn and Wren. “Excellent news. Looks like it’s full steam ahead. I’m going to take blood and urine samples tomorrow morning to make sure everything is out of his system.”

  Caitlyn’s expression had turned to a curious mix of relief and something that seemed a whole lot like embarrassment. She nodded, and eventually whispered a shaky, “Thank you.”

  I pulled James backward a step, away from Dewey’s inquisitive mouth. “I’ll get your signature on the clearance paperwork too if you don’t mind? I’ll come find you before I submit it.”

  “Sounds good.” James patted Dewey and said his goodbyes.

  I leaned my forehead against the horse’s neck and he turned his head in his adorable way to press his cheek against my back, like an equine cuddle. When I felt his lips playing with the shirt at the small of my back, I laughed and disengaged myself. “I’ll be here first thing tomorrow morning to get those samples, but if anything seems off from now on, let me know right away no matter the time of day or night.”

  “We will,” Caitlyn and Wren answered together.

  Caitlyn let out an indistinguishable sound as if a prelude to saying something and I gave her my attention. But she was silent. She looked like she wanted to speak but I had no idea if it was something she couldn’t or wouldn’t say in front of Wren, or if it she’d decided she didn’t want to express it after all. I fought the urge to wilt. “Okay then. Catch you both later.”

  As I walked away I was pretty sure I heard Wren hiss, “You are such an idiot!”

  By the time I’d filled in Dewey’s paperwork, had James sign it and hand delivered it—because screw that super important thing being lost somewhere—it was almost seven p.m. I was beyond tired and hungry and should have been back at my apartment, showered and sitting at the tiny table eating whatever I’d managed to get delivered while going over the day to make sure I’d recorded everything from a temp check to extra electrolytes administered.

  As I approached the gates to flag down a car, from behind me came Caitlyn’s voice. “Addie!”

  My heart sank and soared all at once. Thankfully she sounded far enough away that I had a few seconds to compose myself. I turned back and waited for her to approach. The moment I faced her, Caitlyn broke into a jog and the moment she was in my personal space, she blurted, “Hey. I’ve been waiting for you.”

  “Hey yourself.”

  “So…how are you?”

  “Delightful.”

  “Great.” She scratche
d the side of her neck. “I was just wondering if we could talk? Back at your apartment? Alone?”

  “I thought we weren’t allowed to talk unless it was about Dewey. And on that topic, there’s nothin’ more I can tell you.”

  “Addie…”

  “What?” I snapped. The moment I dropped my guard and let my frustration free, the rest of it fell out in a tangled, angry mess. “What do you want? Because I honestly can’t handle being your whippin’ girl right now. I have been out here advocating for you and your horse from the moment he got sick. I’ve had more meetings with Mary and Ian than I’d care to, and I’ve been practically on hands and knees asking them to just let me do my job and get your horse well so that you can compete. I have spent hours beggin’ them to give me the time to get Dewey right so you could hold your place in the team. Just a few more days, that I was confident he’d come good, that it’d go as planned. Because not only do I know how important you are to the team’s medal chances but I know how important this is to you. And I did all that despite how you’ve been treatin’ me because that is my fucking job, Caitlyn. I have put every ounce of professional and personal integrity on the line for you and you couldn’t even extend me the courtesy of at least pretendin’ to be nice. And you know the worst part of it? I don’t even know what I did to deserve that reaction from you. I am completely fucking stumped.”

  She wilted. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ve not handled this well at all.”

  “No you haven’t,” I agreed. “So what is it? Lookin’ for a booty call? Happy that I cleared him so you’re rewarding me?” I hadn’t meant to think it, let alone say it, but after days of nonstop work and emotional stress, my filters had disappeared.

  Her mouth fell open and after a long, silent pause, she muttered, “Ouch.”

  Ouch indeed. I hastened to verbalize my apologies. “I’m sorry. That was so far out of line it’s practically back in the States. I’m sorry,” I repeated. “Long and stressful few days as I’m sure you’re aware. And in more ways than one.” I raised a pointed eyebrow.

  “I know. I’d just like to talk.”

  “Me too,” I quietly admitted. My annoyance had left as quickly as it’d appeared. “Come on then, let’s talk.”

  The twenty-minute ride to my apartment was silent and awkward which wasn’t helped by the fact the driver was a rare one who didn’t engage in conversation. With both of us in the backseat on our phones ignoring each other, it felt like the end of a bad first date. I had a clump of work emails, most of them patient updates. Then there was Eric’s blunt email telling me that my septic premature foal from a few months back, who’d rallied and was doing great, had colicked badly and been euthanized. Things just got better and better.

  The moment I’d locked the door behind us, I threw my things onto a chair. “I’m just going to shower. I’ve been living on coffee and adrenaline today and I’m sure I smell exactly like that.”

  “You smell great,” she quietly said. “The same as you always do.”

  I pushed aside her compliment. “Have you eaten dinner?”

  “Not yet.”

  “Sorry, I’m not cooking while I’m here so all I’ve got is limited snacks and alcohol. I’d kill for pizza if that’s okay with you?”

  “Sure.”

  “Great. There’s a menu on the fridge for a great place that also speaks English. Any kind is fine with me.”

  I slipped into the bathroom and could hear her unintelligible words as I washed grime from my skin. After a minute or two there was a knock on the bathroom door before she called something that sounded like my name. I called back, “Yeah?”

  Caitlyn’s response was muffled by both water and a closed door.

  “What was that? Sorry I can’t hear you.”

  The door opened, then quickly closed partway again when Caitlyn seemed to register that from the doorway she had a direct line of sight to me in the shower. Her words floated through the crack in the door and sounded more than a little hoarse. “They’re busy and delivery won’t be for an hour. Is that okay or did you want to get something else? Or go out?”

  Even if we hadn’t been expressly warned to not go anywhere except our accommodation and the competition venue, the last thing I felt like doing was wandering the streets of a strange city at night, especially hungry and tired. “That’s fine, I can wait. I might just have to eat a doorknob in the meantime.”

  A soft laugh. “Okay then.”

  I finished up in the shower and discovered midway through toweling myself dry that I hadn’t brought in any clean clothes. I was really not used to company. Right. Mad towel dash it is. Caitlyn looked up from her phone screen. She didn’t avert her gaze but she wasn’t being a letch about my almost nudity either.

  “This is not an intentional ploy, I promise, like oh my goodness whoops where did my clothes go,” I said as I crab-walked to my room, trying to angle myself in such a way that all my bits were covered by the tiny bath towel. Not that I was worried about her seeing me naked, obviously, but right now didn’t feel like a great time. “I’m used to it being only me here.”

  “It’s fine,” she said quickly. “I’ll…leave you to it.”

  She tried to hide it, but the heat in her gaze was as bold as it had been the night we’d first slept together. I closed the bedroom door and dressed before I did something stupid. Feeling almost human for the first time all day, I took a few slow breaths to center myself before I left the bedroom. Caitlyn had settled at the small table with a bottle of Aura Lager, which she tilted toward me. “I stole one of your beers. Hope you don’t mind.”

  “Not at all. My beers are your beers.” I sat opposite. “We’ve got a little time before dinner. Do you want to talk now or wait ’til we’ve eaten?”

  Caitlyn seemed to shrink in on herself, as if trying to hide from something or holding something in. She swallowed nervously, then swigged a mouthful of beer. After an eternity, she said, “Addie.”

  “Yes?”

  It took her long moments before she spoke again, her voice tremulous and cracking. “I’m sorry. I’ve screwed up. And it’s because of this thing between us. I’m a goddamned walking contradiction, say one thing and do the other. And I feel so guilty. I have one job, just one. I need to put Dewey’s needs above mine and I didn’t do that.” She rubbed a hand over her face. “Everything is different here and I’m finding it so hard to get into my groove. I just feel like I’m handling everything wrong.”

  “How so?”

  “I should have been there earlier that morning and maybe I would have seen he wasn’t feeling well. And we could have done something sooner. But I was tired after spending the night with you, so I slept a little longer, and…”

  The science of “If I’d only…” was one I knew well, and there was very little that helped with that awful feeling of having messed up, even if the feeling wasn’t justified. “Caitlyn, being there a little earlier would have made no difference. What happened, just happened. It’s nobody’s fault.”

  “I know that deep down, I know. It’s just—” The rest of the words tumbled over each other. “I’m so sorry for treating you like that. I didn’t know how to act, I didn’t know what to say and the whole time I kept asking myself why I was behaving like this. I’m so good at setting things aside, but no matter how I tried I couldn’t do it this time. I kept thinking of how hard it must be for you to have both sides of the coin, Vet Addie and Slept-with-Me Addie. I think…I think I thought if I just backed away then maybe I might be able to get some clarity and maybe not having me around would make it easier for you too.” Her hands worked nervously. “Because it was hard for me as rider and owner and person who’s—” She broke off abruptly, and never resumed, leaving me to pick up the conversation.

  I exhaled, trying to unravel what she’d just admitted. “Okay. Well that makes sense and honestly feels a whole lot better than just you freaking out about what we’d done and never wanting to talk to me outside of my job. But it still
hurt. And while I appreciate the thought you obviously put into your approach, and the care that was behind your decision, it’s not for you to decide how I’m going to respond, Caitlyn. I’ve spent my life compartmentalizing my job and my personal life. I’m pretty good at it now.” I laughed dryly and added, “Except with you, as I discovered.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You said you have one job and you didn’t do it? I did exactly the same thing. When Freddo flipped over backward all I saw was you right there and from where I was it looked like he’d knocked you over. And I freaked out. Do you know what my first thought was in that moment?”

  “The horse is an idiot?”

  Laughing I agreed, “Yeah he is. But that wasn’t it. My first thought was you. The veterinarian whose sole purpose for being here is to look after the horses didn’t think about the horse. She thought about you. And then my focus snapped to the horse. But when I got to you I forgot about him again, just for a few seconds, because I was so utterly horrified that you might have been hurt.” I shrugged. “There you have it. I guess we’re both not thinking straight.”

  She allowed herself a faint smile. “Not at all. Never have.”

  I poked her thigh. “Ha-ha. For the record, it was hard for me. The little part of me that’s falling in love with you couldn’t help thinkin’ about your feelings every time I tried to come up with solutions.”

  Her eyebrows shot up so fast I would have laughed if not for the realization of why. “Falling in love?”

  Shit to the power of infinity multiplied by a zillion. “Let’s forget that came out of my mouth.” What I’d said was true, as I’d realized earlier, but the timing could not be worse with everything swirling around us.

  “I don’t want to forget it,” she whispered. She moved closer. “I want to have it in the back of my mind, like a little happy earworm.”