She switched it off.
Seeing the moment for what it was, Xander asked, "Where is your place with him?"
Deryn sighed and sat on the bed beside him. "Just these old ruins we used to go to when we were children. West of Redwood. We liked to play hide and seek in some of the old stone buildings that were still partially intact."
Xander nodded. So that was that.
The president had given him a salve that would work to keep his wounds closed, so she took off his bandages and applied it, followed by a soothing paste she had sent Bronson to get that would cool and numb his wounds.
"Will you please tell me what happened?" she asked, lying down beside him once she was finished and gently stroking her fingers through his hair.
"It's a lie. All of it," he answered with a sniffle.
"What is?"
"The air. President Saevus showed me machines. Machines that have been around since the creation of Utopia. They ..." He gulped. "They're used to pump in air from the outside, so we can all breathe in our fucking bubble."
Deryn's hand froze in his hair. "What?"
"That's why your grandmother left when she married Hayden Leon. Because she knew. She knew and she told her husband, so they left Utopia knowing it was safe outside." And then he told her everything else. About the president's reasoning for keeping everyone trapped, about the other people who might be out there rebuilding the world.
"My dad never told me any of that," said Deryn, her eyes nearly as sad as his. "But he has to know. My grandmother must have told him at some point." She sighed. "I'm so sorry, Xander. If I'd have known -"
"It wouldn't have changed anything," he said reaching his hand out, needing to touch her in some way. "My mom still wouldn't be able to see the beach."
Deryn brought her hand out of his hair and stroked his wet cheek. "But you can. Don't you see, Xander? This is the universe telling you that you need to leave Utopia. Come with me. Please."
Staring into her sea-green eyes, Xander took a deep breath. "Deryn ... I can't. Now that he's decided I'm to be his successor, if I leave he won't stop until he hunts me down. I won't risk your life like that."
"You won't be risking my life. Together, with the Resistance, we're going to destroy that son of a bitch. Do you hear me? You will never be his successor. I won't let him drag you down any further than he already has, even if I have to kill him with my bare hands."
Xander smirked through his tears. "It's really hot when you talk like that."
"Don't get any ideas. There will be no sex of any kind until you're fully healed. Understood?"
He nodded and pushed his face forward just enough to brush his lips against hers. "I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here."
"It doesn't matter because I am here," she said, kissing him a little harder. "I love you, Xander, and I will protect you. I promise."
"I love you, too." He gave her one more soft kiss, then closed his eyes. "Could you hold my hand while we sleep?"
She smiled and reached down, interlacing her hand with his. She kept the covers low since she didn't want them irritating his back and watched him until he fell asleep, his breathing even but tears still falling from his eyes. Her heart ached for him. He had so wanted to believe that all of the bad he had done wasn't for nothing, but now that he knew the truth she didn't know what was going to happen to him. No matter what he said, she needed to get him out. Before his soul was shattered beyond repair.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Over the next few days Xander didn't do much. Seeing the state he was still in physically, President Saevus had given him permission to take more time off. He still had to attend meetings, but the president's personal car ventured all the way to Middle City to pick him up then brought him back home each day.
He spent the majority of his time sitting on the balcony, just staring up at the damn bubble they were trapped in, not even caring enough to light a cigarette. Deryn tried to sit with him but it was like he didn't even see her.
"Xander." She took his hand in hers, stroking the back of it with her thumb as she stared up at him from her spot on the ground. "Please don't do this to yourself. Come back to me."
He closed his eyes and took a breath, giving her hand a soft squeeze. "I haven't gone anywhere. I just ... I need time, Deryn. To process."
She nodded. "Alright. I'm going to the basement to do my training. Will you come down in a bit?"
"Of course."
She stood, leaned in and kissed the top of his head, relishing the scent of his soft hair for a moment. "I love you, Xander."
A soft smile spread across his lips. "I love you, too. I promise I'll be okay."
She nodded again, hurrying back inside before he could see the tears in her eyes.
Instead of heading straight down to the basement, she stopped by Bronson and Quigley's apartment first, walking right in without knocking. Both were home, Bronson making their breakfast in the kitchen while Quigley was reading one of Deryn's books on the couch.
He looked up when she entered. "How's he doing?"
"No better," she said, her words feeling heavy on her tongue.
"I'm leaving for the Black Market for you just as soon as I eat," said Bronson, poking his head out of the kitchen.
"No rush," she said, going over and sitting beside Quigley. "I wish I could go myself, but I promised Xander I wouldn't leave the apartment anymore and I really don't think this is the time to push his buttons."
"Or maybe it's exactly the time to push his buttons," said Quigley. "If he's that out of it he might not even notice you're gone."
Deryn laughed halfheartedly. "He'd know. He always knows."
"If it makes you feel any better, Luka's not doing so great either," said Bronson, hurrying out of the kitchen with a protein shake he had made for her. Their new routine before her morning workouts.
"That doesn't make me feel better," said Deryn, taking a sip, still unable to hide her hatred for the taste. "Worse, actually."
"They were raised to believe something, as ridiculous as it was, and they used that belief to justify their actions against Outsiders," said Quigley, flipping a page. "I'd be torn up too if I found out I no longer had an excuse for murder."
"Quigs! I know you're angry about Fiona, but just fucking don't, alright?" snapped Bronson.
Quigley slammed the book shut and huffed. "And what exactly am I supposed to do? I know where she is but I can't do anything! And the Guardian who always swore he'd help me isn't doing anything! He's ... he's fucking sulking over something he should've realized a long time ago. The president is a liar! He's a fucking liar and the fact that he's pumping 'toxic air' all throughout the city so us bubble people can breathe shouldn't be such a shocker!"
Deryn reached over and put her hand on his. "He and Luka are going to help Fiona, Quigley. You know they are."
"I know, it's just ..." He rubbed his free hand down his face. "That girl wearing Fiona's face the other night was so fucked in the head. The longer she's with that man the worse it's going to get."
"It won't be much longer. I promise. We just need to figure it out first."
"She has a mind control chip installed. Why don't we just go get her?"
Deryn sighed. "You know it's not that simple."
Quigley didn't agree or object.
She hugged him before finishing her drink and standing. "If I'm still downstairs when you get back, Bronson, please come get me."
"Will do, cupcake," he said as she headed out the door, not even bothering to criticize the nickname.
"Dunno why she worships him so much," said Quigley, returning to his book. "Sending you out on special errands just because he feels bad about something obvious."
"Yes, that. Not to mention the thirty-one lashes he received that she feels guilty about. He was raised to believe there is a linear way of thinking, you can't blame him for being upset."
"I can blame him for letting Fiona go back to a fucking rapist."
"No, you can't. Because if he didn't return her there'd be an investigation into why and then we'd all be fucked. Just be happy that we know where she is now."
Quigley sighed and put his book down again. "I don't feel happy about anything right now."
Bronson frowned. "I know. Maybe you should go upstairs to Xander and join the club."
"At least he has Deryn." There was a small hint of sadness, and perhaps jealousy in Quigley's eyes.
"I think that's the only reason he hasn't completely lost it," said Bronson, heading back into the kitchen. "After we eat you're going up there."
Quigley grunted but he didn't argue. He knew someone needed to make sure this depressive Xander didn't jump off the damn balcony. Not that any of them truly believed he would without getting Deryn out of Utopia first. But even the strongest people had moments of weakness.
* * * * * *
When Bronson arrived back home several hours later he went straight down to the basement. Deryn had finished her workout and was now practicing evasive techniques with Luka. She had her Element fastened to her hip and was currently dodging what was meant to be a surprise attack, whipping it out and aiming.
"Already a vast improvement," said Bronson, leaning against the wall and smiling.
It was true. She had only been working with Luka since just after Christmas and he could already see her arms and legs beginning to tone, not to mention the swiftness of her movements.
"Determination, Bronson," she said, giving her Element a spin before putting it back in its holster. "I refuse to be the weak girl Xander found on a street corner any longer, and I was never a terrible soldier. Not the greatest, but that was only because I had little desire to kill anyone back then. Now I have a list."
"And I don't envy anyone on it."
"Bronson is going to start training with us soon," said Luka, flashing him a smile.
"I think that's wise," she said. "You should at least learn how to handle an Element."
"I'm going to be honest, I don't have a lot of desire to kill anyone either, like mini cupcake. I haven't been through anything terrible enough to give me that drive."
"What about when the president had your village destroyed and Quigley's parents were killed?" said Luka.
Bronson sighed. "Yeah, you're right. That was terrible. But I didn't see it happen, I don't know who was involved, and while I want the president dead I don't particularly want it done by my hand."
Luka stared at him with hard eyes. "But, if it comes down to it, would you do it?"
Bronson shrugged. "I suppose I'd have to."
"Then you're learning," said Luka. "You and I can start now before you have to leave for work, since I'm sure Deryn plans to abandon her training now that you're back."
Bronson smirked and held up a bag he was carrying. Deryn smiled and went over to him, taking off her holster and fastening it around his waist.
"Have fun, you two." She took the bag and winked, walking and not running up the stairs since her muscles were terribly sore from her earlier workout. Not to mention Luka flipping her a few times when she failed to evade him properly.
When she got upstairs, Xander and Quigley were on the balcony sharing a cigarette. While she did not condone smoking in the least, she was still happy Xander was taking a few drags. Maybe that meant he was starting to feel like himself again.
As she approached, Quigley glanced at her. "Guess my shift is over. And look! He didn't jump or anything!" he said with a smile.
Xander rolled his eyes. "If any of you actually believe I'd do something that stupid then you really don't know me at all."
"Yeah, yeah. You have too many people counting on you, blah, blah, blah. Just keep reminding yourself about that." Quigley put out his cigarette and left.
"Nothing like spending a few hours with someone who's clearly still pissed at me," said Xander, staring back out at the street.
Deryn ducked down and sat in her usual spot on the ground. "Then why didn't you come downstairs and watch me like you promised?"
"Sorry," he said with a sigh. "I just ... If you haven't noticed, I'm a bit out of it."
"You don't say."
Xander moved his gaze to her, a small smile tugging at his lips. Then it faded again. "You know I wouldn't ever off myself -"
"Xander, I know," she said firmly. "I didn't send him up here. Bronson probably did. They're just worried about you. Quigley may be angry but he still loves you."
Xander nodded. "You've been using that word a lot lately. Love."
"Yes, well, when two people I care a great deal about got hurt because of me it put a lot of things in perspective." She looked at him and smirked. "Don't worry, I still love you the most."
He half-smiled.
Deryn held out her arms. "Xander, come here."
He went to her without hesitation, sitting beside her and happily letting her embrace him. One hand stroked his hair while the other clung to the back of his neck. He loved the way she held him.
"So I had Bronson pick something up for me," she said after a while of just sitting there. "It's something I've always wanted to do and I'm hoping you'll do it with me."
Xander pulled back a bit so he could look at her. "He picked you up something you can do?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow. "You officially have my interest. Also, if this is some sort of sex act, the answer is always yes."
"Devil's three-way?"
"Except that."
Deryn laughed. "I hate to disappoint you, but what he picked up for me has nothing to do with sex. I said we're waiting until you're fully healed and I meant it." She grabbed the bag she had placed beside her and pulled out some metal contraption, shaped like a gun but with a thousand tiny needles on the end.
Xander looked at her skeptically.
"It's a tattoo gun," she said, playing with the screen attached to it. "I designed something for us. Granted, I'm no artist, but I think it turned out pretty well."
She showed him the screen. It was two blackbirds flying towards each other.
"This one is mine," she said, pointing to the smaller bird flying to the right. "And this one is yours." The bird was mildly larger and flying left. "I thought we could put them on our fingers. You gave me your symbol of commitment." She palmed the gold ring around her neck. "And now I want to give you mine."
Xander lifted his hand and stroked the little birds. "It's beautiful, Deryn. But I can't get that on my finger. Someone will see and question it."
"Already thought of that," she said, going back into the bag and coming out with a plain gold ring. "You'll get it on your middle finger and this is wide enough to cover it."
He smiled softly and took the ring, trying it on both middle fingers and deciding it fit best on his left hand. Then he took it off again and readied the chosen hand.
Deryn giggled and said, "You really trust me with this?"
"Guess so."
She took his hand and gave it a kiss before positioning the tattoo gun just right. She clicked on his bird so it became centered on the screen and pressed the only button. Xander didn't even flinch as the needles pressed into him. When it was finished, she took away the gun and they both admired the small blackbird now imprinted permanently on his middle finger.
"Your turn," he said, taking the tattoo gun and switching the screen to the other bird. They chose Deryn's right middle finger and positioned the gun. Once it was in place, he pressed the button.
Deryn did her best not to flinch either. When it was done she smiled proudly as she looked at her small bird, placing it beside his. "They really look quite nice," she said.
Xander put the gun aside and tried on the ring, making sure it covered the bird completely. It did. He then took it off and pocketed it, pulling her close so he could kiss her. "I still don't think I deserve you. But, fuck, I love you."
She smiled softly, then reached up and stroked his cheek with her tattooed hand. "Just two blackbirds flying home together. Hopefully forever."
"Yes. Hopefu
lly."
Deryn's smile faded and she pinched him. "Forever, Xander."
He finally smiled and said, "Alright. Forever."
Their lips entangled and their hands entwined, the two small birds on their fingers flying towards each other as they kept warm during that cold night. For the first time Xander actually appreciated Deryn's no sex rule, because it meant he got to hold her just like this, and feel the warmness of her tongue pressed against his. Sometimes he needed these moments to remember that it wasn't just the physical part of their relationship that he loved, it was her. All of her. The taste of her breath, the beat of her heart, the way she held him like she never wanted to let go.
He hadn't realized it before she came into his life, but he had once been as dead inside as she was. Alive but not actually living. He'd given up. And he had almost done it again. But his blackbird always knew how to bring him back, and together they were going to fly away from the hell bubble they were trapped in and find a way to be together. Forever.
For the first time in his life he saw the future. Not just some fantasy he created to survive the pain, but the real future. And she was it.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Xander walked through the forest west of Redwood, still wearing his gasmask and nervously glancing over his shoulder every few steps. He had told President Saevus that he wanted to see the beach and the man had been fine with that, even encouraging him to breathe the salty air, saying there was nothing else like it. He had breathed the salty air. Yet his mother never would. It hardly seemed fair.
He wanted to take off his gasmask, he really did, but every time he started to he imagined he heard a noise and panicked. He knew, deep down, that no one was following him, but he didn't understand what was holding him back.
The air was clean.
It had been clean for a long time and he had been breathing it his whole life.
So why couldn't he just take off the mask?
Xander stopped walking and pressed his hand against the closest tree, taking several deep and even breaths. He could do this. It was the same air. No one was following him.
Sunken Eyes (Cruel and Beautiful World Book 2) Page 26
