A Virtual Affair

by Tracie Podger

  With coffees drunk, we headed home. Carla dropped me off in the village; she had an appointment in town and I was getting a haircut. I’d made the appointment the previous day. While I was there, I decided to invest in a manicure. Might as well push the boat out a little.

  It felt strange to walk home with loose hair; wisps of soft silky strands would whip around my face in the breeze. As I arrived home and held the key to the lock, I looked at my nails, painted a vivid red. I decided that was going to be my signature colour.

  I settled at the kitchen table with my laptop.

  To: Stefan

  From: Jayne

  Date: 10 April 2014

  Subject: Gym!

  Hey, S. I went to the gym today. I know, the gym! I’ve decided to get fit, lose a few pounds. I got a haircut too. How boring am I, telling you this ha ha. So, what’s happening in the world of marketing?

  J xx

  While I waited for his reply I made myself some lunch; tuna on crispbread, boring but slimming. I was determined. I wanted a job, I wanted to lose weight and I wanted to look good. Somewhere in the back of my mind, to a place I pushed thoughts I didn’t want to confront, I was hoping that I’d see Stefan again. I was doing this so I looked good when that happened.

  I sat drumming my fingers on the kitchen table waiting for a reply; I didn’t want to leave in case I missed it. I didn’t think of the rationale on that. His email would be there when I returned but I looked forward to his replies. I checked the clock on the wall trying to work out what he would be doing right at the moment. Perhaps he was out to lunch.

  A key in the front door startled me. I hastily closed the lid of the laptop. Michael walked into the kitchen.

  “You’re home early,” I said, annoyed that he was.

  “Yes.” He slowly removed his jacket and hung it over the back of the chair.

  He seemed hesitant to leave the room and I wondered why.

  “Do you want tea, coffee?” I asked, more so to break the dense atmosphere that had suddenly filled the room.

  “Coffee would be good.” He took a seat at the table.

  “You look different,” he added. His comment took me by surprise.

  “Nothing different about me, maybe you just haven’t looked lately.”

  He sighed at my retort. “I see you most days,” he said.

  I placed his coffee cup on the table in front of him. “No, Michael. You haven’t seen me in years.”

  I picked up my cigarettes and headed for the garden. By the time I’d arrived back in the house Michael was in the study on his computer. I took my laptop and headed upstairs. I wanted the privacy of my bedroom to see if Stefan had replied. He hadn’t. I did the next best thing—I brought up his company website. I’d looked at it many times, not understanding anything as it was written in Danish but there were photos of Aalborg. I wondered what it would be like to visit one day.

  For the rest of the day, I got on with chores. Washing and ironing, cleaning the house filled the afternoon. Michael hadn’t left the study. I’d heard him on the phone and it surprised me to hear him speak in a foreign language. He stumbled over his words and laughed but it seemed a strange thing to do. I knew he dealt with foreign banks and other traders but he’d never worked from home before. I was itching to ask why.

  That evening we ate our meal in silence before he retired to the living room and I stayed put in the kitchen. It was the warmest room in the house. Michael wouldn’t invest in a new heating system. His answer to anyone who complained of the chill in the rooms was to put a sweater on. Many a time I’d gone through the drawers of the desk in the study looking for any financial information. Maybe we weren’t as well off as I assumed. Maybe we needed to budget, or maybe he was just tight.

  “I’m heading to the pub for a drink,” Michael said, surprising me. He never visited the pub.

  “Okay,” I replied, half expecting him to ask me to join him. He didn’t.

  Something was definitely off. I racked my brain trying to remember the last time he’d arrived home early from work. Once he had left I sat at his computer. It was password protected, and after trying all our dates of birth, I gave up. I flicked through paperwork on the desk. Not much made any sense to me, it was mainly figures, projections, investments—but whose?

  I felt my anxiety levels begin to rise. I had no doubt he was up to something. Perhaps he was preparing to finally move in with the tart. Maybe he was paving the way to leave me penniless. I took myself back to the one place in the house I felt the most comfortable and did the one thing I always did when anxiety threatened to overwhelm me—I poured a glass of wine and emailed Stefan. I’d drunk the first glass while I read through previous messages. I poured another.

  To: Stefan

  From: Jayne

  Date: 10 April 2014

  Subject: Fantasies?

  Hey, S. If I told you my fantasy would you tell me yours?

  J xx

  I’d giggled as I pressed send and waited. Although he hadn’t replied to my earlier email, he did to that one.

  To: Jayne

  From: Stefan

  Date: 10 April 2014

  Subject: Intrigued

  I think perhaps I’ll stay at work for another hour. Tell me…

  S xx

  To: Stefan

  From: Jayne

  Date: 10 April 2014

  Subject: Are you ready?

  I’m standing in my bedroom in front of a full-length mirror. I’m naked after my shower and my body is wet. You stand behind me. You look at my reflection in the glass and wrap one arm around my shoulders. Your other hand splays on my stomach. Gently, you slide it down. I rest my head back on your shoulder and you whisper words I don’t understand in my ear. You tease me with your fingers, making me come. My body feels alive, on fire. Your lips ghost the skin on my neck, up to my ear and you continue to whisper. I can feel your erection, hard against my back as you pull me against you. And I want to feel you inside me…

  J xx

  I’d pressed the send button before reading what I’d typed. When I went back to the email my mouth fell open. Holy shit! I covered my mouth with my hand and panicked. Where the fuck had those words come from. That wasn’t me. Scarlet had made an appearance without me knowing. I giggled as I drained the second glass of wine and poured another. I raised my glass to her, catching sight of my red painted nails. Good old Scarlet.

  To: Jayne

  From: Stefan

  Date: 10 April 2014

  Subject: Continue?

  I wouldn’t be a good lover if I left it there. Tell me more…

  S xx

  To: Stefan

  From: Jayne

  Date: 10 April 2014

  Subject: Lover?

  How good a lover are you? Tell me your fantasy…

  J xx

  To: Jayne

  From: Stefan

  Date: 10 April 2014

  Subject: The best

  My English is not so good, so I’d rather show you.

  S xx

  I dropped the glass I was holding, thankful it was a heavy cut crystal and didn’t break. When? When would he show me? My heart hammered in my chest. I fought with Scarlet to ask the question. She’d have replied with a date and time, a location and exactly what she wanted him to show. I needed some fresh air. I called for Dini and grabbed my coat. Stepping out in the garden, I took in a lungful of cold air. It burnt my chest but I needed the cold to dampen the heat that coursed through my body. Excitement bubbled in the pit of my stomach. Did Stefan mean he wanted to meet? I closed my eyes at the thought just as reality crashed through me. I slumped into the garden chair and held my head in my hands.

  What the fuck was I doing? I was married; he was married. It was wrong. What I had done, what I had written, was so wrong. But I couldn’t stop myself. I refused to entertain the idea that I was living a fantasy because real life was unbearable; I pushed that thought to the back of my mind. I was just having some fun, I was mak
ing myself happy, and no one would get hurt.

  To: Stefan

  From: Jayne

  Date: 10 April 2014

  Subject: Really?

  I guess showing is better than telling. ;) Perhaps I’ll dream about that fantasy and let you know what happens next.

  J xx

  To: Jayne

  From: Stefan

  Date: 10 April 2014

  Subject: I’ll show…

  Oh, it is! And I’m an expert at showing…

  S xx

  To: Stefan

  From: Jayne

  Date10 April 2014

  Subject: Please do

  I’ll look forward to experiencing your expertise. ;)

  J xx

  I waited for his reply; it didn’t come. I checked my watch and noticed how late it was. The pub would be closing shortly, real life would return. I headed up to bed before that happened.

  It was early; the sun hadn’t risen when I woke to the sound of Dini growling. He often growled at the wildlife rustling in the garden, perhaps he had spotted a fox. I climbed out of bed and wrapped a dressing gown around me to ward off the chill. I winced at the snores that resounded around the upstairs hallway; Michael had left his bedroom door open. I’d been glad when he’d used the excuse of my insomnia to take to the spare room. It was his snoring that kept me awake night after night.

  I made a cup of tea and let Dini out into the garden, he could chase off whatever was lurking. I picked up my mobile and opened the emails. In the cold light of day, or early hours of the morning as was the case, I wished I could have taken those emails back. I seemed to become a different person when I typed, all my thoughts, feelings and in that case, fantasies, poured from my fingertips. I’d always had Scarlet. I remembered back to childhood, those firsts. The first day at school, I would pretend to be her, confident and sassy. My first date with Michael, I’d tossed my hair, twirled a strand between my finger and probably pouted as well. The first time I met his boss, Scarlet had been on top form that evening, telling smutty jokes and laughing. Michael had been furious; he’d dragged me to the car once the evening was over by my arm and bruised my skin. I’d tried to explain, but how could I?

  Scarlet was the me I wanted to be. The one who appeared as if by magic when I needed courage, when I needed a voice to speak words plain Jayne never had the confidence to. With her blonde hair and perfect figure, everyone loved her. Maybe I was going mad, maybe I’d always been.

  It was Saturday afternoon and I was expecting Casey. Michael had taken my car to collect her from the train station. Although it was within walking distance, the weather was foul. She rushed through the front door, leaving it open so the elements could chill the house further, dumped her bags on the floor and ran to give me a hug.

  “Mum, it’s so good to see you. I’m starving and I have a stack of washing,” she said.

  “It’s good to see you too, darling. How was the ski trip?” I ignored the ‘stack of washing’ comment.

  She shrugged off her coat, letting it fall to the floor in the hallway before heading to the kitchen. I picked up the coat and hung it on a hook.

  Casey talked a hundred words a second as she reeled off her adventures. I listened, I was interested but I also wanted to know how she funded all her trips. She’d been to the South of France, skiing in Austria, and was about to take a trip to America. I smiled as I listened, loving her enthusiasm for life. Michael came and sat next to her.

  “Isn’t it amazing, Mum, about Dad’s new job? You will get me on an internship, won’t you? I mean, Japan, sheesh, how unbelievable is that. When do you leave? I can come in August, I think. I love the apartment; it has three bedrooms, doesn’t it? I want to be able to invite friends.” Casey rattled on and on, gushing about her father’s new job in Japan. I stared at him; he stared back but then had the grace to lower his eyes after a minute.

  “So, Mum, what will you do about the dog?”

  I looked at her, blinking. “Nothing, the dog will stay with me, of course.”

  “But you can’t take the dog to Japan. Well, I guess you could but…”

  “I’m not going to Japan. In fact, this is the first I’ve heard of it.”

  Her mouth gaped open; she looked between Michael and me.

  “I’m not going anywhere, because I want to stay here for the baby.”

  “Baby?” Michael said.

  “Yes, oh, didn’t I tell you? You’re going to be a grandfather. How silly of me to have forgotten something as important as that.” I stood, grabbed my cigarettes and headed to the garden.

  I cursed myself. I’d spoilt Ben and Kerry’s surprise. A plan had been made that they would visit that evening, I was to cook a meal and they would make their big announcement over dinner.

  “Mum?” Casey closed the kitchen door behind her, she handed me a jacket as she took a seat beside me.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” she said.

  I took her hand in mine. “It’s not your fault, darling.”

  “Why didn’t he tell you? I knew a couple of weeks ago.”

  That comment made me feel a hell of a lot better. “I don’t know.”

  I stubbed out my cigarette and we made our way back into the kitchen. Michael was nowhere to be seen. I texted Ben an apology that I’d stolen his moment and set about to prepare the evening meal.

  Despite the strained atmosphere, we had an enjoyable evening and thankfully, Ben and Kerry were not upset that I’d told everyone about the baby. Inside I was in turmoil. I went through the motions. I smiled, I responded when necessary, but I also kept myself busy clearing plates, serving dessert and tidying up once everyone had retired to the living room.

  “Are you okay?” I heard. I had been leaning over the sink trying to calm my racing heart when Kerry walked into the kitchen.

  “I’m fine. I think I’ve got a little heartburn,” I said.

  The sense that I was about to have a panic attack seemed to be hitting me frequently of late. It was something I’d never experienced before. I’d feel my face heat up, my heartbeat increase and my hands would start to shake. I’d feel sick, my vision blurred and noise became just a hum around me. I’d managed to swallow down the panic and continued to wash up.

  “Let me help,” she said. She picked up a tea towel and dried the pots that didn’t fit in the dishwasher.

  “How are you feeling?” I asked.

  “Okay, the sickness has gone, thank God. I have an appointment on Monday. Ben is really excited.”

  “Aw, that’s nice to hear. You two are going to make the most wonderful parents.”

  Kerry came from a large, raucous family. They rowed and fought but there was a lot of love. Her father had left when she was a child and her mother had brought up four children by herself. I liked her; she was an honest, hardworking woman. She reminded me of my mum, although she wasn’t much different in age to me.

  “Go back inside. I’ll bring some tea in,” I said.

  She smiled and gave me a hug. I wanted a little more time alone to get myself together. I made a mental note to contact the doctor; perhaps I was heading for an early menopause.

  Ben and Kerry left soon after I’d brought some tea in the room. Ben had an early start on a project he needed to get finished. Casey stretched and yawned, announcing she would get an early night. I had no doubt she wasn’t tired, just wanting to get out of the way. I collected the mugs and took them to the kitchen.

  “Perhaps we need to talk about this,” I heard. Michael had followed me.

  “I think it’s a little too late for that.”

  “Will you at least sit down,” he snapped.

  I tuned and raised my eyebrows at him. As I looked at him, I wondered how he could have spent all those years intimidating me. He was a bully, a childish bully who only ever wanted life his way.

  “You’ve changed,” he said as he took a seat.

  “You’ve noticed? Wow.”

  “I don’t like the red, a little to
o tarty,” he said as he looked at my hands.

  “You’d know about tarts, obviously,” I answered with a smile.

  “Let’s not make this personal, shall we?”

  “You don’t like my nail varnish, not that I give a shit, and we’re not to make it personal? Okay.”

  “I have been given a fantastic opportunity, one I can’t turn down. I’d have hoped you would be supportive.”

  “Maybe if I’d have known, maybe if I hadn’t found out from my daughter, I would have. When do you leave?”

  “In a month. I thought I would put the house on the market; I’ll need an apartment in London. I have use of a company one in Japan, but I’ll be back in the UK for a month twice a year.”

  “Well, you thought wrong. I’m not moving from this house. While you’re back in the UK, you can either buy yourself a flat or stay with her.”

  “Why do you always bring her into our problems?”

  I stood and slammed my hands down on the table. “You have to be kidding me, right? She is the fucking problem.”

  “She understands me…” I cut him off with a bitter laugh.

  “Please tell me you are not going to use that old cliché? Michael, I don’t care. I don’t love you, I haven’t for a long time, and you know why? Because you never loved me. Not once have you cared about my life, not once have you appreciated what I do for you. Not once have you put me first, complimented me, taken me to dinner even. You go. I wish you well, Michael, I really do. We should have ended this farce many years ago.”

  I fought to catch my breath, stunned at the words that had left my mouth. Stunned that for the first time I’d spoken my mind, I’d stood up to him and judging by his slack jaw and wide eyes, made him finally hear me.

  I didn’t want him to see me cry so I turned and walked away. I took my laptop, my glass of wine and headed for my bedroom. I opened my emails and sadness crept over me when I noticed Stefan hadn’t replied. Whether it was to cheer myself up or wallow further in self-pity, I wasn’t sure, but I read through our exchanges from the beginning. Deep down, I knew what I was doing; I was escaping into my fantasy world for peace of mind and happiness.