A Virtual Affair

by Tracie Podger

  “I’m sorry, I seem to have dropped this,” I called out. I could hear snickering from the next aisle.

  I grabbed a box from the shelf without looking and rushed to the counter. Sullen Girl picked up the box, studied it for way too long before raising her clearly painted on eyebrows at me. I raised my chin. Thank God the counter was high enough for her not to see my shaking legs. She scanned the box, slower than I imagined she normally would, and grunted something inaudible.

  I opened my purse; my hands shook as I extracted a five-pound note. She raised her painted eyebrows even further. I looked at the register. Trying to disguise the shock I felt at the price, I fished around for a twenty. She handed me back the five-pound and a couple of coins as change.

  “Want lube with that?” she said.

  I blinked, probably the most I’d blinked in one go all day.

  “No, I don’t want lube with that.”

  Laughter coming from behind echoed around the thankfully empty shop. Sullen Girl slid the box towards me. I stared at it, she stared at me.

  “Do you have a bag?”

  She sighed, snapped her gum, then produced a virtually see through small plastic bag.

  I placed the box in the bag, wrapping the excess plastic around it as a disguise then shoved it in my pocket. I walked, no, power walked, back out the shop.

  I slumped against the wall, drained at the experience when Carla caught up with me.

  “Don’t. Do not speak,” I said.

  She slid her arm through mine. “I think we need wine,” she said.

  I slumped into the sofa in the pub beside a roaring fire as Carla stood at the bar. She came back to two large glasses of red wine.

  “I…” She started to speak.

  I shook my head and raised my hand to halt her sentence.

  I took one, and then two, large gulps of wine before letting my head fall back against the sofa and closed my eyes.

  “Don’t ever make me do that again,” I said.

  “You can buy them online next time,” Carla replied.

  My eyes snapped open, I growled at her. “You mean I just went through the most humiliating experience to learn I didn’t have to?”

  “Ah, but we had fun, didn’t we?”

  My head jolted forwards slightly and my eyes widened.

  “Okay, maybe it wasn’t fun for you. But you got them, so it’s done. Drink your wine and relax. You’re a modern woman, Jayne. We take responsibility for our sexual health.”

  “If you say the S word, the C word, or any other fucking word relating to fucking, this wine will go all over that nice Prada, or whatever it is, coat.”

  “You’re very aggressive today.”

  Then she laughed, and I laughed. Tears rolled down my cheeks and my stomach ached. I clamped a hand over my mouth to quieten the sound. It took forever for us to calm down.

  “Oh God, my sides hurt,” I said with a groan.

  “When was the last time you laughed like that?”

  Her statement sobered me somewhat. “I don’t know, years ago.”

  “You’ve changed so much over the past few months, I might start calling you butterfly,” she said with a laugh.

  I wanted to laugh but didn’t. Her statement made me realise how much of my life I’d missed, how miserable I’d been, and how I’d let that happen.

  The house was quiet when I returned home. Ben’s car was missing from the drive so I assumed he and Kerry were out. I unwrapped the scarf and shrugged off my coat.

  “Hello, baby,” I said to the dog. He looked up from his warm spot by the Aga.

  I placed the carrier bag of shame, as I’d called it, on the counter while I waiting for the kettle to boil. I was so deep in thought I hadn’t heard Kerry approach until she was next to me.

  “Hi,” she said.

  I startled, as I did I spun around and my arm swiped the bag of shame to the floor. Dini jumped up, expecting it to be a bonus meal and grabbed it in his teeth. Both Kerry and I bent at the same time to retrieve the bag, which split in a tug of war, and the condoms bounced across the floor.

  Before Dini could grab the box, Kerry had them in her hand. She looked at them, then at me. My cheeks flamed.

  I watched as she slowly put them back on the counter. “Shall I make some tea?” she asked. All I could do was nod.

  I slumped into a chair at the table and she placed two mugs before taking a seat opposite.

  “Not my business, Jayne,” she said as she dived into the biscuit barrel.

  “Oh, fuck it. I’m meeting someone in Cornwall. Carla made me buy those but nothing is going to happen.”

  I took a deep breath, not sure of her response. “That’s great news. I’d avoid the strawberry if I were you, though. Yucky taste.”

  I choked on the mouthful of tea I had just taken. “I didn’t get strawberry.”

  She leant back in her chair and reached for the box. “Multi-flavours.”

  “Chuck them in the bin. I guess you don’t need them.”

  “I’ve embarrassed you, I’m sorry.”

  “Oh, don’t be. I’m just not used to this dating lark. I have no idea what I’m doing. I really shouldn’t go.” I could feel tears brimming in my eyes.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  I took a deep breath. “I think you might dislike me after.”

  “Try me.”

  “I met him at the beginning of the year, on that holiday with Carla, and we kept in touch by email. He lives in Denmark. We’ve spoken a few times on the phone but I find it easier to email. I just…” I could feel myself getting choked up. “I just really like him and, I know this is wrong, he helped me.”

  “Helped you? How?”

  “He doesn’t know he did but I hated my life, Kerry. I was so miserable and when I wanted to escape, I emailed him. I feel guilty for that. I used him, his marriage broke up because of those emails, and I kept him a secret for a long time, but I don’t know what I am to him.”

  “First, his marriage couldn’t have been strong if he was emailing back. Maybe you both used each other for a release. I don’t think you’ve anything to feel guilty about. Whatever it is, it’s obviously a strong friendship, at least.”

  “But I was having an affair,” I said quietly.

  “Not sure I agree with you there. If you had a great marriage, would you have been emailing him? If Ben did the same, I’d be upset, for sure, but come on Jayne. Everyone knows Michael was screwing around. So, good for you.”

  “Everyone knew?”

  “Everyone. Why do you think Ben doesn’t give a shit about him? We argued about it recently, he doesn’t want him at this little one’s Christening.”

  “Oh.”

  “I thought he was being mean, this is Michael’s grandchild, but I totally see where he’s coming from. Ben, and me, have watched you get more and more sad over the past couple of years. So if you’ve met someone and you’re going to meet up, I’m over the moon for you. And I know Ben will be too.”

  I smiled at her. “We’re just friends. I don’t think anything will happen. This is just Carla being silly, and to be honest, Kerry, I wouldn’t even know how to use one.”

  “Then best you learn.” She opened the box and pulled out a foil packet.

  “Don’t use your teeth, you see that in the movies but you’ll tear the condom.” As she spoke she pointed to her belly and winked.

  Then she did something I don’t think I’ll ever forget. She reached over to the kitchen counter and grabbed a courgette from the veg rack.

  “Oh no, no, no, no. I get it. Should it happen, I’ll figure it out. And I need that for a stir fry later.”

  “I’m teasing, anyway the courgette is too small.”

  “Can you keep all this to yourself? Carla knows but I don’t really want anyone else to. It might be nothing more than just a holiday between two friends.”

  “My lips are sealed.”

  To: Jayne

  From: Stefan

/>   Date: 17 November 2014

  Subject: Packed

  Hey, J. All packed and ready for my flight tomorrow. I estimate I’ll be at the cottage about eight in the evening. Looking forward to seeing you again. ;)

  S xx

  To: Stefan

  From: Jayne

  Date: 17 November 2014

  Subject: Not packed!

  Hi, I have a bunch of clothes piled on the bed, just need to decide how many coats, gloves and scarves to pack. It’s cold here, although we don’t have any snow. I’ll have the kettle on. :)

  J xx

  My nerves were shot. So many scenarios had run through my mind over the past couple of months. What if he didn’t like me? What if I didn’t like him? We would be stuck together for a week. I guessed I could always leave but how terrible would I look? I had made a back up plan with Kerry. If I texted her that things were not going well, she would ring me to say she thought she was in early labour and could I come home. I also kept my fingers crossed that would not be the case.

  “Will you stop panicking,” Carla said.

  We were sat in the kitchen with a bottle of wine the night before my departure.

  “I’m trying. It’s okay for you, you’ve got the confidence of the population in your little finger.”

  “Have I? Or am I just pretending, like you?”

  I looked at her. “My husband betrayed me too. He had a child, the one thing I can never give someone. Believe me, Jayne, some days are a struggle to even get out of bed.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. You just…”

  “I know, I just get on with it. You’ll be fine. He obviously likes you to arrange this trip, and after this week, you’ll know if there’s any future in it.”

  “I don’t think there’s a future. We live in two different countries.”

  “Then just have fun for this week, promise me that, at least.”

  After giving me a hug, Carla left and I locked up the house. I’d already packed the car with my case, some shopping and Dini’s things.

  I left early the following morning. Kerry saw me off and made me promise to text as soon as I’d arrived. I knew I would reach the cottage before the allotted check-in time but I planned to stop for a cup of tea with Nora and Jim. She had the cottage key and she’d let me in early if I wanted.

  The traffic was light, and I soon found myself on that Atlantic Highway. It was a different view I encountered on that journey. The sky was grey and the sea angry. I loved it. I loved being by the sea in the summer and I loved it more in the winter. There was something beautiful about seeing Mother Nature at her fiercest.

  “Come on in. Oh, it’s so good to see you,” Nora said as I opened the car door. “And bring that beautiful hound of yours too,” she added.

  Nora pulled me into a hug; she squeezed me hard.

  “So, tell me all. What have you been up to? Any babies yet? And who is this friend you’re meeting?”

  So many questions! I laughed as I answered. I told her Stefan was just a friend who wanted to explore Cornwall. It wasn’t a lie, as such. It was how I’d rationalised the holiday in my mind.

  We had a cup of tea and I warmed myself in front of her little electric fire. I’d need to get the heating fixed in the car when I returned. It had blasted lukewarm air through its vents the whole journey.

  After an hour she handed me the key and I drove down the lane to the cottage. I smiled; it was like visiting it for the first time. The roses had died around the front door, and in their place was a tangle of woody stems.

  Nothing had changed when I walked through the front door. Although the cottage was slightly warmer, I imagined Nora had been down in the morning to turn the heating on. I unpacked the shopping, settled the dog and took my case upstairs. I hesitated in the double bedroom, unsure whether to unpack or not. What if Stefan wanted this room? Would it be more polite to wait and ask which room he wanted to sleep in?

  “Liberated,” I whispered to myself.

  I placed the case on the bed and opened it. Sitting on top was the box of condoms. I really panicked then. What do I do with them? I could’ve put them in one of the bedside cabinets but what if he looked? For the umpteenth time, I wished I hadn’t bought them. I stuffed them back in the case once I’d unpacked my clothes and stashed it in the bottom of the wardrobe. I hadn’t made it out the bedroom door before I rushed back in and re-packed the case. I didn’t want Stefan to think I was being presumptuous or greedy that I wanted the double room.

  I sat heavily on the bed; I simply wasn’t cut out for this kind of thing. I had no idea what I was doing. I lugged the case to the hallway and left it there.

  I decided to open a bottle of wine; a large glass of red was needed to calm my nerves and the anxiety that was building. I checked my watch and wished I hadn’t. Stefan wouldn’t arrive for another four hours. That was four hours of overthinking, of building nerves and panic.

  I tried to read; I looked at the clock. I paced the house; I looked at the clock. I took a walk along the beach with Dini; I looked at my watch.

  It grew dark quickly, and as the night drew in, so the temperature fell. I lit the fire, already stacked with logs, and connected my phone to a docking station. I found a playlist and let the music calm me as I curled on the sofa.

  A bright light swept across the living room. I held my breath as I heard the crunch of tyres on the gravel outside, and Dini ran to the front door.

  I slowly slid from the sofa and tiptoed to the hallway. A car door slammed, then another. I heard footsteps make their way to the front door and then a knock. I was frozen to the spot, I couldn’t breathe and my chest constricted. A second knock came and I forced one foot in front of the other until my shaking hand reached for the door latch. I took a deep breath before opening the front door.

  He stood there, all tousled hair with piercing blue eyes. The man I hadn’t seen in a year was standing, smiling back at me, on the front door step.

  “Hey,” he said and that soft voice melted my insides.

  “Hey, yourself.”

  “Are you going to let me in?” The skin around his eyes creased as his smile grew broader.

  “Oh, yes, sorry.” I laughed as I opened the door wide and stood to one side.

  I was unsure how to act. Any decision I should have made was taken from me when he stepped forwards and wrapped his arms around me. He kissed my cheek, just shy of my mouth, and I swear I heard him sigh.

  “It's so good to see you again,” he whispered into my hair. My heart hammered in my chest. “And this is Dini, I take it.”

  Dini butted his head between us, wanting attention. Stefan laughed as he leant down to pet him. Dini gave his seal of approval by licking his face.

  “Let me get you a glass of wine,” I said, finally pulling myself together.

  Stefan grabbed the bag he had left at the front door and moved it to the bottom of the stairs so I could shut the door. I shivered at the drop in temperature in the hallway.

  “Did you have a good flight?” I asked.

  “It was okay. This is an amazing place, show me around?”

  We headed to the kitchen and he took a look out the back door as I poured him a glass of wine. As I handed him the wine and our hands brushed against each other’s, a spark of static prickled my skin.

  I led him to the living room. The fire crackled in the hearth and cast an orange glow over the room. Stefan placed his wine on the coffee table next to my half drunk glass. From there, we headed back to the hallway, he collected his bag before we made our way up the stairs.

  “There’s two bedrooms, one double and a twin, and a bathroom with a shower. It’s not very big and cold at night,” I said with a laugh.

  “I like cold at night,” he replied.

  I stood to one side outside the double bedroom and he walked in. As he did, he picked up my case and carried it with him. He placed both his holdall and my case on the bed.

  “We can unpack later. How about food? I’m starving,�
� he said.

  My earlier reservations, the unease and anxiety, disappeared at the sight of his lopsided cheeky grin. It took a few minutes more for us to fall straight back into that easy way we’d experienced one-year prior.

  “I take it you’re expecting me to cook?” I teased.

  “Baby, you do not want to experience my culinary skills, although washing up is something I am ace at.”

  My skin tingled at the ‘baby’. “Come on then.”

  We headed back downstairs, and I was more than aware of the proximity of his body so close to mine as he descended behind me.

  As I stood at the counter to slice some vegetables for a stir-fry, Stefan asked where the plates were. I looked up to the cupboard above my head. He stood behind me, closer than necessary and with his hand on my hip he reached over my shoulder to open the door.

  I held the knife steady in my hand as static coursed through me from his touch. The chuckle under his breath had me thinking that he knew exactly what he was doing. I shook my head and smiled.

  We sat at the kitchen table and ate. All the while he told me of his new contract and how it had elevated his company within the marketing world. We talked about our children, the impending birth of my first grandchild and made plans of what to do during our week in Cornwall.

  I stood to clear the plates. “Let me do it, go and sit.”

  “We only have to stack the dishwasher.”

  “So I’ll stack the dishwasher. Grab that wine, and go and sit.”

  I quite liked the forcefulness of his tone. I laughed, picked up the wine and headed to the living room. The fire was still roaring, and I turned off the main light opting for the subtle wall lights instead.

  I winced at the crashing and banging and smiled at the conversation Stefan was having with Dini; those two would get along just fine.

  I settled on the sofa and it wasn’t long before he joined me. He sat beside me and placed his arm along the back.

  “This really is a beautiful place. I miss an open fire. I like my apartment but it’s not a home.” He had shuffled closer as he spoke.

  “I’m sorry you had to go through that. I feel partly responsible.”