Wild Within

by Mima

  She hated how high and wild her voice was. “He's free of me now! So be it! I am no soulmate for a man such as he!” Whirling, she ran from the room, ignoring the warm, thick wetness cascading over her lips.

  She ran to the little room she slept in. Flinging herself down she fell into a storm of weeping, unable to care who overheard. Gut wrenching, gasping, heaving sobs that shook her so hard she thought she was going to be sick. Never had she indulged in such an uncontrolled display. Cro came and left. She didn’t care. She did not know how long she lay there crying. Finally, after she had lain for an eternity as an empty shell, Xu came in and turned up the magelight. He walked in calmly, and she ignored him. He wiped her face, gently prodded her nose, and packed one side with soft leaves. He touched her arm in a healer sort of way at wrist and crook of elbow and all the while she just lay, staring at the ceiling, on the pallet.

  He left and returned with a bowl of soup. It roiled her stomach and she turned away. “You will eat this if I have to tie you down and pour it down your throat,” he stated matter-of-factly. After a moment she rolled over and stiltedly moved the spoon back and forth until she had eaten half of it, then put it down, and lay back in bed again.

  Tears leaked from her eyes and she angrily dashed them away. She never cried in front of people. But the tears kept coming. The healer sat by her side so still for so long she forgot he was there and started when she realized it. Still he sat until she said crossly, “Won't you leave?” Her voice was hoarse.

  He leaned over and removed the leaves, dabbed at her nose, and took off his shoes. Then she stiffened in shock as he climbed over top of her and lay down beside her so that she was along the outside of the bed. When she made a move to slide away he laid a heavy leg on top of hers and his arm shot out to her far shoulder. “Stay. Sleep. I will be with you.”

  “I do not need bedplay,” she hissed sharply.

  He chuckled. “And you will not get it or my mate would gut me. You need to be with someone. They have not yet assigned a spiritmage to you. My presence will have to be enough comfort tonight. We often share sleep among our people. Close your eyes and be at ease.” She lay like a board, but his body was warm, his breathing even and deep, his spirit soothing. Soon, incredibly, she was asleep.

  She awoke later, feeling stiff and tired, yet groggy as she swam up from a deep sleep. She was amazed that the healer was gone. She should have awoken when he left. Freezha was at the table, reading a scroll, still in a sleeping gown, sheer enough her breasts were clear beneath, round hanging globes with delicate pink nipples.

  KarRa sat up slowly. “What time is it?”

  Freezha walked over and sat next to her, not touching, but close. KarRa could feel her concern and accepted it. She felt like a clansister, despite their short acquaintance, despite her excitable and open manner that spoke of a chasm of status. “It's the wee hours, not yet dawn. The healer left just a while ago. Would you like some hot tea?”

  KarRa nodded.

  “You know, that Grif, he's got a reputation for being a hard man. Many people don't like him, or are afraid of him. I've only seen him from a distance. He's never come to a Darkmoon dance even though he’s unmated, but he gives me the shivers.”

  KarRa looked down at her leathers. Her skin was damp beneath them. Sleeping in leather trews was never a good idea. She needed to wash. “He wasn't hard. He just told me a lot of truths. And sometimes truth is hard.”

  “Harder and sharper than any knife,” Freezha murmured. “He’s really cute. Did he try to kiss you?” This was more perky, a hopeful look on her face. KarRa scowled at her, but she just laughed her tinkling bell laugh.

  “Of course not. I completely fuzzed out and I’m sure he thinks I’m a child. He said I was hysterical.”

  Freezha simply humphed. She rose, and returned shortly with tea. KarRa sipped it as they sat side by side. Eventually Freezha put her arm around KarRa, and rubbed her shoulder in a gentle sort of way. After stiffening, KarRa relented, leaning into her. It felt odd, but good. Completely different from Rylan’s larger hard presence, the only one that had ever consoled her before. KarRa allowed herself to touch that lush silver hair that lay pooled on the bed behind them. So lush. So soft. If it was truly safe here, she could grow hers out. If she didn’t have to fight as often.

  “Well?” Freezha asked softly.

  KarRa cleared her throat. “I think I went a little crazy.”

  “So? If it wasn’t a kiss, what happened?” Freezha prodded again.

  KarRa looked away. She wasn't used to talking to people about anything so personal. “Rylan has a new life now. I’m going to have a different life too, without him. It hit me pretty hard.” Like a club to the ribs, she thought.

  Suddenly the heat that had been sadness burning inside her shimmered down to her fists as anger. She clenched them tight and let it out. “I mean, I knew going in that I'd be away from him. By ash and flame, I thought I'd be dead or enslaved while he'd be free. And later, I knew he'd been adopted, and I was to be fucked into dropping babies”—Freezha nodded calmly at this crudity…”but still, it just never really sank in. He's an Owl, and a warrior, adopted into a Clan, with a family somewhere in his past. He's more powerful than ever before.” She bit her lip, keeping his alpha status to herself.

  “Soon he'll find the family he's always wanted.” She looked down at her fingers twisting in her lap. “He’s just going to let me go.” She choked on the words and wished Rylan's neck was between her hands. She sent her rage winging along their mental path on purpose, only to have it slam into his stone door.

  Freezha looked adorably confused when she asked, “I thought you were his soulmate?”

  “Maybe. But so what. A soulmate is like Clan. You don't get to choose them. You just have to deal with them. He's never fucked me, so I guess it’s kind of unfinished. He said he tried once and it didn't feel right.”

  She spat the words bitterly. Freezha stirred but KarRa spoke on. “He doesn't want me that way. And even before he separated from my bed he worked to keep us apart on jobs. He wanted to work alone. He said watching me work drove him crazy. We had such different styles. He told me it was to make us cover more ground that we should work alone, but I knew it was because he wanted to get away from me. The soulmate thing confused Grif too. People tend to think it means we should be together. And it's true I would be happy to be with him. But Grif was wrong. Rylan isn’t jealous.”

  Freezha reached out and covered KarRa's twining fingers firmly. “KarRa,” she choked out a laugh, “I find it hard to believe that someone who is your soulmate doesn't like you or want to be with you.”

  KarRa huffed a breath. “He likes me fine, I guess.” She was confused about this, remembering her sense of connection with him when she left him by the river, a lifetime ago.

  “We depended on each other for a long time. We've had good times. But mostly he checks in on me out of habit I think. He stops by out of loyalty. He’s always telling me to go my own way. Now,” she shrugged, “he knows I'm safe. I'm locked in here. He's free of me, and he wants it to stay that way.”

  Freezha took her hand away and clenched her fists in her lap. “Grif told you that?!”

  “No, he had it all wrong. But in talking, I understood Rylan. I know.” She couldn't force out the words, the nightmare words—I'm really alone now.

  They sat silently. “I need to wash,” KarRa said softly.

  There was a presence in the doorway. KarRa looked up.

  Freezha sat up straight. “Greetings, warrior.”

  Rylan. She blinked. Rylan. She swallowed and tried to straighten up from her inelegant slump. She opened her mouth. Nothing came out so she closed it. His golden brown eyes were hard as he took her in from tousled crown to dusty toe. He came toward her in his smooth strong stride and now she blinked to clear her eyes of liquid.

  Her heart thundered in her throat. She hadn't seen him strong in so long. He knelt at her side, his eyes pouring over her face, his nose
flaring. When his gaze got down to her hands clenched in her lap, he leaned over and took them gently in his own. His hands were warm. Big and rough. So familiar. She bit her lip viciously to still its tremble at the tight happiness, afraid to move from its uncertain cage within her. His arms rose and gathered her gently forward to lean against his chest and she allowed herself to relax into him. She inhaled his earthy smell deep and breathed easier. She sat back.

  “Rylan.” This time she said it out loud.

  “Oh!” Freezha’s laugh wrapped around them as she offered her upturned wrist. Rylan hesitated, and then bent to it, taking her scent as was polite. “Hello Rylan. How nice to finally meet you. I've sort of adopted KarRa here in the women's caves.”

  Amused, KarRa said, “Rylan, this is Freezha.”

  He nodded. “I am glad to see she has found a new madefamily sister.”

  KarRa beamed at his understanding. “She is good to know.”

  Clearing her throat, she said, “Freezha, perhaps now would be a good time for you to bring me a pretty robe as you were telling me.” And maybe she’d put one on herself.

  “Of course! The treasure is shared with us as we wish. You simply have got to see this room soon.”

  “Thank you Freezha.” She smiled at her friend and glanced at Rylan.

  Freezha reached to touch KarRa's knee. “I’ll leave so you can get some…” she looked slyly at Rylan, “—rest.” Freezha winked at KarRa as she drew the curtain behind her.

  He lifted himself up and sat next to her on the bed. Leaning back against the wall, he pulled her into the curve of his shoulder. She relaxed again.

  “I can’t believe you’re in my arms. Days you slept. I feared for you.”

  “I can’t believe you’re in my arms. I was just telling Freezha how I’m not part of your life.”

  He gave no response, his hand continuing its gentle path up and down her arm. So much time passed that she found her breathing synching to his. Her eyes were drooping when he finally spoke.

  “I missed you.”

  Instantly tension seeped into her. “I spoke with Grif yesterday,” she said.

  His hand stilled. “I heard.”

  She cleared her throat. “I don't know why you're here.”

  Now his body began to tighten. With a sudden lunge and twist she was on her back on the bed, he to the side but half on top of her.

  Her heart pounded as she looked at his face. He seemed so much stronger. More focused, harder. He'd never seemed a boy to her, but now he seemed to have found himself. He has become what he was meant to, while I am more lost than ever before.

  “KarRa, of course I am here now. I felt your need last night, just as I always have. I felt it right through these stupid new doors. You will ever be the most important person in my world. There has never been a moment that you weren’t part of my life. You’re my heartbeat.”

  She blinked up at him. He was here. The touch of his skin was as amazing as his scent.

  His face was still stone serious. “Grif and I talked about you again after he came from seeing you. He was upset. He said some things to me that were hard to hear. He said some things that shamed me. I'm not sure he's right about some of it, but for the most part—KarRa, I love you.”

  The bed fell out from under her. She had told him she loved him often since she came to have an understanding of the concept with Scuffle when she was about twelve. He had never returned the words. He had said other things, beautiful things. But not that.

  Bringing one hand up to cup her face he leaned close. “You are the air around my soul.” She gave a hiccupping gasp. He was always so good with words. “You are an inspiration, a comfort when no other soothes. I beg your forgiveness for the pain these doors have caused. When I felt you go under after my first Change—I was ready to just let go and follow you. I was so tired of fighting, so tired of thinking I’d live at your expense. But they healed us, and everything was so good. Owl, this place, it’s all beyond any dream I ever could have imagined. I was just waiting for you to wake up. Everything was going to be different.”

  Rylan’s big hands clutched at her. “Then Grif told me to stay away from you. He closed the doors on all my hope and excitement, just like he closed the doors on us. If I didn’t love him so much I’d hate him. I started to think with my old patterns. I knew it would be agony to be apart from you, but I thought this was your chance to grow into yourself. To become strong and find a place like I have, so quickly. I thought I would just be a complication from our old life. I was still thinking as I did in the Dark, that I had to make you stronger, had to separate from you.”

  Now she gasped with indignation, but he rushed on.

  “I was wrong. KarRa, I belong with you. You are my soulmate. You came here, giving up a life you knew for me. You crossed that river for me. I hear you demanded to go against the Council and prove my Clan when I was afraid and out of my mind with sickness. You helped guide me through my first Change, lending me your strength. I felt later what that took from you—how weak it left you. You are amazing. My little rabid chuck.” Her mouth trembled between crying and laughing at the old nickname. “You know your skinmark? The feather? Look at how wise you are.”

  She nodded. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. This was a dream and she was so afraid she'd blink and return to the nightmare.

  He let his forehead drop to touch hers. “When I felt your pain today, felt your despair last night, again, all I could think of was how stupid I'd been. Grif and I talked all night, and as soon as I got it all together in my head, I came right over. I was thinking the craziest things on my way over here. It took forever. I didn't know the way and had to keep backtracking. I was selfish—I want to show you how I can fly. I wanted to smell you, to hold you. I don’t want to be doomed to a future without sleep. You know I can't sleep without you.”

  KarRa's deliriously happy brain interrupted with an evil gloom—Unless you've exhausted yourself with fucking. Your lovers help you sleep just fine.

  Rylan kept going. “I thought—‘She's with the Beasts now, how does she keep managing to hurt herself?’” It was an old annoyance of his, that she always managed to injure herself in small incidents yet emerged unscathed from serious ones.

  KarRa barked a laugh again. “I've had a healer twice now.”

  Rylan buried his face in her neck and growled his frustration and she laughed again with joy to have him in her arms. His body rolled in a wave against hers as he tucked his nose behind her ear and inhaled, moaning happily. He hardened against her hip but she knew it wasn't personal. He often became hard holding or sleeping with her. It usually subsided.

  “Your blood spilled is my burden to bear. That you had to face them for the first time alone. That the adoption harmed you. That I listened to Grif and stayed away. No more. I’m not going to be responsible for hurting you ever again if I can help it. I want to hear everything that happened. From the minute you left me at the river in the woods, right through this way overdue meeting. And I have so much to tell you.”

  She couldn't seem to stop laughing. She allowed her hand to reach down and lay on his leg; his muscles leapt under her hand. “That will take awhile. Do you have time? I need a bath. And water. Did you see that they bathe together here? And they have really good tea. I've liked all the food so far except…” his voice joined with hers as they both chimed “—that blue grass.”

  Chuckling he added, “And they don't eat chucks. Not worth the effort, and not many around in the mountains.”

  Nodding somberly KarRa added, “And beneath their dignity.”

  They sat up together. “I'll help you bathe,” he said.

  She hesitated. “I'm not sure you're allowed. It seems to be women only here.”

  “Too bad,” he said, suddenly scowling.

  She couldn't help herself. She reached out to touch the soft waves of his hair. In the sun it sometimes looked like spun gold, but appeared as streaks of light and moderate brown in magelight.
It was longer than hers at the moment, Rylan having neglected to trim it some time before falling ill. It fell onto his forehead, and loosely brushed his shoulders. He made a face, took a leather wrapped many times around his wrist and retwisted it in his hair, making a short tail at his nape. She had never seen the look on him before and huffed her laughter.

  No one was up yet as Rylan led KarRa into the bath. The room was used so often no one ever drew the heavy curtains across the wide arch, but Rylan did.

  “Do you have to use the waste chair?”

  KarRa did and when she came out he was nude, clothes on pegs. She drank in the sight of his body. She still appreciated the sight after all her viewings. Spare and muscled, he was a head taller than she, his shoulders wide, his hips narrow, his thighs corded, his ass sculpted. She even liked his arched feet. Then there was his cock. Even at rest it hung thick, fascinating, from the tangle of golden hair that was two shades darker than the wide strip across his upper chest and the narrower line down his center. He tossed her tunic to the ground and knelt to help peel the leathers off her.

  “I can take my own pants off.”

  “Let me take care of you. I need to. You deserve it.”

  Her memory supplied a vision of him wracked by chills, pouring sweat, cursing her. She smiled. “All right.”

  He helped her sit on the side, jumped in, and lifted her in after him.

  “It's warm!” Standing with her feet braced apart she wiped the water from her eyes. It was delicious, warm and fluffy, swirling all around her like a wet windstorm. It zoomed between her legs in a way that made her think of bedplay and she struggled to focus on his directions.

  After she had bent and wet her head he worked the soap into her hair while she kept her knees bent to lower her chin down to the water so he could reach her head easier.

  “The Owls have an enormous washing room. Our caves are near the top of the mountain, on level eight. Only the Hawks are above us, although this is their clanhome and their cave system's much bigger. Aren't the waste chairs wonderful?”