Wild Within

by Mima

  She was still staring at the curtain, her thoughts stunned, swooping, when she heard Merk's voice call softly, “KarRa, are you there?”

  “Come,” she croaked out. He came in and stopped just inside the drape, clearly surprised at the look on her face. Blinking rapidly she felt the wetness of her lashes, and reached up to touch the strange tracks on her face.

  He came to her, kneeling in front of her, his hands folded on his thighs. “Can I help?”

  She looked at him and felt small, and sad, for what would not be between them, and what they had so briefly had. Swallowing, she whispered, “Can you tell me that Rylan will not decide it is “good for me” to leave me again?” She held her breath, falling into Merk's deep eyes as if the answer would appear there.

  Merk tilted his head. “No, KarRa. I cannot tell you that. But I can tell you that you are in a position now to fight much harder than you did before. You will have children now. More than your skills and his now protect you. He is no longer afraid of fucking you. You are older. All of his excuses are negated.”

  “Not that he can't make up new ones,” KarRa said bitterly.

  Merk nodded. “Then it will be up to you to fight for him. And this time win. You are strong, KarRa. You deserve love. Demand it. Then accept it. If you hold and return it, I do not think your fears will come to pass.

  “Tell Rylan of these fears. He betrayed you, and that will always be between you. He cannot undo it by his sudden righteous claiming at the final moment. He will have to earn your forgiveness, and you have the strength inside you to grant it. But the insecurity he caused between you could last forever. He should know about it, so he can always tend a fire of reassurance. He will have to keep it bright to keep the shadows away.”

  KarRa let out a sob. She reached out her arms and he rose up on his knees and folded her close. “You are so wise. But I do not know if I have the strength that you say. I'm so scared. Why should I take this hard road, when I have another before me?” With her face turned away into his shoulder she found the courage to whisper, “A City life would be easy, something I never thought to have.”

  Merk pulled away and settled again on his knees, keeping a hand loose around her wrist. “You can choose that path if you want. You're right about that future. But the jobs that you had to work harder at, plan and scheme and fight for, those had the biggest rewards. You are meant to be more than happy, KarRa. You are meant to be a shining, blended soul, with a love that is mirrored back into itself into infinity.” He sat quietly, calmly.

  She clenched her fists to stop her fingers from trembling. “I want to lie down and sleep forever. Never wake up. I want to run away and live by the river in the forest until the winter steals my old breath in the night. I…”

  “Well, it's not going to happen. So spend your time deciding instead of avoiding. You have about ten minutes.”

  Rolling to his feet with flowing grace, he nodded a controlled bow and said formally, “I, Merk, Wolf spiritmage, summon KarRa to her mate choice. Please follow me.”

  He went to the door and waited as KarRa stood, rubbing her legs. Licking her lips she nodded to him and they walked out.

  They returned on the long walk to the room she had been to before, just past the Council chamber, which was open and dark. He walked in ahead of her and stopped inside the door.

  Swinging her gaze up to Rylan, dreading a confident, demanding stare, she instead saw him standing with shoulders squared awkwardly, arms hanging loose at his side, with tears rolling down his face.

  She had not seen him cry since Scuffle's death, and that had been the first time she had seen him cry since he held her through the night after her rape, weeping silent tears she did not, the only safe way to cry in the Dark. She hesitated, surprised at the despair she saw on his face. His need and love were laid bare, without any pride. She looked down.

  Merk spoke. “KarRa, your soulmate awaits your choice.”

  Looking up at him, she said quietly but clearly, “I choose Rylan.”

  Chapter 4: Day

  An hour later, KarRa sat on her bed in her room, staring at the ceiling. Freezha slinked in at last, her cheeks blazing, eyes sparkling. “Finally! A happy toes moment!”

  Freezha gracefully folded herself onto the floor in front of KarRa, just as Merk had. She took KarRa’s freezing hands in her own, frowning at their chill and chafing them. “Tell me?”

  “I chose Rylan.”

  Freezha shrieked and launched herself at KarRa.

  KarRa batted her away, feeling snappish. “Shhh! It's late.”

  Freezha ignored her, spinning and leaping around the room. “Oh! Oh! I'm so glad! I hope you have the most incredible fuck of your life!”

  KarRa rolled her eyes. “Freezha will you stop?!”

  Freezha hugged her tightly, ignoring KarRa’s stiffness. “You did right. I know it. Once you sleep on it you’ll see,” she whispered in KarRa’s ear. Shrugging at KarRa’s stony face, she left, and KarRa had nothing to do but sit and remember.

  Rylan had fallen to his knees, shoulders shaking. “KarRa, KarRa, KarRa,” he had cried. She had stayed frozen at the door.

  “I hear and confirm that KarRa has chosen Rylan of the Owl. KarRa, do you agree?”

  “Yes.”

  Merk had nodded, and left.

  Rylan had risen shakily to his feet to take a pace toward her. “KarRa?”

  The uncertainty in his voice broke her heart and she finally unclenched her fingers and went to him, folding into his embrace as she always had, as if the hollow of his shoulder was made to cup her head. Her body at ease against his, her heart thundered crazily, and his pounded, too.

  He bent his head over her and brushed his face back and forth over her hair. Pulling back, he looked at her with wonder and reached out to grab her hand, holding it tightly between his own, almost desperately.

  Looking down at their clasped fingers he choked out, “I was so sure I had lost you. I felt your anger, and fear. KarRa, you have to tell me why you chose me.” He knelt in front of her, as if he would pray to her.

  Her eyes drifted over his face—the chiseled jaw, the blade of his nose, the arch of his brows. The tear tracks could still be seen on his cheeks.

  “I didn't want to.” Her words made him flinch, but he tightened his grip on her hands.

  It was her turn to look at their entwined fingers. “Rylan…” It was so hard to say the words to him. “I'm so afraid you're going to tell me to go away again. To protect me, to “free” me, to give yourself something I don’t want to give… I can't believe that you will want me for long.”

  This last came out in the barest whisper, and with a cry he surged up and wrapped her in a tight hold.

  “KarRa! Never again. I tell you now: I will hold you. I will never turn from you. I will never want another and will never let you leave.” He pulled back, shaking her shoulders as he looked at her with feverish eyes. “Do you believe me?”

  KarRa’s chin trembled. “I believe you mean that now…”

  Rylan threw back his head and roared with pain. Spinning, he paced wildly around the room, fisting his hands.

  Whirling back to her he snarled, “I can never take it back! I did it! I separated us. I will have to live with that decision for the rest of our life. I will not try to explain to you again why I made it. But I thank the elements that came together to give you the courage to allow me to try again. I hope it is because you can sense the truth in my soul—that I love you. I crave you, I lust after you, and I honor you. I have forever and I will forever.”

  KarRa's eyes welled up as she stood limply, looking into his fierce eyes. “It is hard for me to believe. I am not special. I look nothing like your other lovers. I am not beautiful…”

  Groaning with frustration he ground his clenched knuckles into his forehead. “KarRa—you are the woman I will love for the rest of my life. If you died tomorrow, there would be no other.” He glared at her, his scowl at odds with the beauty of his words.
/>
  She dropped her gaze and he padded up to her, tipping her chin up. His voice was softer, but firm. “I, Rylan, see you, KarRa. Your beauty and wit and honor. I see you and I know that you see me. You have seen me at my worst. My worst toward you. I pray that you never see me like that again.

  “I, Rylan, dare to love you still, KarRa. I am KarRylan. Know that the pain I caused you has bounced back to live as deeply in me as it did in you. I can never erase it. All I do is lie awake trying to think of ways to apologize, to make you believe how you still need me, still want me.

  “We are bound in ways I couldn’t break even when I was terrified for you, thinking I was about to die and leave you defenseless. I pray those bonds hold true, now that you are in a place where you truly don’t need me. You will thrive here, finally valued. I want the chance to cherish you, spoil you, dream of a new life with you. I know where you’ve been. I understand your nightmares and the miracle of your survival. I’m finally in a place where I can let myself believe that our bond won’t endanger you, won’t bring you down.”

  His fingers curled tighter to grip her chin firmly. Leaning down to peer intently into her dazed eyes he growled, “Do you know why I was so afraid to fuck you? Have you guessed?”

  “I thought perhaps I was too familiar to you…”

  “No. By the Fire, when I think of watching you take your own pleasure, just inches away. The way your scent tortured me, the craving I had to taste you… You have no idea how many times, how every time I watched you I wanted crawl on top of you, hold you down, drink your blood from your throat, and bury my flesh so deep into you, over and over, and never stop.”

  KarRa's breath caught, her head pulling back unconsciously at this surprising passion.

  “Yes. You will face this. I wanted to devour you. To control your pleasure until there was nothing you could do but take it. It was possessive and violent and ugly.”

  “No—not ugly!” Her hands came up to gently ring his wrist holding her chin. “Never ugly, Rylan. I know passion isn't pretty and gentle.”

  He curled his fingers into hers and stood, eyes glittering down at her, breathing thickly.

  “It was more than passion. It was dangerously close to ownership. It terrified me. I felt ashamed of how I wanted you. And I needed children and I know and understand that you didn't want children in that place. We'll have to talk about children another time. But I hurt you. That's all you need to remember, so you can push out all the anger and pain. It won't happen tonight. But I know it's there, and I know I deserve it. I understand it. I'm so, so sorry.”

  His hand moved from stroking her lip to touch the scar at the base of her neck. “I'm so sorry. But sorry doesn't change what happened. I can only go forward, and show you day by day it will never happen again. And day by day you have to find the courage to believe me, and try.”

  KarRa smiled shakily. “You speak so beautifully. Your words are like touches on the inside of me.”

  He smiled back, a glowing smile full of relief and love. “It’s your beauty, inside and out, that inspires my words. KarRa, thank you for joining with me. I won't disappoint you.” His smile lengthened into mischief and satisfaction. “And for the record, I'm asking you. KarRa, will you be my lover?”

  She blinked at him. “Now?!”

  He chuckled, his eyes crinkling. “If you like.” He took her hand that was still in his and pressed it to his cock, rigid and throbbing in his leathers.

  “Oh! Rylan…” she looked around dazedly at the bare rock room. “Can we go somewhere else?”

  He pulled her to her feet and into his arms. “Oh, KarRa,” he sighed as he wrapped her tight. “We won't love tonight. You're exhausted, and I think, still confused.”

  Pulling back he wrapped his hands around her head and whispered, “But I think I can give you something to dream on.”

  So smoothly, so naturally, his head angled to hers, their mouths meeting in a rush. This time she was a full partner from the first instant, lips clinging, brushing, lingering, tongue flicking, folding, and twirling. He was delicious. He was so warm, so exciting. His body so familiar against hers, and so new. Her arms snuck under his to curl around his back, broad and strong, and up over his shoulders. He tightened, shivered.

  They stood for moments lost in time, an eternity of falling, with their souls flowing through their breath, mingled and exchanged. He was murmuring to her every time their lips came away, my love, my woman, my only, mine, so beautiful, so sweet… KarRa went taut in return as the moments spun on, the soft moist sounds, slight groans and whimpers coming from her making his hips twitch every time he heard them. Panting, the kisses softened to brushing sweeps and he rested his forehead against hers, a move so dear and precious to her that her throat swelled closed.

  The past had goodness in it. The darkness in it would be overwhelmed with all the good that they had shared, the support, the laughter, the trust. She would work to make it so.

  Finally, he pulled away and led her, hands together, side by side, back to the women's caves.

  The next morning, KarRa had Freezha brief her again on the layout of River Mountain. After knowing every twist of her thin circled streets all her life, she found the complexity and vastness of the strange place daunting. Because River Mountain was the seat of the Council, every Clan had a lair that was their territory within its maze. No one entered these private tunnels without escort by that Clan. But it was also the permanent clanhome for three Clans, and they had more extensive caves.

  There were twelve levels to River Mountain, but three of them were subterranean and referred to as underground one, two, and three. This was where an underground lake and hot springs was. The ground level was taken up with the enormous plaza, food service rooms, and storage. The plaza was an enormous empty core that continued up through the middle of levels two through six.

  After breakfast, KarRa sent a note to Cro about her choice, and the women filed out to meet their promised-mates. Freezha, again dressed modestly, leaped with a shout of exuberance onto Vyur, wrapping her legs around his waist. He greeted her stoically, but his eyes betrayed his emotion, full of awe and love and heat. His hands caught her up gently, but KarRa clearly saw the possession in them.

  KarRa shyly approached Rylan. She was uncertain and awkward, but he smiled his beautiful grin and took her hand as if greeting her like this was natural. He led her down the hall, not letting her separate their hands. Squeezing it he offered, “How was your night?”

  “Surprisingly short. Rylan, I have something to tell you that kept getting put aside in all this mating stuff. It’s really important.”

  Tipping his head, he asked concernedly, “Are you all right?”

  “Yeah. It’s a good something.”

  “Well for an important something good, let’s go to the Owl caves.”

  KarRa nodded. “Sounds good. We were talking about the layout of River Mountain at breakfast. I have a lot to learn. It sounds as complicated as the Dark.”

  Rylan laughed. “If we learned that, we can learn this. I haven't explored much actually. I was taken on a tour shortly after I arrived, but I've been in training so much I haven't learned much more than the path from the Owl caves to the main library, and how to get to the plaza. Want to take it on?”

  It was a long walk up to the Owl caves. The caves were not much different than the women’s caves, except for a larger wash room and lounge. Taking her into the comfortable lounge, he sat with her, pouring tea.

  “Tell me.”

  “My spiritmage found my Element.” She watched him cautiously.

  His head jerked up. The spout sloshed tea when he dropped it. He stared at her, shocked. Then that wide, beautiful smile took over his face and he shone like the sun, eyes glowing.

  “Spirit or Air,” he whispered.

  “Spirit,” she whispered back.

  He whooped. Staring at her, he laughed outright, jumping to his feet. “I knew it! I knew it!”

  She jumped up too,
her loud laugh bursting forth with love that he knew what this meant for her.

  “Finally!” he shouted, grabbing her up in a hug.

  “Finally,” she sighed.

  He launched into a wild sashay through the tables, tossing her, manhandling her into spins, until they were breathless.

  Back at their tea, they raised their mugs in a toast. “To Vladaya. Look at this new life we found. Because of you. Here’s to Spirit and Fire.”

  She slugged back a swallow. Sera had warned her that she would be changed. This was change.

  Later, he showed her the Eyrie, a cone shaped room with thick wooden branches set all about the walls. Massive Owls and sleek Hawks took her breath away.

  “Do I get to see you fly?”

  To her astonishment he blushed. “Can I get better first? There’s still a lot of … flopping.”

  She laughed. “Just like old times, learning how to flip from a roof hang.”

  By the time evening drew near and Rylan was walking her back, she was so at ease he took her by surprise when he pulled her suddenly into an alcove with a statue of a woman covered in flowers, the Earthmother. He wrapped her close, rubbing his hips into her, and inhaling deep.

  “I love that my scent is the only one on you.” He dropped soft nibbling kisses on her face until her heart kicked up from waiting for one to fall on her lips. He finally hovered over her mouth, and then surprised her again by dropping to his knees.

  Pushing up her tunic with rough hands, he began to kiss her stomach with hard, nipping kisses, lavishing his tongue in swirls around her belly button before sucking on it softly.

  Looking up at her, he gasped, “KarRa, I have to smell you. Please, please, let me smell you. I won't do anything else, but if I don't take your scent deep soon I think my Owl will take me tonight.”

  Confused, KarRa let her hands drift wonderingly through his hair. “All right.”

  Rylan surged to his feet again, pulling her around the corner, past the now ever-present knot of men at the women's door, and on to the park along the hall. She was surprised to see that it was not a garden at all, but a sort of natural space where a crevice in the mountain let light shine through. It continued in a serpentine river of green away from the hall, brush and small trees all around a slender path worn between them in the dirt.