The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress

by Stein, Gertrude

  This is the way I am thinking of it. In the one in which I first learned to know it it was like this to me. It was like this to me in the first one I came to know it, the substance attacking being is, in its various shaping. In this one it was so dull, so thick, so gluey that it was so slow in action one almost could think of it as resisting but it was not resisting earthy dependent independent being, it was attacking, stupid, slow-moving, it was independent dependent being, it was a different substance in its way of acting, reacting, of being penetrated, of feeling, of thinking than any slow resisting dependent independent being and now there is to be here a very little explaining of how I know this as a kind of being.

  In this one then, as I was saying it was attacking being but very slowly getting into motion but not because it the stimulation was lost into it and had to be remade out of it but because it being shaken it was a slow mass getting into action. I know this distinction, it has real meaning, I am saying it again and again and now I begin again with a description.

  This then the attacking being was first clear to me in one having it as a slow, stupid, gelatinous being that when it got moving went on repeating action, never could get going any faster, had a nervous anaemic feeling that was part of its getting moving and keeping going. The resisting medium has a different kind of action as I was explaining. Now this attacking being when it is vibrant can be nervous and poignant and quicker than chain-lightning, there can be to it a profound complete reaction having the intensity of a sensation. Its sensitiveness is different in kind from that of the resisting kind of being, its sensitiveness is quivering into action not a sensitiveness just existing, but this is all too much to be now explaining, wait and I can tell it, clearer, always it has to be told as it has been learned by me very slowly, each one only slowly can know it, each one must wait for little pieces of it, always there will be coming more and more of it, always there will he a telling of every way the two kinds of being are different in everything and always it is hard to say it the differences between them, always more and more I know it, always more and more I know it, always more I come back to begin again the knowing of it, always I will tell it as I learned it, sometime I will have told all of it, always I am telling pieces of it, more and more I will know it, more and more I will tell it, sometime it will be clear to some one and I will be then glad of it.

  This then is attacking being to me, this then was the way it came first to be clear in me, in one in whom it was slow moving, and in others then I knew it when it was quick and poignant and complete and I saw it, and I knew it as the same substance as this slow moving mass and in all its forms of acting more and more then I knew it. In some as I was saying it is as emotion, in some it is as passion, in some it is as sensitive responding; it has a way of thinking, loving, acting, different in kind from that of resisting being and some time, and it is a very long time too I know it now I am beginning telling all I know all I am always learning, sometime there will have been a complete description of these two kinds of being.

  In some then this quick and poignant and profound reaction has to break through a resisting being lying on it and then it is very interesting in the changing in the action it takes to get through the covering, sometimes it is in some more quivering vibrant at the bottom than through the rest of it and then it is lighted and set in motion the rest that of itself never has more activity than quivering by the more vibrant part at the bottom, sometimes all of it is not more active ever than quivering, this is true in some, in some it is all vibrant and completely poignantly passionately acting, in some its nervousness its most vigorous action, in some it is a big mass always slowly moving but would like to stop acting and a resolute will, a mind, a conviction, education in such a one keeps it moving, sometimes it stops moving, there are so many ways, there are such a various kind of mixing that can be in any one, sometime there will be a history of each one, sometime there will be a description of all the ways resisting being can be in any one, all the ways attacking being can be in any one.

  This then is then one way I have been seeing kinds in men and women, the way I see the bottom natures and other natures in them. Always I see them as kinds, always as kinds of substance and ways of that substance being in them as bottom nature. Sometime all this will be clearer. This is then the way I see kinds in men and women. This then makes every one sometime a clear one, a whole one to me, this is now soon to be more description of such learning by me, of such understanding of the being in men and women.

  As I was saying often for many years some one is baffling; the repeated seeing, hearing, feeling of the being in them does not make clear the nature of the bottom being in them. Sometimes for many years some one is baffling and then it is clear in that one and then by resemblances between that one and other ones many are clear then. This is now some description of such learning. This will be now little short descriptions of learning six of them and how knowing others before helped with these and how knowing these helped with others later. This is now then a little more of preliminary studying.

  There are many that I know and always more and more I know it, they are all of them repeating, they are all of them in some way resembling one to others of them, more and more I understand it, sometimes in each one I know the bottom nature in them, sometimes in each one I know all the natures in them, sometimes each one is a whole one to me, sometime of each one there is a complete history to me.

  There was one then, this one was not baffling for such a long time, this one was of the resisting kind of them.

  Sometime each one comes to be a whole one to me. Sometime the bottom nature in each one, the other nature or natures in each one, the mixing or not mixing in them of the natures in them comes to be clear in each one, each one then is a complete one, each one then keeps repeating the whole history of them.

  Some are puzzling a long time, every one is more or less puzzling sometime, mostly every one is puzzling to me sometime, sometime mostly every one comes to be a whole one to me.

  As I have been saying there is a bottom nature in every one, the other nature or natures in them may be of their kind of them the same kind as the bottom nature in them, if they are resisting, the other nature or natures in them may be of a kind of resisting, they may be of a kind of attacking being. All this makes some one sometimes for a long time very baffling. All this makes each one always sometime puzzling. Always more and more I know it of each one the being in them the mixtures in them, always more and more I will come to have a complete understanding of every one I am ever knowing. This is now a description of my understanding of one.

  This one then was not baffling for such a very long time, this one had times of being puzzling to me, mostly after a real beginning of understanding it comes to me very steadily, not quickly not slowly, this one was of a resisting kind of them with the attacking kind of resisting being almost to the point of succeeding as part of the being in this one. This is now to be some description of this one.

  The first one of those that further back I was describing as showing my way of learning to have each one come to be a whole one in me, that first one was to every one as the natural way of being was one having every one always wanting to have her be with them every one who knew her then, and always every one was flattering her to make it up to her that there was not ever any place for her in living, for always to herself and to every one there was always a good reason why not any condition was the right condition for her living, for always to herself and to every one there was always a good reason why not any condition was the right condition for her living. But always a little somewhere there was a feeling that this was not all the meaning in the being in this one, slowly then some felt in this one the muggy resisting bottom that kept her from ever giving herself to any one unless some one needing her engulfed her by a need of her, they engulfed her then some when they had to have some one. Slowly then some came to know in this one the resisting bottom in this one, slowly then some came to see it in this one that she was of th
em needing to be owning those they need for loving, this is part of this kind of resisting being as I was saying about Mrs. Hersland but in this one it never came to any realisation for this one never really owned any one, resisting to keep from yielding to the need of having other people's having loving feeling, resisting accepting just an ordinary quantity of loving feeling from any one, this kept this one from yielding herself enough to any one so as to own any one, wanting giving loving and having resisting being kept this one from being engulfed by other ones excepting when some one drowned this one, kept this one mostly from ever yielding enough to own any one. As I was saying sometimes some one engulfed this one, always this wore out this one, it was never freely yielding herself to engulfing then, it was wanting to keep ahead of being engulfed by giving and this was very wearing to this one.

  Some then knew this being in this one, slowly then hearing, feeling, seeing all the repeating in this one, slowly then hearing, feeling, seeing every one who knew this one's feeling about this one made it clear to me the whole being in this one, I came then to hear repeating the muggy resisting bottom that kept her ever from giving herself to any one unless one engulfed her by completely using her, by a need of her to comfort them in some sorrow when they had to have some one, by using her and giving nothing to her. This one then had this resisting being that with all the need in her of having loving given to her kept her from ever giving herself to any one even for a little loving of such a one, kept her from ever having a place for really living.

  But this is not all the meaning in this one, she had in her to be muggily resisting except when some one was engulfing her, but also if she could have given herself to some one it would be to own them. She was of the kind of women that have to own the ones they need for loving. This one then never owned any one, and this was that she could not give herself enough to any one to own them, sometimes some one owned this one but this one then was so drowned by this one's owning that she could not loose herself enough to own them, she could only cling to wanting to give to them just enough to keep herself from being completely drowned by that one's owning of her If she could once be drowned by some one completely to not wanting to give to such a one she might have owned some one for loving but this never could come to be in her, she was too busy being drowned when she was drowning, she had not then any strength for owning. So then this one never owned any one, sometimes she was almost drowned by engulfing by some one needing her then. This is interesting and now this one I am now to be describing is of the same family as this one but it is in this one a very different thing this one can engulf those this one needs for living. This will be very interesting.

  This is a little of the way I feel the resisting being in this one and this is the way it acts in this one. Later then, and I have already been beginning, I will then compare it with the resisting being in one. These two then are of the same kind of them but this being in them is very different in its action. To begin then.

  The first one the one when it is lightish brown and gritty a little and sometimes very fluid and thin and sometimes almost dried hard and not really smooth then, in this one then it has a very different action this bottom nature from that in the one where it is dark and smooth and murkier and always about the same state of being a thickish fluid state there in her. These then are two kinds of a kind of men and women. This is now some description of the differences in being and acting, resisting and attacking, loving, owning, yielding, having vanity and stupid being in them, practical and ideal being in them.

  The first one then as I was saying has as bottom nature in her being, resisting, this was then the action of this bottom nature in her that she never really gave herself to any one to own them, though always she wanted to be giving herself to some one, always she wanted to be owning every one, sometimes some one would be engulfing this one, but she was resisting then, and once when she was not resisting some one engulfed her so completely that what she is, the bottom being in her, was watered so thin that it was not of strength enough to cling to any one as dirt to hold them, to stick on them as it would if it were thick enough to own to inclose them by encasing them. This is true then that this one had it to be that the resisting substance was sometimes very thin and never thick but sometimes almost dried up into a grey brown, it looked browner thin, a little more grey when it was not wet, very thin, stuff in her. This being in her then made it that this one never gave herself to any one and never owned any one, sometimes was drowned by some one, always was a little gritty to the feeling of every one. Another one then one I am now beginning to describe as knowing, this one then was darker, smoother, thicker always a thick fluid in the being in her, in the bottom nature of her. There are many men and many women of both these two kinds of the one kind of them, the resisting engulfing kind of them, of men and women.

  This second one then had as I was saying a thicker darker smoother, always as a thick fluid, the bottom nature in her. This one then had a power of engulfing some she needed for living, this one then could own some but mostly this one did not need any one, this being in her was enough to give to her a sense of superiority inside her, she had in her the sense of completely engulfing anything she needed for living and so she had in her a complete vanity a complete sense of superiority to every one. The other one had a sense of being aggrieved at never really owning any one. This one in her thicker, dark, murkier smoother bottom being had not any such feeling, mostly this one was not engulfing any one but the sensation of the feeling of potential engulfing gave to this one a complete sense of superior being to every one, there was no need then in this one for action. The other one, the first one, from her never owning any one and having the feeling of not engulfing any one needed that every one should be flattering to keep this one from feeling too much the fact I hat there was no place for living for this one, the other one did not need such consolation, there was not any place for living for the other one but this was not a need to her, the vanity in her from the bottom substance of her made her completely then impervious to the need of any place for living, this one then when she was not engulfing any one and mostly this one was not engulfing any one this one was then engulfing her own self in the bottom nature in her and this gave to her a complete vanity of being in her, always there was there in her herself to be completely engulfed in the bottom nature of her and this gave to herself a sense of power and this was complete vanity in her and there was then no need in her of a place for living for her.

  Sometimes the being in her led to reckless outbreaks from her. As I was saying resisting being as its way of attacking, attacking mostly in such men and women has not in it the strength for winning fighting, mostly it is weaker than the personal quality of resisting in such of them. In some who have resisting being, attacking is their way of living and mostly such of them are not very strong in winning in living or in fighting although they are, some of such a kind of them, fairly successful in practical living. Winning in loving or in fighting is the test in such of them. Some time this will be clear in them, the men and women having resisting being, sometime there will be very much description of the way of attacking in these men and women having resisting being as their natural way of being, as their way of loving, as their way of winning fighting.

  The first one, the one I was before describing, this one had attacking in living but mostly it was in her as the finding of their being no place to her for living, this was mostly all there was of attacking being in her, always knowing, always finding the good reason why not any place was a place for living to her. The other one had it as making her sometimes have reckless being in her, attacking being at moments was in her, she was then not to herself engulfing any one but the sense of superiority always in her the vanity that was completely inside her there could let her be reckless in attacking and mostly she was then not succeeding, but this did not then lead to any thing for always there was in her complete the vanity and superiority inside her that the power of completely engulfing herself always made in her.
These two are different then, the differences are interesting. They are then two kinds of one kind of a general kind of being in men and women, they have each of them then as a bottom nature in them one kind of one kind of a general resisting kind of being.

  There is another thing in the two of them, efficiency in doing anything. Always in the first one there is a desire to run things and this one does not do these things very well nor very badly either but to herself efficiency is strong in her and this is part of the wanting to own other ones for her living and mostly they do not really have her own them and this always is part to her of there not being any place for living for her. Owning others is a right to her, doing it is not ever very successful in her, always then this one has this desire and always then this one does not ever give herself to do it for any one for really this one must own another one to really contentedly to herself to do the thing for that other one. Sometimes as I was saying some one engulfs this one and then this one can do things for the other one, it is the nearest to owning any one this one ever comes to do in living. Always then not owning any one is the tragedy in this one, always every one flatters this one to make this one feel a little moment that this one owns them or some other one. The second one, engulfing herself giving power to this one, superiority in herself to every one, and complete vanity then being in her, this one does not need doing anything for any one to give to her a sense of owning them. This one is efficient enough in acting. Mostly to this one this is not interesting. These then have in them two kinds of engulfing resisting being as bottom natures in them.