Squirrel Cage

by Cindi Jones

  Andrea burst into tears and immediately left the room.

  The moderator looked to the ceiling as if she were saying “here we go again.” Please hold on and I’ll be right back. She was gone for a bit longer than in our earlier session. She returned with Andrea hanging on her arm. In her left hand, Andrea, held crumpled tissue. With her swollen eyes she apologetically acknowledged me.

  “Andrea, do you have something that you’d like to tell the group?” asked the moderator.

  “Yes,” she said and then followed an uncomfortable pause as she wiped her eyes and blew her nose. “I’m sorry for blowing up like that. I will try to be nicer. I don’t understand all of this but that is why I am here. Please do not try to change my religious beliefs.”

  “Thank you Andrea,” said the moderator. Would anyone like to respond to Andrea?”

  What followed was an outpouring of love and understanding for Andrea. She was a thoughtful mother. She was a beautiful girl. She was understanding. She was sensitive. She was smart. And most of all, through it all, between the lines, everything said conveyed the feeling that she was loved.

  “Well this is a god damned love fest isn’t it?” Jim startled us. “Hey it is cool. I can go with the flow. I have to admit that I want to just sit down here with you all and cry.” And he did.

  We all did.

  “Cindi, I am very sorry.” Andrea managed to get the words out as she fought back the tears. “I know that you have gone through a lot. Please forgive me. I still can’t accept this thing but I know that you are a caring and thoughtful person. And I am so sorry that I called you the devil.” And then she broke into uncontrollable sobbing.

  The moderator looked around the group and feeling strong emotions herself proclaimed. “Look, let’s convene this meeting early today. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.” She stood up and as she turned to the door, I could see her wipe her left eye and then quickly her right eye as she quickly strode to her office.

  Rise from the fall, part 5

  Nurse big brother approached me as I left group. “Dr. Wynn would like to talk to you,” she said. She showed me to his room where he sat seated behind his desk.

  He offered me a seat and the nurse retreated, closing the door behind her. Dr. Wynn stood up and walked around the front of his desk and sat down in a chair opposite. He had a file in his hand which he opened up and then briefly scanned the contents. “I’ve already read the reports and notes from the staff Cindi,” he started. “It looks like you have my staff earning their salaries. You’ve certainly sparked some change around here and I must say that it is refreshing,” he concluded.

  “I know”, I responded “We’ve had drama, comedy, and all sorts of things. And there has been no shortage of interesting things to talk about. I’ve noticed the nurse taking copious notes,” I said.

  “That is for sure,” he grinned. “We had to get her a new pen!” he said with an infectious smile.

  “I have a number of phone messages here. There must be ten or twelve. Do you want to see them?” he asked.

  “No thanks, I really can’t deal with them right now.” I responded.

  “Your mother has called me personally and has demanded that she see you. So has your ex-wife,” he said.

  “Well, legally she is still my wife,” I responded. “There is a waiting period before it is final,” I added.

  “Okay, you just let us know when you want to have these,” he said.

  “Alright,” I acknowledged.

  “I have asked your parents to come in for a counseling session” Dr. Wynn advised. “I’ve told them that this is part of the process and that they must come. Your mother is very upset. I know that she thought that we were going to fix you up and send you home. That we will do. But the results will not be what she expected. For that, I feel obligated to help them understand. They are suffering too Cindi. They are essentially lamenting the loss or death of their son,” he said.

  “I know,” I answered. “This thing is crippling my family from every side and it is killing me,” I added.

  “Look Cindi, this is a serious problem and you are doing everything you can to resolve it. You are following the standards of care the medical establishment has put forth. You have tried to work with your family the best you can. You have committed to support your children. Cindi, is there anything more that you could possibly do to make this any better?” He asked.

  “I just don’t know doctor. If there is, I’d like to know what it might be,” I answered.

  “I know it is difficult,” he said. My job is to try to help them understand. Your job is to stay here and be comfortable. You continue to stir things up in there,” he said.

  “I don’t know if I’ll be doing any more stirring. I think that it’s time to start the healing in there,” I answered.

  “If you didn’t have all of this external crap to deal with Cindi, I’d turn you out right now. You really don’t need to be here. But I think that the rest will do you good, your participation in the group will do us good, and I’ll get to work on your parents,” he informed me.

  “I see that that you have had a real conflict in group with one of the other members,” Dr. Wynn stated.

  I acknowledged the incident and explained it as best I could. “I believe that we are making progress. I could see some serious changes this afternoon,” I told him.

  “That’s very good to hear. I believe that you really need to shake things up every once in a while to get the process of healing started. And you have been a catalyst this week to that end, Cindi,” he said. “Keep up the good work and I’ll see you in a couple of days,” he concluded.

  I went back to the common area and saw that the whole group (minus Andrea) congregated in the dining area waiting for supper to come.

  “We are here together Cindi,” Jane told me.

  “Ya Cindi” acknowledged another. The women all gave me a big hug and Jim slapped me on the back, nearly knocking me over.

  “Jeeeezh Jim, be careful!” I squealed as I caught my balance.

  “I can’t fucking believe this. You girls are not afraid of me,” Jim said.

  “Now Jim, we can love you but not your anger or your cursing,” someone responded.

  “Okay” started Jim, “I’m not going to start another touchy feely love fest! We already had that in group this afternoon. Hey.. its dinner!” In came the rolling carts with our meals. For hospital food, it was really pretty decent.

  We broke up after dinner into smaller groups and we settled into private spaces to talk. Every once in a while some of us would break out in laughter as someone told something funny. And nurse “Big Brother” would write something down. Andrea came out of her cave to fetch a drink from the fridge. I made my way to her.

  “Andrea, I want to make sure that you are okay,” I said.

  “Oh I’m okay. I’m still mad at you and at the same want to hug you. I’m having such a hard time being here,” she answered.

  “Can we talk Andrea?” I queried.

  “Cindi, I’m really sorry but I don’t feel up to it tonight. My mind is just so screwed up that’s all,” she responded.

  “Maybe tomorrow then?” I queried.

  “Perhaps,” she replied as she walked back to her room. She stopped and paused, then turned around. “Yes Cindi, you are right. Let’s talk tomorrow.”

  Only half the group got together for breakfast the next morning. Jim seemed very grumpy… Andrea was there. Our conversation was fairly tense. But we were talking. After breakfast, Andrea and I retreated to the common. Andrea sat on the couch and I folded my legs up under myself as I sat in a chair next to her.

  “Andrea, why did you try to kill yourself?” I asked.

  “Wow, what a way to start a conversation,” she said.

  “But I really want to know,” I responded.

  “Cindi, I just don’t know where to begin. Every day I wake up and know that I am a sinner. I have sinful thoughts all day long. I love my husband and
my daughter but I am overwhelmed by this horrible feeling. I pray and pray and I’m so unhappy. I go to church and I can’t get better. I’ve talked to my bishop and he has been very helpful. He counseled me to pray and study the scriptures. The more I study and pray, the more inadequate I feel. And all the world feels like it is crashing down on top of me all the time,” she explained.

  “What are your sinful thoughts Andrea?” I asked. “Oh… I’m really ashamed to admit this… well one of them is that I detest attending testimony meetings at church,” she said.

  “Andrea,” I responded, “if you asked, I’d bet that 75 percent of the members would agree with you!” I grinned.

  “Well I have others,” she said softly.

  “Andrea, you and I have many things in common. All my life, I’ve felt I was a horrible sinner for my feelings. I went on a mission. I’ve taught Sunday school for years. I’ve been the choir director and taught the boy scouts. I spent many nights after work at the church farm tending to the vineyards alone. I too have sought counsel from my church leaders. Each time they tell me that what I need to do is to attend my meetings, go to the temple often, pray, and study the scriptures. I continued to do these things. I tried my very best but reached a point where I could continue no more. That’s when my deep secret was discovered and that is when I attempted to end my life. Does this all sound familiar?” I asked.

  Andrea stared at me and inhaled deeply. “Yes,” she stated, clearly with her mind wandering in the ether. Then she focused her attention squarely at me. “Oh my gosh, I’m just like you!” she exclaimed in horror.

  “No, you are not just like me Andrea,” I explained.

  “But we do share some common issues don’t we?” I asked. I could see the thoughts turning her little Squirrel cage.

  “I just don’t know Cindi, I just don’t know,” she stated more calmly.

  “Andrea, our church leaders are trying their best. But they are unprepared to handle difficult problems. We really can’t expect them to be able to give us everything we need to be happy. They just don’t have all the answers. I know that this is contrary to everything you have ever been taught,” I said.

  “I know. I haven’t been able to admit it,” she said. “My problems are so trivial to what you have but they are so hard to me that I just can’t face them,” she added.

  “Cindi, I’m trying very hard but I just can’t accept your problem. I’m very confused about it all because to me, you are Cindi but I can’t forget what you used to be… I mean what you are. It all is so unnatural,”

  “You know what Andrea? It has taken my whole life to accept it myself and I believe that finally I have fully accepted it. Right here, this very week. I know with a certainty that this is what I must do,” I explained.

  “You mean you haven’t known until now?” she asked. “Well I’ve always known but was afraid to admit it. Now I know that I am no longer afraid. And Andrea, I want to thank you for being here during this turning point in my life,” I said.

  “Oh no, did I help you decide to do this terrible thing?” she asked.

  “No Andrea, you can only be held responsible for being kind to me when I needed it most. And for that I want to let you know how grateful I am,” I said.

  “Oh, I don’t know what to think of all this,” she said.

  “Andrea, you don’t have to worry about me and my problems. Why don’t you focus on yourself for a while?” I asked.

  “Okay, I suppose you are right. I should be worried about me. Oh my gosh, that's it. I want to worry about ME, I have to worry about ME. Oh Cindi, thank you, thank you,” She cried as she ran off to her room.

  “What in the world just happened?” I thought to myself. I could make no sense of it. What did I just do to that poor girl? I hope that I didn’t do anything wrong. I knew that I had to talk to her about this because I was totally lost.

  Jim looked very uncomfortable as we sat down in the next group session. He kept moving in his seat and clearly was not at ease. The moderator sensed his uneasiness and asked him to start the session.

  “I don’t wanna start the session.” Jim said.

  “Now Jim, you’ll have your turn no matter what, so why don’t you just start for us?” asked the moderator.

  “Okay,” he grumbled, “I quit smoking. I haven’t had a smoke since dinner yesterday”.

  Jane looked at him and exclaimed “Jim! I am so proud of you! I know that it’s tough but I know you can do it.” The moderator continued, “Okay, let’s let Jim tell us what he has to say.”

  “Well as I was smoking after dinner last night I started thinking. If Cindi can change herself into a woman which sounds like the most impossible fucking thing in the world, then I could probably quit smoking those god damned cigarettes which is about the most fucking silly thing in the world,” he stated. And then he sat silently waiting for the group’s cogs to turn.

  After a long pause, the moderator, asked “Okay, who wants to add their comment first?”

  Andrea raised her hand and only after being acknowledged, she queried “Jim, did you really quit smoking because of Cindi?”

  “Naw,” he replied “I just realized that if she can do something hard as that then I could quit smoking. At least people would like me for that! Cindi is going through hell for what she’s doing,” he stated.

  “Isn’t that what he said before?” I thought to myself. But it seemed to answer her question. We went the rounds and Jim was recognized, perhaps for the first time in his life, that he had done something truly spectacular. His face beamed.

  Andrea was next. She opened with a brief synopsis of our conversation earlier that morning. Then she talked about herself and that she was always worried what other people felt about her. I sort of made sense of where she was going. But it was all so very confusing. But she was so excited that the moderator let her ramble. Finally our turn came to make comments and ask questions. I asked her, “What in the world are you talking about Andrea? Slow down please and tell us again.”

  She started again, more slowly “I’ve always worried about being a righteous person. I’ve studied and prayed constantly with my family. I’ve tried and lived my life the best I can. I’ve tried to take care of my husband and my family in a manner consistent with my faith. But it was too much. I couldn’t handle the pressure. I think that I have realized that I can’t be perfect. I can’t worry about what other people think of me, and I need to spend time for myself. I haven’t read a book for years. I haven’t played my flute for as long as I can remember,” she explained.

  It sounded perfectly reasonable to me but I still didn’t understand how that could be such a revelation to someone.

  “And finally,” she said as she glanced my way, “I have come to understand that no one is perfect. I can’t ever be the person that others expect me to be.”

  She was very happy about this sudden discovery and the rest of us shared her joy. Even Jim stated that he was happy for her. I finally understood what she meant. The reach for perfection is a worthy goal but quite impossible to attain.

  Morning turned to afternoon, to another group session. We all got to know each other very well. Another couple of days passed and Jim announced that he was leaving. In our last meeting together, he was the star.

  “I’ve done some really bad things. I’m ashamed for them. Damn this is hard to say without a cigarette. I thought that being cooped up here with all you females was the worst kind of therapy a guy could get. But it has been exactly what I needed. I truly feel sorry for my wife and I hope that she’ll have me back. I know that I can do this. I wish you all the best of luck.”

  After group, Jim singled me out and gave me a big hug before he left.

  “Let me tell you little gal, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I truly love you dear and wish you the very best in your life to come. You take care now, okay?”

  “Thanks Jim, promise me you’ll do good,” I demanded.

  He grasped my shoulde
rs squarely and looked into my eyes. “Cindi, I promise to you that I will. I mean it.” He picked up his things and walked out the double doors with his family.

  With Jim gone, we had a quorum of women only. And… we did have a good time. I’m sure that the hospital staff were concerned that their therapy ward had turned into something else. I think that nurse ‘big brother’ filled three notebooks. For two nights in a row, the staff requested that we knock it off and go to bed.

  I truly can’t remember how many days I stayed in the loony bin. It wasn’t more than 5 or 6 days. The time flew by way too quickly.

  “Hi Dr. Wynn,” I said as I sat down in his office.

  He stood up and came around to the front of his desk and sat down opposite me. “I’ve been able to talk to your parents Cindi.”

  “Oh?” I queried.

  “Yes, they are very nice people Cindi. You are very lucky to have such a fine family. Cindi, they are going to have a tough time for quite a while with this, as might be expected. But I have explained to them that you are doing everything within your power to do the right thing. They are trying to cope and they love you very much. Cindi, you need to love them and always keep in touch with them. They might not understand, but you must maintain your relationship with them. The same is true with your siblings and children, Cindi. But of course, I’m sure that you will. I can see that that these admonitions are superfluous. You have already demonstrated your desire to maintain your family relationships.

  “I have here a couple dozen phone calls that have come in for you. Do you want to read them now?”

  “Sure,” I replied. There were numerous calls from my mother, just as many from my ex and a couple from friends.

  “The numbers are all there so you can call them back,” he explained.

  “Thank you Dr. Wynn,” I said. “I will.”

  “I’ve enjoyed reading the moderator’s and nurses’ notes. I’m delighted that the group has come so far. I’m sure that you have grown in the experience too,” Dr. Wynn said.

  “Yes, it has been a rewarding experience.”