Playing At Love: A Rogue Series Novel

by Lara Ward Cosio

  When she began to pull away, he stopped her by holding her face in his hands and gently pressing his lips against hers, testing her. She didn’t hesitate in kissing him back and could feel the relief in his body as he pressed closer to her. She knew his instinct after all these months, after what he had learned about her and Conor, would be to physically assert himself. He would want to possess her body and get her to promise that she was his. That primal, possessive urge had always existed in their relationship, but she wasn’t ready to give him that just yet. Their reformed connection was still fragile.

  She pulled away and pressed her forehead into his neck. “I want to be close with you,” she said, “but I don’t think we should make love. It’s too much, too soon.”

  He nodded. “Okay.” He paused and looked down for a moment. “Can we share the same bed, though? I want to hold you tonight.”

  She smiled. “I’d like that.”

  ~

  Gavin was sitting on the edge of the bed when Sophie opened the bathroom door. He wore only his boxer briefs and a thin tee-shirt. She had changed into the white soft cotton babydoll nightgown she’d been partial to wearing lately. It was sleeveless and fell to mid-thigh.

  “I like that, darlin’,” he said with a grin.

  She turned off the bathroom light and went to the other side of the bed, slipping under the covers. Although she knew it was ridiculous, she felt nervous to be in bed with him.

  After turning out the bedside light, he joined her. He molded his body to hers as he wrapped his arm around her from behind.

  “Gavin,” she said softly.

  “Hmm?” He pulled her hair away from her skin so he could kiss her neck.

  She took his hand and at the risk of giving him the wrong idea, guided it downward, directing his fingers just inside her panties to the scar there. She stiffened against his touch, but let him explore on his own.

  “My sweet girl,” he murmured, pulling her so that she lay on her back. He moved down the length of her body and gently put his lips to the scarred skin. As he kissed her there, she began to cry quietly.

  “It’s okay,” he told her when he moved back up to face her. “Everything’s going to be okay, Sophie.” He held her and she clung to him in return as she cried more fervently.

  She cried for all that they had been through, all that they had lost, but mostly for the times when she had needed him to hold her like this and he wasn’t there. And she was grateful that he didn’t shush her, and that he instead let the tears run their course.

  “Well, that got messy,” she said with a laugh.

  “I’m here now,” he whispered, ignoring her attempt to make light of the vulnerability she had shown. “I promise you I’m here now. And I’m not going anywhere.”

  Closing her eyes, she rested her head against his chest and smiled because he had read her as easily as she had been reading him ever since he made his surprise visit to her in Sydney. She had never doubted the specialness of their connection. It would have to have been extraordinary to withstand the circumstances of their meeting as kids and then finding their way back to each other several years later. But it was only now that they had been thoroughly tested and returned to each other again that she knew with certainty that what they had was something truly unbreakable.

  He kissed her forehead. “What did the doctors say? About trying again?”

  “There’s a good chance I can get pregnant again, but they would have to monitor the pregnancy closely.”

  “That’s good news, yeah?” She nodded against his chest as he played with her hair. “You let me know when you feel like trying.”

  She laughed. “You think you still want kids after what’s happened?”

  He pulled away so he could look at her in the pale light. “Of course I do. And I want that with you. I’m sorry, darlin’, I know we’re supposed to go slow here but I can’t pretend that I see my future without you in it. I want you to come home to our house in Ireland. I want to make our marriage work. I want to be tripping over our kids. Can you imagine it?”

  “It sounds like a dream.”

  “You and I make our dreams come true, darlin’. There may be rough spots, but we make it through,” he said urgently.

  Sophie struggled for words for a moment before giving up. “Let’s sleep now, okay?”

  He sagged in disappointment before shaking it off. “Okay. Sleep well.”

  ~

  They spent the rest of their visit, taking long walks together or sitting on the deck talking as honestly as they ever had. She questioned whether he could ever get over what had happened and he asked her the same in return. They acknowledged the ways in which they had hurt each other but also agreed they still had something worth fighting for.

  Such a large part of her wanted to forget her reservations and go straight back into her marriage with Gavin. Being with him these past few days had shown her that there was a real chance for them to start again. He was the man she’d always known him to be: caring, passionate, smart, funny, and devoted to her.

  But it seemed cavalier to not take it slow and make sure it was right. She insisted on using her head rather than relying solely on her heart. Her heart had gotten the better of her for years and as a result she hadn’t always cared as well for herself as she did others.

  Now as Gavin walked her into the airport, they had an understanding that they would keep their communication going and assess things once she was back in New York and he was back in Ireland.

  As she looked at him, her desire rose once more. His beard was scruffy after four days without a shave. He wore a tee-shirt that fell against his chest as if the purpose were to reveal exactly what muscle groups he had been working out. And his lips, which had always had a naturally just-kissed rose hue, were an even more intense red due to their insatiable kissing sessions. She silently cursed herself for not having had sex with him. He had been so patient and careful with her, but now all she wanted was to pull him into one of the restrooms and alleviate the tension they had built up.

  “What are you thinking?” he asked.

  “Nothing,” she said with a sheepish smile.

  He smiled and kissed her. “I want you, too,” he whispered in her ear as he pulled away.

  She laughed. “I should go. Call me when you get a chance.”

  “Sophie, my life is all about making chances to talk to you.”

  “Aww,” she cooed. “You’re so smooth.”

  Now he laughed. “It’s true, though. You make me gush romantic. I love you so very much.”

  She hesitated to respond. He had said it so naturally and she normally would have returned the sentiment without a second thought. But she couldn’t pretend that things were the same anymore.

  “It’s okay,” he said softly. “Go on now and have a safe trip.”

  Sophie gave him a long, tight hug and then kissed him slowly, lingering in the taste of him. Turning then, she started toward the security line without another word. Just before moving down the ramp, she looked back and saw him still standing there, watching her.

  Gavin managed a smile before she lost view of him.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  Conor led Gavin through his new four-thousand-square-foot, five-bedroom home, pointing out the views of Dalkey Island with delight, as if Gavin didn’t have the same panoramic views. He was already house-proud, and even more so with the day being sunny and filling the space with bright natural light.

  Though they had similar views, the modern design of Conor’s place, with its glazed glass staircases, mix of premium flooring, including Italian ceramic tiles, and stainless steel finishes made for a more austere feel. The original owner had sunk a fortune into insanely expensive Calamander wood flooring. With its deep chocolate base and rich amber striations, it created a sophisticated, though unintentional, rock and roll vibe in the living and dining areas.

  Conor boasted about the hi-tech “Smart Home” features that wired the whole house for securit
y, audio, lighting, and climate control and was eager to show off the iPad intercom system.

  Large white walls cried out for colorful artwork and Conor told Gavin he looked forward to the process of hunting for pieces that would give the place warmth. Had things been different, Conor would have sought out Sophie’s help in this endeavor since she had spent a couple years at university studying art history.

  They ended the tour out on the large deck on the main level, squinting as the brightness of the sun reflecting off the expansive sea laid out before them. The weather made even clearer why the area was nicknamed the “The Irish Bay of Naples.” Homes were built into the peninsula hillside above the sea, making it one of the most desired neighborhoods in the greater Dublin area.

  “Not bad,” Gavin told him as he shook his hand. “Congratulations, man.”

  “Thanks. Still won’t move in for a few more weeks, but I’m already getting accustomed to it,” Conor said.

  They both watched as a sailboat slowly navigated its way through the blue water.

  “So, your trip was good?” Gavin asked.

  Conor hesitated for a second. “Yes, it was. Greece—especially Santorini—is amazing. I met this kid, a guitarist, on a beach there. It was really cool talking to him about music.”

  “Good, good,” Gavin said absently. He took a deep breath and smiled. “Listen, I wanted to tell you that I just got back from a trip myself.”

  “Yeah? Where to?” Conor rested his forearms on the deck railing as he leaned on it and glanced at Gavin.

  “Sydney. I tracked down Sophie.” He took a breath. “It was good.”

  Conor froze for a moment. This wasn’t a surprise, as he had always assumed the two would get back together. But it still struck him right in the gut.

  Clearing his throat, he said, “That’s brilliant. You’re back together, then?”

  “Not exactly. But we’re going to work on things.”

  Straightening up, Conor looked Gavin in the eyes. It was clear to him now that Gavin had shown up today as a lighter, happier, though slightly distracted, version of himself.

  “You know I wish you both the best.”

  Gavin nodded. “She’s changed,” he mused almost to himself.

  “It has been a while.”

  “She’s more herself, if you take my meaning. More self-assured. But at the same time, just, Sophie.”

  Conor didn’t know how to respond. He wasn’t sure Gavin wanted him to either.

  “It’s incredible,” Gavin continued, “to know we still have that connection. It’s unbreakable.”

  “So, this means you’ve forgiven everything?”

  Gavin looked at him for a long moment. “I told her I understood why she turned to you. That I knew she had love for you.”

  Conor broke eye contact. He wanted to ask what Sophie’s reaction had been to that, whether she had confirmed or denied it, but he held back.

  “And I told her I know you’re a good man. That I’d trust you with her.”

  Despite the forced note in Gavin’s voice, Conor took it for what he wished it to be: a simple offering of closure. He reached out and hugged Gavin, wanting to solidify this gesture before it disappeared.

  For a moment, Gavin returned the embrace without reservation and Conor felt like he had his brother back. Then something shifted. Gavin had made his declaration by sheer force of will and now his resolve was fading. This had been another positive step forward, but it was obvious their connection was still frayed at the edges.

  “Wait until I tell Marty about this! Oh, how he loves your bromance.”

  The two men moved away from each other and looked at Felicity as she made her way down the polished stone pathway on the side of the house. Conor smiled broadly at the sight of her. Seeing her here suddenly made this new place of his feel like home.

  “You’re late, Fee. You missed the tour,” Conor said and kissed her on the cheek.

  “I wonder what else I missed,” she said. She gave Gavin a hug hello.

  “Remind me, I’ve got Sophie’s number for you,” Gavin said.

  “Perfect, I will,” she said, smiling. “So, CQ, I gather you had a fine time in Greece.”

  “I did indeed,” he said. “Look at this tan.” He lifted his shirt to reveal defined pelvic and abdominal muscles above his low-slung jeans. His Irish skin had been miraculously lightly browned by the Greek sun.

  “Oh, put it away!” she said with a laugh and slapped at his arm. “I saw plenty of that in the tabloids. You and Colette were practically naked the whole time from what I can tell.”

  Conor laughed. “That’s what one does on holiday in a place like that.”

  “I could do with some color myself.”

  “No, honey, your skin is meant to be that lovely Irish alabaster.”

  Gavin glanced between Conor and Felicity, their familiar and playful dynamic both obvious and intriguing.

  “Yeah, sure,” she said, dismissing the compliment. “Listen, thanks so much for taking the time to meet me.”

  “You’re sounding oddly formal. What’s up?” Gavin asked.

  “First, know that you can’t offend me or hurt my feelings by saying no,” she started. “Honestly, guys, it’s fine if you’d be uncomfortable with this.”

  “With what? Spit it out, already,” Conor said with a smile.

  Felicity laughed. “I don’t know if you noticed that I don’t have a job.” She winced and then forged ahead. “With moving and my Ma, I haven’t sorted out prospects but . . . oh, god, I feel horrible asking this, but I want to know if my background in public relations could be put to use for Rogue.”

  “Absolutely, Felicity,” Gavin said immediately. “I don’t know why you feel so bad to ask. We’ll get Jamie to work it out with you.”

  “Only if you’re sure,” she said quickly. “I bet you’ve had a slew of hangers-on asking for handouts and such.”

  “Jesus, Fee, you’re neither a hanger-on nor asking for a handout,” Conor said. “You’re looking for work based on real qualifications. To my mind, you’d be an amazing fit with all that we’re doing. You know us. You’d represent us well.”

  Felicity sighed with genuine gratitude. “Thanks so much, guys. It still feels like asking for something I don’t deserve to get into an organization such as yours, but I appreciate being given the opportunity to prove myself.”

  Conor wrapped his arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. “Relax already. You’re hired.”

  ~

  After Gavin took his leave, Conor led Felicity inside the house and they made their way through the open spaces, careful to tread lightly through the construction zones. They ended up at the bank of glass doors in the living area.

  “These individual doors are going to be torn out and this whole section will be a retractable wall of windows system so it completely opens up to the deck,” he told her.

  “Just as it should be,” she said, transfixed on the view. “You really have made something of yourself,” she added quietly.

  “This? This is money. This isn’t me doing anything significant.”

  “You know what I mean. You have all of this because of the music. The impact you guys have had is tremendous. That’s not just my take. I did my research into everything Rogue has accomplished over the past ten years to prepare for my ‘job interview,’” she said and he smiled. “It’s been a pretty exceptional path. The number of bands that already cite you as an influence is incredible.”

  “Maybe so. But absorbing that is beyond me at this point,” he said. “I don’t think I would want to be able to comprehend it. I’d probably be a raging egomaniac if I did.”

  She laughed. “So, Greece was a good holiday?”

  “Em, yeah. Yeah. It is a spectacular spot.”

  “But something happened there?” she asked, hearing the hesitation in his voice. “Met the in-laws, did you?”

  Now he laughed. “Met some of Colette’s extended family. I’ve already met he
r parents in Quebec. That part is all good. And we did have a lovely time over all.”

  Nodding, she took a few steps away and peered at the large kitchen through the wall that was mostly torn down to create an open space. Though everything was covered in clear heavy plastic, she could tell that the cabinets and appliances were of the highest grade.

  “There was this one weird thing at the end,” he continued.

  “Yes?”

  “Colette basically said she doesn’t want kids for quite some time. Said she didn’t want to ‘ruin her body’ while she was pursuing her career.”

  Felicity shook her head and bit her lip, blinking quickly to stave off tears.

  “What is this?” he asked, moving closer to her. “Are you okay?”

  “Damn it,” she muttered and wiped at her eyes. “No, no. I’m fine. I don’t know where that came from.”

  “Let’s get some air.”

  ~

  Outside, with a sudden and strong wind whipping her hair around her face, Felicity took a deep breath and regained her composure. There was a cloud bank headed their way, sure to make the current sunny skies short lived.

  “You okay?”

  His hand felt warm as he rubbed her back and she wanted to lean into him. Instead, she focused on the white-capped water and told herself to ignore how drawn to him she had felt the moment she’d seen him turn to her as she arrived. God he was handsome. And the smile he had given her seemed so genuinely happy. He had a way of making it seem like she was the only one in the world when he looked at her. Which, of course, wasn’t the case. There was the fiancée who was reluctant to have children.

  “Yes, fine. All better, thanks,” she said with an embarrassed smile.

  He was quiet for a long moment. “You’ll tell me when you’re ready?”

  “Yeah, sure,” she said dismissively. “Go on and tell me more.”

  “Em . . . I don’t know. I guess I was going to say that her saying this felt a bit like retaliation for me delaying the wedding. She plays games like that.”