Hold Me

by Anna Zaires

  I grin at him, trying not to think about how Al-Quadar stopped being a threat. Julian hasn’t told me much about that operation, but the little I do know is enough. When our rescuers raided the construction site in Tajikistan, they uncovered a tremendous amount of valuable information. After our return to the estate, every person even remotely connected to the terrorist organization was eliminated, some quickly and others slowly and painfully. I don’t know how many deaths took place in recent weeks, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the body count is well into the triple digits.

  The man who’s holding me right now is responsible for what amounts to a mass slaughter—and I still love him with all my heart.

  “A trip to Paris would be amazing,” I say, pushing aside all thoughts of Al-Quadar. Instead, I focus on the mind-boggling possibility that my paintings might be displayed in an actual art gallery. My paintings. It’s so hard to believe that I ask Julian cautiously, “You didn’t tell Monsieur Bernard to do this, right? Or somehow bribe this friend of his?” Since Julian used his financial clout to get me into the highly selective online program at Stanford University, I wouldn’t put anything past him.

  “No, baby.” Julian’s smile broadens. “I didn’t have anything to do with this, I promise. You have a genuine talent, and your instructor knows it.”

  I believe him, if only because Monsieur Bernard has been raving about my paintings in recent weeks. The darkness and complexity that he saw in my art early on is even more visible now. Painting is one of the ways I’ve been dealing with my nightmares and panic attacks. Sexual pain is another—but that’s a whole other matter.

  Not wanting to dwell on my fucked-up mental state, I jump off Julian’s lap. “I’m going to tell my parents,” I say brightly as I head for the door. “They’ll be very excited.”

  “I’m sure they will be.” And giving me one last smile, he turns his attention back to his computer screen.

  * * *

  My video chat with my parents takes close to an hour. As always, I have to spend a solid twenty minutes assuring my mom that I’m safe, that I’m still at the estate in Colombia, and that no one is coming after us. After I disappeared from the Chicago Ridge Mall, my parents have become convinced that Julian’s enemies are everywhere, ready to strike at a moment’s notice. If I don’t call or email my parents daily nowadays, they go into complete panic mode.

  Not that they think I’m safe with Julian, of course. In their minds, he’s no different than the terrorists who kidnapped me. In fact, I think my dad believes Julian is worse—given that my husband stole me away not once, but twice.

  “A gallery in Paris? Why, that’s wonderful, honey!” my mom exclaims when I finally get around to sharing my news with her. “We’re so happy for you!”

  “Are you still focusing on your classes?” my dad asks, frowning. He’s less enthusiastic about my painting. I think he’s afraid I will abandon all thoughts of college and become a starving artist—a fear that’s beyond illogical, given the circumstances. If there’s one thing I don’t need to worry about these days, it’s money. Julian recently told me that he set up a trust fund in my name and also named me as the sole beneficiary in his will. This way, if anything happens to him, I’ll still be taken care of—by which he means I’ll have enough money to run a small country.

  “Yes, Dad,” I say patiently. “Don’t worry—I’m still focusing on school. I told you, I’m just taking a lighter load this quarter. I’ll make up for it by taking a couple of classes in the summer.”

  The lighter load is something Julian insisted on when we returned, and despite my initial objections, I’m glad he did. For some reason, everything feels harder this quarter. My papers take me forever to write, and studying for exams is exhausting. Even with the lighter load, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, but that’s not something I want to tell my parents. It’s bad enough that Julian is worried.

  So worried, in fact, that he brought a shrink to the estate for me.

  “Are you sure, honey?” my mom asks, peering at me with concern. “Maybe you should take the summer off, relax for a couple of months. You look really tired.”

  Shit. I was hoping the dark circles under my eyes wouldn’t be as noticeable on video.

  “I’m fine, Mom,” I say. “I just stayed up late studying and painting, that’s all.”

  I also woke up in the middle of the night screaming and couldn’t fall back asleep until Julian whipped and fucked me, but my parents don’t need to know that. They wouldn’t understand that pain is therapeutic for me now, that I’ve grown to need something I once dreaded.

  That the cruel side of Julian is something I’ve wholeheartedly embraced.

  As we wrap up the conversation, I remember something Julian promised me once: that he’d take me to visit my family when the danger from Al-Quadar subsided. My heart jumps in excitement at the thought, but I decide to keep quiet until I have a chance to ask Julian about it at dinner. For now, I just tell my parents that we’ll speak again soon, and log off from the secure connection.

  There are now two things I need to discuss with Julian tonight . . . and both will be somewhat tricky.

  * * *

  “A trip to Chicago?” Julian looks vaguely surprised when I bring it up. “But you saw your parents less than two months ago.”

  “Right, for all of one evening before Al-Quadar kidnapped me.” I blow on my cream-of-mushroom soup before dipping my spoon into the hot liquid. “I was also worried sick about you, so I’m not sure that evening counts as quality time with my family.”

  Julian studies me for a second before murmuring, “All right. You may have a point.” Then he starts eating his own soup while I stare at him, hardly able to believe he would agree so easily.

  “So we’ll go?” I want to make sure there’s no misunderstanding.

  He shrugs. “If you want. After your exams are over, I’ll take you there. We’ll have to beef up the security around your parents, of course, and take a few extra precautions, but it should be possible.”

  I begin to smile, but then I remember something he told me once. “Do you think our going there would put my parents in danger?” I ask, my stomach twisting with sudden nausea. “Could they become a target if you’re seen as being in close contact with them?”

  Julian gives me an even look. “It’s a possibility. A remote possibility, but it’s not completely out of the question. There was obviously much greater danger when the terrorists were out for blood, but I do have other enemies. None so determined—at least as far as I know—but there are plenty of individuals and organizations who’d love to get their hands on me.”

  “Right.” I swallow a spoonful of soup and immediately regret it, as the creamy liquid makes me feel even more nauseated. “And you think they might use my parents as leverage?”

  “It’s unlikely, but I can’t completely rule it out. This is why I’ve had the security detail on your family from the start. It’s a precaution, nothing more—but it’s a necessary precaution, in my opinion.”

  I take a deep breath, doing my best to ignore the churning in my belly. “So would our going to Chicago increase the danger to them or not?”

  “I don’t know, my pet.” Julian looks faintly regretful. “My best guess is no, but there are no guarantees.”

  I pick up a glass and take a sip of water, trying to get rid of the sickeningly fatty taste of soup on my tongue. “What if I go by myself?” I suggest without much thought. “Then nobody will think you’re in any way close to your in-laws.”

  Julian’s face darkens in an instant. “By yourself?”

  I nod, instinctively tensing at the shift in his mood. Even though I know Julian wouldn’t harm me, I can’t help being wary of his temper. I may be with him willingly now, but he still has absolute control over my life—just as he did when I was his captive on the island.

  In all the ways that count, he’s still my dangerous, amoral kidnapper.

  “You’re not going anywhere by yourse
lf.” Julian’s voice is soft, but the look in his eyes is hard, like steel. “If you want me to take you to Chicago, I’ll do it—but you’re not stepping a foot off this estate without me. Do you understand me, Nora?”

  “Yes.” I take a few more sips of water, still feeling the aftertaste of soup in my throat. What the hell did Ana put in it this evening? Even the smell of it is unpleasant. “I understand.” My words come out sounding calm rather than resentful—mostly because I’m feeling too sick to get angry at Julian’s autocratic attitude. Downing the rest of my water, I say, “It was just a suggestion.”

  Julian stares at me for a few moments, then gives a minute nod. “All right.”

  Before he has a chance to say anything more, Ana walks into the room, carrying our next course—fish with rice and beans. Seeing my nearly untouched soup, she frowns. “You don’t like the soup, Nora?”

  “No, it’s delicious,” I lie. “I’m just not that hungry and wanted to save room for the main course.”

  Ana gives me a concerned look, but clears off our dishes without further comment. My appetite has been unpredictable since our return, so this is not the first time I’ve left a meal untouched. I haven’t weighed myself, but I think I’ve lost at least a couple of pounds in recent weeks—which is not necessarily a good thing in my case.

  Julian frowns also, but doesn’t say anything as I start playing with the rice on my plate. I really, really don’t want food right now, but I force myself to pick up a forkful and put it in my mouth. The rice also tastes too rich, but I determinedly chew and swallow, not wanting to have Julian focus on my lack of eating.

  I have something more important to discuss with him.

  As soon as Ana leaves the room, I put my fork down and look at my husband. “I got another message,” I say quietly.

  Julian’s jaw tightens. “I know.”

  “You’re monitoring my email now?” My stomach roils again, this time with a mix of nausea and anger. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, given the trackers still implanted in my body, but something about this casual invasion of privacy really upsets me.

  “Of course.” He doesn’t look the least bit apologetic or remorseful. “I figured he might contact you again.”

  I inhale slowly, reminding myself that arguing about this is futile. “Then you know Peter won’t leave us alone until you give him that list,” I say, as calmly as I can manage. “Somehow he knows that you got it from Frank last week. His message said, ‘It’s time to remember your promise.’ He won’t go away, Julian.”

  “If he keeps harassing you via email, I’ll make sure he goes away for good.” Julian’s tone hardens. “He knows better than to try to get to me through you.”

  “He saved your life and my life,” I remind him for the dozenth time. “I know you’re mad that he disobeyed your orders, but if he hadn’t, you’d be dead.”

  “And you wouldn’t be having these nightmares and panic attacks.” Julian’s sensuous lips flatten. “It’s been six weeks, Nora, and you haven’t gotten any better. You barely sleep, hardly eat, and I can’t remember the last time you went for a run. He should’ve never put you in that kind of danger—”

  “He did what was necessary!” Slapping my palms on the table, I rise to my feet, no longer able to sit still. “You think I’d be feeling better if you died? You think I wouldn’t have nightmares if Majid mailed us your body in pieces? My fucked-up head is not Peter’s fault, so stop blaming him for this mess! I promised him that list, and I want to give it to him!” By the time I get to the last sentence, I’m full-on yelling, too angry to care about Julian’s temper.

  He stares at me, his eyes narrowed. “Sit down, Nora.” His voice is dangerously soft. “Now.”

  “Or what?” I challenge, feeling uncharacteristically reckless. “Or what, Julian?”

  “Do you really want to go there, my pet?” he asks in that same soft tone. When I don’t respond, he points at my chair. “Sit down and finish the meal Ana prepared for you.”

  I hold his gaze for a few more seconds, not wanting to give in, but then I lower myself back into my chair. The surge of defiant anger that came upon me so suddenly is gone, leaving me drained and wanting to cry. I hate the fact that Julian can win a fight so easily, that I’m still not fearless enough to test his limits.

  Not over something as minor as finishing a meal, at least.

  If I’m going to defy him, it will be over something that matters.

  Dropping my gaze to my plate, I pick up my fork and spear a piece of fish, trying to ignore my growing queasiness. My stomach churns with every bite, but I persist until I finish nearly half of my portion. Julian, in the meantime, polishes off everything on his plate, his appetite obviously unaffected by our argument.

  “Dessert? Tea? Coffee?” Ana asks when she comes back to clear off our plates, and I mutely shake my head, not wanting to prolong the ordeal of this tense meal.

  “I’ll pass too, thanks, Ana,” Julian says politely. “Everything was wonderful, as usual.”

  Ana beams at him, clearly pleased. I’ve noticed that Julian has made it a point to praise her more often since our return—that in general, his manner toward her is slightly warmer these days. I don’t know what caused the change, but I know Ana appreciates it. Rosa told me the housekeeper has been all but dancing on air in recent weeks.

  As Ana begins clearing off the table, Julian gets up and walks around to offer me his arm. I loop my hand through the crook of his elbow, and we head upstairs in silence. As we walk, my heart starts beating faster and my queasiness intensifies.

  Tonight’s argument only confirms what I have known for a while: Julian is never going to see reason on the issue of Peter’s list. If I’m to keep my promise, I will have to take matters into my own hands and brave the consequences of my husband’s displeasure.

  Even if the thought of that literally makes me sick.

  Chapter 5

  Julian

  As soon we enter the bedroom, Nora excuses herself to freshen up.

  She disappears into the bathroom, and I undress, enjoying the freedom of having both arms unencumbered by a cast. My left shoulder still aches during exercise, but I’m regaining my strength and range of motion. Even the loss of my eye doesn’t bother me that much; the headaches and eye strain are lessening by the day, and I’ve learned to compensate for the blind spot to my left by turning my head more frequently.

  All in all, I’m pretty much back to normal—but I can’t say the same about Nora.

  Every time I wake up to her screams, every time she starts hyperventilating out of nowhere, a toxic mixture of rage and guilt blankets my chest. I’ve never been prone to dwelling on the past, but I can’t help wishing that I could somehow rewind the clock, undo the unintended consequences of my fucked-up choices.

  That I could have Nora—my Nora—back.

  She slips out of the bathroom a few minutes later, already showered and wearing a white fleece robe. Her smooth skin is glowing from the hot water, and her long, dark hair is piled haphazardly on top of her head, exposing her slender neck.

  A neck that’s beginning to look far too delicate, almost frail from her weight loss.

  “Come here, baby,” I murmur, patting the bed next to me. I had contemplated punishing her for her outburst at dinner, but all I want to do now is hold her. Well, fuck her and hold her, but the fucking can wait.

  She walks toward me, and I reach for her as soon as she’s within arm’s length. She feels disturbingly light as I tug her down to my lap, the shadows under her eyes betraying her exhaustion.

  She’s completely worn out, and I don’t know what to do. The therapist I brought to the estate three weeks ago appears to be useless, and Nora refuses to take the anti-anxiety meds the doctor prescribed for her. I could force her, of course, but I distrust those pills myself. The last thing I want is to get Nora hooked on them.

  The only thing that seems to help her—temporarily, at least—is an emotional release achieved thr
ough sexual pain. It’s something she requires now, something she begs for nearly every night.

  My pet has become as addicted to receiving pain as I am to giving it—and that development both pleases and devastates me.

  “You barely ate again,” I say softly, settling her more comfortably on my knees. Reaching up, I free her hair from the clip holding it up, and watch the dark mass spill down her back in a thick, glossy stream. “Why, baby? Is there something wrong with Ana’s cooking?”

  “What? No—” she begins saying, but then she corrects herself. “Well, maybe. I just didn’t like the soup today. It was too rich.”

  “I’ll ask Ana not to make it in the future, then.” I distinctly remember Nora eating the soup and loving it before, but I decide against reminding her of that. I don’t care what she eats, as long as she stays healthy.

  “Just please don’t tell her that I complained.” Nora’s gaze fills with worry. “I wouldn’t want her to be offended.”

  “Of course.” A smile tugs at my lips. “I’ll take your secret to the grave, I promise.”

  An answering smile appears on her face, lighting up her features, and I feel much of the lingering tension between us dissipating. “Thank you,” she whispers, staring at me. Then, placing one small hand on my shoulder and another on the back of my neck, she closes her eyes and presses her soft lips to mine.

  I inhale sharply, my body tightening with instant lust. Her breath is sweet and minty, her slight weight warm in my arms. I can feel her slender fingers on my skin, smell her delicate scent, and my spine prickles with growing hunger, my cock hardening against the curve of her ass.

  This time, though, the hunger doesn’t come with the need to hurt her. Instead, it’s tinged with tenderness. The darker impulses are there, but they’re overshadowed by my stark awareness of her fragility. Tonight, more than ever, I want to protect her, heal her from the wounds she should’ve never sustained. I want to be her hero, her savior.