by Maegan Abel
He blinked and started a whining sort of cry that I knew was part confusion and part fear. I put my hand on the side of his head carefully and he blinked, forcing his eyes open.
“Daddy?” he asked in a rough voice. I couldn’t help but grin.
“I’m here, little man. I’m right here,” I said, letting the relief flood through me. He was going to be fine.
“Mommy crashed the car,” he said, his voice trailing off as his eyes slipped closed.
“I know, buddy. But you’re okay. You can go back to sleep,” I said, brushing the hair back from his face. He needed a haircut. I hadn’t noticed the last time Tom and Marna brought him to see me.
“Are you feeling okay? Does it hurt? Do you need medicine?” Lizzie asked, hovering across from me where she had moved to be closer to him. He took a deep breath but didn’t answer, his tiny hand going slack in mine as he succumbed to the sedation again. “What happened?” She directed the question to me.
“He’ll be in and out while it wears off, Lizzie. Damn. Calm down. You’ll just make him anxious if you hover.”
“Well, excuse me for being a concerned parent,” she snipped. I leaned down, kissing Conner on the forehead before I turned to face her. I grabbed her arm, pulled her a short distance from his bed, and looked her directly in the eyes.
“You really don’t want to get into this with me right now. Stay with him. I’m going to let everyone know he’s okay.” I released her elbow, glancing back at Conner to make sure he was still sleeping before I stormed out of the room.
I pushed all thoughts of Lizzie aside as I walked down the hall. I hated this fucking hospital. It felt like I’d spent days here, waiting to beg Lili for forgiveness after she was attacked, worrying that she wouldn’t pull through. I hated the helplessness of those memories right now.
As I rounded the corner, Lili’s face was the first I found. She’d been pacing. As soon as she saw me, her fingers dropped from her lip where she’d no doubt been tugging at her piercing while she waited. She ran toward me and the rest of our family, Tom and Marna included, came forward to hear the news.
“He’s going to be okay. He apparently hit the front seat with his left shoulder. He’s got a broken collarbone and dislocated shoulder but just some bumps and bruises other than that,” I explained and Lili leaned into my chest. I wrapped an arm around her and kissed her head as everyone started talking at once, relieved that he wasn’t injured further. I was relieved too, but I was still furious. He shouldn’t have been hurt at all.
“Is he awake?” Tish asked, clearly wanting to see him.
“No. Not really. He woke up once so he’s starting to come out of it but it’ll be a little bit. You guys can head home if you want.” I glanced down at Lili, who was already shaking her head. I knew she would stay as long as I did.
“We’ll hang out for a bit,” Kas said, rubbing my arm and giving me a smile. “He’s a fighter. Like his Daddy. He’ll be up and running around before you know it.”
I nodded and glanced back at the hallway. I wanted to get back to him but that meant dealing with Lizzie.
“Go. We’ll be here,” Lili said, standing on her toes to kiss me quickly before pushing me lightly toward the hallway.
“Can I borrow your phone?” I asked, hating that mine was dead when I needed to make a call.
“Sure,” she said, pulling it out and handing it to me without question. I kissed her again before heading down the hall. I paused in the corridor, turning toward the stairs. I needed privacy for this.
It was late afternoon when Conner finally pulled through the sedatives and woke up without falling right back to sleep. He seemed to be in a small amount of pain after the doctor left to get his release forms. He frowned at the sling on his arm.
“It’s only temporary,” I promised. He looked up at me, disappointed.
“No cast this time?”
“No, bud. No cast this time.”
“I wanted Uncle Teesh to draw on it again,” he pouted and I couldn’t help but laugh. The mind of a child was a wonderful thing. The horror of a day like today was pushed aside by the smallest of things.
“I bet if you ask Uncle Tish, he’ll draw on the sling for you,” I said.
“Will he take me to his work and let me sit in his chair?” His eyes brightened.
“We’ll ask him later. I promise,” I said, pacifying him for now as he relaxed back against the pillows.
“You’ve been taking him to the shop?” Lizzie asked, at least having the decency to keep her voice low enough that he couldn’t hear her.
“Go back to your room, Lizzie. I’ll be there as soon as Conner leaves with your parents,” I said, hating the look of shock on her face. I hadn’t once asked about her since I’d been here but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned. She seemed to be in pain and I was worried about the baby, as much as I hated to admit it, even to myself. I didn’t want this kid to be mine but the thought of her losing it, of never knowing, made me sick to my stomach in almost the same way I felt worrying about Conner.
She said bye to Conner and promised she’d see him later as the doctor came in with the release forms and prescription. He gave me a quick rundown of the aftercare basics before having me sign a few papers. I walked Conner out to the waiting room and he ran toward Tish when he saw him, clearly still feeling the effect of the pain relievers they had given him. I smiled until I saw Tom and Marna approaching.
“I need you to take him back to your place,” I said. I glanced over at Conner, who was describing what he wanted on his sling to an enraptured Tish and Kas. Paige and Lili were both watching me, though. “I’m going to stay with Lizzie and make sure she gets home.”
“That’s no problem,” Marna said, visibly relaxing at my words. They’d thought I would fight them. I hadn’t meant to give them false hope.
“Once I get her settled in at her place, I’ll be coming by to pick him up. I’d appreciate it if you had his things packed.”
“Zane, you can’t be serious,” Tom said, almost like he was scolding Conner instead of me.
“I’m dead serious. And I mean exactly that. She nearly killed my son today and I’m done giving her chances.” I realized I’d raised my voice and my eyes caught Tish’s. Conner was still talking to him but he nodded, clearly having heard me. “I spoke to my lawyer already. I’m going for full custody of Conner. If you fight me on this, I’ll just get an emergency custody order.”
“Let’s stop and think about this. You’re clearly emotional right no—” Marna started, but I cut her off.
“Stop and think about what? The fact that my son could’ve been killed today because his mother didn’t care enough to put in him in the fucking car seat? He could’ve died. He—” I stopped, feeling the eyes of my family on me. I took a breath to calm myself, but never glanced their way. “I’ve seen kids die. I’ve had to pull their bodies out of cars. I won’t let Conner be one of them. Not if I can protect him.” I knew I was being graphic but I was making a point. “I’m not taking him from your lives completely. He needs his grandparents and I understand that. But if you fight me, it will only make this worse.”
They both looked crushed and I stepped back, glancing at Conner who was sitting on Lili’s lap now, still chatting away.
“We’ll be at the house,” Marna said as she moved toward Conner. She was fighting tears and a part of me hated being so direct but I’d trusted them to protect him and they let him in a car with Lizzie who, though I hadn’t seen a tox screen yet, had probably been high. And if she had, that meant that she was endangering two children today, not just one. I silently fumed as I hugged Conner carefully, letting him know I would be picking him up later so he could come stay with me.
Once Tom and Marna left with him, I turned to face the rest of my family.
“You’re going for custody?” Tish asked, verifying what he assumed from what he’d overheard. My eyes flicked to Lili and she smiled, reaching out to twist her fingers into
mine.
“Yeah. She… she didn’t even have him in a car seat. I can’t… he’s not safe with her and I need…” I swallowed but I didn’t have to finish. They’d all been waiting for this to happen. I choked back the emotion as they all told me they were behind me. They thought this was the best thing for Conner and they would do whatever it took to help me. Having the support of my family was what I needed right now but it didn’t stop the fear that flooded my veins.
If I lost, I would most likely lose what rights I had over Conner now.
I would lose him completely.
I couldn’t lose.
I tried to stifle the feeling of jealousy when Zane went back to find out how Lizzie was doing. He didn’t ask me but I knew he could see how much I hated it. I hadn’t once asked about her but neither had anyone else. Before he left, I could tell he was concerned. I slumped in the chair, pulling one knee up and dangling my foot over the armrest of the chair beside me as I stared blankly at the television mounted in the corner of the waiting room.
I hated hospitals. I hated Lizzie for being irresponsible. I hated myself for the spiteful thoughts I was having about Lizzie, knowing that her being in pain was hurting Zane.
What’s worse was I didn’t even have my phone to help occupy my time. Sighing, I tried to focus on the boring news report but the insipid voice of the newscaster only brought its own flood of memories and I quickly tuned her out. I didn’t want to think about Hunter right now. Actually, I’d been doing well with not thinking about him at all before Kaitlyn showed up. Now he seemed to be rooting himself in my brain, stretching out like a weed, poisoning my thoughts, choking out my confidence.
“Lee?” I started at Tish’s voice, swallowing and blinking as I realized I must have fallen asleep. “Hey, Zane just called and they’re about to release Lizzie so we’re going to head out. You coming?”
My heart was pounding as I grasped at the tiny fragments of the dream in my mind, reaching as they slipped through my fingers. What had I been dreaming that had me so scared? I wiped my palms along my jeans and shook my head, letting out a long breath as I steadied myself. I needed Zane. “No. I’m going to wait for Zane.”
“You okay?” Kas asked.
I spotted Paige standing near the door looking exhausted. She’d been uncharacteristically quiet throughout all of this and I wondered briefly if she was just waiting for the right moment to make another dig at me. I didn’t think I could take it on top of everything else that had happened today. I really wasn’t going with them now.
I pushed myself to my feet, brushing my hair off my forehead as I tried to discreetly wipe away the sweat. The feeling of terror still lingered in my bones but I brushed it aside, knowing it was just the effects of the nightmare. I hadn’t had one in weeks and I hated that I’d become so accustom to sleeping beside Zane that the first time he wasn’t there, they came back.
“I’m fine. I’ll see you guys at the house,” I said, not giving them a chance to argue over my obvious lie before I headed down the hall. I had to stop and ask what room Lizzie was in, pretending to be a visitor, and it made my stomach churn.
As I approached the door, it opened and Lizzie laughed at something. Zane looked up from where he was holding the door for her, the smile sliding from his face when he spotted me.
“Hey,” he said as they stepped out into the hall. Lizzie was back in her street clothes, holding papers that I assumed were for her release.
“I…” I glanced over my shoulder, suddenly wishing I had just left with Tish. Dealing with Paige would’ve been easier than seeing them actually happy together. “I just…”
“Did Tish wait? I told him I would see you guys at the house,” Zane said, glancing down the hall, clearly confused.
I shook my head. “No, they just headed out. I was going to wait for you.”
Zane frowned, glancing sideways at Lizzie who was silently watching us, obviously enjoying my discomfort. “You should go catch them. I’m going to get her settled in at home.”
My breath caught briefly at the way he said home, like it was something they shared. He wasn’t supposed to drive but he didn’t seem to care about that and I couldn’t make myself say it because I knew he’d find an excuse. He was clearly dismissing me and I felt ridiculous for having let myself need him today. I straightened, not allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of either of them.
“Right. Okay,” I said, giving him a smile I didn’t feel as I pretended the rejection rolled off me rather than impaling me through the chest. I couldn’t breathe and I needed to get away. I tossed him his keys and walked past him toward the side parking lot where Tish had headed.
“Lili,” Zane called out to me and I closed my eyes, swallowing before I turned back. I hated that he’d just called me Lili. I was pretty sure I hated him more when he held up my phone.
I took the few steps back to him and grabbed it, trying for a grateful smile. He caught me as I turned away again. I glanced down at his hand covering mine before looking up into his eyes. I couldn’t hold back my anger but just as I was about to yank free, he squeezed my fingers.
“My heart,” he said, his voice sincere. He ran his thumb across my wrist as the honesty in his eyes chipped away at the sharp edge of my anger. This was his reminder to me of our earlier conversation; his way of telling me that he was mine and mine alone. And he was doing it in front of Lizzie.
“Mine, too,” I replied, my voice trembling slightly as I returned the pressure of his hand. My reminder that he could hurt me; my hope that he wouldn’t.
Tish had just gotten to the car when I called so they pulled around to pick me up at the side entrance. I stayed quiet on the ride back to the house, trying not to think about what Lizzie had found funny in their situation or what they might be talking about now. I trusted him.
Didn’t I?
Wasn’t this exactly what I knew was going to happen? If I stayed with him, I’d have to get used to this. If? The word, even though I’d only thought it, stopped me cold. There was no if. Not for me. I’d told him this morning that he owned every piece of my heart and I meant that.
When we got to the house, Paige dropped into the recliner in the living room and I headed back to the bedroom Zane and I shared. Apparently, I’d be moving again. I wasn’t sure where I’d sleep but I wasn’t comfortable sharing a bed with Zane while Conner was in the same room. Zane probably wouldn’t be either. I had thrown things around and hadn’t really taken the time to unpack anything from his hospital stay anyway.
At least it would be something to do to keep my mind occupied. I silently worked, starting a load of laundry and packing my things back into my bag before stashing it in Zane’s closet. I pulled his bag off Conner’s bed and started putting his things away next, making sure both beds were made.
By the time I changed the laundry loads, I’d run out of things to do. I was going to clean the bathroom but I dropped onto the foot of the bed instead. I needed to grab a pillow and blanket from the hall closet but doing that meant honestly facing a night without Zane and the memory of the fear I felt today burned almost as much as the fear itself. No doubt I would have nightmares, but that wasn’t his problem, it was mine.
“Lee?” Tish tapped on the wall beside the open door. I could still see the cracks in the wood around the latch where Kas had broken it. Fuck, we really seemed to be destroying this house recently. “You good?”
“Yeah, just about to grab a pillow and blanket for the couch,” I said with a smile. I didn’t know why I bothered. I didn’t want to lie to Zane but I couldn’t lie to Tish. He moved into the room, sitting beside me on the foot of the bed.
“It’ll mean a lot of changes, you know. You okay with that?” he asked and I knew right away he meant Conner living here full time. I didn’t hesitate.
“He’s worth it.”
“Conner or Zane?”
“Both of them. They’re worth it,” I answered, realizing I should’ve said that the first time.
> Tish nodded but didn’t get up to leave the room. He seemed to hesitate, which was unlike him, and I worried about what he was trying to build up to.
“What?” I finally asked, tired of the anxiety.
“You do know that in order for him to start this trial, the lawyers will run background checks on anyone living in the household where Conner will be residing, right?” he asked, but it wasn’t really a question because he knew the answer.
My body turned cold at the thought and I shook my head, not sure what to say. Even if I’d known what to say, I’m not sure I could remember how to speak.
“Hey. It’s okay, Lee.” Tish grabbed my shoulders, making me look at him. I could feel the panic and I knew it was written all over my face. “Listen, he already knows your name isn’t Lili. The rest of it, whatever it is, he’ll help you deal with it. You know that. We’ll all help you.”
I tried to take in his words, knowing he was right but still feeling the dread at having to say the words, of having them judge me… or who I used to be.
“Just be honest. That’s all you can do. The paperwork you got to get jobs here is good but it’s not worth lying about on something like this. If you lie and get caught, Zane could lose his son.”
I was shaking my head before he finished speaking. No. It wasn’t worth it to lie. I would just tell the truth. He was worth it. They were worth it.
“They’re worth it,” I said in a small voice. I swallowed and the sound of the dryer buzzing from down the hall broke the heavy silence that was becoming more weighted by the moment. I would have to tell them. I needed to tell them first, before I filled out any papers. If Zane wanted me to leave the house so my past didn’t complicate things for him legally, I would. I would do whatever it took to help him get his son, no matter what the cost.
