by Maegan Abel
They were worth it.
I had expected Lizzie to flip out when I told her I had contacted a lawyer and she hadn’t disappointed. Even though she was told to stay calm and monitor her still too high blood pressure for the sake of her baby, she proceeded to scream and even throw a few punches. Her reaction, while completely over the top, was proof that somewhere deep down, she did care about Conner.
I still didn’t feel guilty for fighting for him.
I’d left her while she was still in a rage but at least she was home safe and hopefully she would have time to calm down.
“Hey,” Lili’s soft voice floated into the bedroom and I glanced up from the screen of my laptop, blinking as my eyes adjusted to the darkness in the rest of the room. I looked over, seeing Conner’s sleeping form in his bed before I slipped off my own and moved toward her.
“Hey yourself,” I said, bending down to kiss her softly. “Are you sure about the—”
“Yes, Zane. The couch is fine.” She cut me off, her voice still a whisper as I closed the door behind me. I turned back to face her, my mouth open to speak but the look on her face brought me up short. She was pale and fidgeting, twisting her fingers as she glanced back down the hall.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, immediately reaching for her. She stepped back quickly, looking almost panicked.
“No. Don’t. I…” She glanced over her shoulder again and closed her eyes, seeming to steel herself before she spoke again. “I need to talk to everyone. In the living room. Will you…” She gestured toward Paige’s door and I frowned at her, unsure what was going on.
“Pix—”
“Please, Zane? Please just… let me do this my way?” she asked, her expressive eyes pleading.
“Okay.” I nodded, turning toward Paige’s room. Whatever was bothering Lili, she needed space to handle it and I was willing to respect that.
I knocked on Paige’s door, waiting for her to reply before I opened it. She was lying across the bed on her stomach, her laptop open in front of her.
“Hey, Lili wants to talk to everyone,” I said, nodding my head behind me toward the hallway, letting her know I needed her to come with me. I expected her to huff or complain or start cursing but she just frowned and nodded, closing the laptop and following me down the hall.
Lili was coming from the other direction and she gestured toward the living room. I didn’t argue. If she was more comfortable in the living room for this discussion, then what did it matter? Kas and Tish followed Lili and when Tish met my eyes, I saw the warning in them. He knew Lili was about to say something important and what he knew, he worried about. He apparently also worried about my reaction.
Tish took his normal spot in the recliner with Kas on his lap and Paige took one end of the couch. I sat in the middle, hoping Lili would sit beside me but she didn’t make any move toward it. Instead, she stood at the archway of the living room, clearly uncomfortable and trying again to gather her courage. None of us spoke and as the silence stretched, Lili’s obvious apprehension began seeping into me.
“Okay,” she said finally, nodding as she looked at the window behind me and toward the front door before releasing a long breath. “Okay. I… I know that since Zane is going to fight for Conner, all of us living here will have to fill out forms for a background check.” I felt my eyes widen at her words. Was that what all this anxiety was about? “I don’t care. I’ll do it, but… but there are things you should all know and you should hear them from me.” She paused, looking around but not really meeting anyone’s eyes. She let out another long breath through her lips and knotted her fingers together in front of her.
“My birth name is Kylee Camden. As you figured out a few days ago, I have a twin sister named Kaitlyn. Our parents…” she trailed off, looking so uncomfortable with this entire conversation that I wished I could tell her to stop. I wished I could, but my own fucking curiosity was overruling the need to protect her right now.
“We came from money. The kind of money that didn’t know what life was like without money. My grandparents were wealthy. My great-grandparents…” She waved a hand and sighed. “They wanted a baby. A baby. One. Actually, they didn’t really want a baby so much as need one to keep up with the circle of friends that they surrounded themselves with who were all procreating. They never made us feel like one of us was unwanted or anything like that, but they didn’t really raise us either. That’s what nannies were for. They just… threw money toward any activity they could put us in that would keep us out from under foot.” She was pacing now, her eyes on the carpet as she spoke.
“When we were three, we started tumbling and ballet. By six, we were the top of the class in all of our activities. That’s what happens when your parents pay for extra lessons to keep you busy. By eight, it was obvious where our loves were. Kaitlyn was good at dance but she loved gymnastics and she excelled at it. I was great at both but my heart was in dancing. I could lose myself completely in the beat of any music and it was all I wanted to do. But they wouldn’t let us quit either activity because they kept us busy.” She backed up to the wall, making Tish spin his chair to continue looking at her as she slid down to the floor. Her hands were shaking as she pushed her hair back, clearly building to something. The moment she said gymnastics, I knew Hunter Davis would have a part in this story.
“Until our gymnastics coach offered them a way to make that our entire lives. He told them that we were good enough to get into elite gymnastics but it would mean we would have to drop out of school and train eight to ten hours a day. It was their dream come true.” She gave a derisive laugh as she looked down at her hands in her lap. “I didn’t want to give up dancing. I never fought with them about anything but I fought them on this. I wanted to dance. But I was nine. Naturally, I had no choice but to do what my parents wanted.” Lili was quiet for a long moment and I couldn’t tell if she would continue… if she could. She drew her knees up, crossing her ankles and curling in on herself where she sat against the wall. I glanced at Tish, who was staring at her with a look of concern and I knew I wasn’t the only one who could feel her dread. Every breath I took felt laced with it.
“Within just a few years, we had risen to the top. Not just in our gym, but in the nation. We started competing worldwide and when Kaitlyn and I both placed at Worlds, there were whispers of the upcoming Olympics surrounding us. We were in the top of our game.” She stopped again and her breathing seemed labored. My own sped in response to the terror I could see in her eyes as she stared at the blank television screen. She wasn’t seeing it. I wasn’t even sure she was really here anymore.
“I was trying to up my difficulty on the bars by adding a few more release moves to my routine. It was something I worked on all the time. The rule was, if you stayed late, you stayed in the practice gym and one of the assistants had to stay with you. I stayed a lot. There were five assistant coaches in the gym and one of them was one of our top male gymnasts. He was basically the male counterpoint to Kaitlyn and I. He had just as much Olympic talk as we did.” When her voice trembled, I knew where she was going with this. My blood ran cold and I wanted to lift her from the floor and tell her she never needed to think about this again but I could see by the empty look in her eyes that she wasn’t just thinking about it, she was reliving it.
I nearly jumped when Paige shifted beside me, my eyes moving to her. I’d completely forgotten she was here, she’d been so still. She stared at Lili and wiped her face along her sleeve. It was only then that I saw the tears on her cheeks.
I took a breath, surprised at the ragged sound it made in the quiet moment. Paige’s eyes found mine and the pain in hers was more than I could take. I shook my head, unsure why or how my body was making the movement without a command from my completely worthless brain.
“He was spotting me, staying close, and trying to help me through the steps of the new release. Coach didn’t expect me to have it ready for the next competition but I was always pushing myself. I always wanted
to be better and because of that, I got frustrated when I struggled.” She took another breath and I could see her entire frame trembling as she continued to stare unseeingly across the room. “I yelled at him because when he reached for me, I’d get nervous that I wasn’t going to make it and I’d tense rather than finishing my twist. The next time I tried it, he stayed back and I hit the mats. Hard.”
I saw her eyes starting to glaze and I wondered for a moment if she was going to cry. I didn’t want her to go any further. She didn’t need to. We understood. I wanted to tell her to stop but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to make my mouth work.
“I coughed as the wind was knocked out of me and screamed in frustration. I knew it was late and I would have to call it quits soon. The next thing I knew, Hunter was standing over me.”
I heard Kas sniffling, though she tried hard to hold it in. I glanced over and Tish, who I’d never seen cry in my life, had the back of his hand pressed to his mouth, his fingers clenched in a fist as he fought his own emotions.
I felt… numb.
Until I didn’t anymore.
Blood suddenly pounded through my skull, causing my ears to ring as my fingers clenched. The floodgates had been opened and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t manage to close them again. I squeezed my hands together in my lap, my eyes focused solely on them as I tried to count slowly, something, anything to keep myself calm.
“I trusted him,” Lili’s voice was barely above a whisper and my hands trembled in my lap. I looked up, watching her intently, waiting for the first sign she was going to break down. “By the time I realized what he was doing, he had me pinned. I couldn’t move. He was too strong—” her voice choked off on the word. I wanted to move, to lift her and take her away but she continued before I could force my body to cooperate. “I begged him not to. I pleaded and cried and asked him to stop. But he didn’t. When he was finished, he just left. He just left me laying there staring at those fucking ugly florescent lights on the ceiling.”
My entire body felt wound to the point of pain. My jaw ached and I blinked, trying to focus my eyes on one thing, anything but Lili. Looking at her made it impossible to think. I had to count. Keep counting.
“I called for a ride, but my parents couldn’t be bothered. They sent the housekeeper after me. When I got home, I told my parents what happened. They surprised me by acting almost concerned and immediately calling the coach. He came to our house. It was late and they went into my father’s study. Kaitlyn tried to talk to me about it but I didn’t… I couldn’t. I waited, expecting to hear yelling or cursing coming from the office but what seemed like only a few minutes later, they all three came back out into the hall. Once they walked Coach to the door, they came into my room. They brought Kaitlyn in, too. They told us that after talking to Coach, they decided that they would let him handle his, Hunter’s, punishment.” She stumbled over his name and I noticed she was rocking a little as she spoke, seeming to come back from wherever she’d disappeared to. I had to look away then, dropping my eyes to my fingers as they restlessly tapped against my legs. “They said ‘your gym is your family and you handle family problems as a family.’ I knew that actually meant ‘you keep your mouth shut and hope he doesn’t do it again.’”
My chest seemed to burn as the tears of those around me and Lili’s hollow voice continued. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t seem to find and catch ahold of a single thought outside of the numbers that were keeping me from losing it.
“My parents forced me to go to practice the next day. I was terrified to see him. They told me I didn’t have to stay late but I did have to go because it would look bad if I didn’t. When Kaitlyn and I walked in, Hunter was walking out of Coach’s office. He paused beside the mats, in almost the exact spot where he’d… and he looked over his shoulder at me and winked. I turned and ran out the doors. I don’t remember going home but I didn’t go to the gym after that. I didn’t even get out of bed. I didn’t want to. Kaitlyn came in to talk to me but I didn’t say anything to her. She tried to support me as best she could but… we were fourteen.” Her voice caught on the word. I heard Paige’s sob and Kas’ gasp at the same time but neither drew my attention. My focus was solely on Lili and the single number she’d spoken. I was somewhere in the hundreds with my counting but it was lost by the fourteen.
Fourteen. Fourteen?
“We were fourteen and we didn’t know what the right thing to do was. I didn’t eat dinner. I didn’t come out of my room at all the next day. Or the next. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I stopped talking to Kaitlyn when she came in and… by the end of the week, I stopped wanting to live.”
I thought about the emptiness in Lili’s face, in her words, and my body ached to hold her. I couldn’t fathom it. Not in any life could I imagine not hunting down anyone who hurt my son.
“My parents offered to get me help, brought in a therapist. I wouldn’t talk. I didn’t want to. It didn’t matter by that point. I just wanted to sleep and forget the pain for those small bits of time. Sometimes I had nightmares but usually the worst of my ghosts were around when I was awake. Dreams were easier to deal with than memories.”
I remembered something Lili said to me not too long ago when we were talking about Conner. She said she knew what it was like to have shitty parents and I could see exactly what she meant. What kind of parent would allow their child to fade away in front of them? And all for what? To avoid bad press? Did the coach pay them? It didn’t matter. Nothing could make this right.
“About ten days after the…” she trailed off, seeming to choke on the word. “After that night, I was sitting on the edge of my bathtub with a razor, seriously considering it. After a while, I decided that I could end my suffering right then and there and let them all get away with it, or I could get my revenge. I chose revenge.” Her eyes were less hollow now and something in the way she shifted told me she was uncomfortable with what she was saying.
“I’m not proud of what I did but it happened. I made a plan. Getting even with him wasn’t really an option because I was terrified to go anywhere near him. But I could get even with my coach. And my family. So I snuck into the gym, stole the coach’s phone, and took naked pictures of myself. I had a few fading bruises still but that wasn’t why I did it. I packed a bag and planted the phone back in Coach’s desk before calling the police to report it. I took what money I could find at the house and I never looked back.”
She wasn’t looking at me but the way her head tilted in my direction told me she was trying to see me. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, working the hoop nervously. Now she was concerned and I knew she was waiting for us to judge her. My brain was starting to function but speech still eluded me. She rose, quickly standing and wiping her hands on her pants. She started talking before I could find words.
“That was about five years ago.” I could see the mix of pain and fear in her face. Then, the number hit me. Five. Five years?
“You’re only nineteen?” My voice came out sounding incredulous and almost horrified before I could even process what I was saying. She was only nineteen. Which means, when she moved in, when I moved home, she was only seventeen.
Lili’s eyes finally met mine and though the rest of her demeanor showed no signs of pain at my words, her eyes told me the truth. She was crushed. She’d hoped for a different response and while I tried to work one out in my mind, I could only come back to the same three words. She’s only nineteen.
Conner’s voice calling for me broke the rapidly building tension in the room. He was crying and probably in pain. I stood, not looking at Lili or anyone else as I headed straight back to my room. My mind and stomach were in knots, trying to make sense of the moment.
“Hey, bud. I’m right here,” I said as I closed the door behind me. My voice still sounded strained and I tried to push everything outside of this room aside to comfort my son.
“Give him time,” Tish’s voice broke through my thoughts. I blinked and slowl
y turned away from the hallway where Zane had just disappeared.
“He probably doesn’t even know how he’s feeling right now,” Paige said and the compassion in her tone left me speechless. I glanced at her and her eyes matched the tone of her voice. It wasn’t pity. Not at all. It was almost… empathy? Understanding? She shifted a little under my stare before standing. “I’m going to bed.” She started to walk away but she paused, glancing over her shoulder to meet my eyes. “You’re gonna be okay,” she stated. There was a certainty in the words that was undeniable. She wasn’t asking and she didn’t wait for a response before continuing down the hall.
I tried to take a breath but it caught in my chest, seeming to snag on the sharp slivers of my heart as I tried not to break down.
“Hey,” Tish said. I looked up, not really knowing how I had ended up kneeling on the floor. I saw Kas disappearing around the corner toward Tish’s bedroom, the sound of her sniffles echoing in my head. It registered somewhere in the back of my mind that Tish should go comfort her. But I didn’t say that. I didn’t say anything.
I was afraid before I told them but I never thought Zane would just walk away. Every time I needed the strength to keep going, to keep talking, I remembered what he said to me in the hospital. “It won’t matter to me. I love you, Lili. Nothing will change that.”
Apparently, love has a breaking point.
At the feel of a large hand on my shoulder, I jumped, letting out a small squeak of surprise. I blinked, clearing the tears from my eyes to see a shocked Tish standing a few steps away, both hands raised.
“Sorry. I’m sorry,” he said, looking heartbreakingly guilty. I let out a long breath and shook my head, trying to convey that he didn’t do anything wrong without words. My mouth still felt too dry to speak. I started to push up off the floor and Tish, taking care to move slowly, offered his hand to me. I accepted his help, still feeling unsteady as I rose. I tried to arrange my face into some sort of grateful expression but it was a pathetic attempt.
