Unforgivably Broken (The Broken Series Book Two)

by Maegan Abel

  He sighed and the sound was both pained and resigned. When he didn’t speak, I broke down the question, asking something that I hoped might ease him into telling me. “When did you get it?”

  “It was my first. Tish did it the day I turned eighteen,” he answered and his voice was as tight as I feared. I was pushing. But, still, I continued.

  “Is it from a song?” I asked, the quote still not registering in my mind. He shook his head without answering. I gave him time but it when it was clear he wasn’t going to tell me, I leaned down and kissed the letters before sliding off his back. “You don’t have to tell me. I shouldn’t be nosey. I’m sorry.”

  He sighed and rolled to face me, pulling me into the circle of his arms and pressing his lips into my hair. “It’s from a movie. The Crow. It used to be one of my favorite movies. I guess it still is but I haven’t watched it in years.”

  After a long silence, I pressed my lips into the indention near his collarbone. He was still holding onto me like he was afraid I would run. “What’s it about?” I asked. I’d heard of the movie but I’d never seen it and couldn’t recall anything solid about it.

  “It’s about a guy who basically comes back from the dead to avenge his fiancée’s murder.”

  I stilled in his grip, trying to understand the meaning behind it. There was a reason he loved this movie, obviously, but there was also a reason he had chosen that quote. He continued before I could ask any other questions.

  “The main character, Eric, was a singer. ‘It can’t rain all the time’ is a line from one of his songs. I wasn’t in a great place when I was eighteen and Tish talked me into getting it. He said I was walking around like I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. I needed to remember that ‘it can’t rain all the time’.”

  His explanation made perfect sense and sounded completely logical. I knew from what Tish had told me when we met that Zane had moved in with him when their parents died. Zane was seventeen at the time. I can see why his life might’ve been kind of dark.

  “And has it? Continued to rain all the time?” I asked.

  Pulling back, he looked over my face closely. I watched him as he seemed to be trying to memorize everything about me. He reached up, brushing back a piece of hair that had fallen from my ponytail when we wrestled. “Some days are worse than others. But no, it’s not always raining,” he said, leaning in to press his lips to mine.

  I had been dreading today from the moment Zane first mentioned that he’d bought a gun. I didn’t know then that he’d actually bought two. One for me as well. I would be leaving for Texas tomorrow and while I was gone, I was supposed to keep working with Tish because Zane wanted us both to take the concealed carry class when I came back. I understood his reasoning, but it didn’t take away my fear of the weapon. Even safely stowed in a bag in the backseat of the car, the gun made me nervous. He’d made me hold one the day he brought them home, showing me it wasn’t loaded. I’d only held it for a second before pushing it back toward him. It had only taken the feel of the metal for all the memories to rush back in.

  Today, Tish was taking me to the range for the first time. I’d be learning how to properly load and unload the weapon that would one day be mine. If Tish had his way, I would be firing it for the first time as well. I didn’t know if I could handle that, especially knowing what I would be facing over the next few weeks. Zane hadn’t mentioned the trial or our separation in days and I knew he was trying to keep things light but the darkness of what was coming hung over us all.

  “You’re awfully quiet, Lee,” Tish observed. I didn’t look toward him, keeping my eyes on the blank desert outside my window instead.

  “I don’t know if I can do this.”

  “I won’t force you. We’ll take it one step at a time,” he promised as he turned into the lot outside the square, industrial-looking building.

  He turned off the engine and we sat in the car, my hands already trembling in my lap while I stared at the offending building as if someone or something was going to jump out of it. It was ridiculous. I was ridiculous. Nothing about the building itself was scary.

  I turned my head to Tish when he cleared his throat. “You have to remember something.” He waited until I lifted my eyes to his before he continued. “The gun itself can’t hurt you. It’s when someone picks it up and puts intention behind it that it becomes a weapon.”

  I replayed his words in my mind, nodding as his meaning started seeping in.

  “It’s good to have a healthy fear of guns. It means you’ll be safer when handling them. But you also need to understand them.”

  When he got out of the car and grabbed the bag from the backseat, I finally forced myself to stand. My legs felt unsteady as we walked toward the door and the second we made it into the building, I could hear the muffled sound of gunfire. I turned toward the sound and the bullet-proof glass of the range was on my right. I saw two other people but I didn’t take time to evaluate further. Flicking my eyes away nervously, I followed Tish to the counter.

  The guy working behind the desk handed me a form to fill out and I turned over my drivers license to him. My hand trembled visibly, almost hindering my ability to sign the paper after answering the questions. He slid a laminated sheet of paper to me that had the rules listed on it while he and Tish talked about ammo. My eyes blurred and I felt somewhat outside of myself, trying to focus on the words on the paper. When I finished, he asked if I had any other questions and I shook my head.

  Tish paused before a door, pulling two pair of what looked like large, old-fashioned headphones out of the bag. “We need to put these on before we go in there.” I nodded, still feeling mechanical as I took a pair from him and pulled them over my ears. The hollow effect of sounds seemed in tune with the entire experience.

  Once he grabbed our targets, Tish pulled out a white card with a large number five written on it and tapped it against a sensor near the door. I followed him through two doors, my chest becoming tighter the closer we got. When he stopped at the stall with a number five, I stayed back, leaning against the wall. Tish kept his back to me, pulling several things from the bag and lining them up on the counter.

  I jumped at the sound of a gunshot from down the line, surprised at how loud it sounded even with the ear protection. Without realizing I had moved, I found myself beside Tish, putting his body between me and the other people in the room. He looked over and handed me clear glasses, which I immediately put on.

  “I’m going to show you both guns,” he said, leaning close to me as he spoke. He held up the long piece I knew was the clip. “The magazine holds your ammo. We’re going to load two bullets at a time until you get used to it. Okay?”

  I nodded and he worked, showing me how to properly load the bullets into the clip, all the while keeping them aimed toward the far back wall. Once we were done, he moved on to putting the clips into the gun and removing them. The trembling in my hands seemed to start decreasing the more times I held the weapon.

  Movement behind me caught my attention as Tish was explaining how the safety worked on his gun. I inched closer as three guys, laughing loudly, passed and headed down the lane toward one of the other stalls. As the tallest one lifted his hand, I could’ve sworn I saw a familiar black and gold ring shining on his finger. “Hey.” I jerked in response to another gunshot and closed my eyes.

  Breathe. Just breathe.

  “Sorry,” I said, opening my eyes to a wary Tish. “I’m good.” I did my best to block out everything else in the room as I listened to his instruction. Once we had gone over the differences between his gun and mine, he took the clips out of both, pulling back the slide to show they were each unloaded before setting them on the counter.

  He then walked me through holding each one, the way I should stand, and how my hands should grip. It was a little nerve-wracking actually holding the gun like I was aiming it but I just reminded myself, over and over, that it wasn’t loaded. He showed me how to butt the gun against the sof
t skin between my thumb and forefinger for stability and where to wrap my left hand.

  When we finished with that, he hung the target from the clips and sent it out about a quarter of the way up the long lane in front of us. He looked over at me to make sure I was watching. He loaded two bullets into the magazine for his gun and popped it into place. I watched his movements carefully and when he aimed, I thought I was prepared. The sound wasn’t that much louder than it had been from the other stations down the line but my knees nearly buckled. I leaned against the cushioned wall beside me, trying to be discreet as the panic clawed like a rabid creature inside me. When he fired the second shot, I jumped, even though I was prepared. He sat the gun on the table and looked back at me as he moved to the side.

  Swallowing down the fear, I stepped up, feeling him watch me as my jittery fingers fumbled with the ammo for my gun. He put his hands over mine, forcing me to set both the magazine and the bullet on the table.

  “Deep breath. Stop letting the fear dominate you. This is about control. It’s about protecting yourself. Protecting Zane. Protecting Conner.” I felt an ache in my chest at the mention of Zane and Conner. Protecting myself, yes. Protecting them, definitely. The memory of holding Zane while we waited for the ambulance to arrive clouded my mind, reminding me of the very real danger and my own helplessness. Helplessness. It was a feeling I loathed.

  I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat, forcing the panic down. “I can do this,” I said, my voice determined. Tish nodded, squeezing the hand he held briefly before releasing it, allowing me to resume loading the gun.

  I pushed the magazine in place before wrapping my hand around the slide to chamber the first round. Tish was right to show me how to do this several times first. It felt almost natural now. Tish stepped behind me, reminding me to keep my wrists locked and my grip tight as I aimed for the target. I took a deep breath and held it for a moment as the target wavered in my sight.

  Breathe, Lili.

  Another breath in and I slipped my index finger into place, surprised at how easily I tuned out the rest of the room. Squeezing carefully, I flinched as the gun went off in my hands. Tish chuckled behind me and I glanced over my shoulder, keeping my gun pointed at the target.

  “You hit the paper. That’s good for your first time.” He pointed and I squinted to see the hole in the white of the paper, higher and to the right of where I aimed. I frowned. “You jerked. It’s a natural reaction to the kick. It’ll get easier as you get used to the gun.”

  I nodded, focusing on the target. I aimed dead center of the chest again, taking a deep breath to steady myself before I fired my second shot. The kickback still made me close my eyes but when I opened them, I saw the tear through the black of the target, near the shoulder. Closer.

  We took turns, Tish loading his gun and taking two shots, and me doing the same. Eventually, Tish talked me into trying his. The recoil had me flinching again and my aim was way off. The forty caliber was definitely more powerful than I was becoming used to with my smaller gun. I understood now why Zane had chosen a nine millimeter for me.

  We’d torn through two boxes of ammo and two targets before we decided to call it a day. My aim wasn’t perfect — hell, it wasn’t even good — but it was decent. I was consistently able to hit the body at two different distances. But the main point of the day was that I was smiling. It was terrifying how just a few short hours could make me comfortable with a weapon that nearly took Zane from me right in front of my eyes. In the back of my mind, I could still see just what it was capable of, but it wasn’t the gun that did that, it was Jordan.

  I stared down at the small duffel bag stuffed full of bathroom necessitates, trying to keep my focus on making sure I had all of my essentials, but my thoughts were scattered. In less than two days’ time, I would be in Texas again, back in Austin, a city I never wanted to set foot in again. I had a few things to handle before the trial started, mainly getting copies of my legal documents so I could get a valid ID. It was a hassle having to drive the more than twelve-hundred miles between Las Vegas and Austin but with airport security as tight as it was, there was no way I could get on a plane without a real ID.

  Tish and Kas would be here shortly with the rental car and they expected me to be ready to go. Kas was going to drive Tish’s car back to his house, that was the reason she gave for coming over today, but I knew she wanted to be with him as long as possible.

  After another attempt of going through my mental checklist became disrupted by my lingering fears, I growled and flung the bag off the counter. It made a loud and satisfying crash against the tile floor and in my rage, I shoved my arms out, knocking as much as I could off the counter before arms wrapped around me from behind. I screamed and thrashed against the hold, panic weaving with the anger.

  “Shhhhh. Calm down, Pixie. It’s okay, just breathe.”

  It took several seconds for Zane’s words to register and the familiarity of the arms came to me as my mind cleared. I let out a sob and sagged against him. It was too much. All of it. Jordan, Hunter, my family, the gun range, the news reports on the trial... I couldn’t handle it all.

  “I can’t… I can’t…” I gasped, feeling the tightening in my chest as my rattled emotions settled back on panic.

  Zane spun me in his grip, lifted me easily, and placed me on the counter of the bathroom. Both of his hands cupped my face. “Stop. Just breathe. Deep breath, baby. Come on.”

  His hands were rough, shaking me to keep my attention as I did what he asked. I took a deep breath. And then another. Finally, my lungs didn’t feel like they were fighting against me any longer and my heart started to return to a normal rhythm.

  “You can’t do that, Lili! Fuck. You can’t…” Zane ran his hands through his hair, clearly frustrated before he stormed out of the bathroom.

  I dropped my head back against the mirror behind me, letting go of the tears I’d held in for last few days as my eyes drifted closed. My emotions were flying all over the spectrum and I didn’t know how to deal with it anymore. If it got worse when I was there, how would I cope?

  When Zane stomped back into the bathroom, I peeked over at him. He snatched my duffle off the floor and slammed it onto the counter beside me. He held up Conner’s inhaler toward me without meeting my eyes before tossing it in the bag. He scrounged through the contents, grabbing my brush and a few other stray items that had either fallen from the bag when I’d thrown it or had been flung on the floor in my tantrum. He yanked the zipper closed and took the duffle with him as he left the bathroom. I sat glued to the counter, trying to figure out how to get a handle on myself.

  After about fifteen minutes, I lowered myself off the counter and proceeded to slowly and meticulously pick up all the items I’d scattered, putting them away mechanically as I pulled the numbness I knew I had from the deepest part of me. With Zane and I trying hard to be honest with one another, it had been a while since I’d hidden my emotions, but I needed to do this today. I couldn’t leave here, leave him, and let him worry that I might have a complete meltdown when he wasn’t there. I had to get it together. I could do this. I splashed water on my face, ignoring the blankness in my eyes. Nothing good could come from analyzing it right now. I’d found my mask and I needed it to stay in place until I was out the door with Tish, at the very least.

  I heard the voices as soon as I pushed open the bathroom door and I paused, not making my presence known.

  “You can’t do that, Zane. If you cancel the first mediation, you’ll be giving Lizzie more fuel and you know it. The lawyer already told you that. Plus, isn’t Lizzie’s ultrasound tomorrow?”

  I frowned at Tish’s comment. Lizzie’s ultrasound? Zane hadn’t mentioned anything about the baby to me since just after we moved in. He’d told me that the new paternity testing he was looking into was more expensive than he’d thought and he was still debating which way to go. Did he do a paternity test at some point and not tell me? I could see him doing something like that, keepi
ng something like that from me right now because I was too fragile to handle it. The anger and resentment that I’d felt the night Lizzie had shown up at the house started to return but I pushed them back, clinging to my numbness with everything I had.

  “Fuck. I can’t just send her away like this. She needs me.” Zane’s voice, and his words, caused a mixture of emotions. He worried about me but he was still seeing me as weak. I couldn’t really blame him for that, I supposed. But that didn’t make me feel any better about it.

  “You have to stay here and take care of your responsibilities. You just have to trust that Lili is strong enough and even if she isn’t, you have to know I’ll be there. She’s going to be okay. Just the fact that she’s going there to do this, knowing she’s going to have to face the guy who did this to her, proves she’s stronger than you’re giving her credit for.”

  I cleared my throat, ignoring the partially opened bedroom door as I moved to the bed under the pretense of checking my duffle bag. I grabbed Zane’s pillow from the bed instead of my own, feeling selfish but wanting his scent with me while I was so far away. It tore at me that I was this attached. I wasn’t used to this. I wanted to protect myself, protect my heart, and talk of Lizzie and the baby and random ultrasounds I didn’t know about added to my unease. But, honestly, it was far too late for my heart. That already belonged to Zane and I just had to hope he would take care of it.

  “You about ready?” Tish asked, grabbing my bag off the bed. I nodded and he glanced at Zane before heading to the door. “I’ll meet you at the car.” He stepped out and I could hear Conner and Kas talking in the living room. I knew he was giving Zane and me privacy.

  I didn’t meet his eyes, clutching the pillow to my chest and running my fingers idly over the seam in the case as I studied the dark fabric. He sighed and closed the distance between us, wrapping his arms around me as he pressed his lips into my hair.