by Maegan Abel
I tried not to but I couldn’t help the barrage of thoughts consuming me. What if he never found a way to blame Lizzie? Would that part of him that he denies exists, that part that still loves her, end up causing him to do something that would destroy what we have? With all that I know, would I be able to blame him if it did?
The sweat on my skin from the beating sun was a stark contrast to the icy dread coursing through my body. I wiped my palms on my shorts before pushing myself to my feet. I couldn’t sit here anymore.
“I’ll give you some time with Olivia. I’ll be in the car,” I said, knowing my words sounded rushed. I could feel Zane’s questioning eyes on me as I walked back toward where he parked but I couldn’t turn around. I couldn’t handle any more information right now. I needed to get my head together.
Conner had a healing effect on Zane even I hadn’t expected. While they laughed in the living room of Tish’s house, I made my way to the kitchen.
“Welcome back,” Kas said as I slipped into one of the chairs at the table. The sound of Conner’s squealing laughter resonated down the hall and I couldn’t help but smile. Maybe he had a healing effect on me, too. “You hungry?”
“No, I’m good. Thanks though,” I answered absently as Tish wandered into the kitchen. He dropped into the chair beside me and I waited for the inevitable questions about the verdict of the trial.
“What time did you guys get in?” Tish asked, leaning back in his chair.
“Too fucking early. Before the damn sun.” I gave a half-hearted laugh.
“Speaking of sun, you look a little burnt. Want some water?” Kas asked, grabbing a bottle from the fridge when I nodded. I brushed my hair back from face, feeling flushed now that Kas brought it to my attention.
“We… uh… stopped at the cemetery,” I whispered, watching as first confusion and then surprise registered on Tish’s face.
“Really?”
I nodded again, taking a long drink from the bottle. I hadn’t realized just how thirsty I was.
“He always goes to see Liv alone,” Tish said, though I’d already guessed as much from the story and the way he acted today.
“He told me. About what happened.”
Tish looked completely shocked now, taking a few moments before he finally spoke. “I’ve never heard him talk about it. To anyone. The police interviewed him and he told them but we only got bits of the story. And those came from the police. Zane would completely shut down if anyone tried to talk to him about it.” I could see the guilt in Tish’s eyes, though he didn’t look directly at me. I realized that both men, and probably Paige as well, carried their own guilt over what they feel they could’ve done differently.
“He told me he killed Olivia, even though your father pulled the trigger,” I said softly, noticing the burst of pain in Tish’s features. “Do you think he’ll ever stop blaming himself?”
Tish blew out a heavy breath, running a hand over the side of his buzzed head. “Honestly? No. Probably not. I forced him to see at least four different therapists after it happened. He’d get to the same point with each of them and shut down. Once they knew the story, once he told them how he felt about it and they denied he had fault, he no longer cared about what they said. He told me they were idiots.”
I spun the cap from my water bottle on the table as I lost myself in my thoughts. This guilt had been eating at him for eight years. Eight years of convincing yourself you don’t deserve anything good in life is a long time. That’s a lot of negative to overcome. The happy sounds coming from the living room contradicted my mood.
“He doesn’t think he deserves to be loved.” I hadn’t meant to say the words aloud but now that they were out, I couldn’t take them back. I looked up at Tish, feeling tears burning behind my eyes. “What am I supposed to do with that?” I lifted my hands, not giving either of them a chance to answer. “Nevermind. It doesn’t matter. He is loved and if I have to spend the rest of my life proving to him that he deserves happiness, I will.”
A throat clearing behind me made my heart drop. I closed my eyes for a second before glancing over my shoulder to see Zane leaning against the wall near the doorway to the hall. His expression was blank. “You ready?”
Conner had managed to talk Zane into going out to dinner on our way home. While we both chatted with Conner, Zane seemed to be intentionally avoiding speaking directly to me if he could. I tried not to stress about it, even as he got Conner bathed and in bed. I popped in to tell Conner goodnight before Zane started his story and when my hand brushed Zane’s, he all but pulled away from my touch.
I didn’t want to think about where his head was. How much of my conversation with Tish and Kas had he heard? Did it really matter? I told them things he said to me in confidence and that was inexcusable. I distractedly removed items from bathroom bag, putting them away while I considered how to break this silence between us.
Zane came into the master bathroom, pausing a moment when he saw me. I watched his eyes assess me, clearly wondering if it would be too rude to walk back out now. After a moment, he moved to the other side of the double sinks, putting his things away without a word. I shoved my bag toward the back of the counter, turning to lift myself up to sit on it as I watched him. He was going to have to get to the point of the silent treatment eventually. His eyes flicked sideways but when he finished, he turned to leave the bathroom.
“Seriously?” I asked, hearing the irritation in my voice. That was good. Irritation was an easy way to mask the hurt. He paused, keeping his back to me as he sighed. “Will you fucking tell me what I did that was so wrong?”
He dropped his head and from the angle of his jaw, I could see it working under the skin. Finally, he turned his head to look over his shoulder at me. “How much did you tell them?”
“Jesus, Zane, are you for real? I told them that you told me what happened that night. I told them you opened up to me and that you blame yourself, even though you’re not at all at fault for Olivia’s death.” His back stiffened and he spun to face me fully but I continued, not giving him a chance to snap at me. “I told them that you don’t feel like you deserve love and I don’t know how to fucking help you!” I knew yelling wasn’t going to get us anywhere but I couldn’t help it.
“You can’t help me! Don’t you get that? This is my life and my problem! This is who I am and that’ll never change!” With that, he turned, storming toward the door.
“Hey!” I jumped from the counter and started after him, following him into the bedroom. “Zane!”
“What?” he spat, turning to face me. He was halfway across the room, nearly to the closed door.
“I love you,” I said, softening my voice with a lot of effort. Being angry with him over this wouldn’t help. Doing exactly what I said, proving I wasn’t going anywhere, was all I could do.
His face hardened, but his eyes were torn. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what? Don’t love you? Too late.” I started forward, keeping my eyes on his. “I love you, Zane. I love you with all that I am and you can’t walk away from that.”
“Lili,” he pleaded, his voice pained.
“I love you.” Bravely, I reached out, placing my hand over his heart.
“What do you want from me?” His gaze begged me but I pushed anyway.
“Tell me you love me.”
He groaned, closing his eyes as he dropped his forehead to mine. His breathing was ragged when he opened them again, keeping our heads together. “I love you.”
“Now kiss me,” I pressed, watching the indecision scroll across his features. I tried not to let the anxiety I felt show but a rejection from him right now would tear me apart.
After another tense moment, he tipped his face lower and pressed his lips to mine. I grabbed his belt loops when he tried to pull away, keeping our bodies close.
“Now take me.”
His sharp intake of breath told me I’d caught him completely off guard, which was exactly what I’d hoped for. He tried agai
n to put distance between us but I kept my grip, moving with him.
“Stop. You think I don’t see it? The hesitancy when we’re together, the worry in your eyes. I can’t stand it. You treat me differently now and it’s not what I want. I’m sick of careful. I’m not made of glass.” I stood on my toes, grazing my teeth along his jaw. “I won’t break.”
He groaned again, lowering his face to catch my lips. The kiss was softer than I wanted, slow and controlled. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I jumped, knowing he would lift me. The second he had my weight, I locked my ankles behind him, lining our bodies up perfectly. When he pulled his face back, I caught his lower lip, biting down before releasing it.
“I want you.” I rocked my hips, feeling his erection through the barrier of our clothes. “And I know you want me.”
His response was a string of profanities as he spun, slamming my back into the door in the same way he’d done my last night working at the bar. “Don’t. Tempt. Me,” he growled, each word punctuated by the grinding of his hips against mine.
“Just fucking take me.” My voice was breathless, loving his steady control.
“Fuck,” he huffed the word against my neck before he bit down and I cried out in both surprise and pleasure. One of his hands pressed against the small of my back, holding me against him, while the other tugged at my shorts. I gripped his shoulders as I followed his wordless command, lowering my legs so he could remove my clothes. He groaned his approval at finding me bare beneath the shorts.
He kissed me hard and crossed the room in only three strides. He deposited us none too gently onto the bed as his mouth crushed mine, our bodies moving in synchronization as we tugged at the layers between us. Desperate, impatient sounds and ragged breathing filled my mind as we parted our lips just long enough to remove our shirts.
His focus turned to my breasts as I squirmed, struggling beneath him as I tried to remove his jeans. My attention was torn between his teeth on my nipple and the work I was attempting but once his jeans were past his hips, my hand found him. The shudder that ran through his body fueled me further as I wrapped my fingers around his length. His moan caused goose bumps to rise on my flesh.
“Zane.” I heard how breathless my voice sounded but it didn’t embarrass me. “Please.”
“Please what?” he asked, his voice husky and sexy in a way I’d never heard it. When I only moaned in response, he bit harder on the nipple in his mouth. The sharp pain caused me to yelp before he soothed the spot with his tongue.
“I need you.”
He answered with a chuckle, sliding his hand up my thigh slowly. “You have me.”
I huffed, writhing as I struggled to get him to touch me, or to get his jeans further out of the way. Something, anything, to bring us closer. “I need you inside me.”
He leaned back, his eyes searching my face for only a moment. He was off the bed before I could even register the movement. He shoved his jeans further down, taking the black boxer briefs with them as he kicked them off. He reached for me. Gripping my thighs, he pulled toward the foot of the bed. His fingers slid directly to my folds, running over the skin before he slipped two inside me. I gasped at the feeling, moaning as my hips bucked toward his hand. He removed his fingers and leaned down, capturing my mouth again as he tugged my hips to the edge of the bed.
“I love you.” His voice was nearly a growl and before I could respond, he was inside me, filling me completely.
I gasped, my body tensing as I adjusted to his size. Zane’s hands gripped my hips tightly, his fingers trembling as he held himself perfectly still. I could tell by his expression that he was taking a moment to regain his control. Seeing that, knowing how worked up he was, made me feel powerful. His eyes closed as he swallowed but then reopened; blazing into mine with a passion I’d never seen.
As he started to move, picking up a pace that left me breathless, I wrapped my legs around him, lifting my hips to meet him with every thrust. It was wild, needy, and exactly what I’d asked for. I was surprised by the speed at which I felt my orgasm building. I reached for Zane but our bodies were too far apart. My fingers slipped along his damp skin before falling to the bed again. He leaned over me, ensnaring my lips as he lifted my hands above my head. I hadn’t realized how far up the bed we’d crawled until I felt the wood of the headboard on my fingertips.
“Plant your palms and keep your arms locked.” His voice held an edge of authority that I wouldn’t dream of challenging. I did as he said, bracing my hands on the headboard. The smile he gave in response was as predatory as they come and it made every part of me feel even more alive with anticipation. He pressed one last kiss on my jaw. “Good girl.”
With that, he hooked his hands under my thighs and lifted my hips from the bed, rising back to his knees as he resumed his demanding pace. The force of his thrusts combined with the lack of leverage left me completely at his mercy. I could feel the trembling in my arms as I forced back my orgasm, hanging on to the moment for as long as I could.
The devilish smile returned as Zane watched my face. “You’re holding out on me?” It was more of a challenge than an actual question. He raised his left arm, letting my leg fall from his hand to the crook of his elbow and I immediately knew what he was doing. My toes curled in anticipation just before his thumb made contact with my clit. “You come when I say.” At his words, my control snapped completely, shattering into pieces around me as spots of white burst somewhere behind my eyes. I cried out, my muscles coiling as the orgasm pulled from every part of me. Zane growled my name as my body tightened around him, yanking him over the edge with me. He stilled, lowering my hips and leaning forward, dropping his forehead to my collarbone as we both attempted to catch our breath.
It took several minutes for my brain to return from the blissful state that felt like something near a coma. I blinked slowly, meeting Zane’s eyes and giving him a groggy smile. I felt almost drunk from the euphoria. It took a moment longer for the wary look hiding behind Zane’s cocky mask to come into focus. It was another before I could make my brain catch up to my eyes. He was worried about how I would react.
Pulling my arms down, I flinched as the stiffness from the position gave way to the ache of sweetly sore muscles. Zane’s eyes softened and he immediately leaned forward, his hands starting at my shoulders and working their way down my arms, massaging all the way down to my fingers. We were silent as he worked, content in our own little moment and I fought the urge to close my eyes.
“I need a shower,” I whispered lethargically, carefully lifting myself to sitting. His grin returned as he slipped off the bed, offering a hand to help me on my unsteady legs. I paused once I was on my feet, wrapping both arms tightly around his neck. “I love your heart, Zane. You own me completely. I’ll never stop telling you.”
I watched him swallow hard, seeing the struggle to keep his eyes on mine instead of closing them or looking away from my admission. “I’ll never deserve you…” He lifted a hand, using two fingers to cover my lips as I started to protest. “Let me finish. I’ll never deserve you but I look forward to spending the rest of my life trying to be the man you see me as. The one that’s worthy.”
I smiled as our lips found each other’s once again. It wasn’t exactly a breakthrough, but it was a step in the right direction.
Falling into a routine with Zane and Conner was easier than I ever would’ve thought. We would take Conner to school in the morning together and then Zane would drop me at Tish’s house or the shop, depending on my shifts.
Zane hated the new schedule he and Jackson were moved to while he’d been off because it meant he barely got home in time to have a late dinner with Conner and spend a little time with him in the evenings before it was bedtime. I was becoming more and more comfortable with being home alone with Conner after school, although most days Paige would stop by after she finished her classes. I was pretty sure that was Zane’s doing but he was good at distracting me to avoid the question.
The
first court date came and went for Conner’s custody hearing with little handled other than preliminaries. The lawyers on Lizzie’s side thought that if they reopened the juvenile file on Zane, and Lizzie’s word saying that he’d planned the events that happened that day, they would have an airtight case. That wasn’t how it happened. In fact, the judge said that bringing up the juvenile evidence, especially given that Zane had never been officially charged with anything and the shooting had been ruled self-defense, was a desperate move. He was giving Lizzie a chance to clean up her act, though.
For the time being, Conner stayed with us and Lizzie could have only supervised visitation. If, after six months clean, she could prove stability again, most likely the judge would grant joint custody, which wasn’t much more than Zane had before. He was trying to stay positive about the ordeal and so was I.
We’d been home well over a month without a single word from Jordan. Life was peaceful, everything finally feeling like it was where it belonged, but I knew better than to think he was gone for good. Zane and I were both still vigilant about safety, having continued to learn and become more comfortable around the weapons he’d purchased for us. It did finally help me relax about being home alone to know that I could now defend Conner and myself if I needed to. I didn’t carry the gun with me but I had it when I was alone.
Now, I was sitting behind the counter at Living Ink, feet propped on the tabletop in the relaxed way that drove Tish absolutely nuts when he was here but it was quiet. Kas was supposed to be in thirty minutes ago but she’d texted to tell me her doctor appointment had run late. That had left me to open by myself, which was a first. It felt good that Tish and Tony trusted me, though. I’d helped them out, running the front counter under their first manager, Karla. She’d been such a bitch and she’d run their first four counter girls off. Not me. I’d been the one to run her off.
Tony had showed up about forty minutes after me and was now holed up in his office, doing paperwork or whatever he normally did when he was hiding out.
