by Maegan Abel
I looked back at Lili, finally sleeping soundly beside me, and felt the smile curving my lips. I knew she’d hate the fact that someone recognized her and I hoped, for her sake, it didn’t happen again. But she’d done it. She’d faced her past and was moving forward. Now I just wondered if I could do the same.
And the worry that always lingered in my mind, clinging to my happiness, was brought back to the front in sharp focus. Could I convince her to stay once she knew the truth?
I let Lili sleep until the plane began its descent into Vegas. With the time difference, the three hour flight had us landing just before five in the morning. The sun was barely coloring the horizon and the lights of the Strip shone brilliantly from the vantage point of the plane.
Even though she was tired, Lili seemed perfectly at ease during the landing. I’d never thought before now about whether or not she’d done much traveling by plane. I hadn’t. The flight to Texas had actually been my first time.
One thing I was grateful about living in Vegas was the public transportation. We were able to get a cab from the airport easily and that saved me from having to drive in my current state of exhaustion. I’d wanted to go straight to Tish’s and get Conner so we could start the process of getting our lives back to normal but between the ridiculously early hour and the fact that I knew I’d be passing out for half the day once we got home, it was obviously off the table.
Plus, before our lives could really move forward, there was one last thing to take care of. I had to tell Lili the truth. I had to see if there was any way someone unrelated by blood could know what I’d done and still choose to be in my life. The only two people other than my family that knew, ended up betraying me like the joke I was to them. With the weight of Lili’s small frame against my side and my own exhaustion trying to overtake me, I worried that there would be no way she’d be this comfortable sitting with me tomorrow.
“I thought we were going to pick up Conner?” Lili asked as I headed North on the Interstate instead of continuing East toward Tish’s house.
My fingers tightened on the steering wheel as I attempted to keep my voice even. “We will but I have a stop to make first.” I could feel Lili’s curious gaze but I kept my eyes on the road, unsure of what else to do. I felt equal parts nerves and dread as I told myself, yet again, that she deserved the whole truth.
Apparently noticing my discomfort, she didn’t push. Instead, she remained silent, stretching out her hand and resting it on my thigh as the radio kept the car from being completely silent.
It was only a few minutes later, as I was lost in my own thoughts, that the soft sound of Lili singing about monsters drew me back to the present. If the sound of her actually singing hadn’t caught my attention, the lyrics would have. She must’ve heard this song before but I hadn’t, which was surprising. I could immediately recognize the band but it felt as if they were singing about my life.
I was turning into the gates of the cemetery as the song ended and again, I knew I had Lili’s full attention. I followed the narrow, winding path around one curve and then a second before pulling over to the side, parking with the driver’s side in the grass, a spot that was all too familiar.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to gather the courage to look over at Lili beside me but I realized I wasn’t ready to see her yet. I needed to tell her and I needed to do it today but I was terrified that if I saw her expression, I would back out.
“I’m going to tell you. Everything,” I said, tightening my fingers around the steering wheel in time with the vise crushing me from the inside. “But you have to be patient. It’s not easy for me to talk about this.”
She reached for me but I swung out of the car, needing distance. I continued fighting to keep my breathing even as I listened to her soft footsteps approaching from the other side of the car. She seemed to understand my request for patience as she paused, leaving space between our bodies.
I started down the familiar row of grave markers, my eyes trained on the spot where I knew the small rectangle I was looking for would come into view. The dip of the missing grass where the tiny slab laid made it hard to swallow. I knew my steps were slowing but I continued moving forward, the added anxiety of Lili’s presence making me feel almost light-headed. Oxygen deprivation. I had to remind myself to breath.
When I approached the marker, I immediately dropped to my knees beside it. I could still feel Lili and I knew she was standing behind me, giving me space.
“Hey, Livvi,” I choked out, reaching over to run my fingers over the letters of her name. OLIVIA CANDICE TISHLER. The stone was clear of any normal dirt and debris and semi-wilted flowers laid in Tish’s corner. He must’ve come by to see her when he got back to town. We never talked about her or came to see her together; it was always something I’d done alone. I knew that he and Paige occasionally came together but I was separated from them by the guilt. Though they’d never admit it, I knew they wouldn’t want to mourn for Liv in front of me. I’d actually wondered more than once if they wished I wouldn’t come here.
Dropping to sit on the warm grass, I pulled my knees up and rested my forearms on them. I could feel Lili behind me but I didn’t want to look back so I nodded toward the grass on the side of Liv’s headstone. Once she was settled, I glanced up, catching her reading the dates on the stone. Her eyes were sad when they met mine.
“You’ve heard us talk about her occasionally and you never once asked, at least, you never asked me what happened. I wouldn’t have answered with anything but anger if you had.” I blew out a breath, trying to stop the trembling in my hands. “Paige told you a little about my dad. He was a prick. From as far back as I can remember he beat on my mom, sometimes on us. My mom self-medicated with alcohol and drugs, though she was good about trying to keep his attention away from us when she was lucid.
“Tish, as you know, got kicked out when I was ten. I didn’t see him except a handful of times after that. Liv was thirteen. She was already counting the days until she could get out.” I paused, realizing how that sounded. “She was amazing. It wasn’t that she wanted to leave Paige or me behind, she just hated conflict. She was always the peacekeeper between us kids and kept us hiding when dad was on a rampage. We all hated it there but she was different. She was kind and gentle and the one of us I knew would really make an impact in the world.”
My eyes had drifted down to my feet at some point as I spoke and I tugged at the grass, the weight of the guilt that always came when I thought about Liv seemed impossibly stronger as I described her to Lili.
“I was fifteen when Liv started at California College of the Arts. She picked a college that was over eight hours away and I knew we’d never see her. Paige was crushed. I still talked to Liv occasionally but she was busy with college and when she didn’t come home the first summer, I knew she’d made the choice that was best for her. But it wasn’t an option for me. College, leaving Paige alone in the house, it wasn’t going to happen. I had to wait it out until we could both leave. I didn’t have a choice.” My voice was harder as I spoke but even I could hear the way it trembled. The thought of what my father put Paige through, how much worse it could’ve been, still triggered my temper more than anything else.
I stayed quiet for several minutes, attempting to reign my thoughts in as I stared at the letters of Olivia’s name. I remembered the way she used to sing to Paige when my parents were fighting, trying to distract her from the worst of the shouting with funny songs. I lifted my eyes to Lili’s, finding her carefully neutral expression looking back at me. She was processing the story and obviously full of emotion but she was keeping herself in check, giving me exactly what I’d asked for so I could continue.
“It’s no wonder Paige loves you so much,” Lili said softly, her eyes shining as she gave me a small smile. I let out a tight laugh, shaking my head. “It’s true. She told me you’re her hero.”
Her words struck me with a force stronger and more painful than anything I could remember. I hissed
in a breath through my teeth in a vain attempt to contain the sob that wanted to break free from my chest. I rarely cried but it almost always came down to Olivia when I did. I dropped my head, pressing the heels of my hands into my forehead as the first of the tears fell.
“I’m nobody’s hero.” The words were barely more than a choked whisper.
“Zane,” Lili said and I heard the rustle of grass as she moved. I held up a hand, needing to regain some of my control so I could continue. When I looked up again, she was on her knees, closer than before but there was still distance between us.
“It’s my fault she’s dead,” I said, needing to get to the point of the story. “I killed her.” I couldn’t look at Lili but I heard her sharp intake of breath. This was where I would lose her. Pressing my fingers into my eyes, I continued.
“When I was seventeen, I found out my mom was having an affair. I didn’t particularly care — hell, I didn’t really even blame her — but I was young and stupid and thought I saw a way out. I thought if my dad found out, he’d leave. Problem solved.” Looking back now, I could see the naiveté. I should’ve known it wouldn’t go that smoothly. “I took two days to set it all up, making sure Paige would be out of the house for the night and everything. The day I put the plan in motion, I borrowed my mom’s car for school with the excuse of taking Lizzie out on a date after. It was a Friday. I told Lizzie what was going on, even though I hadn’t told anyone else.” I sighed, knowing now that I should’ve kept it to myself entirely.
“After I dropped her off, I went home. I was dreading it, hoping my dad would already be gone so I wouldn’t have to deal with the bullshit. When I turned onto our street, I saw my dad’s car parked haphazardly behind a car I didn’t recognize. I stopped in front of the house and was considering calling Adam to ask if I could crash at his house when…” I swallowed, the cemetery blurring as my memories of that night flashed in my mind, still just as vivid as when it all happened.
“We didn’t live in the best area. I was familiar with the sound of gunshots. When one came from close by, I started to duck but the flash had come from inside the living room window of my house. When I threw open the car door, I could hear screaming. I recognized Liv’s voice and I ran toward the house. When I got inside, the scene was… my mom was crumpled on the living room floor and my dad had the gun trained on Liv where she knelt beside her. I didn’t think — I couldn’t — I just lunged. I slammed into him just as the gun went off a second time.” I coughed, nearly choking on a sob as I remembered the smell of the blood. I could practically feel the same desperation I’d felt that night. “We fought. I tried to get the gun away from him and whether it was the amount of alcohol he’d consumed or the adrenaline running through me, I don’t know. But I finally did. I staggered backwards and landed hard on my ass. I didn’t look anywhere but at my father as I quickly dragged myself back up. I’d taken several hits and I was dizzy. I held the gun up, hoping he would leave since I had the weapon, but he didn’t. He tackled me and when he did, I fired. It wasn’t intentional but the bullet killed him instantly.”
I closed my eyes, aware the tears were starting again but unable to stop them. “I was yelling, panicking as I tried to get the weight of him off of me. It wasn’t until I’d scooted away that I realized the only other sound I could hear was groaning.” My entire body was shaking and I couldn’t stop it. I also couldn’t watch Lili as she realized the monster that I was. “When I hit my father as he aimed at Liv, I’d been about a half second too late. The bullet still hit her. Only instead of being a solid hit, it grazed through her skull and lodged in her neck. She…” I sobbed, wiping my hands on my jeans like I could remove the bloodstains from that night. “She was still awake when the paramedics came. They worked and worked on her, trying to save her. They even let me stay with her until she was stable enough and they were going to move her to the ambulance. And even then, the paramedics promised they were doing everything they could for her. They stayed calm, they helped me stay calm.”
It was quiet as I got lost in memories of that night again, not coming out until Lili spoke. “That’s why you became a paramedic.” It was more of a statement, a realization, than a question. I nodded in response.
“I was arrested but by the time my statement was taken and I was bailed out by my grandparents, Liv was in a coma. Three days later, on her twenty-first birthday, they took her off life support. October second.” I had no doubt Lizzie had chosen that date intentionally to unnerve me. She was going to bring up what happened with Olivia, what better way to rub it in my face than on her birthday and the anniversary of her death?
I heard sniffling and dragged my eyes up, forcing myself to face just another consequence of that night. Losing Lili wouldn’t be any less than I deserved. She was directly in front of me now, kneeling. She didn’t give me a chance to back away from her touch as she grabbed both of my hands, holding them with a tighter grip than I would’ve thought her capable of. “You listen to me, you did not kill Olivia. Your father killed her.” She held up a hand when I tried to interject. “No. You had no idea he would react that way. None. You blame yourself for setting it up but he could’ve found out any other number of ways and it would’ve most likely had the exact same result. You can’t continue to let this guilt eat at you. You weren’t at fault.”
She scooted even closer then, wrapping her arms around my neck as I shook my head. I’d listened to therapist after therapist try to tell me the same thing but I’d never been able to get over the fact that if I had never pushed, Olivia might still be alive. She was completely innocent.
“It should’ve been me.”
Lili’s body stiffened and she immediately pulled away. The flash of hot anger in her eyes contradicted her tears. “What the fuck, Zane? If I’m not allowed to say and think things like that, neither are you!” She spat the words at me, her fists clenching and unclenching at her sides. She was right. I’d gotten angry with her for saying something similar just yesterday but I’d never considered the similarity to my own thoughts.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. You’re right.” I was trying to even out my breathing, forcing deep breaths and letting the oxygen fill my lungs. Her face softened and she moved back to her spot beside me, leaning into my side as we both stared out over the sea of headstones, attempting to make sense of the hands we’d been dealt.
“It was Adam’s dad,” Zane said, his voice penetrating the silence that had spread over us. I blinked against the sun as I glanced over at him, confusion clear on my face. “The guy my mom was having the affair with. It was Adam’s dad.”
I didn’t respond, my mind still reeling from the entire afternoon. My heart ached for what Zane and his siblings had been through. The amount of guilt Zane felt, I wondered if people recovered from something like that. He’d told me on the boat that some people didn’t deserve love and I knew he was talking about himself. I leaned into him again, still trying to determine the right thing to say in this situation.
I hadn’t been there. I could tell him every day for the rest of my life that he wasn’t at fault for Olivia but he probably wouldn’t believe me. Unfortunately, there was no one left alive from that night other than him. Survivor’s guilt. That’s probably what a therapist would call this.
“He was actually the first one my father murdered that night.”
“What?” I could hear the shock in my voice but I shouldn’t have been surprised.
Jordan’s words from the bar came back to me. “My dad was murdered when I was in high school and my mom killed herself the day I graduated.”
“My dad went after him first. His body was found in the front seat of his car the same night.”
I had questions but I knew it wasn’t the right time. I didn’t want to lead him; I wanted him to open up as he felt comfortable.
“I thought Adam would hate me. I hated me. When I got to the hospital to see Olivia, I was surprised that he was there. He wanted to be there for me. He asked Lizzie and m
e to come with him to his dad’s funeral. We did, of course. Just like they both came to Liv’s funeral with me. Over and over, Adam told me that he didn’t blame me. ‘We can’t be defined by the sins of our fathers.’ That’s what he said.”
I bit my lip. The thought of Adam and Lizzie standing in this very spot with Zane made my skin prickle. The fear I hadn’t acknowledged since returning to Vegas was trying to make itself known as we sat in the open. I fought the urge to look over my shoulder. “Do you think that’s why…?” I couldn’t finish the question, surprised I’d even started to ask.
“I don’t know. Maybe. We were seventeen and still in high school. I have no idea when he and Lizzie started fucking around behind my back. I only know it was going on for at least two years since Conner is his.”
“You really don’t know?”
“Nope. I’ve never asked and I don’t care. I wasn’t in a very good place for the first year or so after it happened so if it started then, I really wouldn’t blame either of them. I was a shitty friend and an even worse boyfriend. It served me right.” The pain in his eyes told me he meant that.
“Stop it. Don’t make excuses for their fucked up behavior. You had been through something a lot of people don’t recover from and instead of banding together to help you, they were most likely using your distraction to fuel their betrayal. Maybe they told each other and themselves that you were distant and you didn’t care about anything anymore but that doesn’t make it right.”
He nodded at my words but I could tell by the hollow look in his eyes that he didn’t believe me. He might want to be over all this shit from his past but it still haunted him. He still tried to justify everything that happened and in that, he took the blame for the fallout. It was probably why he continued to fall for Lizzie’s bullshit. He didn’t truly blame her for the affair. He blamed himself.
