Providence: On Angels' Wings

by Lauren Wynn

  I run in the direction of the only place I can think of to help me process what happened: the old, stone church overlooking the city. I need to replenish my dimming light, if I even can after the destruction I’ve caused. How could I have been so careless?

  Without reducing my speed, I race up the hill, eager to reach the church where the burden of these emotions will fall away. I abruptly stop in my tracks in front of a sign reading: Eden Park. I detour, following the sidewalk around an oval pool with a dormant fountain in the center. A thin layer of water stands at the bottom, awaiting the life that the spring rain will bring back to it. The city rises in the valley below. The towers light up the darkness of the moonless evening. One building rises above the rest, displaying the city’s Queen City namesake with a brilliant silver tiara.

  At the overlook, I ponder the irony…Eden. Her feeling of nausea slithers through my stomach, constricting the breath in my lungs and biting my heart like an evil snake. Providence’s earlier euphoria fed me as though I were taking a bite of a shiny red apple letting her high flow through me as if it were the apple’s sweet juice slowly dripping down my throat, her completeness, her fullness, quenching my thirst.

  Defeated, I fall to the ground. I am the snake. I ate the apple. I cover my face with my hands. I got too comfortable. I crossed the line.

  A tornado of questions twists in my mind. What if I made her want me? Why couldn’t I restrain myself? Why do I want her, even now? It shouldn’t be like this. It’s not supposed to be like this. I don’t feel for the others as I feel for her. I should have been protected from this.

  God, help me to be the angel you created me to be. Help me protect her, even if it means protecting her from me. I will be obedient.

  Needing to leave this Eden Park memory behind, I bring myself to my feet. I jog the rest of the way to the church. When I arrive, I clutch my stomach, not because of exhaustion but because of her. Miles away, I can still feel her.

  Oh God, this is terrible. Zan, I don’t care if you’re listening. Oh…I think I’m gonna be sick. Why would you do this? Zan said I could be angry with you and well…I am! Why would you bring him into my life and not let us be together? There is no bow on this relationship, you hear me, no bow, not even an ugly one. He is the one I need. You sent me an angel for a reason. You sent him. You could have sent me Leo or Grant and it all would have been different, but you didn’t, you chose him. Didn’t you see this coming? Oh, if this is a test, I’m failing miserably. God, please, I beg you. Oh gosh, I can’t breathe, can’t breathe.

  Tears pour down her face when I appear in her room. It rips me apart to watch her like this. Sitting on the edge of her bed, she bends over clutching her stomach and forces a deep breath before letting out a wail.

  How could I have done this to her. I didn’t mean to hurt her. I care for her so much. I need to make her better.

  I place my hand on her back, which is violently rising and falling as she sobs. Light flows down my arm to her core. Moments pass and her sob slowly calms to a whimper. She stretches up still holding her stomach. She wipes her eyes and blinks several times removing lingering tears. Suddenly, she stands up, waves her arm around, looking left and right.

  “Zan, are you here?” She pauses for a moment. “I always feel better when you’re with me,” she whispers.

  Oh God, please send him back. I was so mean to him. I was just so sad and angry at the situation, not him. Please don’t take him away from me. Please!

  Not wanting to frighten her with a sudden appearance, I move to the corner of the room to change. The golden glow, as I see it, fades, and skin forms in its place, my messy light brown hair hangs down to my eyes with its usual slight curl. I appear, fully clothed, with all my muscles tense, and my normally square jaw twists as I wince at the sight of the pain I have caused her.

  “Providence.” I walk slowly over to the front of her bed.

  She spins her body in the direction of my voice. She falls to her knees on the bed cupping her palms over her face and bending at the hips until her forehead touches the cherry-red and white plaid bedspread. She cries.

  “Zan, I feel awful. Please make it go away,” she quietly pleads.

  She slowly rises up after I place my palm on her head. Her eyes are red and puffy. She bites her bottom lip, though not in her usual flirty way, rather in search of words.

  “I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

  “Please just hold me,” she says, sounding worn.

  My heart melts. I want to hold her. “I’m afraid,” I blurt out without thinking.

  Her eyes widen, stunned by my honesty.

  “I’m afraid of hurting you. I can’t bear to hurt you anymore.”

  “Then don’t,” she cries.

  “You deserve better. I overstepped my bounds. I was supposed to draw a line. I should have realized…”

  “I need you…my angel.” She reaches her arms out to me.

  “And you will have me, as your angel.” I take her into my arms resting my chin upon the crown of her head.

  “I know we can’t be together, but please don’t disappear on me. I just got you.”

  “I won’t, I won’t,” I reply soothingly and run my fingers through her long hair, clenching a fistful at the base of her neck, holding her tighter against me.

  “Promise me.”

  “I promise.”

  “I don’t want to be a caller you never appear before.”

  “Just say the word and I’m here. I’ll be better, I promise.” She turns up her chin and her nose grazes my neck. She takes a deep breath.

  I close my eyes. Ah, this is hard, being with her like this. I shouldn’t. Just soothe her and leave.

  “I sensed you were here. I felt you.” Her heart flutters.

  “You’re feeling better now.” I’m thankful God didn’t take my light away after being so undisciplined.

  She shakes her head in agreement. “But please don’t leave. Stay with me until I fall asleep?”

  “Yes.” Okay…just wait until she falls asleep and then leave.

  Finally a “yes” I actually wanted to hear, she thinks.

  A laugh leaves my lips. It sounds strained.

  “Just give me one minute…umm…human break.” She leaves the bedroom returning a few minutes later, looking refreshed and tying her hair up in a ponytail.

  Her cheeks are no longer as red and blotchy as before. Her breathing is steady. The innocence I so deeply missed comes alive again as she saunters in wearing matching pink pajama shorts and tank top and her frog slippers. She crawls under the covers, scooting as close to the wall as she is able and pats the space next to her.

  “Sit with me?”

  I shouldn’t, but I do.

  I lie beside her on the daybed with my legs crossed and head propped up on several pillows. The scent of clean cotton drifts off the pillows every time I shift my head and I think of home—only, I’ve never felt this way there.

  Providence curls up against me placing her head on my chest. She clutches the collar of my shirt in a fist, leaving her thumb to rest on my bare skin. A pulse thumps in the pad of her thumb. She’s content. She bends her knee, propping it on my thigh and nervously quivers.

  I can do this. I can do this. Just sit here, just like the night of the rave.

  “Please don’t disappear until I’m asleep,” she whispers.

  “Okay.” I brush my thumb down her cheek, starting at her temple and ending at her jawbone, thankful there are no tears. I kiss the crown of her head. Once again, I probably shouldn’t have, but I do.

  “Zan…Goodnight. Don’t forget, you promised you’d come back.” She yawns.

  “And I will. Goodnight, Providence.”

  The fire awakens within her once more, melting her heart, sealing the cracks and making her whole again. Possibly, if I close my eyes, I can will the feelings I have for her away, even as she’s nestled so peacefully against me. I inhale a deep breath, the aroma of cotton swirls around
me and I imagine my former home. The lush carpet of green grass underneath my feet, a similar sensation to the cushion of the mattress I lie against now, the unmistakable strength of the roots and trunk of my oak tree, along with the soft delicate leaves that curl out from its branches making it beautiful. Except now, as if in a dream, the trunk that was supporting me fades, and I assume its position supporting Providence, the delicate beauty over my strength. To have one without the other would make it incomplete, but if beauty grows out of strength, I will remain strong.

  For now, we have a plan. She will have me as her angel.

  * * * *

  The grass is moist from the morning dew, but I don’t pay mind. I lie flat on my back and watch as the sky gradually changes from almost black to ocean blue. Grant and Leo follow my lead, stretching out on either side of me. We each simultaneously take a deep, cleansing breathe, exhaling in a steady stream.

  I roll onto my side facing Grant. “Grant, do you feel your callers after you leave them?”

  “For a little while, sure, only what they were experiencing when I left. I don’t ever feel changes or shifts in them.”

  “How long does it linger for?”

  “Uh, most of the time, a matter of minutes. Occasionally intense situations can cause them to linger for an hour maybe, not more.”

  “But it’s always the same feeling as when you left? It never develops into something else?”

  “That’s right.” He hesitates. “What’s going on, Zan?”

  I gaze at the ground and pull a fistful of grass out by its roots. “I feel Providence all the time now.”

  “What do you mean, you feel her all the time?”

  “Recently, we can be separated for hours or more and if she becomes giddy or anxious or anything, I experience it. Her presence has always lingered with me, well, since the first night we met in person, but now it seems to be lasting longer and longer. Last night a good jog didn’t even make it go away. I don’t understand it.” I roll on my back. “Maybe I should take up dancing.” I laugh, finding it not the slightest bit funny.

  “Stick with what you’re good at: running. I’ve seen you move. It isn’t pretty.” Leo sits up and wraps his arms around his legs.

  Grant and I laugh, knowing he’s attempting to ease the tension. We both sit up, and I face Grant, then Leo.

  “I screwed up, man, big time,” I say with disgust.

  “In what way?” Grant asks, grabs my shoulder, and optimistically adds, “We’ll correct it.”

  “I lost control. I think I gave her too much light. I made her…” I pause, struggling to bring myself to say it out loud.

  “You can’t give too much. It’s impossible.” Leo jumps in.

  “But when she’s with me she’s euphoric and now she’s…”

  “She’s what, Zan? Let ’er rip.” Leo pats my back.

  “Now, she’s falling in love with me.” I gasp, letting go of my knees and allowing my back to collide with the ground wishing the impact would cause pain, a much deserved punishment. Punishment for wanting to be with her, hold her, embrace everything within her, whether good or bad. I turn my head to focus on Grant, who’s staring straight ahead.

  “Did she say that?” Grant asks.

  “Yes.” I cover my face, muffling my voice. “What do I do?” I yell, frustrated by the situation, not him.

  “Tell him what you did, Grant,” Leo says.

  “What you did? You’ve been through this before?” I glare at him wondering why he hasn’t told me sooner.

  “Uh…yeah, remember 2C?” He looks at the ground. I notice a hint of sparkle in his teal-green eyes. He continues, “I didn’t tell you the whole story. It started going in that direction. She never confessed to loving me, but the feelings were building. After I took Leo there, I knew I was in trouble.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I asked to be reassigned.” He peers longingly at the ground.

  “Reassigned?” I gasp.

  “Yeah, I couldn’t be her angel anymore. It was too much…for me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I wasn’t sure if your relationship with Providence was the same or if her personal situation was just really bad.”

  “Ugh! Both.” I huff.

  “You can talk to Gabriel. He reassigned me.”

  “Oh gosh, I don’t think I can do that.” I’m so selfish. I can’t do that. I at least need to talk to Providence about it first. I promised her I’d always show up. I can’t break that promise. “Leo, what do you think?” I don’t like Grant’s response.

  “Me…oh, no…I’m clean. I’ve never been in this situation before. I will support whatever decision you make, man. We’re brothers.” He puts his fist forward and our knuckles knock. I wish that made me feel better. It doesn’t.

  “Still think I didn’t give her too much, Leo?”

  “You can’t. She is human, whether her darkness is from within her or external. Humans are conditioned to sin. No amount of your light will ever change that. Now as far as her taste in men, I can’t comment on that.” He snickers. “Honestly, decision is yours now. You have to make a choice. Sounds like she’s already made hers.”

  I turn to Grant. “So, you gave her up for your duty?”

  “I made a commitment to God and my service here.” Grant stares off in the distance and then faces me. “I don’t think I would have chosen her in the end. It wouldn’t have been fair for me to continue to be assigned to her.”

  “Did you tell her or talk about it with her?”

  “No, I couldn’t.” He covers his forehead with his hand.

  “Do you regret it?”

  “Nah, that’s not what I was sent here for. I had to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t about me. My existence here isn’t about me. It’s about serving them.” He takes a deep breath and the look in his eyes shows he’s still coming to terms with that.

  I think I want both. I want both. I want to serve others and be with her.

  “You’ll make the right decision, Zan.” Leo stands up, squeezes my shoulders, and pats my arm.

  “Stew on it,” Grant says, helping me off the ground. “Seriously, take some time to think about it. If you choose a reassignment, you won’t be able to see her again.”

  Can’t see her again, ever? I need time. Time will help me solve this.

  “Thanks, guys. I’m going to jog myself into a coma now.” I glimpse at the sky and warm up my legs.

  God has a way of answering prayers, although sometimes in a round-about way. My day has been jam-packed with callers including Summer who had some tests run today, allowing me the much needed escape from my own issues. While temporary, I welcome it.

  A cool breeze blows in the early evening air. My next call takes me to a downtown law office where a gray-haired gentleman in a suit sits at the head of the long, cherry-wood table. A small pile of papers lie on the table in front of him. He leans forward, placing his elbows on the table and resting his head in his palms. A fog glazes over his eyes leaving a tear in the corner. A rip slices down the middle of his chest from heart break. I move across the room and peer over his shoulder. Divorce papers, already signed by his soon-to-be ex-wife.

  Oh…this is not what I had planned for this stage in my life. If I would have just come home earlier from work, traveled less, gone to the kid’s games, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here today. Three years from retirement and no Ginny to spend it with. This is what she wants, though. She’s moved on with her life. Not even all the counseling could get us back. She married a different man than the one I’ve become.

  He picks up the silver pen, which shakes wildly between his fingers. I place my golden hand on his shoulder. My light sails down his arm and steadies the pen. He takes a deep breath and scratches his name on the highlighted line. He hands the paper to his attorney sitting to his right and pushes his chair from the table. He stands up, loosens his tie, and walks out of the conference room.

  His pain feels all too familiar to me, l
ost. For him, love for his wife was replaced by another love, a love that he found in his work, or rather the power and money that came with it. For years, he chose it over his family, and now he’s paying the unfortunate price—a bit of a wake-up call, even if it is a late one. It’s not an easy pill to swallow.

  In the silence of our four-walled loft, I sit and ponder. Do I even love Providence? I feel differently about her than my other assignments, but does that mean I love her? Falling in love with her, or anyone for that matter, wasn’t an option I ever considered. If I do, will I choose my duty? Grant did. And he’s right; it’s not about me. This is all happening so fast. I need to just slow it down, think about it, process it. I need my century-old oak tree and flawless horizon. I close my eyes in an attempt to imagine them, but they’re hazy and for now it seems the wooden, spindly back of the chair in my bedroom is going to have to suffice.

  The Date

  The mid-afternoon sun beats down on me as I curve through the streets of downtown. It’s been a few days since I’ve seen Providence. Thankfully, Lily and Taylor have been keeping her preoccupied with girl stuff, which has dulled her otherwise frustrated and gloomy emotions. I make my way toward the park and glance up at the old stone church on the hill. I decide to turn back. This direction will only take me closer to her and, given my recent lack of restraint, I need to draw a line. If she needs me, I’ll know. Until then, I should steer clear, if not for her, for my own good.

  And I spoke too soon. Butterflies begin to stir in my stomach and my lungs compress slightly, making it difficult to breathe. I sense her.

  Oh God, what should I do? He’s just standing there waiting for me to respond. I waited for so long for him to ask me out and now, of all times, he finally does. It wouldn’t be fair. My heart is all messed up with Zan. I know we aren’t supposed to be together. I’m trying not to think about him. I haven’t seen him in days. Oh shoot, what if he doesn’t come back? Surely he will. He said he would. Crap! Crap! Chance is still staring at me. Oh God, could you give me a sign, something…anything. Wait, shoot…is this my sign. Are you trying to tell me I should take my mind off Zan? Is this supposed to be a window of opportunity? Just perfect. This sucks. I should say no anyway, but…just please don’t take Zan away from me.