Providence: On Angels' Wings

by Lauren Wynn

  “I’m not joking.” Providence’s voice shakes.

  “I had a feeling.” I softly mumble to the wall staring back at me.

  She places a palm flat on my back and clutches my hand with her other hand. The white-walled corner of the room fades as I close my eyes. A flame leaps inside her core and chill bumps flow up her arm and down her spine, triggering a shiver. Her heart beats faster and harder. I turn to face her. The haze of her spell darkens everything that surrounds us. I gaze into her hazel eyes experiencing everything she feels. The earth spins. She rises up onto her tiptoes, closes her eyes, and grazes her lips across my chin. I wrap my arms around her waist clasping my hands together on her lower back, quickly realizing the only thing covering her is the black silky shirt and cotton underwear. I take a deep breath to regain composure, removing some of the fog that has engulfed me, but temptation remains. I clench her silk shirt between my fingers and pull her to me. A low moan slips through her lips. I lift her inches off the ground so our noses touch. A fire blazes within me. My mind is fighting with my heart for control. I look up at the ceiling in an effort to regain my strength.

  Control yourself. Tell her what you came to tell her.

  I set her back down. And step an arm-length away from her. “Providence, this is harder than I thought.”

  Her eyes widen.

  “This was a mistake. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be touching you like this. I’m a snake. I’m incredibly selfish. I mean, look at you, you just got home from a date.”

  “Zan …”

  I take another step backward. The need for distance between us is the only thing my mind is getting right tonight.

  “I am going to request a reassignment.”

  The Breakdown

  “What Zan? No,” she yells.

  I look at the ground unable to bring my eyes to hers.

  “No, you can’t do that.” She gasps.

  “I thought I could handle you being with Chance or anyone and being just your angel, but I can’t.”

  Her lungs collapse as air escapes her. She grabs her chest and stumbles backward away from me, feeling abandoned.

  “I didn’t even want to go out with him. You pro…mise…d me you’d al…way…s be he…re,” she stutters.” Her knees shake in weakness. She shuffles back and collapses onto the bed.

  “I’m sorry but I can’t do this, Providence. I’m not strong enough to watch you with him.” I kneel on the floor, in a bow in front of her, begging for forgiveness.

  “If this is about the stupid goodnight kiss, it didn’t mean anything, Zan.” She places her hands on my cheeks and raises my eyes to meet hers.

  “Prov…” I look into her eyes. “I was at that church tonight when you arrived.”

  “And? We were just taking a walk. Nothing happened.”

  “I didn’t know you were going to be there, I swear.” I maintain eye contact.

  “Well, then you know nothing happened, so…” She flinches.

  “I can’t watch you with him. He’s great for you. You said yourself he was great. You deserve a normal relationship. I think it’s best if I…” I pause, feeling emptiness tear a hole in her gut. A knot builds in her throat. She sucks in a breath.

  “Tonight was proof that I can’t handle being just your angel.” My head hangs in shame. “I felt envy for the first time in my entire existence. I wanted to be him. I wanted to be the one with my arm wrapped around you, whispering in your ear.”

  A tear rolls down her cheek. “It didn’t mean anything. He doesn’t mean anything to me,” she cries.

  A huge weight pulls me down. I press my forehead to her knees, and I lay my arms on the bed on either side of her to brace myself. “I need to be reassigned. Please.” I grit my teeth and plead for her to allow me to go. I can’t perform the duty I was created for and continue to be assigned to her.

  Tears stream down her face, and her voice cannot pass the baseball-sized knot that is clogging her throat.

  “They will assign another angel to you. You will be well cared for.” My voice remains determined while my body trembles from the conflict raging inside.

  “Please, no, you…can’t d…o th…i…s?” She sobs, struggling to breathe.

  I pull back, lifting my head enough to clasp my hands together in her lap as if to begin a prayer. “I know I’m being selfish. I can’t control myself with you. I can’t be this close to you without getting carried away. I can’t be your angel and have these feelings for you. I want you to be happy. You should be with someone normal and human.” My voice softens as the truth unveils.

  “I don’t want him. I don’t want normal. I want to be with you.” She runs her fingers through my hair and grips my head tightly.

  “Providence, we’re not supposed to be together. I’m not allowed to want you, to feel this way about you.” My voice is steady, but I feel anything but.

  “But you do. And I feel the same for you,” she yells.

  “I’m not supposed to act on it, though.” I sound determined.

  “I don’t understand why He would have assigned you to me. Surely he knew this was going to happen, right?”

  I straighten up and move to sit next to her on the bed, covering her smooth, bare, olive-toned legs with a fleece blanket.

  “I honestly don’t know. I believe He knew this would happen. And I’m not sure what to do with that.” I wipe the tears off her reddened cheeks.

  “Do you think he’s testing us, our faithfulness?”

  “I have a hard time believing that. He doesn’t set us up to fail. Your faith is what brought me here. It is possible that He’s trying to grow me through this experience, through suffering.”

  “Haven’t I suffered enough—for both of us? I’m in this too. I’m in pain too,” she screams.

  I curl my arms around her, pulling her to me. “You have, Little One, you have.” I pause in thought. “The one thing I do know… He did not lead me to you for the reasons I wish.” I sigh.

  “You mean the reasons we wish?” She pokes my side. I loved you first, remember, she thinks.

  For a brief moment I smile and then shift to my right, sliding my knee onto the bed. She rotate, throwing her leg onto my thigh, only half covered with the blanket. In the moment of silence, a loud snore echoes from her father’s bedroom. It’s late, but I can’t leave yet.

  “I just need to try one more time…” Confusion flickers across her face. “Don’t you want a normal life with Chance or whomever? He can give you anything you need and want. He can provide for you.”

  I promised her I wouldn’t fish without asking and I intend to keep that promise. So, I examine her eyes searching for any sign that will confess a deep feeling for him—but nothing. She doesn’t shy away or even as much as blink.

  “No, I don’t.” She pounds her fist into her thigh. “If you recall, my normal life, my life before you, sucked. Do you not remember why you were sent to me in the first place? To protect me from my drunken father who beat me because he desperately misses my dead mother. So, tell me again, why ‘normal’ is good.” The tone in her voice is impatient and her eyes narrow as irritation surfaces.

  I know she is frustrated with me, but I’m not ready to give up yet.

  “But there is someone out there who can provide and care for you, shelter you, feed you—that kind of normal.”

  “Zan, you can provide for me. You keep me safe. Plus, I have a job. I do make money. Granted it’s not a ton, but I can feed myself. I pretty much do that now anyway.”

  “But you’ve only been out with Chance once. Maybe stronger feelings will develop if you give it time.”

  “Zan, my mind is made up. No feelings can ever be stronger than the ones I have for you. Normal life or not, with or without you, I will always feel this way only for you.”

  A curl forms at the corner of her mouth and she bites her bottom lip and a touch of rose surfaces on her cheeks. The fire in her belly warms her heart, melting some of the broken pieces back t
ogether. I close my eyes and take a deep breath in amazement.

  “How can you know that for sure?”

  “Because now I know what it feels like to have your arms around me and no other person can ever make me feel like that. And just like tonight, I will always compare them to you. And well…you set the bar pretty high. No man could ever come close…not even remotely close.”

  Then it dawns on me. She loves the thought of loving an angel. Of course, who wouldn’t? And all of a sudden I feel sick, a fog clouds my eyes, and my head feels heavy. I really did want her to love me, not the novelty of loving an angel, but me.

  I lift her leg off of my thigh, and I rise from the bed, distancing myself from her. I inhale so when I do finally speak my voice is smooth. She purses her lips together and her face reddens with fear.

  I clear my throat and look at the carpet. “It’s the angel you love,” I say with a hint of anger.

  She gasps and mentally curses me, calling me about ten different names, jerk being the only one nice enough to say aloud. She jumps up and marches to me, stopping only when she’s so close that I can see each silvery speckle in her beige, glittery eye shadow.

  She stabs and pokes at my chest with her finger. “Well, now I know you haven’t been fishing or else you would have known that I felt this way when I thought you were a damn police officer. You…you…ass.” She jabs her finger into my chest one last time leaving it there. Apparently there was another name she felt the need to say aloud.

  “You did?” I suddenly feel like a teenage boy getting asked out by his long-time crush.

  “Yes, you idiot. From the moment you wiped blood off my lip the first night I met you.”

  I always imagined my duty to be the most important thing. It is what I was created for and designed to do. I have never known any other love, until Providence, and I’m afraid I can’t go back now. This is where I belong. I have no idea what this means for my future, but I can’t see a future without her. I cannot fathom choosing to walk away from her now and continue to remain on earth for all eternity. Even for the purpose of serving others, it seems meaningless without that kind of love. So much for staying out of the limelight. The archangels are going to flock around me now.

  I grip her arms and look at her squarely. All of the anger and fear that was in her eyes seconds ago has vanished and the rings of gold and green sparkle in the dim light of her bedroom.

  “I’m so selfish,” I whisper mostly to myself. “I have no idea where this path will lead.”

  “Consider me equally selfish, then, because I wouldn’t choose any other path.” She leans forward placing her head against my chest. “What will happen to me because of my feelings for you? Will He be upset with me for falling in love with my angel?”

  A smile peeks through my conviction. “If you don’t turn away from your relationship with Him, you will be forgiven. He will give you grace.”

  “If we are together, what will happen to you?” She lifts her head to look at me.

  It’s a question I know I have to answer, but I flinch at the thought. We intertwine our fingers to make one petitioning hand. “If I choose you, I am defying Him, our creator, the very reason we exist. They will strip me of my wings. I will be banished from heaven and I will become mortal, like you.”

  Her jaw drops as horror strikes her face, the rose on her cheeks turns beet red.

  She gasps. “Banished from heaven. Stripped of your wings? What does that mean?” She jumps backward and throws her arms to the side.

  “I don’t know exactly what it means. It isn’t discussed explicitly.”

  “They can’t banish you from heaven, you’re too good, and you’ve helped too many people.”

  “I wish He would see it the way you do, Prov.” I take a deep breath.

  “He will. He will. If He forgives me, He’ll have to forgive you.”

  “It doesn’t work that way. You are given grace for your sin. Sin isn’t in our nature. So, when we do sin, it’s viewed as unquestionable disobedience and that’s…well…unforgivable.” As the thought takes hold, anger builds within me.

  Am I not worthy of the same grace He gives to humans? The question gnaws at me. However, it is one I will have to brood over later. I cannot risk Providence losing faith, which is certain to happen if I question Him in front of her.

  I bow my head. All color drains from her face leaving an icy frost to crackle in its place. Her heart misses several beats. She stands frozen with terror.

  She whispers, “No, there’s no way. They can’t send you to…hell. You can’t go to hell just because of me. I won’t let it happen. He can’t send you without sending me too.” Her tone rises as she stomps her foot.

  I tug her close to my chest. “Providence, please, don’t say that. I am prepared to pay the consequences for the choices I make. But I will not make any choice that harms you. I refuse. I will assume absolute responsibility for my actions, not you.”

  Oh my God, I don’t want a life without you. But how can I let you make this choice knowing what it will cost you for all of eternity, she thinks, unable to speak the words aloud.

  “Hey, hey.” I massage the back of her neck, underneath her hair. “Look at me.” I pull her chin up until her eyes meet mine.

  My heart swells, overcome with adoration. I gaze into her hazel eyes, the forest green blends into the golden flecks that surround her deep black pupils, perfectly reflecting my image. Memories flash through my mind: her amazing smile the first night I visited her, how she prayed for her father even after he hit her, shuffling around in her frog slippers, brushing the hair out of my eyes with her red mitten, her lips grazing across my neck, cuddling next to me in the park, falling asleep in my arms, how she felt when she took my hand, the fire that erupts in her every time we touch.

  “Providence, I want to be with you. I love you,” I say with a surprising confidence, not having fully embraced the realization until this very instant.

  Her heart pounds and her breath gets caught in her lungs. She nestles her head in the crook of my neck sweeping her nose across my skin. A waterfall of relief washes over me, unburying the feelings I have exhausted so much energy trying to restrain. My choice is made.

  “Don’t lose faith in Him, Prov. I need you to be faithful, for both of us. I will figure out how to make this work.”

  “I just don’t understand how He can send you to hell for loving me. It’s not a sin to love.”

  “I am not designed to love in a human way. In His eyes, by choosing you, I’m falling prey to human desires and challenging the existence He created for me. It is not for me to question why He chose us, me, angels to have lives devoid of touch and intimacy from another. But that is the reality of our existence.”

  “I cannot even imagine.” She rises up on her tiptoes and hugs me tighter. “I love you.” Her soft voice whispers in my ear, “I believe you are everything He created you to be and more.” She tilts her head back and winks.

  I return the smile and lift her up so our noses are touching. The fire courses through her veins. Her heart thumps against my chest. She rubs her nose back and forth across mine.

  “Eskimo kisses,” she whispers.

  She bats her eyelashes tickling at mine.

  “Butterfly kisses,” she states with a smile.

  I lean forward, our foreheads still together, until her feet meet the floor. I delicately brush my lips across hers. A warm fuzzy sensation surfaces and she holds in a breath, and her tongue crosses her lips, lightly moistening them. She leans her mouth close to mine, and we share the same breath. I bring my hands up, caressing her jawbone before moving my fingers down her neck. Her stomach somersaults in anticipation, and she presses her lips to mine, lightly at first then pressing harder. Warmth spreads from her earlobes to her fingertips and down to her toes. A shiver runs down her spine as I pass each backbone with my fingertip. Her legs tremble. Her lips leave mine just long enough to open her eyes and peer up at me.

  “Our first
kiss.” She smiles, not waiting even a half second before planting another one on me.

  I sweep her up in my arms and carry her over to the bed, resting her head softly on the cotton-scented pillows, not separating our lips for even a moment. Propping my arm under her neck, I lie down beside her.

  I could get use to this kissing thing. I take a deep and unnecessary breath.

  I pull my head back and stare at her perfectly smooth olive skin. My fingers automatically sweep a wisp of her dark hair away from her eye tucking it behind her soft little ear. I run my fingertip down the center of her forehead over the bridge of her nose—she closes her eyes—from the tip of her nose to her lips. My fingertip brushes across her thin upper lip on to her full, bright-red bottom lip. As if it has a mind of its own, my finger continues down the middle of her chin without stopping until I reach the soft spot at the base of her neck. I trace my fingertip along her collar bone and lean in to press my lips against hers, feeling a chill from their time apart. She opens her mouth and nibbles lightly on my bottom lip before taking a deep breath.

  Wanting to lose myself in her eyes, I pull back again. I run my fingers along her hand, outlining her handprint on her belly. We raise our hands up together, palms flat against each other before intertwining our fingers together. If not for her pale pink fingernail polish and her tiny delicate hands, you wouldn’t be able to tell hers from mine.

  “I know the choice I’m making is not in line with His plan for me, but I’m going to figure it out, Providence…I am.”

  “I know you will. I trust you.” She yawns.

  She presses her lips to mine again and curls up against me.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t want to leave you, but I have to go meet Grant and Leo soon.”

  “It’s okay, I’ll be fine. I’m always with you.” She rubs her finger on my temple and taps twice.

  “Sweet dreams, Providence.” I kiss the crown of her head and inhale the strawberry aroma from her hair. “I love you.”

  It sounds strange, foreign even, to hear those three words come out of my mouth and they have a very different meaning than they ever have before, one that only applies when the “you” is Providence.