Providence: On Angels' Wings

by Lauren Wynn

  I love you. In the very back of my mind, I hear the whisper of her voice.

  Scenes from our relationship play like a movie reel in my mind and they feel as real as though she is with me.

  Providence curls up in my lap, and we watch planes take off and land from the overlook in the park.

  Oh, I’m going to fall in love with you, Zan.

  The night we fought and I held her, kissed her, and clenched a fistful of her black, silky shirt in my hands.

  I shouldn’t be touching you like this.

  I can hear the words and I know they are mine, but they are in her voice. My stomach churns just as hers did during that argument.

  A fire sparks in my core and a new image scrolls across my eyelids. Water rushes down the windows of the car and Providence straddles me, kissing me, hard, breathing unevenly, her heart pounding against my palm as it rests on her chest.

  Your love is a melody…

  Her voice sings and she giggles. With my eyes still closed I can feel the thump of her heart against my palm.

  Another scene unfolds, the night I asked her to marry me underneath the silver tiara.

  I will promise to love you for the rest of my life…

  And again, my words, her voice.

  The image blows away like sand in a wind storm.

  I wait for another to appear, but it’s dark and silent. Blackness covers my eyelids but I’m afraid to open them for fear I will miss something.

  So I wait.

  I rise to my feet and walk. Dust swirls behind with every step forward. The glow of my golden body leaves a hazy streak that slowly evaporates. I’m not certain what I’m looking for, but I’ll know it when I see it. If this is truly the life He wants me to have, then I will have it.

  I move forward and hear something clattering across the ground. I feel around in the darkness—a dull dark object, a slim metal rod with a sharp pointed end. I pick it up and twirl it between my fingers. Slowly the darkness recedes, dawn breaking.

  I scratch the metal rod into the hard dirt ground.

  BROKEN

  I rub my thumb across the sharp tip.

  I am broken. I chose to be broken and yet I think I feel better than I have ever been. I’ve experienced more in the past few months than I have throughout my entire existence. But I’m still the same. I still love that which is good. But my heart will always belong to Providence. I’d like to think it possible to be used another way than that in which I was created.

  I turn my head up to the sky. I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry.

  With the tip of the metal rod I carve a hundred interlocking rings into the golden skin around my left ring finger, a complete circle symbolizing the covenant of marriage. The tiny rings are so tightly knit, you cannot tell where one begins and the other ends. I trace the etching over and over again. No matter how hard I press or how many times I scrape the sharp tip along my skin, I feel no pain.

  I have been given so much and yet I am not satisfied. I want more. I want her, and I want her the way I want her, not as I was intended to have her.

  I fall back and curl up. I pass my fingertip over and over the blackened interlocking rings that form a band around my left ring finger like a tattoo.

  I forgive you.

  And I realize I’m speaking to myself. How can I possibly ask Him to forgive me if I haven’t forgiven myself? Choosing Providence didn’t remove my fear of choosing her. This entire time I’ve been afraid of loving her, of loving anything else, until this instant.

  My chest swells with love and a sense of peace works its way through my golden body.

  Please forgive me because I can’t leave her. I love her and I’m not afraid. I won’t leave her. And I’m so sorry for that.

  The Oasis

  The wind shifts directions, the particles of dust, dirt, and sand that have been blasting my worn body for some long, unknown period of time, rise over me as if a shield were blocking them from continually pelting me. I slowly raise my eyelids, squinting from the bright sun. A mirage appears on the horizon, shiny, glassy. I bring myself out of my fetal curl onto my knees, groaning with every movement, stiff. I feel a cool, somewhat moist breeze against my golden face and the bare part of my golden chest that isn’t covered by my dust- and dirt-covered, once-white, linen suit coat. The air smells of saltwater and roses. Closing my eyes I inhale, soaking in the fresh aroma and moist air that had been bone dry. I open my mouth as if to quench my thirst with the droplets of water that hang in the air.

  When I reopen my eyes, a familiar hourglass-shaped figure glides toward me on what looks to be a green grass magic carpet that rolls in front of her with every movement. A cloud of pink rose petals billows behind her with every graceful step. Her long, wavy platinum hair floats in the breeze and her golden skin shimmers in the welcome sun. She is wearing a very elegant pale-pink satin and chiffon strapless gown. The satin glistens in the sunlight, hugging her from her chest to her waist, where it meets the chiffon flowing to the ground covering her feet. Lenox’s cheerful smile lights up her already radiant face and her teal-green eyes sparkle with what looks to be hope, although I seemed to have forgotten what hope looked like until now.

  My knees buckle, and I fall back to the hard, dusty, cracked ground, lying on my side. Shame coats me as the layer of dust and grime had coated my wet skin. I close my eyes, wishing the illusion away, not wanting to face Lenox after the way I treated her during her visit to Cincinnati.

  The ground beneath me softens and shifts to form around my body like a pillow. The air smells stronger of salt and feels thicker with moisture. I hear lapping, like the sound of a tide rising against sand. I peek through a narrow slit in my eyelids. I now lie on tan, cool sand and a Caribbean blue ocean stretches out in front of me. A small wave of the blue water cools my feet, stripping off a layer of dry, cracked desert mud. Sand and water has sealed all the dry cracks in my nightmare of a desert.

  I sit upright, leaving the impression of my body in the sand, and glance over my shoulder where Lenox sits at the edge of a lush, vibrant, tropical oasis that was moments ago my dry, barren cracked desert. Her pale-pink gown blows softly in the breeze, revealing the shape of her bent knees underneath. I stand up, raising my linen pant legs, and let the crystal blue waters rise to my ankles. With each wave my golden feet appear clearer and clearer, the blue water washing away a trail of brown dirt.

  I take a deep breath of cool salty air and turn around to finally face Lenox. She smiles at me sincerely and I force one in response.

  “I’m sorry for the way I treated you.”

  Lenox waves a golden hand, leaving a glowing streak behind before it slowly vanishes. “No apologies. Matter of fact, I have a confession…” She half smiles and pats the space next to her, which I gladly assume. “Zan, I’m sorry too,” she begins.

  “You have nothing—”

  She holds out her palm stopping me.

  “Zan, I knew Providence was going to be upset when you took me to meet her and I was wearing that skimpy outfit, your shirt, and hanging on your arm. I knew she would. It wouldn’t have been right if she wasn’t upset by that.” She holds up a finger to stop me from interrupting. “I thought that if I made her upset, she would change her mind about you and that you’d come back to us.”

  “Lenox,” I say without anger, but a hint of sadness.

  “I’m not finished yet. But then you ran after her. Zan, I saw how you looked at her, how your beautiful eyes focused on hers as if you two were the only things left in the world. And there was no competing with that. Because, Zan, even in her anger and hurt, she looked at you exactly the same way, with unconditional love and respect. I thought I could talk you into coming back to the bright side.” She chuckles. “But, I think you’ve found your own bright side, in Providence.”

  I smile and an ache creeps across my face, letting me know I haven’t smiled in awhile. I smile again and a layer of dirt cracks and chips off of my cheeks letting my golden glow peek through once ag
ain.

  I recall holding Providence in my arms, staring into her hazel-green eyes, refusing to let her go even as she yelled at me, wanting so badly to fix what I had so stupidly messed up, to hug her, to make it all better. I remember being so determined, not just to fix that particular situation but to find a way to be with her forever, for the rest of our lives. And here, I’ve been sitting in a desert for God only knows how long, waiting for someone else to free me.

  A rustle of leaves pulls me out of my trance, and I peer up at the palm trees that tower over us. In between the sand and the trees, lush vegetation sprawls in the brightest rainbow of colors. A few coconuts lie on the ground, and a pair of colorful parrots squawk from atop a palm tree. The sun beats down on the tan sand and glistens off the crystal clear Caribbean blue water, but the palm leaves shade us, and the mist from the ocean cools us.

  “Zan, I’m not here to talk you into staying with us.”

  Peering over at her I nod and brush a wisp of platinum hair away from her golden face. “Thank you. Thank you for coming here.”

  “Zan, I want you to feel full and complete. And I believe you truly are with her.”

  “I am, I really am.” I nod and stare at the ocean that stretches as far as the eye can see. “God, I miss her.” I cover my face with my hands. If I could have produced tears, they would have been flowing in streams down my face. My breath gets caught in my chest and it aches. My heart aches to be with Providence again.

  “Then what are you still doing here? Go!” Lenox exclaims, resting her hand on my back. “Come on.” She jumps up off the sand, brushes her bottom, sways her dress from side to side, and pulls me up. “One thing…”

  I look into her sparkly teal eyes.

  “Hug, please!”

  I close my arms around her waist, and she wraps hers around my neck. “I hate good-byes. So, I’ll say it now, take care of you.” She pulls away and kisses both cheeks. “I need to take you somewhere first though. Okay, no questions. It’s a surprise.”

  “Will you give me one minute alone here?”

  “Sure. You’re wearing the serious face,” she says with a wink and walks over to wade in the crystal blue water.

  I turn toward the center of her oasis, kneel, and bow my head.

  I understand the plan You had for me, and I realize I am going against that plan. And maybe You feel I am giving in to temptation, but I love her, truly love her, call it what You will, but I am choosing a life with her and I hope that throughout that life I can somehow…redeem myself with You.

  Swallowing the lump that rose in my throat I raise my head.

  I stroll over to where Lenox wades in the ocean. She clasps her hand around mine and leads me across the top of the ocean waters, skimming the crystal surface. The salt water air surrounds us with a hint of rose that swirls when Lenox kicks up pink rose petals as she moves. The sunlight reflects brightly off the surface of the water making the golden glow of our bodies shimmer. I turn back to her manifested oasis and watch it fade with every step we take away from it.

  Lenox squeezes my hand and glances at me briefly before we both close our eyes and she whisks me away from the dry barren desert I created, from the sandy beach that filled in between my toes and surging tide of the turquoise water she created.

  Once the swirl of air around us settles, I open my eyes, instantly drop to my knees where the asphalt meets the grass, and gasp for air. Standing before me, on a tiny hill, is a small, two-story, pale-yellow, cedar house with a covered front porch and hunter-green shutters.

  Providence’s house.

  A younger woman with shoulder-length, dark-brown hair and recognizable features and a familiar gray-haired man sit on the front porch swing next to each other, sipping sweet tea. Overwhelmed, I bring myself slowly to my feet, unable to breathe or speak. I stand there, rubbing my eyes as if I’m wiping imaginary tears away.

  Lenox clutches my hand. I turn my head to look at her. I brush the side of my hand down her face. “Thank you,” I whisper unable to speak louder. “Thank you so much,” I repeat in the same soft voice.

  “You were my best friend. I love you. This is what we do for each other.” I pick her up in a hug and swing her around, hesitant to take my eyes off the house for fear it will disappear, but it doesn’t. Lenox’s pale-pink dress floats around my legs until I set her back onto the ground.

  “I would have done it for you too,” I whisper in her ear. I step back to look at her. “Lenox, you will always be my sister, my family. My choosing Providence doesn’t change that.”

  She gives a quick pat on my back and steps away. “Take care of yourself.” She blows me a kiss.

  “Come visit us.” I yell as she walks away, a cloud of pink roses scattered in her trail. She turns and winks and gives a confirming wave. A fading streak of golden haze lingers.

  I climb the hill around the large tree and colorful tulips to the stairs leading up the front porch where Mr. Corban stands to meet me with an outstretched hand. I take his hand but pull him into my chest and hug him, speechless. Moments pass. I tilt my head up, peering over Mr. Corban’s shoulder. Mrs. Corban stands on the porch, watery-eyed and beaming. Releasing Providence’s father, I walk up the stairs, hug her mother and kiss her on the cheek. As they both rest comfortably on the swing, I soak in the familiarity of the front porch, the colors, and scents.

  “Grant mentioned you would be coming,” Mr. Corban says.

  “I didn’t want to leave her, but I had no choice, not if I wanted a life with her.”

  My lip curls up on one side, but a fog glazes over my eyes, and all I see is an image of Providence kneeling before me, moments before Gabriel brought me here.

  “I always knew there was something odd about you.” Mr. Corban smiles.

  I laugh. “Mrs. Corban, it is so wonderful to meet you. Providence looks like you. She misses you both so much.”

  “I’m thrilled to meet you. I never thought I would have a chance to meet the…man that my daughter would marry,” she says.

  “Our situation is rather…unique.”

  “I’d say so,” Mr. Corban says in his usual sarcastic tone, raising his eyebrow.

  “Be nice.” Mrs. Corban takes her husband’s hand and shakes her head.

  “She keeps me in check.”

  “Providence gets it from him.”

  “She definitely keeps me on my toes. She’s a fiery little thing, but I wouldn’t change any of it.” I look out at the tulips in the front yard and remember the red ones she had on the mantel in our bedroom the last night we spent together. “I promise I will take good care of her. I love her so much.”

  “I know you will, Alexander.”

  Mr. Corban nudges her. “He goes by Zan. Even had the nerve to correct me once,” he says under his breath, smiling.

  “I apologize, Zan. Don’t pay any attention to him.” She pats his hand and smiles. “Zan will you be able to come back here?”

  “I hope so, but I don’t know.” I’m trying to sound optimistic.

  “Because you have chosen a life with her?”

  I nod. “And I don’t regret the decision I’m making.” But I will always pray that hell doesn’t take me.

  I crouch down in front of Mrs. Corban. “I love her with all of my heart.”

  “I know you do. She loves you the same.” She rests her hand on my shoulder, not golden like an angel’s hand, but like a normal human hand. “You will receive no judgment from me.”

  “Will you give her something for us?” Mr. Corban asks.

  “Anything.”

  Providence’s parents tell me of a song they used to sing to her when she was a child. They sing in harmony, gliding on the swing. Closing my eyes I listen to her mother’s sweet voice. I lock away every detail in my memory so that I can share it exactly with Providence when I return home.

  Home.

  I am sure there are aspects of my angelic existence that I will miss. I’m just having a hard time coming up with them right now.<
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  The Finale

  The stone-walled hallway seems longer than it was before. The golden light that shined through the arched windows dims, and I can no longer see the silvery flecks floating in the rays of light. I move into the circular room, the grassy magic carpet rolling underneath me. As I approach Gabriel, who is standing in the center of the room on the large, triangular stone floor, my grassy carpet whirls up around me like a tornado leaving nothing but the gray stone floor behind.

  I struggle to find the right words to say to him, feeling as though I let him down, disappointed him, and turned my back on him, which, given the circumstances, is probably more of an actuality than just a feeling because I did let him down the instant I gave in to my feelings for Providence and I did disappoint and turn my back on him the second I chose her. But when I look into Gabriel’s teal-green eyes, I see he is as overwhelmed by this as I am, and I wonder how many times he’s had to do this, had to say good-bye to one of his own.

  Shame stirs within me again, and I bow my head, dropping to my knees, hitting the stone floor, realizing that the next time I fall to my knees I will feel pain shoot throughout my knee caps and into my thighs.

  “Please be patient with me. I will prove my love. Please be merciful.”

  The words flow out of my mouth, begging for forgiveness I do not deserve, but my tone is sincere rather than pleading.

  “I choose Providence,” I state as a matter of fact.

  “Then I shall send you back to her.” His words are properly enunciated.

  “Thank you,” I whisper, still staring at the ground, my head hanging heavily.

  “It is not without a price, Alexander.”

  I pause, I know what this will cost me and with my back already turned to Gabriel I say, “I understand.”