After Loving You

by Ashelyn Drake

  “How bad are you bleeding? What if—?”

  “Mia.” I smile when her name comes off my lips. “God, I miss you.”

  She goes completely silent, and I know I’ve stuck my size eleven shoe in my mouth. Still I can’t seem to get off this train. I’m insisting upon riding it straight off the cliff. “Did you get my package?”

  “Yeah, a few days ago.” She doesn’t sound happy about it.

  “Oh. I thought you’d call or message me or something.” I pull my leg up on the bench in front of me and lean forward, resting my forehead on it. If I didn’t already bash my head into that gate I would smack it against a locker or three right now. Why did I call her? Why am I putting her on the spot like this? I obviously misinterpreted our chats online. She doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. “You’re with someone, aren’t you?”

  “No. Taneesha’s at class,” she says, her voice small.

  “That’s not what I meant.” I let out a deep sigh before continuing. “You’re seeing someone. That’s why you haven’t responded to me. Did it just happen?” It must have. It would explain why she’s gone three days without talking to me for the first time in years.

  “I think you should call an ambulance now.”

  “Forget about my head, Mia. I don’t care about that right now. I care about you, about us.”

  “Us?” Her voice cracks. “Jar, you broke up with me, remember? You ended it.” Her words are slicing me so much deeper than the gash in my skull.

  “Mia, I—”

  “Where’s Faith?” she asks.

  She knows Faith’s name? I mean, I know my profile picture has Faith in it, but she must have clicked on it to see who I’d tagged in the photo. “I don’t really know where she is,” I say.

  “So you called me because you can’t find your girlfriend?”

  “She’s not my girlfriend. She never was. We’ve been hanging out, but I’m pretty sure that’s over now.”

  “Oh. I assumed…because you…you looked happy with her in your picture.”

  I smile, loving how she’s always so open even when she doesn’t want to be. “You know me. Someone raises a camera and says smile and I have to say—”

  “Cheese,” she finishes for me. “I wasn’t sure what to make of the package you sent me.”

  I figured as much. I wasn’t sure what to make of me sending it. “I thought you’d like to have those pictures.”

  “Thanks.” I can tell she’s struggling to find the words to say. I’m confusing the hell out of her, which is the last thing I want to do.

  “Look, I needed to hear your voice. I feel like crap and pretty much like the biggest moron on the planet for impaling myself with a metal fence. I knew it would help to talk to you.”

  “Did it?” she asks, and she sounds hopeful yet fearful at the same time. What is that about? I realize she never answered my question.

  “That depends. Are you seeing someone new?” I need to know. Even though it might kill me.

  “I-I don’t know.”

  “What does that mean, Mia?” I press my hand to the back of my head. The bleeding has slowed. Score one for blood clotting.

  “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this. I thought we had this unspoken agreement not to talk about who we date.”

  So she is dating someone. “Tell me one thing.”

  “What?” I hear her swallow hard on the other end of the line.

  “Is it serious?” I hold my breath and pray she won’t say yes.

  “We met a few days ago.”

  I exhale and smile. A few days is nothing compared to the years Mia and I have shared. “Good. Are you going home for the fall festival? I’m pretty sure you owe me a hayride.” Last year Mia didn’t make it home for the festival. Her roommate’s brother got married and she went to the wedding instead.

  “Um, I’m not sure yet.”

  “Please come.” The door to the locker room opens and guys pour inside. “I have to go. My ride is here. Promise you’ll think about it.”

  “I will,” she says, but she doesn’t sound sure at all.

  “I miss you, Mia.” I hang up because I don’t want to feel the rejection of her not saying she misses me, too.

  “What are you…?” the phys. ed. instructor starts to ask, but then his eyes lower to the blood all over my hand and his tone softens. “Are you okay?”

  “I could use a ride to the hospital if you don’t mind.” That’s all I have to say. He motions for me to follow him, using his arm to guide me in case I’m wobbly on my feet, which I am. Talking to Mia made me think I was doing better than I actually was. After about five steps, I black out.

  ***

  “Jared?” Mia’s face fills my mind and brings a smile to my lips, but when I open my eyes, it’s Faith standing over the hospital bed. I look around for a moment, trying to get acclimated to my surroundings. I’m in a double room with a curtain separating me and the person in the bed next to mine.

  Faith reaches forward and places her hand on my head, which I now realize is bandaged. “What happened? I was so worried when the nurse called and told me you were here.”

  Why would the nurse call Faith of all people?

  “You didn’t have any ID on you, but they found your phone. I was the second number they tried. Thank God I answered. I rushed right here.”

  The second number? They must have checked my call log. Did they call Mia first? Maybe she told them to call Faith. No, she would’ve told them to call my parents, wouldn’t she? I don’t know what to make of all this, and I can’t help but worry that Mia is freaked out about me lying unconscious in the hospital. She probably blames herself for talking to me instead of insisting that I call an ambulance. That’s how Mia is.

  “Where’s my phone?” I ask. I need to text Mia, let her know I’m all right.

  “On the table there. Why?” I reach for my cell, but Faith takes my hand in hers. “Jared, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said on that message. I was angry with you for leaving me like that with no explanation at all, but I get it now. You want to take things slow. I’m not really used to that, but if it’s what you want, I’m willing to give it a shot. I wasn’t lying when I said I was falling for you. Maybe I took it too far by using the L-word so soon, but I really care about you. I think we could be great together. Don’t you?”

  How do I respond to that? She’s being so sweet right now, so much like that girl I met in the parking lot last May. And Mia’s seeing someone else. She’s seeing someone and will remain four hours away until we both graduate in almost two years. I’m a fool for reaching out to Mia and laying my feelings on her. Nothing’s changed. I don’t want a long-distance relationship, so why am I giving Mia mixed signals? It’s not fair to her, to me, or to Faith.

  Faith squeezes my hand, and I remember that she’s waiting for me to answer. “I wasn’t looking for anything serious when I met you. I guess I’ve been trying to avoid labels because we’re in college. We’re not supposed to get serious about relationships. We’re supposed to screw up and…” As I say it, I realize I don’t mean it. I am the relationship type. I don’t date random girls. “No, you’re right. I think we could be good together.”

  She leans down, giving me a very tentative hug, like she’s afraid she’ll hurt me. “You don’t know how happy I am to hear that. I know I can be intense sometimes. It’s just that I’m used to having to fight for attention. It’s tough to make people listen to you when you’re the only one in the room who isn’t screaming.” I know she’s talking about her parents. Their relationship has really screwed her up.

  Unfortunately, she thinks I can fix her. That’s a lot of pressure.

  Chapter Six

  Mia

  I’ve been sitting in my room for hours, wondering if Jared’s okay. First he calls me out of the blue and tells me he’s cut open his head. Then he tells me he misses me and asks me to come home for the fall festival so we can spend time together. And as if that wasn’t enough to
totally screw with my head and heart, I get a call from a nurse saying I was the last person a patient with a head injury called and could I ID him. I’m emotionally spent.

  My phone chirps with a text and I scoop it up, praying it’s news about Jared.

  I’m fine. Sorry they called you. Forgot my ID and sort of passed out.

  I breathe a sigh of relief, letting go of the fear that’s been eating away at my insides. Are you okay?

  All stitched up and good as new. Except for the big bald spot on the back of my head now. They had to shave me. Very sexy, I’m sure.

  The fact that he’s joking like usual makes me feel better, but the fact that he didn’t address his first text with hey, beautiful causes my stomach to sink to my feet. It shouldn’t bother me. Things with Mark have been going surprisingly well. After I made the decision to kiss him the other day in my room, we’ve been hanging out a lot. I’m taking it slow, like turtle-speed, but he’s not complaining. We’ve been on two more coffee dates and tonight he’s picking me up for dinner. Mark is good for me. I can tell by the way he doesn’t push me to talk about things I don’t want to discuss—like the package from Jared—or try to make me do anything I’m not ready for yet. We’ve only kissed a handful of times.

  I’m glad you’re okay, I text Jared. I was worried about you. Because that’s what friends do. They worry about each other. And Jared and I are friends. It’s all we can be, and I have to be okay with that. So does he.

  My ride is here to bring me back to campus so I’ll talk to you soon. K?

  I can’t help wondering if that ride is Faith. I still don’t know why I told the nurse to call her. Jared said they weren’t together, and I really don’t want to think about him with her. Yet her name rolled off my lips as soon as the nurse asked me who she should contact about Jared. I thought seeing him happy with Faith was more than I could handle, but really it was hearing that he missed me. I can’t think about those feelings or I’ll drown in them all over again. I have to move on.

  Take it easy. It’s totally casual and unfeeling, which makes it the perfect text.

  Take care, beautiful.

  My chest tightens and I squeeze the phone at the sight of those words. Why did he have to say that? Doesn’t he know he’s torturing me? I’m still staring at my cell phone when Mark shows up for our date.

  “Knock, knock,” Mark says, peeking his head in the partially open door.

  “Hey,” I say, putting my phone aside and smiling at him.

  “You ready to go?” He steps into my suite and looks around, most likely trying to determine if Taneesha is hiding anywhere, like in the bathroom or her room.

  “Give me two seconds, okay?” I hop off the couch and slip my shoes on my feet.

  Mark meets me by the bathroom doorway, placing a kiss on my cheek. “Promise you aren’t going to change a thing about your appearance when you go in there.” He nods toward the bathroom. “You already look beautiful.”

  Beautiful. Hearing him say the word Jared always calls me makes my entire body go rigid.

  He narrows his eyes at me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound like I was telling you what to do.”

  I shake my head. Get a grip, Mia. “You didn’t. I just remembered I have to write a paper later. That’s all.” I lightly smack the side of my head with my open palm. “Totally forgot.”

  He reaches for my hand and kisses the spot on my head I smacked. Yeah, he’s totally perfect. So why am I still thinking about Jared? I’m majorly screwed up.

  I smile at Mark, step inside the bathroom, closing the door behind me, and go directly to the mirror to give myself a much-needed pep talk. “Okay, Mia, don’t blow this. Mark is a great guy and he wants to be with you. Jared is your friend. Nothing more.” I clutch the edges of the vanity and close my eyes, repeating the words in my head and hoping they’ll sink in. I give my teeth a quick brushing and then I’m out the door.

  “All set,” I tell Mark.

  He holds his arm out so I can take it. Mark isn’t a hand-holder. I thought it would bother me since Jared and I always held hands, but it’s actually a nice change walking around with our arms looped. “I think you’re going to love this restaurant. The chef is amazing.”

  “I’m starving so that sounds great.” My stomach rumbles right on cue.

  Mark smiles and pats my stomach, which to my surprise sends tingles throughout my body. “Easy, girl. We’re going to get you some food.”

  I turn and lean in to kiss him for being so absolutely adorable, when my phone chirps on the couch. “Oh,” I say, feeling my cheeks warming. “Almost left without my phone.” I let go of Mark and retrieve my phone from the cushion where I left it. Another text from Jared.

  Think about the fall festival. It would be great to see you.

  I swallow the lump in my throat and put my phone in my purse without responding. “Let’s eat,” I say, taking Mark’s arm once more.

  On the way to the restaurant, he tells me all about the book he’s reading, which sounds surprisingly like Harry Potter. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second.” I hold my hand up to stop him and he turns to look at me, taking his eyes off the road for a second. “Next you’re going to tell me that the main character finds a phoenix in his headmaster’s office.”

  “He does!” Mark laughs. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Most people tune me out when I talk about books. I had to make sure you were really listening.”

  “I guess I passed your little test then, Mr. Newberry.” I cross my arms in mock triumph.

  “With flying colors, Ms. Thompson.” He eyes me again, giving me a smile that could melt me in my seat.

  “So, why Harry Potter?” He’s been reading Anna Karenina for class. No way did they all of a sudden switch to a children’s book.

  He shrugs. “I figured everyone knows that story.” He turns right into a housing development.

  “Did you forget something at home?” I ask him.

  “Nope.” He pulls into the driveway of a white colonial with gray shutters. “Welcome to Casa Sherman.”

  “Who?”

  “My sister’s new last name. Don’t worry. She and her husband are out for the evening. We have the place to ourselves.”

  Oh crap. I so don’t want to have the “I’m the last virgin alive” conversation. Not even Taneesha knows. She just assumed Jared and I had sex since we were together for two years. Everyone assumed that, and I let them because it was way less embarrassing than telling them the truth. It’s not like I’m super religious and I’m waiting for marriage or anything. It’s just that what Jared and I had was so much deeper than physical stuff. Sure we did plenty of physical things, but we’d never actually had sex. We almost did once, after prom, but it seemed so cliché I couldn’t go through with it. And then Jared broke up with me before we left for college. I never thought the two events had anything to do with each other, but I’m sure he’s had sex since we broke up.

  “You okay?” Mark asks, and I realize he’s holding my door open for me.

  “I thought we were going to a restaurant,” I say, taking his hand and getting out of the car.

  “I wanted to surprise you. I’m not a great cook or anything, but there are about four dishes I make really well.” He smiles, obviously proud of himself, and I can’t deny it’s really sweet that he wants to cook for me. The most Jared ever made for me was a turkey sandwich. Not that I’d ever hold lack of cooking skills against anyone. I’m not exactly a gourmet chef, either.

  Mark leads me up the pathway to the front door. He smiles and places his hand on the small of my back as he holds the door open for me. “After you.”

  A tiny white poodle yaps and runs over to me the second I step inside. I bend down and pat its head. “Hey, little guy.”

  “Sammy, no jumping,” Mark scolds.

  “It’s okay. He’s too tiny to hurt me.” I scratch behind Sammy’s ear, which gets me a kiss on the nose.

  “Okay, Sammy, you’re showing me up here.” Mark
bends down next to me. “It’s not exactly fair that he got to kiss you first. I’m the one who’s cooking for you.”

  I stop petting Sammy and turn to Mark, pressing my lips to his. “Better?”

  “Getting there.” He pulls me to my feet and kisses me again. Not a crazy passionate kiss that makes my head spin. More sensual. He’s taking his time and savoring every minute. If I had to describe Mark’s kiss in one word, it would be perfect. I get caught up in the moment, and Sammy paws at my leg, jealous that Mark’s getting all my attention.

  I pull back slightly and smile at Mark. “Yeah, that was much better.”

  “I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy I ran into someone, literally. But spilling your coffee that day was definitely the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time.” He reaches for my hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing my fingers. “I just wish I hadn’t burned you.”

  My fingers aren’t even red anymore. “Not to worry. My hand feels fine. I’m a fast healer.” If only my heart healed as quickly as the rest of my body. Staring at Mark, I want to let go and see where this takes me. I want to fully commit to getting to know Mark and moving on from Jared. But am I really ready?

  Mark leads me into the kitchen, which is already set up with pots on the stove and a bottle of wine on the center island. One sniff of the air and I know it’s chili in the pot. And chili happens to be one of my favorite foods.

  “That smells delicious,” I say, breathing deeply again.

  Mark holds up one finger and walks into the next room. I stay put, knowing that’s what he wants. He returns holding a purple candle. “Lilacs aren’t in bloom so I had to settle for this.”

  “Why lilac?” I ask. He couldn’t possibly know that’s the shampoo I use, could he?

  He shrugs and looks down at the candle in his hand. “The scent reminds me of you.”

  The gesture is so sweet I walk over and take the candle from him, my free hand assuming the candle’s former position in his. “Lilac is my favorite. Thank you.” I kiss him again, which should be odd considering I haven’t dated much in the past two years, but somehow it just feels natural.