The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6)

by Ichabod Temperance

  “That is fantastic! You are an extraordinary woman, Persephone Plumtartt! Why has there not been some handsome gallant swoop in to sweep you off your feet to go off and live happily ever after?”

  “I say, I sometimes wonder that myself. No, I must tell you, Kit. I have had a chaste and honorable romantic liaison for over two years now. I grow apprehensive that our relationship will never advance to a more meaningful plateau.”

  “Is he a ‘Revelatory Comet’ affected person as you are, Persephone?”

  “Yes, Kit, he is.”

  “Then what hope do I have of pursuing a relationship with you? I cannot compete with one such as he.”

  “Ho, ho! No, Kit, if you only knew! He is a pale shadow of a man like you, Kit Eppington! Oh! Oh, no, I’m sorry, I should not have said that. I am a bit exasperated with him of late, I think. Perhaps it’s time for you to get me back to the hotel.”

  “Are you sure, Persephone? The night is still very young. I should like to take you dancing or we could take in a show, maybe?”

  “Oh dear, I’m sorry, Kit, but I must refuse. Please hurry me back to the hotel.”

  ---

  “Yes, this is my hotel, Kit. I wish to send my shopping day parcels in through the front door, but I have an unusual request to make of you. I have a gnawing suspicion as to what awaits me. Please direct the driver to pull around to the back of the hotel. Yes, this is good. I believe the person I seek is probably still lurking in the basement, where I left him.”

  “Here we are, Persephone darling, stylishly skulking about the back of your hotel in a four horse coach. Are you sure you won’t change your mind about taking in the follies somewhere?”

  “No thank you, Kit, I truly enjoyed a wonderful day, and you have been an absolute delight, but now it is time to part. Good evening, sir.”

  “It’s going to take a moment or two for this coach to get turned around in the confined space of these alleys. Hurry back, in the hopeful case that you should change your mind, Persephone.”

  Resisting the impulse to look back at that outrageously handsome man, I move swiftly to the narrow flight of stairs leading to the hotel’s basement. I’m not quite ready to throw Mr. Temperance overboard just yet.

  I enter the dusty low-ceilinged room to find the chap exactly as I left him some eight hours earlier. The difference is, he actually notices when I come in.

  “Howdy there, Miss Plumtartt. Are you ready for breakfast? I gotta admit, I’m startin’ to get mighty hungry.”

  “Breakfast, Mr. Temperance? At this hour?”

  “Why, as I check my pocket watch, I see that it is still only eight o’clock. I know it’s a little late for breakfast, but I’m sure the hotel will still accommodate us.”

  “Yes, Mr. Temperance, true, it is eight o’clock; however, it is eight o’clock P.M., not A.M.”

  “Eight o’clock at night!? Gee whiz, does that mean you ate breakfast without me?”

  “Indeed, Mr. Temperance. Breakfast, lunch and dinner.”

  “But what about me? I’m hungry!”

  “My word, I should think you would be, sir. I tried to get you to accompany me earlier but you refused to pay me the slightest amount of cognizant registration. I must say, I did not care for this inattention. Tell me, just what is it that has focused your thoughts and desires to such a degree, sir, that you do not notice the passing of an entire day and its complement of meals?”

  “Oh! Yes, Ma’am! I have been working on a very exciting scientific process. Miss Plumtartt!”

  “Indeed. A stupendous new invention that will change Mankind forever, you say, eh, hem? And what is this Grail you seek?”

  “Paint, Ma’am!”

  …

  “Paint, Mr. Temperance?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt! I got an ideer for a new kinda paint!”

  …

  -sigh- “Tell me about your paint, Mr. Temperance.”

  “Well, I ain’t got none yet, Miss Plumtartt. It’s just a little theory I’ve been kickin’ around. Ya see, it’s all on account a me bein’ so fond of cheese, ya see.”

  “Cheese, Mr. Temperance?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, I sure ’nough gotta powerful craving for cheese, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I ain’t never met a cheese I didn’t like. Well, last night, after we got that ol’ Sku Le’Bizzarre feller squared away, I was looking up at that big beautiful Moon hanging over the city. I was wishing I could just reach up and grab me a hunk o’ that Moon cheese.”

  “Moon cheese, Mr. Temperance?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Moon cheese. Don’t tell me you didn’t know the Moon was made of cheese? I thought everybody knew that! Any ways, I was wantin’ me some o’ that there Moon cheese something awful. Well Ichabod, I said to myself, if you want it so bad, why don’t you just go up there and get some? Well, Ichabod, I answered myself, I just may do that.”

  “Moon cheese, Mr. Temperance?”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, but there was just one thing holding me back.”

  “And what is that, Mr. Temperance?”

  “Gravity.”

  “I see.”

  “Yes, Ma’am! That’s where the G.N.P. comes in!”

  “G.N.P., Mr. Temperance?”

  “Gravity Nullification Paint.”

  “You can’t be serious.”

  “Well, it’s just an ideer, but I’m a thinkin’ that if I could make a paint that renders the object painted, in effect, invisible to gravity’s clinginess, I could paint up a carriage and why I could just float on up there and eat all the Moon cheese I wanted... Hey, where you going Miss Plum...”

  -slam!-

  Oh, good, Kit’s coach has just now gotten itself worked around and is prepared to depart.

  “Kit! Wait!”

  Mr. Kit Eppington leans out of the coach, his beaming features calling for the driver to halt. The handsome man leaps from the carriage. Impulsively we briefly embrace and the forward fellow places a quick kiss on my cheek.

  “So, Kit, is that offer for a show still good?”

  “Persephone, darling, of course! You have made me so happy, my dear!”

  Kit stands ready to assist me into the coach.

  I glance back to see the dumbstruck, doe-eyed face of Ichabod Temperance, his up-turned nose pressed against a dirty pane of the basement window, looking at us in pain and incomprehension.

  Chapter Three:

  Under the Law

  P.O.V. Mr. Howard C. Cross

  “Out of my way, peasant, I’m claiming this lane of the sidewalk, therefore granting me the right of way!”

  “You! Storekeeper! I nearly slipped and fell as I passed your sidewalk displays! You better see to my safety if you know what’s good for you! I am holding you liable for any mishaps that may occur!”

  “Harumph.”

  “You! Passserby! Did you just give me an ugly look? That could be construed as assault! I think I have suffered injury! Lucky for you I’m otherwise engaged, buddy, or I’d sue you down to your birthday suit!”

  Focus, Howie! I must get to the police station before my client incriminates himself any further!

  WAH-WOOOO WAH-WOOOO WAH-WOOOO

  An ambulance! Potential clients! Chase! Chase! Chase! No, Howie, no! Curb that instinct! This client at the station comes before any other. I must deny the irresistible summon of the siren’s call.

  Ah, here I am at the offending station house.

  “You there! Police officer! Open that door! You’re a public servant and I am the public! Service me!”

  “Out of my way, peons, I need to get to the booking area before a grave injustice is done!”

  “You there! The seven foot tall female police officer covered in tar! Unhand my client, toots! Ipso facto, that goes for your shameless partner, parading about in her lingerie, et al. What kind of police station is this?”

  “This is the kind of police station that is going to hang onto this prisoner, you two-bit shyster. Give it up, counselor,
there is no way you are going to get this menace out of here.”

  “Slander! Slander! Slander! Shyster? Menace? Two-bit! Thanks officer, you just made this job much easier, lady.”

  “Cross! You are here, mon! Make these cretins remove these manacles! As soon as I am free I will KI...”

  “Quiet, Skullzy baby! Don’t say another word! Everything is copacetic, chief! I’ll have you sprung in no time!”

  “Ye’ client is inna the deep pooh, Maester Lawyer lad. I doon’t think he will be leaving our warm embraces anytime soon.”

  “Don’t you dare address me as ‘Maester Lawyer lad’, you little tar covered police hussy with the uncomfortably male voice. That’s another layer of slander! Ow! My neck! Now look what you’ve done! You made me injure myself! I think I have whiplash! I will sue this station into the ocean, or my name isn’t Howard Carmichael Cross!”

  “Your client is a maniacal madman bent on apocalyptic destruction!”

  “Libel!”

  “He broke out of jail!”

  “He was escorted voluntarily out the door by the superintendent himself!”

  “He mesmerized the superintendent, and had the poor man fighting his fellow jail employees and guards. There are two dozen men in the hospital because of him!”

  “Hah! I knew it! That jail is an unsafe environment for my client. The staff are not properly trained! I refuse to allow my client to be subjected to such a dangerous facility until its jailers have received extensive re-training, lengthy psychiatric examinations and undergone board certified sensitivity training.”

  “He drove a mechanical monster through the streets of Los Angelos causing thousands of dollars in property damage!”

  “There is no ordinance applicable to this vehicle. Are you trying to frame this poor innocent man? My client was well within his rights to operate that eight-legged carriage. As an Ambassador from the Island of San Monique, Monsieur Sku Le’Bizzare enjoys Diplomatic Immunity! You men have created an embarrassing international incident between our two countries! Of course, if that story doesn’t fly, then insurance will pick up the tab on any accidental mishaps that may have allegedly occurred while my client was accused of being in control of said transport device.”

  “The bloody heel tried to keell us with the terrible coontraption!”

  “Allegedly tried to kill you. Good luck proving that one, you Irish tart. As it is, I expect this station to have that vehicle recovered from the tar pits, fieri facias. Now hop to it, chickie, or I’ll see to it that you are sent back to being a horse parking maid, babe!”

  “This man is a public menace! Your oily lawyer tricks will be to no avail, you citizen chiseler.”

  “Augh! I am wounded! That oafish woman has verbally struck me! You’re in big trouble now, you tall, sticky with tar, tarnished, tramp. Why you’ll be lucky to have a job as a crossing guard honey...Ullgph!”

  “Augh! She’s choking me! Get off me lady! Help! I’m being manhandled by this woman! Somebody get this crazy broad off of me!”

  “Stop throttling that man this instant! What is the meaning of all this? Officer! Unhand that man!”

  “No! You don’t understand, Mr. District Attorney, this is not what it looks like! This guy has gone too far!”

  “Teddy! Oops! I mean, Theodore! Oops! I mean, District Attorney Theodore PhuzzBottom! Boy, am I glad to see you! Look what your cossack, high-heeled, jackbooted, stormtrooper, union-thug, commie, cops are doing! I’m being peppered by this police-woman!”

  “Howie! Is that you? Constable Smith! Unhand that man! What are you doing? Have you taken leave of your senses? This man is a very generous campaign donor! Oops! I mean, influential political hack! Oops! I mean, a valued, and civic-minded citizen!”

  “This crumb-sucking counselor is in the process of setting a very dangerous man loose on the streets of this city, D.A. PhuzzBottom!”

  “‘Crumb-sucking counselor?’ See, Teddy? The slanderous statements from this public-paid municipal menace mount to the sky, District Attorney Theodore-baby! I want that public servant suspended! I want her badge! I want this crazy bimbo fired!”

  “What do you know about being civic minded you uncivilized civilian!”

  “A lot more than you, you towering terror!”

  “Officer Smith! That is enough! Mr. Howard C. Cross, I am so sorry and ashamed of the actions from these disreputably attired policemen. Is there anything we can do to remedy this unfortunate situation?”

  “Well to start with, you can take those inhuman manacles from the wrists of my innocent client. Drop all charges and I might consider relenting on a few of my many lawsuits.”

  “Of course! Done! You and your client are free to go. Is there anything else we can do?”

  “As a matter of fact, yes, there is one other little thing I should like.”

  With lightning speed from many such undertakings, I quickly reach out to the overly tall policeman/woman, nimbly unpinning the badge from his bra strap.

  “I think I will hang onto this as a little memento of my time here this afternoon. Come Monsieur Sku Le’Bizzare, allow me to escort you from this house of uncouth ruffians.”

  “Harumph!”

  Chapter Four:

  The Evening Follies

  P.O.V. Mr. Kit Eppington

  “Persephone! The follies were a delight, but doubly so in your enchanting company, my dear. I do hope you enjoyed the show yourself?”

  “OOOOOOOOh, Kit! I cannot remember when I have had as much fun! I do so thank you for taking me on this wonderful date.”

  What a thrill it is to be the source of happiness in this British beauty’s eyes.

  “I confess, I actually had no thoughts for the performance tonight. These were reserved only for my lovely companion.”

  “What a charming thing to say, Kit. Ah, here is our carriage to take us away.”

  “May I have the honour of assisting you aboard, Persephone?”

  “Why the privilege would be mine, I assure you, K... Oh, bother.”

  “Persephone! What is the matter? You suddenly appear despondent.”

  “Well, do you remember my mentioning the ‘Revelatory Comet’ affected tinkerer that I have been traveling with?”

  “Yes, my dear.”

  “Well, he is running up the street, in a peculiar zig-zag pattern. The frantic swing of his head to and fro as he bobs about gives indication of a searching intent. He appears to be looking for someone or some thing. I suspect that I myself am the quarry being sought. There, I do believe he has spotted us.”

  “Huhh! Huhh! Huhh! -gasp!- Huhh! Huhh! Huhh!”

  “Mr. Temperance, you approach us out of breath and gasping for air. To what do we owe this state of dishevelment, sir?”

  “Huhh! Huhh! Huhh! I … ran … all …. the … way ... , … here. Huhh! Huhh! Huhh!”

  “Persephone, darling, might I prevail upon you to introduce me to your little friend?”

  “Oh, of course, forgive me, Kit. Mr. Kit Eppington, may I introduce you to Ichabod Temperance.”

  “Temperance, eh? Well, it’s a fine thing to meet you, my boy.”

  “Huhh. Huhh. Huhh. Yessir. … Mr. Eppington, … sir. … Huhh.”

  “Persephone tells me you are some kind of mechanically inclined genius! A prodigy from the passing of the ‘Revelatory Comet’, eh, what. That is extraordinary! How I envy you! Your little rural intellect has been elevated to incredible levels! Now you can focus your thoughts to achieve incredible results! Your mind is like a highly-energized rat on a treadmill! All thoughts are zeroed in on clockwork problem solving. That is amazing! I know I could never be as you sir. No, my wild and uncivilized intellect is of a harder and more brutal aspect. How I wish I could get my mind to think in the practical world of invention, but alas, I know that my free and open spirit cannot be tethered to your brilliant heights, Temperance, old boy. My word, a real live genius, right here before me. How Jolly good!”

  … “Huhh.”

  “E
h, hem. This theatre is at least eight miles from the hotel. Am I correct in assuming by your arrival, that you ran the entire way?”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  “I see. Could you impart the reason for this minor marathon?”

  “Um, you forgot your parasol, Miss Plumtartt.”

  “Mr. Temperance?”

  “Yes, Ma’am?”

  “It is after ten o’clock in the evening. I am not in requirement of solar protection.”

  “Oh. Yeah. Right. I guess that makes sense. Well, here you go, if ya want it.”

  “No thank you, sir. I believe I prefer to retrieve it during the daylight hours, when its use will be more appropriate. I would look pretty silly walking around with a frilly white parasol at this time, would I not? You may convey it back to its rightful place for me.”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  “Well it’s been a fine thing, meeting you Temperance,” I say to the lad. His face contains certain attributes that put me in mind of a Bassett Hound. “Cheerio, Old Boy!”

  “Uhb.”

  A sudden gust of wind snatches the parasol from the slack hands of the doleful chap. This snaps the young man awake with a sharpness and alertness that was lacking in the fellow until now.

  “Hey! Don’t you worry Miss Plumtartt! I’ll get it! I sure ’nough wouldn’t let nothing happen to that there parasol of yours!”

  That parasol is immaculate. It will no longer be so if it lands in the deep pools of carriage rutted mud, water, and heaps of manure provided by the teams of waiting horses before the theater.

  The farm boy gains a quick burst of speed and then launches himself in a perfect dive, not unlike that of a magnificent swan, coming in for a landing upon a pond. By Jove, he got it! The boy is able to snag the parasol in mid-flight!”

  sploop

  Outstanding! The parasol is safe! Not a drop of mud on it! Temperance, we assume, is attached to the arm that protrudes from the street’s deep hybrid mix, holding the still immaculate, frilly white parasol aloft.