The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6)

by Ichabod Temperance

  “But that is the least likely place they would be!”

  “Which is precisely why they would be there.”

  “I think you are just trying to find a safe place to hide out with your own private guard!”

  “What? Who? Me? No!”

  “Bah, get out of my factory you learned snake.”

  “Right! Hold this cadaver-craft steady, I’m climbing up! Overseer Scar’geiverre, gather about twenty zombies to accompany us and let us ensure that these eastern fields are safe for our Master!”

  “Oui, Monsieur Overseer Cross!”

  Pfft. Like I’m really gonna go out and take on a bunch of overzealous commandos. I’m not even armed with as much as a restraining order!

  Ah, this is more like it. Nice and peaceful. No troublesome trespassers to endanger numero uno. I only wish I had a handy Bob Zombie to serve me, the San Moniquan big kahuna, a nice fruity Pina Colada.

  -thud- -flump-

  “Did you hear that, Overseer Scar’geiverre? I heard a fleshy strike followed by the sound of a heavy weight falling to the ground.”

  “Oui, Overseer Cross.”

  -thud- -flump- -thud- -flump- -thud- -flump-

  “I heard it again, Overseer Scar’geiverre. The disconcerting sound of a hollow thud, not unlike the sound one hears while shopping for melons and the thoughtful consumer might ‘thump’ the produce to verify its state of ripeness. This is what I am hearing in the first sound. The second sound continues to put me in mind of a weight, perhaps the equivalent of a human body, hitting the ground. Do you agree, Overseer Scar’geiverre?”

  “Oui, Overseer Cross.”

  -thud- -flump- -thud- -flump- -thud- -flump-

  “Do you think these sounds correspond with the positioning of our zombie guard forces, Overseer Scar’geiverre?”

  “Oui, Monsieur Overseer Cross.”

  -thud- -flump- -thud- -flump- -thud- -flump-

  “I believe that we are under attack by stealthy and determined adversaries, Monsieur Overseer Cross.”

  -thud- -flump- -thud- -flump- -thud- -flump-

  “I object! Case dismissed! Get me out of here!”

  -thud- -flump- -thud- -flump- -thud- -flump-

  “Oui, Monsieur Overseer Cross!”

  phssszzziiiing! toink!

  “A flash of silver metal has flown in front of the ‘Cadaverpillar’! It has severed the string of our chicken! The bird is free and running into the shelter of the cane fields!”

  -thud- -flump- -thud- -flump- -thud- -flump-

  “Why aren’t we moving?! We are almost out of bodyguards!”

  -thud- -flump-

  “Make that, we are out of bodyguards! Get these lazy corpses to stepping! I might be in danger!”

  “Without the chicken to dangle before them for motivation, they have no reason to move forward, Monsieur.”

  “Get out and run before the vehicle. We’ll let the wicker basket cases chase after you, Overseer Scar’geiverre!”

  “They can sense that I am an official zombie overseer, my authority granted by Sku Le’Bizarre, the same as you. The zombies do not pursue or eat the overseer, Monsieur.”

  “Let the zombie motorvators out of their cage balls! They are now put on bodyguard duty!”

  “I think it is too late, Monsieur.”

  “Aye, it is too late me dearies. I ask ye both to carefully climb down from ye’re cursed trolley.”

  “What! Officer Joshua O’Hagan! I knew it! You public menace, by the time I’m through with you, Los Angelos won’t trust you as a crossing guard. By the way, how did you get here? Never mind, I don’t care. You should know, officer, that you are out of your depth and out of your league. Not only that, but you are way out of your jurisdiction, detective. You don’t have any authority here! I’m the authority, here! I don’t have to do as you say!”

  “I winged me policeman’s badge to free the chicken. I’ve not yet retrieved it. I am not bound by departmental regulation at this time. I ask ye as one bosom pal to another, please climb down from that perch.”

  “And what if I refuse?”

  “I was thinking of climbing up there and tossing you down, but then I thought, no, I’ll just bean ye with this rock, instead. And if I don’t get ye the first time, I have more stones in me pockets. What about you lads?”

  “Yessir! I got plenty, but don’t you worry none about missin’ Officer O’Hagan. That would be a waste of ammunition. Bein’ less than frugal ain’t the way I was raised, but bein’ an accurate shooter, is. With this hastily constructed sling I can remove this slick and slimy shyster from his seat up yonder bit by bit. You want his nose first, Officer O’Hagan?”

  “Oh, let’s not be cruel, Ickety. Start with his ears, if you would.”

  “Overseer Scar’geiverre! Don’t just sit there! Do something!”

  “Oui!”

  “I say, old chap, please be a good sport and not make any sudden, or furtive movements. You see I was the captain of the cricket team back in beloved Crumbleyshire Commons. Yes, the pitcher, in fact. Do not let my underhand release pitch deceive you, for it is truly a wicked ghauliwhoughtney. Good man, wise choice. You may toss your knife, cudgel, and whip aside that I may gather them for myself. Very good of you old bean, you may now climb down.”

  “I’ll have your badge, O’Hagan, you dirty cop!”

  “Oh, thanks for reminding me, Howard. Ickety, be a good boy and run retrieve it, lad.”

  “Yessir!”

  “I’ll charge you in this too, Temperance!”

  “Gee whiz, I sure am sorry you feel that way, Mr. Cross, sir.”

  “Hey, fancy pants! I’m going to charge you in this criminal escapade as well! What’s your name?”

  “The name’s Eppington, Kit Eppington. You may find me day or night in almost any of the finer gambling halls around the world, my slathering solicitor.”

  “Good evening, me two lovely Overseers. Enjoy your stroll back to civilization, if ye can find ye’re way out. I’ll drive. Kit ye may take the fancy sedan chair. Ickety, ye just jogs along in front of our hungry zombie caterpillar ball rollers to provide motivation for our aengines.”

  “Yessir!”

  Chapter Twenty Four:

  Manor House Hootenanny

  P.O.V. The Right Reverend Alonzo Dolomite

  “Wake up, Smith! Snap out of it I say, Eee-Yes!-Ah. You have been in this VooDoo spell trance for long enough. Answer me! I know you’re awake; you haven’t blinked in over an hour. This vise-like grip you have maintained on my shoulder has finally quit hurting. That is because the lack of blood circulation has made it go numb. Answer me, I say! Will you answer if I kick you in the shin? Like, this! Unh!”

  “Uh.”

  bam.

  “Ooooh, … ah-no-ah, … I guess you are awake after all. I will accept your answer. Ooo-ow-wuh.”

  thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh

  thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh/thumpuh

  “Do you hear that? Don’t answer! That was a rhetorical question. What I meant to say was, I hear and feel the arrival of Sku Le’Bizarre’s overgrown mechanical cockroach. That clinking, clanking busy legged stomp-buggy can scamper through thickly overgrown sugar cane fields like nobody’s business, Eee-Yes!-Ah.”

  “Hah, hah, hah. I, the Mystique of San Monique, Sku Le’Bizarre, am back in my expansive plantation manor again. Here is my hated foe, my chief among nemeses. This defiant fool is being held by an equally repellent enemy turned zombie slave. How it feeds my vengeance to see the giant detective, police officer Keefer Smith, under my VooDoo thrall! He shall do my bidding by keeping the Right Reverend Alonzo Dolomite secure in his capture and under my control for his role in the ‘Great Awakening’.”

  “Ah-No!-Ah! I say unto you, you fright faced fool, by the way, your painted skeleton face no longer holds any trepidation for me. Where was I, oh, yeah, I say unto you, you Caribbean Creep, I am not going to be a part of your evil ceremony to awaken the wor
ld’s dead populations! This sounds like a bad idea to me! And then for these poor souls to go and take orders from a witchdoctor like you? Ah-No!-Ah! This will not be allowed to come to pass! Good shall triumph over evil, praise God!”

  “Hah, hah, hah. Not this time, Dolomite! This time, evil shall have her day! I say, it is time for evil to triumph over good. Let the creatures of unknowing oblivion vanquish the righteous from the earth! Praise Queen Tempestia! This world is about to become yours! Ah~hah, hah, hah!”

  “Somehow, someway, the powers of good will defeat your diabolical schemes, Sku Le’Bizarre!”

  “Hah, hah, hah. You are delirious, mon! I will admit, it seems that your friends, the slave’s partner, Joshua O’Hagan, and a couple of quickly deputized posse members, have somehow done the unthinkable and tracked us to this island. I do not know how this could have happened! This island has been shrouded in powerful VooDoo spells to keep curious ships at bay. This has been so and has worked for hundreds of years! The intrusion of these pathetic imbeciles is of no matter, for this island shall surely be their place of a walking death.”

  “Hallelujah! I am saved! Eee-Yes!-Ah! If what you say is true, then I’m as good as already saved! That Irish cop O’Hagan is as scrap-happy a man as I’ve ever known! That little rascal gets things done! If he is here and has brought two deputies to assist him, then I know my liberation is secured and your defeat is now inevitable, you VooDoo villain!”

  “Hmm. Perhaps there is a shred of possibility in your words. I have underestimated this man and the forces he calls upon for assistance previously. I would be foolish to not take this threat seriously. Bring all zombies to as full an alert status as possible! Be ready to repulse any attack! Zombies, to your buffet stations!”

  Crash! tinkle,tinkle,tinkle!

  “Naebody move! T’is I, Officer Joshua O’Hagan, diving through this window in an explosion of tinkling, sparkling, breaking, window glass. I rolls to me feet and I says to ye, come along peaceful like, and maybe ye won’t get hurt, baughtte I’m not making any promises.”

  squah-urhk

  “And it is I, Ichabod Temperance, making a slightly less flamboyant entrance as I cautiously raise this window ’cause I would feel just awful if I damaged it somehow, thus letting myself in to assist in this rescue operation. Of course, it goes without sayin’ that I am careful to wipe my feet before stepping over the sill.”

  latch.

  “Jolly good to meet you, Reverend Dolomite and Monsieur Sku Le’Bizarre, for if I may make so bold as my illustrious companions, it is I, Eppington, Kit, Eppington, that is, making a dignified entrance through the front door and courteously ‘latching’ it behind me. A sincere pleasure to meet you all; I have heard so many wonderful and amusing anecdotes concerning all three of you if we are including the non-communicative Constable Smith in the conversation.”

  “Oh, he can communicate, don’t you worry! Don’t ask him anything! You won’t like the answer! Praise God and hallelujah too! Am I ever happy to see you men! Eee-Yes!-Ah!”

  “Howdy there, Reverend Dolomite, sir. I sure am relieved to see that you are still alive and have not been eaten, yet. Have you seen Miss Plumtartt and another pretty gal running around here anywheres? We lost track of ’em and I’m wonderin’ if maybe we shouldn’t be rescuin’ them, too?”

  “Silence! You three fools are mad to come here! Only death awaits, you insolent uninitiated. You though, Temperance, I kill if only to rid myself of having to bear hearing another syllable of that Southern accent! I shall slay you all! Zombi...”

  “Please Mr. Monsieur Sku Le’Bizarre, sir, we sure are mighty concerned about our female companions. You don’t happen to have Miss Plumtartt and Miss Mimi Ma’am locked away in some awful sweatbox, do ya? You know, left out in a field under the terrible unrelentin’ rays of the merciless tropical sun? Nor staked out somewhere, maybe? You know, so they could get ette up by bugs or birds or some other whatnot such as that. I sure hope you don’t have ’em hangin’ in little baskets, awaiting horrendous torments, as they suffer the longing stare of a flesh-hungry ghoul. Or maybe...”

  “Enough! My head aches at the aural assault of your blither/blather Ichachatter! By now she and her companion should be safely within my incarceration. May I continue uninterrupted, please?”

  “Yessir, I’m sorry. You go on ahead Monsieur Sku Le’Bizarre, sir.”

  “Merci. Let me see, where was I...? Oh! Oui! Eh, hem. I shall slay you all! Zombies, attack!”

  “Yikes! Where did all these zombies come from?”

  “Eep. Yes, I say, they rather materialize from seemingly nowhere as they quickly pour in from every portal.”

  “Aye, it be clubbering time, lads!”

  Biff! Bam! Boom!

  Punch! Strike! Kick!

  Buh-donka-doink!

  Buh-donka-dink!

  Ickety-kickety-lick!

  “There’s a Boston Bruisin’ for ye me darling sunshine, aye!”

  “I say, and here’s one for her Majesty, hear, hear!”

  “Pardon me sir while I grasp your hand as I duck beneath your arm and secure this joint manipulatin’ rasslin’ move on ya. My butterfly lookin’ grip on the back of your hand allows me to bend your hand back to ya’, in spite of your unnaturally elevated level of strength and lack of pain reception. Maintaining a ninety degree angle to your arm, I’m gonna crank your hand downward, and away from your body. This is what’s encouraging you to twist your back to me. With your forearm at a ninety degree angle to the elbow, I do not fall for the novice’s mistake and continue to twist upward. Rather, I actually keep twisting the hand outward and to the ground. I don’t know what y’all call it down here, but back in Alabama, we call this one a ‘hammerlock’. You’re gonna find that it lets me run you into your buddies piled up in the doorway.”

  “Aye, that’s it, Ickety. Let’s follow the boy’s example and use these hooligan husks to block up the doorways!”

  “Jolly good! Hear, hear. I say!”

  “Yessir! These boys just pile up into a big ol’ mess real good!”

  “Aye, as soon as we secure this room, we’ll secure you, me skull-faced beauty. Once we have you in custody, we’ll be able to force and foist ye to settle down your loyal troopers.”

  “Curses! I would burn you all to cinders with my Hellish VooDoo fireballs, but I learned a long time ago, ‘do not throw Hellish VooDoo fireballs in the house!’ That matters not! Slave Smith! Stop your friends!”

  “Ah-No!-Ah! Your grip is ready to pinch right through to the bone as you drag me about your chore. Itchybod! Look out!”

  “Woah! Thanks, Reverend Dolomite! Now easy there, Officer Smith, you and me is pals, remember? Woah! I guess you don’t remember, hunh? You’re a Los Angelos police officer! Officer Keefer Smith! Woah! You almost got me that time. One of your greatest criminal enemies, the Mystique from San Monique, Sku Le’Bizarre, has you under a VooDoo spell! Woah!”

  “Hah, hah, hah.”

  “Mr. Eppington, sir! Look out! Officer Smith is gonna get you!”

  “Eep! Yes, I see. Thank you so much for the cue, Temperance. Now then Constable, I do not wish to get off on the wrong foot, eh, what? Eep! Oh, bad show. I do not wish to be caught in the debilitating vise grip you attempt to apply to me as you mercilessly continue it unabated upon this poor Reverend Dolomite fellow. I beg your pardon, Reverend, I do not believe we’ve met. The name’s Eppington, Kit, Eppington. I do so rather that our introduction could have been made on a happier occasion, eh, what?”

  “I agree, Mr. Eppington, but let’s not delay in alerting our Officer O’Hagan of his imminent danger, Eee-Yes!-Ah!”

  “I’m aware of the lummox’s approaching tread. I’ve been hearing those footsteps for many years now, I’d know them anywhere. Keefer lad, it’s me, Joshua O’Hagan, your partner and dearest pally. As partners on the Los Angelos police force, we have shared in many thrilling adventures together. Don’t you remember when we duked it out with ‘The Irrepressible H
ollywood Sissies’? When you said that ‘Patty Cake’ fought like a girl, I thought we might lose that one for the lad turned into a flaming, fighting, femme fatale. Or when we broke up that gang of counterfeit perfume smugglers? That case truly stank. Or when we infiltrated that influx of Tongan pygmy gangsters? People said that there was no way a six and a half foot tall white man could go undercover in that environment but you proved them wrong! Surely you remember... Whoops! Whoot! Whoof! Your continued swings and lurching grabs lend me to guess not, eh?”

  “Hah, hah, hah. Your distractions have allowed my zombie warrior slave army to swarm in and regain the tactical advantage while you have been forced to contend with your former friend.”

  “Unh! Unh! Unh! Lemme go you big scary dead guys!”

  “Bad show! Rather, these beastly fellows have me hemmed in, lads.”

  Pop! Pow! Ping!

  “Ye’ll nae take me so easily!” lickety-kickety splat!

  “Slave Smith! Your master commands you to stop O’Hagan!”

  bam.

  “Hah, hah, hah. Get some rope! Tie their hands securely and painfully behind their backs. I shall see to your many excruciating torments when I return. For now, I leave to bring about the ‘Apocaclasm’. Perhaps you will leave this world by feeding Queen Tempestia. Hah, hah, hah.”

  “Slave Smith, you come with me. Bring Dolomite with you. We travel to the volcanic altar of Queen Tempestia. The time of the ‘Great Awakening’ is here!”

  “Hah, hah, hah.”

  “Hah, hah, hah!”

  “Mm-Baaaaaa-HAH-hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!”

  Chapter Twenty Five:

  A Lady’s Prerogative

  P.O.V. Multiple

  * sniff, sniff scurry, scurry sniff, sniff *

  * sniff, sniff scurry, scurry sniff, sniff *

  “I’m gettin’ too old to be scurryin’ ’round these musty old rafter beams, Mini. This old rum factory is getting to be a little too much for me, my dear. I think I’m getting rheumatoid arthritis in my paws.”