The Measure of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 6)

by Ichabod Temperance

  “My word, we are rather high in the air, aren’t we? The continually upward trek encircling our planet’s crust blemish, has taken us past the expansive view of the crashing, Caribbean surf on the Eastern flank of the geologic projection to once again look out on the jungle canopy and sugar cane fields far below. The towering stalks of sugar cane are now as so many blades of grass, and the jungle canopy is far below our position. We even surpass the pyramid in height, four times to one. Truthfully speaking, I think I prefer to fall to earth on dry land, as opposed to seaside rock or your dreadful plans for me, which entail throwing me into an active volcanoe and onto a mattress of molten magma.”

  “Cease your endless blithering you infuriating woman!”

  “Freeze, punk! Turn Miss Plumtartt loose right now!”

  “Slave Smith! Curse you! You would still be under the thrall of my VooDoo spell, but for the interference of that wanton woman! Keep your distance, big mon, I have the power to destroy you!”

  “Don’t ewe troi it, Skullzy Bizzare, reinforcements are on the way.”

  “Bah! Black dress red head woman of questionable virtue! You shall rue your uninvited interference!”

  “Oh no she ain’t! Our posse is back in full force! You’re out of tricks, Mr. Sku Le’Bizarre, sir. Why don’t you just let Miss Plumtartt a’loose and give up?”

  “Aye, the gig is up, the race is run, m’bucko.”

  “Hah, hah, hah! Out of tricks, am I? No! I have a trick just for you troublesome troubadours. Hellish Flame VooDoo FireBall, do your magic!”

  FAH-WHOOOSH!!!

  KAH-BOOOGE!!!

  “Aaaaiiiieeee!!!”

  crumble....crumble...rumble/crumble

  c-c-c-c-c-c-c-crrrraaaasssshhh......

  “Oh bother! Bad spot of luck that, eh? This fiendish fellow Sku Le’Bizarre’s fireball has blown up a considerable section of the volcanoe’s precipice path! It is now impassable!”

  r-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...

  HAH-WAH-WHOOOM!!!

  pluuuuuuuh.

  “Hah, hah, hah. Queen Tempestia expresses her pleasure with that magmasmic, shuddering release. You cannot follow any further. Victory is mine!”

  “Baaaaah! Hahahahhahahahahahahahaha!”

  Chapter Twenty Seven:

  Reluctant Hero

  R-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...

  HAH-WAH-WHOOOM!!!

  pluuuuuuuh.

  “Rotten luck! This volcanic mountainside grows more active by the minute! I predict that she will fully erupt at any time!”

  “Aye, we must find a way forward baughtte I cannot see a way past this great chunk o’ ledge, blasted from our pathway.”

  “Cor’ bloimey, tain’t nuttin’ but a cratuh, wiffout so much as a handhold nor cwevice for puhchase.”

  “Ah-No!-Ah! This is a heartbreaking tragedy I proclaim! That beautiful young Plumtartt girl must be saved! Hallelujah! Of course, I must admit, I am mystified as to how to go about doing that.”

  “You citizens are correct. Though I have been in a zombie trance for an indeterminate time, I am quickly catching on to the urgency of the situation. Plus, I just really want to get that menace, Sku Le’Bizarre, behind bars.”

  “Let me see, y’all. It looks like it is about thirty feet from here to the other side. In that space, the opposite ledge rises to about twelve feet higher than ours.”

  “It don’t looks loike we can cloimb across, do it, Icksy?”

  “No Ma’am, Miss Mimi Ma’am. I’m a climbin’ fool, but even I can’t make this traverse without some kind of specialized equipment.”

  “Come on, Ickety, lad! Ye can think of some clever way through this, can’t ye?”

  “We ain’t gotta lot of supplies to work with, Officer O’Hagan. Maybe if we shredded some of our clothing, it could be fashioned into a makeshift rope. What we would need then is some sort of point of purchase. Hmm. Maybe a piton shot with enough force could be made to shoot into the rock face, high on the other wall. A bit of thread could be tied to the missile. This in turn would be connected to our flimsy rope. We would then carefully pull the thread to carry the rope across. With any luck, we will have sunken our safety sinker soundly enough to get one or more of us across.”

  “Fantastic, old bean, tell me, any ideas on how you might speedily manufacture this tiny harpoon launcher of yours?”

  “Well sir, Mr. Eppington, sir, I thought if maybe I collected everybody’s pocketwatches, I could harness the energy of their springs for my launcher.”

  “Watch springs are naughtte always known for their rock cracking propellant strength, Ickety, lad. You would be putting all your weight, not that there is much of it, on the stone penetrating properties of a few tiny springs. You don’t really think it would work do ye?”

  “Nossir.”

  “Ickety! Don’t give up, boy!”

  “Ichabod, stand up. That is unbecoming for you to slouch down into a sitting position. Keep your head up, citizen.”

  “Ah-say, Itchy-bod. Settle down, boy. Don’t start getting all blubbery on us! We shall pray for divine intervention! Hallelujah!”

  “I say, old sport, stiff upper lip and all that, eh, what?”

  “Oh, me wittle Icksi pooh, don’t cwoiy. We’ll foind a way.”

  “Huh! Huh! Huh! I’m s, s, sorry, y’all. I guess m-m-my emotions are gettin’ the best of me.”

  “Ichabod, come on, laddie, what’s bothering you?”

  “I’m sorry Officer Smith. It’s just that I don’t think I’m the man to save Miss Plumtartt.”

  “What’s that, Ickety? I thought I heard a bit o’ silliness come from ye.”

  “She’s too good for me, Officer O’Hagan!”

  “Itchy-bod, your talking nonsense, you scamp!”

  “It’s true Reverend Dolomite! She deserves better than me! She deserves to be with him! She should be with Mr. Eppington! Mr. Eppington is the man for Miss Plumtartt!”

  “Ickety, me boy!”

  “It’s true! He’s tall and handsome! He has good fashion sense! He’s smart and suave! He can carry on witty conversations! I ain’t got none of that!” -huh-huh-huh-

  “Temperance, old sport!”

  “It’s true, Mr. Eppington! She loves you, not me!”

  “My word, Temperance, dear chap, I assure you, I had no intention of damaging your emotional state, old bean.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I ain’t mad at you, sir. You make Miss Plumtartt, huh-huh-happy in ways I cain’t. Y’all sure do look fine together. You all make a real nice couple.”

  “Ickety, I doon’t believe me ears!”

  “What am I? A goofy little runt from Alabama. She’s all smart and I’m just a dummy.”

  “Oh, Oye thinks Oye’m qualifoied to say that there is a cute wittle fellow under all that outward bumpkin appearance. ’ey Smiff, you’ve been a zombie the past few days. Oye bets ewe are still in possession of your hanky, roight?”

  “My handkerchief? Why citizen Mirabella, it just so happens that I am.”

  “Well give it to me love. Thanks, Constable. Now then, Oye’m just gonna mop up this silly face a bit. There, now, blow real hard for me Icksi.”

  spluh-honk!

  “There, now, feel better, Icksi?”

  “Yes, Ma’am. Thank you, Miss Mimi Ma’am. I should have made this clear from the beginning, Ma’am. My heart belongs to Miss Plumtartt. I hope I have not led you on, Miss Mimi Ma’am.”

  “Led me on! Baaah-hahahahaha! Oh, me wittle Icksi, there were more dashing and handsome gallants on me list of former lovers than I care to remember before you, and Oye’m thinkin’ a long list still stretches before me. Oye’ve been around, me cherried chevalier. Oye have had a pretty good handle on things from the start. You and Persephone are a solid oitem.”

  “Gee ya really think so, Ma’am?”

  “Trust me, Icksi, you are head ovuh heels in love wiff Puhsephone Plumtartt!”

  “Do you think I oughtta be the fella to go and save Miss Plumtartt, Mr. Epp
ington?”

  “Good Heavens, Temperance, of course you are! Much like Miss Froust, I too am much traveled in affairs of the heart and know my way around fairly well. Heed my words, Temperance. Persephone is in love with you, not me, old sport.”

  “Oh my gosh! y’all are right! I gotta save her! What am I gonna do?”

  “Here ya go, Icky, take this one set of leashed loglet crop beaters that your girl dropped and stick ’em in your belt.”

  “Yes, Ma’am. Okay, now what?”

  “Gen’lemen, if you would all be so koind as to quickly snatch up an arm or a leg, please.”

  “Hey, y’all!”

  “Oh, yes, dat’s vewy good, boys. The swift moving Constable O’Hagan an’ Wevewend Dowomoite each possess one of Icky’s arms, an’ our Constable Smiff wiff Kit Eppington have secured our wittle hee-wo’s wegs. All roight, gentlemen, Oye think this next bit is rather self-explanatory. Let’s get him swinging, to get our momentum up, eh? Here we are, ready? Now then, forward and back. Forward and back.”

  “Are you sure this is gonna work, Miss Mimi Ma’am?”

  “No, now shut up, Icksi.”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  “That’s it boys, big swings, now. Forward and back, forward and back. Way up hoigh now, roight? Is everybody ready? No, wait a minute. Stop, stop, bring him to a stop. Hold him up for me boys.”

  “Now Icksi me lad, Oye’m gonna hold you by the ears likes this, see, and look directly into your eyes. Hear my words, Ichabod Temperance. Go. Save. Your. Girl!”

  Saaaah-

  MOOOOO-

  OOOOOOOOO-

  OOOOOOOOO-

  OOOOOOOOO-

  OOOOOOOOO-

  chah!!!

  “Roight! Lower him back into position, boys. Let’s get him swinging again, men. Forward and back. Forward and back. That’s it. Hoighuh. Hoighuh! Hoighuh! Good! Now, on my mark!”

  “It’s ONE for his honey!”

  “TWO for the volcanoe!”

  “THREE I hope we’re ready!”

  “Cause away we go!”

  “Aaaaah-

  -

  -

  -

  -

  -oooph! I made it!”

  “Hooray!”

  “Now you folks don’t wait around! This volcanoe is gonna blow at any second! Thanks everybody! Good-bye!”

  “And just like that, he’s gone, scrambling up the cliffside where he was just able to gain the barest finguh’old, and then to immediately disappear around the bend of the volcanoe’s side.”

  “Aye, that he has. That was a good deed well done, Mirabella my fair lass, and a noble gesture on ye’re part, as well, me Kit.”

  “There was no great show of gallantry from me, I merely spoke the truth, Constable O’Hagan. Besides there was no way I was going to make that crossing...”

  “...I don’t like heights.”

  Chapter Twenty Eight:

  Tempestuous

  “Dang, this here spirally precipedic ridge is makin’ me dizzy. Or is it the dizzyin’ height? That makes sense. It’s probably that.”

  “Finally, I’ve made it to the top of the volcanoe. It is surprisingly flat and level, all the way around the rim, with an average of twenty or twenty five feet of width between the outer and inner edges.”

  r-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...

  HAH-WAH-WHOOOM!!!

  pluuuuuuuh.

  “Woah! That lava sure is hot! These great geysers of molten magma gettin’ flung into the air sure are a lot bigger up close. This volcanoe pit is deep and pretty far across to the other side. I make it at probably fifty yards in diameter. Say, do I hear voices comin’ to me from across the way?”

  ...

  “Hah, hah, hah. Your struggles are to no avail! The time of cataclysmic change is upon us! You, Persephone Plumtartt, are to be my sacrificial offering to initiate the ‘Great Awakening’!”

  “Unhand me, you horrid cad! I think it behaviour ungentlemanly and cowardly to wrench me about by my hair, sir! My word, I say. Ouch!”

  “Shut up, woman. I cannot bear the sound of your voice! Be silent for the ritual. Show a little respect you terrible example of womanhood. No wonder you’re still a v...”

  “That’s enough outta you Mr. Sku Le’Bizarre! You turn Miss Plumtartt a’loose right now, you big bully!”

  “You! Something-or-other Temperance! You dare to defy me by yourself? Hah, hah, hah. Queen Tempestia shall enjoy the indulgence of your innocence as well, for it is written all over your face that you are still uninitiated in the affairs of sexuality. Hah, hah, hah.”

  “That ain’t none of your business, sir! I’m sorry to defy you and all Mr. Monsieur Sku Le’Bizarre, but I love that gal you’ve got a hold of in your merciless grip. I’m pretty certain that she reciprocates in kind. You just gotta let her go!”

  “Hah, hah, hah. You pathetic fool! Kneel before the VooDoo Master, San Monique’s, Sku Le’Bizarre! Do it, or I shall throw her to the fiery pit!”

  r-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...

  HAH-WAH-WHOOOM!!!

  pluuuuuuuh.

  “Okay, Mr. Monsieur Sku Le’Bizarre, sir! I’ll do it! Just don’t hurt Miss Plumtartt!”

  “Mr. Temperance, no!”

  “Hah, hah, hah.”

  “Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I’m gonna place my hands on top of my head, and then kneel, bowing my head all the way to the ground like this.”

  “Hah, hah, hah.”

  “I suggest you do the same thing, Miss Plumtartt, only, I would suggest that you make extra sure to clamp your hands into place securely before executing the maneuver with crisp authority.”

  “Hah, hah, hah.”

  “I do think that I take your meaning, Mr. Temperance. I believe that you are actually, covertly, encouraging me to deliberately hold my assailant’s hand in place atop my head and then quickly kneel in such a manner that I forcefully drop my forehead to the volcanoe’s deck with as much momentum as possible eh? Like this? Wah-Hai-Eee Yiaw!”

  “Hah, hah, huhh?! Eee-Yiiieeeep! Ow!Ow!Ow!Ow!Ow!”

  “That there was a sure ’nough nice execution, Miss Plumtartt! Your curtsy of crunch did more than break that hair hold, I think you sprained his wrist!”

  “Please forgive me, but I must say that I jolly well hope I did!”

  “Miss Plumtartt!”

  “I mean it, Mr. Temperance! Now then, beware, for our foe rallies. He still maintains possession of his lethal cane. Are you armed, sir?”

  “I got a set of them sugar cane beaters.”

  “They shall have to suffice. Now get in there and wipe that ugly, painted smile off of Sku Le’Bizarre’s face!”

  “Yes, Ma’am!”

  “Baaah!”

  Whick! Bhick! Whackity!

  Whick! Bhick! Bah-bhick!

  “You do well to block my strikes, mon, the way you hold your flail from either end, opposite the tether. You continually reposition your threshing sticks, sometimes bracing one arm against the other for support and always keeping a pushing and pulling tension for stability, but I shall surely defeat you with my far superior size and strength!”

  Whack! Bhack! Whickety!

  Whack! Bhack! Bah-whick!

  “Try striking the fellow, Mr. Temperance!”

  “I’m trying to, Miss Plumtartt, but I am too busy using these little roped sticks to block these many cane swings to get a good chance!”

  “Hah, hah, hah! I have you, little man!”

  “Not if I can catch your cane with the string of my threshing tool! By twisting with the motion of your swing I now have your cane solidly ensnared in my quaint farm implement! Stepping through under your arm I now possess the position and leverage to wrench the cane from your grasp! Completing my turn allows me to fling your dang ol’ beastly baton into this fiery pit of liquid rock. If we listen real close, we might hear it burn up in an instant incineration.”

  pssssssssssss-phhhiiitt!

  Bam! “Curse!” Bam! “You!” B
am! “Temp!” Bam! “Er!” Bam! “Ance!” Bam! “I!” Bam! “Shall!” Bam! “Pum!” Bam! “Mel!” Bam! “You!” Bam! “For!” Bam! “Your!” Bam! “Crimes!” Bam! Bam! Bam! “Hah, hah, hah!” Bam! Bam! B...

  Kah-Thwauckah!

  “Ow-wow!”

  “That is more than enough, sir! Another kick in the ear awaits you, Monsieur! Quite so, rather, I say! I rain my kicks down upon you in a lethal barrage!”

  “Ow! Ow! Ow!”

  “Suffer my Plumtarttalypse of ‘Gung Foo’ feminosity!”

  “Adam Smasher Throat Thrust!” teh-klllck!

  “Solar Plexus Radiation Stomp!” Pllllph!

  “Double Marble Kick for the Stars!” ker-thwockul!

  “Yes, rather, I say. You are hereby defeated, my menacing opponent. I take it on my own authority to place you under...”

  Bam! “Shut up, woman! Just sit there where my punch has landed you. After I throw this limp bag of sugar cane juice, vejon we call it, into the rising magma, I will send you after your hero.”

  “Hah, hah, hah. I grab the horrid little toad-man in the sissy shirt by the belt of his overly tight white pants at the small of his back. With a great show of contempt, I am thinking, oui, I shove his Dingle-Berry Hat head down and between my legs. Prepare my Queen! Here is the first of your two innocent sacrifices! Hah, hah, hah!”

  r-r-r-rrr-u-u-u-ummmmble...

  HAH-WAH-WHOOOM!!!

  pluuuuuuuh.

  “Hah, hah, hah. I now bend over and grasp the pusillanimous, interfering, interloper in a secure waist lock. With a tremendous burst of strength I am thinking, I wrench you, Ichabod Temperance, high in the air, your legs flopping over my shoulders and across my back. I now run to the ledge and cast your pitiful carcass down into the fiery embrace of Queen Tempestia! Like this!”

  “Ichabod! I am powerless to stop Sku Le’Bizarre from raising my Ichabod high before him and throwing him into that fiery pit of molten lava! No!”

  “Hello, what’s this? Mr. Temperance has concurrently thrown his own body backward in simultaneous harmony with the VooDoo Mystique’s murderous heave. A cross-legged knee pinch on the pitcher’s head has thrown the murder-man to his own boot over bonnet destruction directly behind my Ichabod!”