Blame It on the Shame- Part 3

by Ashley Jade

  I open my mouth but he continues, “You're not the only one grieving, Lou-Lou. You're not the only one who thinks about Thumper every day. And I know—my grief doesn't compare to yours, it never will. But I feel it, Lou-Lou. I feel it every damn day.”

  His face turns hard. “I didn't get the tattoo to honor Thumper. Because you're right...I don't deserve that honor. I got it to remind me of the vile piece of shit I am. I got it to remind me of the shame I deserve to carry in my soul for not figuring out that you were pregnant in the first place and for not saving our baby. The shame I have for not protecting you and our Thumper the way I should have.”

  “I—”

  “Say whatever you want, Lou-Lou. Tell me how horrible I am and that you hate me...but stop saying Thumper wasn't mine.” Another tear escapes him and my own tears race down my face. “Because he was, and losing him hurts me in a way I'll never recover from...a way I'll never be able to get past. And I'd rather be acknowledged as the father who didn't protect his baby than not be allowed to grieve and mourn for the loss of my child at all. Please don't take that away from me, Lou-Lou. I'm fucking begging you. Yell at me all you want, tell me all the things I deserve to hear, punch me until your arms give out...but let me grieve with you, because Thumper was mine, too.”

  My heart gives out when he falls against me and I hold him as he falls apart in my arms.

  And then I'm falling with him, because everything I've kept bottled up over the past few months hits me with a vengeance.

  He shifts upright until he's the one holding me tight.

  Or rather, both of us are holding onto to each other, too afraid to let the other go. Too afraid to break apart because no one in the world will ever understand the other like we do.

  No one will ever understand our shame like we do.

  No one will ever understand the loss and devastation we've had to endure.

  No one will understand our kind of love.

  The kind of love that hurts and heals at the same time. The kind of love that forces you to make decisions that should never be made.

  The kind of love that rips away at your heart and soul until you're torn inside out...completely open.

  Completely broken.

  “It hurts so much,” I whisper and he holds me tighter.

  “I know it does, Lou-Lou. I know.”

  “Thumper was supposed to be my beautiful.”

  He pulls back slightly, brushing his thumbs over my tear-stained cheeks. “I don't—”

  “I'm ugly on the inside.” He's about to argue but I continue, “Thumper made me beautiful on the inside.”

  My heart spasms and a painful swell filled with agony hits me full force.

  I punch my chest and tell him the most honest thing I've ever told anyone about myself. “I have a lot of love inside here. I know what everyone thinks about me, I know what they see when they look at me—the mentally unstable bitch. I know how I act, I know I'm not always nice to people and I push them away so they can't get close and hurt me. But I love, Ricardo. I love so hard, despite being hurt, I can still love.”

  He pulls me into another hug and my tears fall down his shoulder. “I couldn't wait to be a mother, Ricky. I wanted to be Thumper's mom so bad. I wanted to give Thumper all the love I have inside me...all the good. I wanted to give our baby everything I never had. I knew being a mother was the only thing in the world I wouldn't screw up. I knew the only thing I could ever do right was love that baby...but I failed horribly.”

  I choke back more tears. “I guess it's a good thing I can't have babies anymore, because I don't deserve to be anyone's mother. I actually received the right punishment from DeLuca for once.”

  He squeezes me so tight I almost wince. “That's not true, baby, not even a little. I know you have a lot of love to give...I know because the strength of your love saved my life. You saved my life when no one else ever gave a fuck about me. You broke all the rules for me, Lou-Lou and you sacrificed something for me that I'll never be able to give back to you or make up for.”

  My heart jerks and he grabs my chin. “You are the bravest and strongest woman I've ever known. It's people like me who don't deserve you. I'm your downfall, your villain...but you're my goddamn hero.”

  I fold my arms around his neck and pull him nearer, my heart aching for him even though he's right in front of me.

  He holds me just as tight, both of us knowing that any more words are inadequate now.

  There are no words that either of us can say to one another when it comes to this. There's nothing that can fix either of us when it comes to Thumper.

  There's no way the tiny part of my heart where Thumper will always reside can ever forgive him...or myself.

  But still...it doesn't mean I don't still love Ricardo with every part of my heart.

  There's a comfort in this moment between us. It's far from healing...but maybe, just maybe, it's the first step.

  Maybe our pain needed to be dragged out of the shadows.

  Maybe I needed to see that Ricardo was hurting over Thumper, too... that I wasn't stranded all alone in my grief. That he would hold me close when I needed him to...because no one else can understand this loss between us like he can.

  “Tighter,” I whisper as I sink into him. “I need you to hold on to me tighter.”

  He grips me harder and I do the same for him. And for the first time in such a long time...I feel like maybe one day...I might be able to breathe again.

  That maybe it won't always hurt so much. That maybe it's okay to mourn. That even though I'll never be able to forgive myself, maybe it's okay to forgive him for a little while.

  Because I need him—I need him in all the ways that you shouldn't need someone else.

  The ways they don't tell you about in fairytales.

  I need him in ways that are unhealthy, illogical, and all consuming—because our love isn't the typical kind.

  It's the kind that kills...it's the kind that takes no prisoners. It's the kind that will wreck you and leave you mutilated.

  If I had to choose between life and him—and I have. I'd still choose him every time.

  I won't have anything else in this world. I won't have the life that other people have...but I have my Ricardo.

  I have the other half of my tarnished and fucked up soul and I will never let it go because without him...I won't exist.

  I close my eyes as every beautiful moment we've ever shared crashes into me. Every laugh, every smile, every kiss and whisper and promise in the dark.

  “Tell me what you need, baby,” he murmurs into my hair, his hands grazing the small of my back. “Tell me what I can do right now. I'll do anything, Lou-Lou.”

  “I miss my safe spot,” I say against his skin. “My safe spot is where all my good memories are. The only good I've ever had in my life is there.”

  He plants a soft kiss on my cheekbone and his eyes connect with mine. “Then that's where we'll go.”

  “Really?”

  He nods and pulls me in for a kiss. “The complex is already on lock down, but I'll tighten security even more for the night if that's what you want.”

  “Oh.” I try to hide my disappointment. “I thought we could stay for longer than one night. I was thinking maybe permanently?”

  He exhales deeply. “The most I can give you is a few hours in the middle of the night tonight.” He leans his forehead against mine. “Please don't argue or ask why, Lou-Lou. Work with me here...trust me for once.”

  “I—”

  His eyes bore into me and I feel the impact right down to my bones. “Please, baby. For me.”

  “Okay,” I whisper. “I won't fight you on this...for now.”

  He smirks and then his lips are on mine. Sucking me further under his spell, making it impossible to argue with him.

  “Is this one of your torture methods?” I ask between deep kisses that leave me breathless.

  “Only for you,” he says against my lips. “I save these specific methods for

you and you only.”

  He pushes me so I'm lying on my back and continues planting the sweetest, tender kisses down the length of my body until he nestles between my legs—where he proceeds to spend the entire afternoon and most of the evening, beautifully torturing me with that talented mouth of his over and over again.

  Chapter 28 (Ricardo)

  I watch as she reaches over and grabs the headboard for dear life as I pump into her again.

  “More, I need more,” she moans and I let her have it.

  I grab her hips and rock into her harder and deeper. Then I cup those beautiful tits of hers and suck her nipples into my mouth, feasting on them.

  “Fuck,” she sputters as she starts to pulse around my cock. “I'm gonna—”

  I cut her off with another rough thrust of my hips. Her eyes start rolling in the back of her head and I feel her toes curl.

  And then she lets me have it.

  She grips me, pulling my cock, sucking me deeper until I can't hold back and I'm spilling inside her and groaning her name.

  I didn't bring her here for sex, I brought her here because it's what she said she wanted...what she needed.

  But as soon as we walked in the door she made it clear she had other plans...and fuck if I was going to protest.

  I can't deny Lou-Lou anything. Even the things I should be denying her right now.

  I'm a selfish bastard who can't get enough of her—and I'd rather spend our time together making her feel nothing but pleasure. Making sure she knows every second, how incredible and strong she is. Making sure she knows that she will heal one day. That her life will go on and she can accomplish everything she sets out to do.

  She'll no longer have the painful memories of our unborn child, her father, or the DeLuca's holding her back.

  She'll be safe from every horrible thing in this world. Including myself.

  And when that happens, when she realizes she's finally truly free? My Lou-Lou's going to fucking soar, because she was meant to.

  She's going to meet a guy one day, one who actually deserves her. A guy who works a regular 9-5 job and wears suits that aren't covered in the blood of his murder victims. A guy who leaves in the middle of the night only because she asked him to pick her up something from the store. Not a man who leaves because he's patrolling the streets at night looking for his next kill in order to satisfy the sick need of his.

  She'll meet a nice guy, one who will be the perfect father to the dozen or so kids I know Lou-Lou's going to want to adopt at some point. The kids she deserves to have, because those babies will be the most loved and protected babies in the whole entire world.

  My Lou-Lou's going to end up with a good guy when I'm gone...one who will never hurt her like I have. One who doesn't have the demons that I do—the kind that can't be tamed or contained no matter how hard I might try.

  I'm not giving up. I'm keeping her protected in the only sure fire way I know how. She's sacrificed so much for me already, and I won't ever let her sacrifice again.

  “Ricardo?” she whispers softly, folding her hands around my neck. “What just happened? You checked out on me.”

  “Sorry, baby.” I envelope her in my arms and kiss her cheek. “I'm just tired. You've taken a lot out of me these last 24 hours.”

  She throws her head back and laughs and I take the opportunity to kiss up her throat and soak up the sound I love so much.

  “I love you,” she murmurs and I say the same back to her as I feel her relax against me.

  Then I glance at the clock and curse.

  The sun is rising and we should be getting ready to leave soon so we don't run into everyone—but when I look down and see that her eyes are now closed and I notice the slight smile tugging on the corners of her lips—I can't bring myself to wake her just yet.

  The moments where she looks peaceful are so rare...I don't want to be the asshole to rip one away from her.

  Instead, I pull her tighter against me and inhale her addicting scent as I feel myself drift off with her.

  The sun is damn near blinding when I open my eyes and I mutter another curse. I look over at a still sleeping Lou-Lou. When I plant a soft kiss on her forehead and she doesn't wake up, I decide that I might as well get this shit over with since I'm here.

  I stand up and throw on some clothes, then I open the front door and head over to the apartment across the hall. The apartment that's no doubt full of people questioning my loyalty and actions. Or rather, my in-actions.

  Momma's ebony eyes are the first to greet me. “I don't think this is a great time right now, sugar,” she whispers, but it's too late.

  Alyssa's blood-shot, puffy eyes meet mine from across the kitchen where everyone is gathered.

  When I make my way over to them, Jackson goes to stand by Alyssa. The fact that he and Tyrone who's seated at the counter won't even look at me or acknowledge my presence hurts more than I'd care to admit.

  But not nearly as much as the look Alyssa's giving me right now.

  “She's dead,” she sobs. “My mother's dead.”

  Guilt pelts into me and I take another step forward. “I'm sorry, Alyssa. I'm so—”

  She glares at me and balls her fists. “He killed her, Ricardo. That piece of shit Travine murdered my mother and neither you or the authorities are doing a damn thing about it! What the hell is going on?”

  I hear the sound of the front door opening and Momma gasps at the same time my stomach twists into the most painful knot.

  “What?” Lou-Lou questions, right before she takes off running like a bat out of hell.

  I bolt after her and catch her just before she enters what used to be her old apartment.

  “No,” she says, her entire body shaking.

  I hear multiple footsteps coming out of Jackson's apartment, but I'm too focused on Lou-Lou.

  “It's okay, Lou-Lou. You're okay,” I say, holding on to her tighter.

  She doesn't hear me though because the trembles become worse right before she proceeds to throw up.

  “He's gonna find me,” she chokes out.

  She throws up again and lets out a guttural cry right before she collapses in my arms. I swear on everything I've ever cared about in this world, I feel my heart physically break.

  I scoop her up and she wraps her legs around my waist and latches onto me.

  “No he's not. Because he's never gonna touch you again, Lou-Lou. You're safe, baby,” I whisper, despite her loud cries.

  “No. The monster will find me. He always finds me,” she says, trying to get out of my arms.

  I turn us around and come face to face with ten sets of eyes belonging to people that I honestly, couldn't give a fuck about right now.

  “Move,” I bark, because Lou-Lou's trembles are becoming even worse and she's starting to dry heave again.

  Alyssa starts walking toward me, her gaze falling on Lou-Lou. “I'm so sorry—”

  I look at Jackson and snarl, “You have two seconds to get your girl the fuck out of my face before I do it permanently.”

  Rage crosses over his features but when I reach for my gun, he yanks her back and stands in front of her. “Alyssa didn't know—she had no clue she was here.”

  I brush past them but Momma reaches for Lou-Lou's hand and I have no choice but to pause when I see Lou-Lou squeeze it briefly.

  “Bathtub, I need my bathtub,” she whispers.

  I look at Tyrone, since a bathtub is the one thing I don't have in my apartment. “I need to borrow your place for a little while.”

  He's tossing his keys in the air before I even finish my sentence. “Take as much time as you need.”

  When we get inside she pushes me away and heads for the bathroom. “I need to be alone.”

  “No way in hell am I leaving you alone right now.”

  “I mean it, Ricardo. I need a few minutes to myself without you.”

  Behind me, Momma's voice says, “Give the girl a few minutes alone, Ricardo.”

  When I turn around to face her, Lou-Lou takes the opportunity to run into the bathroom and I soon hear the sound of the lock clicking.

  It's on the tip of my tongue to tell Momma to mind her business, but she points a finger at me and says, “If you keep treating her like she's glass, she will keep breaking, sugar. You need to give her a few minutes to herself like she asked so she can gather her strength. Go on take a walk, maybe talk to your brothers for a little while. I'll keep watch outside the door.”

  “I don't—”

  The sound of the front door opening cuts me off. This time it's Jackson, and he looks pissed. “We need to talk. Now.”

  I shake my head but Momma puts a hand on her hip and points to the front door. “Go, I got this. Let Momma handle this for a little while.”

  “Fine, but I'll be back in a few minutes.”

  I follow Jackson out the door. “Your place or mine?”

  He narrows his eyes. “Yours.”

  The fist slamming straight into my face as soon as I open the door to my apartment catches me off guard. “What the hell?”

  “That was for threatening my girl.” He goes to punch me again but I deflect it.

  Unfortunately I fail to deflect the knee he launches straight into my nuts in time.

  I keel over and glare at him. “Fucking prick.”

  My blood turns cold and I go to body slam him but then he says, “And that was for transferring the largest sum of money I've ever seen in my life into my personal bank account, along with any and all property you own. What the actual fuck, Ricardo?”

  Shit, I didn't think the transfer would happen so soon. I thought I still had a few more days.

  I head for the door. “I can't talk, I have to go. Lou-Lou needs—”

  “Ricardo,” he grinds out. “If you don't tell me what the fuck is going on right now, there will be a bloodbath. Momma's watching Lou-Lou. She'll be fine.”

  He grabs two chairs and positions them so they're facing each other. “You're spinning out, man, and you need someone to reel you in. Lou-Lou obviously can't do it because she just had the rug pulled right out from under her—which means it's up to me. And the way I see it is, if you trusted me enough to leave all your assets to me—you can trust me enough to sit the fuck down and start explaining this shit now.”

  -->