Blame It on the Shame- Part 3

by Ashley Jade

  Tyrone sulks. “It's true.” He points to her belly. “That baby's got a serious attitude problem, Lou-Lou. Consider yourself warned.”

  Jackson grunts and I see the faintest hint of a smile on Ricardo's face.

  Alyssa pegs me with her eyes and adjusts in her seat before she takes my hand and places it on her belly. “You can try, I just don't want you to be disappointed. It has nothing to do with—”

  Her sentence is cut off when I feel the tiniest, cutest little jab.

  “Oh my god.” I go to cover my mouth with my hand, but stop and place it back on her belly, wanting to feel those adorable little kicks again.

  When I feel the tap once more and so does Alyssa, we both gasp. Everyone stops and stares at us, looking shocked.

  “This is amazing.” There's another little kick. “Are you sure it's not gas or something?”

  Alyssa rolls her eyes. “I'm positive, the baby clearly likes you.”

  Tyrone tuts and makes a face and I can't help but laugh as I lean down. “I'm gonna be the coolest Aunt in the world,” I whisper to her belly. “Because you can always come to me and complain about your parents...and I'll most likely complain about them too. We're in this together, bud.”

  Jackson snorts and I look up. Only it's not Jackson's eyes that are burning into me, it's Ricardo's.

  Even from all the way across the room I can feel what he's telling me without words. I love you, I'm here.

  Chapter 32 (Ricardo)

  I watch the blood start to ooze out of the large gash in his throat. When I hear him start to sputter and choke a moment later, I grin and let myself relish in it, soaking up every second of taking this man's life.

  I consider it my pregame for the next 36 hours.

  “How's the girl?” I ask Marlene as life leaves his eyes and I throw his body to the ground.

  “She's fine. A little shaken up, but she'll be okay.”

  She scowls. “She already cashed the check at the 24-hour check cashing place.”

  There's a condescending judgment in her tone, and I know what she's thinking—the hooker deserved what was happening to her.

  I shoot her a look and she straightens her spine. “Sorry.”

  I grunt and pull out the knife, wiping it on my suit. “Tell the men to clean this up.” I stand and start walking. “I have to get ready.”

  I can hear her footsteps following close behind me as I walk up the stairs, no doubt freaked out because I've never put her or anyone else in charge of my men before, but it no longer matters. “Ready for what?”

  When I don't answer, her steps become more frantic until she's jogging beside me. “Where's Lou-Lou? She's been gone for over a week now. Is she okay? What's going on? Why are you putting me in charge?”

  I pause, not because I owe her any explanations, but because she's been loyal to me. I also know she cares about Lou-Lou on some level, despite having hated her in the past.

  When I face her, her lower lip starts to tremble. “You're getting rid of them for good, aren't you?”

  When silence is my answer, tears brim her eyes. “Oh, God. You're not coming back are you?”

  I bend down and kiss her cheek. “I've left instructions for someone to deposit money into your bank account. It's probably less than what you deserve, considering everything you've been through since getting involved with the DeLuca's—but it will be enough for you not to have to be anyone's servant ever again. You can live on the beach, sipping drinks with umbrellas in them that people serve you for a change.”

  “Ricardo, with all due respect, I don't think this is the answer. There's—”

  I pound the wall beside her with my fist. “It's the only way. As long as there are still DeLuca's in the world, it will never end. It's in our blood, it never goes away, it only festers and grows. I just murdered someone less than 5 minutes ago because I needed to let off some steam and take the edge off. That shit is not normal, not by a long shot. What happens when it's no longer rapists' who are my usual targets, but little old ladies crossing the street?”

  I wipe the blood off her cheek with my thumb. “You think Lou-Lou deserves that kind of life?”

  She shakes her head. “No, I guess not. I still don't—”

  I get close to her face, close enough I can smell the fear coming off her and my heart speeds up. “You've seen me, Marlene. You've seen what I do. You've seen what I become. Do you honestly think I could ever stop being what I am? Even for her?”

  Another tear falls down her face. “No. But I—”

  “I won't force her to survive another Bruno DeLuca.” I push off the wall. “Because that's where I'm headed. You know it as well as I do. I'm already on the ledge, about to go over. I won't do that to her. This shit ends now. It ends with me.”

  I start to walk away but she grabs my arm. “I wish it didn't have to. I wish you'd—you're different, Ricardo.”

  I shove her away. “Take care of yourself, Marlene. As far as you and everyone else is concerned, I'm just taking some time off. I trust you—I trust you won't betray my confidence. I'm asking you as my friend to respect my wishes.”

  I glance back at her and she nods. “You have my word. Your secrets are safe with me, Mr. DeLuca.”

  After I take a shower and wash all the blood off, I slide into bed next to her and pull her close. I have to leave in an hour, but I wouldn't miss these final moments with her for anything in the world.

  She's sleeping, probably dreaming of dandelions and all good things, everything I want for her.

  And when she wakes up tomorrow, all her monsters will be gone. She'll never have another nightmare again.

  She drapes her arm around me and buries her face against my chest. “I love you, Ricky,” she sighs, her eyes still closed.

  I kiss her temple and rub slow circles up and down her arms until she's fast asleep again. “I love you, Lou-Lou.”

  My Lou-Lou.

  I gently maneuver out from under her, being careful not to wake her.

  Then I give her one last kiss, this time on those full lips of hers. “Il mio piccolo superstite,” I whisper, for what I know will be the last time.

  I expected it to be harder for me to go through with this. I expected it to hurt more than it does, but every time I think about what Lou-Lou actually deserves and the only way of keeping her safe...I find peace.

  There's plenty of men who would kill for the women they love if they had no other choice...but there's not many men who would prove it by taking their own life into account.

  One day, Lou-Lou will find out the truth, she'll know I didn't just leave her, but left permanently, and it will hurt.

  But I know when she thinks about it, really thinks about it. She'll understand. She'll know there was no other choice.

  She'll remember every time I told her that I'd love her until my dying day and beyond...I fucking meant it.

  She'll know this was the only way I could ever really save her.

  I plant one last kiss on her forehead, lingering for a second longer than I should, and place some dandelions on the bed beside her, because I want all her wishes to come true.

  And I need one last reminder of why I need to stay away for good.

  My heart is making its protests known the further away I get from her. It's damn near pounding right out of my chest, begging me to crawl back in bed with her. Begging me to bury myself inside her and forget everything else.

  I put my suit jacket on, grab my bag, and look back at her one last time.

  She's the most perfect, beautiful thing on this entire goddamn earth.

  A gift someone like me should have never been given—the one thing of his I'll never regret taking.

  I watch as she stirs in her sleep, hoping she doesn't wake up right now...because where I'm going...my Lou-Lou can't follow.

  I take a few steps and leave her in that bed, in that room where it all began.

  The moment I fell in love with her while holding her in the dark...the night that ch
anged everything between us.

  I feel a single tear run down my face...and then it happens.

  I leave my heart behind with her and close the front door.

  I let the darkness consume me once again. This time for good.

  Chapter 33 (Ricardo)

  I gesture for Jackson to walk with me to my car because I've planned everything out accordingly and I don't have much time to waste.

  The plane ride to Italy is over 8 hours, plus there's the whole 6 hour time difference. If I want to be there in the morning in New York time and make it back here by late afternoon in order to kill Travine, I have to stick to my schedule.

  Jackson checks his watch. “You sure you're gonna make it back in time for the engagement party tomorrow night?”

  I nod, hating that I'm lying to him. “Yeah, I'll be cutting it close but I'll be there.”

  I decided to do this the same day as the engagement party, not because I'm a dick, but because Lou-Lou will be less likely—as well as everyone else—to focus on my absence because they'll be so busy.

  That includes Jackson.

  He won't know until tomorrow, but Alyssa has a doctor's appointment scheduled. An appointment I made while I was coercing her doctor to falsify a blood-test for me.

  I made the appointment for the same time Jackson's supposed to meet me at the warehouse. Alyssa's never missed a doctor's appointment during her pregnancy, and I know she's not going to miss this one, even though she won't remember making it.

  Therefore Jackson will have no choice but to go with her, because I know he wouldn't miss her appointment for the world.

  “You still never gave me the address to the warehouse,” Jackson says, grinding his jaw. “I promised you I wouldn't tell anyone else what was going on, but you can't stop me from going.”

  I slip a piece of paper out of my pocket. Just in case Jackson decides not to go with Alyssa after all, I'm still prepared.

  Jackson has no idea, but I'm having Travine meet me at the fight club, not a warehouse.

  I love that fight club and I see no better place for this all to end.

  There's no bigger fight than this that I intend to win.

  He looks at the fake address I gave him and nods. “I'll meet you there tomorrow afternoon.” He fishes a plastic bag out of his pocket. “Here.”

  I stare down at the two positive pregnancy tests. “Thanks. You sure Alyssa didn't suspect anything?”

  “Nope, I said there was a problem with the toilet and told her not to flush until I fixed it.” His lips twitch. “She pees just about every 15-20 minutes now, so it really wasn't an issue.”

  I unlock the door to my Mustang. “I owe you one.”

  “I think the near billion dollars in my bank account should cover it.”

  He laughs before his expression turns serious. “Which I'm transferring back to you by the way.”

  I open the trunk and toss my bag loaded with bombs inside. “Not yet, wait for this to all be over with first.”

  He looks contemplative. “If you don't think this is a good idea after all and the council or Travine will suspect something, we still have time to figure out another plan. Hell, maybe we should figure out another plan.”

  I slap his back. “No, Jackson. This is the perfect plan. It's gonna work out, you'll see.”

  My heart pounds against my rib cage. “Just in case it doesn't though, there are instructions for you. Lou-Lou gets whatever she wants, but she probably won't want any of it. That said, make sure she has enough money to never want for anything. Make sure she's—”

  I feel lightheaded and have to lean against my car. “Just make sure she's taken care of for me.” I suck in a breath. “No matter what. Please, Jackson.”

  Jackson visibly swallows. “Of course, I told you. I'll protect her.”

  I glare at him. “Like she's Lilly. I need you to promise me you'll protect her like she's Lilly.”

  I don't usually bring up his sister, hardly ever in fact, but I need him to know just how serious I am about this.

  He looks taken back. “You got it, I swear I'll protect her like she's Lilly.” He grabs the back of his neck and looks down. “Ricardo what the fuck is going on?”

  Before I can lie again, he points a finger at my face and says, “You don't make moves unless you're confident. You're not very confident right now, brother. You're scaring the shit out of me.”

  He starts pacing around in a circle. “Every time I've tried to talk to you about giving you your money back this week, you kept changing the subject.”

  He stops pacing. “I've looked up to you for over 4 years now, Ricardo. I've watched you plot, scheme, and keep secrets that would bring an average man to his knees. I've watched you lie right to the faces of those you love in order to protect them. I've seen you look cool as a cucumber while taking someone's life. I've also witnessed a moment of panic on your face at the warehouse...but I've never once seen the look on your face that you have right now. Like you're planning on never seeing us again...like you're planning to give the life you have with us and Lou-Lou up for good.”

  He slaps my head, his face beet red with anger. “What the fuck is going on in here? You're finally getting rid of the bad guys for once and all. You're finally putting an end to it, and you look like you're about to attend a goddamn funeral and lose the love of your life instead of planning a future with her.”

  There are tears in his eyes and I almost feel them in my own. I didn't expect Jackson to go off on me like this before I left.

  “The reason I've had this feeling in my gut for the past few weeks is you, isn't it?”

  When I don't answer him, he grabs my collar and slams me up against the car. “You're not planning on coming back are you?”

  I shove him off me. “Of course I am. I have to kill Travine, remember?”

  “After?” he questions, lifting his chin, ready to punch me any second.

  I look at the ground. “I'm planning on taking out all the bad guys, Jackson. You're right.”

  I lift my gaze to him and look him right in the eyes. “And that includes me.”

  “No—”

  “Yes, it's the only way.” When he opens his mouth to protest again, I take a deep breath and tell him the truth. “I'm a killer, Jackson. I always have been.”

  He looks ready to defend me like the good friend he is, but I won't let him. “I don't just kill people who hurt others...not anymore. Somewhere along my journey...my mind got all fucked up. I stopped caring whether it was the bad guys. Lately I've just been taking out whoever is in my way. Whoever stops me from getting what I want. I took out a P.I. with a 10-month-old baby because he didn't find Lou-Lou in time. I took out one of my own men because he looked at Lou-Lou the wrong way and I didn't like it. I threatened your girl about a week ago because she spilled the beans about Travine. Hell, I held a gun to your head and was ready to pull the trigger when you questioned me about Travine.”

  I hold up my arms in defeat. “Where do you see this road ending for me, brother? What do you see happening to all the people I care about? DeLuca wasn't always evil...he became it. That's what being a DeLuca does to you. It takes your soul and turns it black...it makes sure no light can shine through. It makes sure you end up all alone, with only your power and control to comfort you.”

  I point to my chest. “I'm sick, Jackson. The kind of sick that can't get better. I'm becoming him and I'm gonna ruin all your lives just like he did.”

  “Ricardo,” he chokes out. “I've been where you are. I know what it's like to feel like you can't bounce back from killing someone. I know—”

  “No you don't, Jackson. Because you're a good guy. Your soul is redeemable...mine isn't. Not anymore.”

  “That's not true,” he says. “Fine, you're a bad guy, what the fuck ever. But you wouldn't hurt us. You wouldn't hurt your family. I know you wouldn't.”

  I look him right in the eyes. “Right now. Who's to say when that might change? Can you guarantee me that sw
itch won't flip, Jackson?”

  When he stays silent, I nod. “Exactly. That's why I need to do this now, while there's still a shred of humanity for the people I care about left in me.”

  In two steps he's grabbing me, hugging me. “I can't say that switch won't ever flip for others...but I can guarantee it won't for your family. I know it won't, Ricardo. I know you wouldn't hurt us. I've never begged another man for anything before, not even your piece of shit father. But I'm begging you not to take my best friend away from me. Bad guy or not, don't kill part of my family. I've already lost my sister, I don't want to lose my brother too.”

  I pull away. “Fine.”

  He gives me a look. “Yeah?”

  “I won't take myself out.” Relief crosses over his features, which turns to confusion when I say, “Doesn't mean I'm not going away though.”

  “What—”

  “I need to go away for awhile after this is all over. If I can sort my head out, I'll be back. If not, make sure Lou-Lou moves on. Make sure she has the life she deserves.”

  “I don't—”

  I get in my car and start the engine. “I'd love to continue this conversation, but if I don't get on that plane in the next few minutes, you won't have to worry about me...because the council will kill all of us.”

  “Okay, go. Just—we need to talk again about this before you make any decisions...promise me.”

  “As long as you keep your mouth shut, then fine, I promise.”

  I peel away and watch his shoulders relax.

  I fight the way my conscience gnaws at me during the drive to the airport, knowing I lied right to Jackson's face again.

  On the bright side, at least this time will be the last time.

  Chapter 34 (Lou-Lou)