Nell Gwynn

by Jessica Swale

LOUISE. I see how it is here. Your men pay.

  NELL. Your men don’t. So who’s the fool now?

  LOUISE. If you were loved, he would not pay.

  NELL (taken aback). That’s not true.

  LOUISE. It must be sad for you that, to him, you were not enough. Il se peut bien que vous soyez comédienne, mais je vais vous voler la vedette si c’est la dernière chose que je ferai. Ce soir-là, je mettrai un chapeau tellement spectaculaire que vous aurez l’air d’une merde à la semelle de ma chaussure. Bonne journée. [You may be an actress, but I will upstage you if it’s the last thing I do. On the night, I will wear a hat so spectacular that it’ll make you look like a shit on the sole of my shoe. Good day.]

  LOUISE goes. Pause.

  NELL. What in hell’s name was that?!

  NANCY. Well, first she said though you’re an actress, she’ll upstage you if it’s the last thing she does, then she said she’ll have a hat made so spectacular that it’ll make you look like a shit on the sole of her shoe. And then she said – have a nice day.

  NELL. Nancy!

  NANCY. Yep, once I had a thing with Molière’s dresser.

  NELL. The spiteful dog. There’s only one thing for it.

  NANCY. War.

  NELL. With France.

  Scene Three

  War with the French

  Opening night. Fanfare. CHARLES and LOUISE appear in the Royal Box. LOUISE removes her cloak to reveal an embellished hat the size of a cartwheel. The crowd go wild for it.

  ARLINGTON looks on, delighted by this ‘special’ relationship. There’s commotion offstage, and a reluctant NED is pushed on.

  NED. Your Majesty. Madame. Gentles.

  Tonight, before we tell a tale of our Great British Island, We bring you un aperitif that we hope will beguile – and In honour of our guest royale who’s come ashore from distant France,

  Our heroine, one Nelly Gwynn, will dedicate a song and dance.

  NELL arrives on stage, to a musical crescendo, wearing an exact replica of LOUISE’s outfit, except the hat. NELL sings with a fake French accent.

  NELL (singing).

  Bonjour, bonne journée

  Ecoutez-moi, je parle français!

  Pas d’anglais, s’il vous plaît!

  J’aime le vin de Beaujolais.

  J’aime un bol de crème brûlée.

  J’aime le goût de frais soufflé,

  Mais plus que tout, mais plus que tout,

  J’aime votre Roi! Enchantée!

  NELL turns upstage and NED, NANCY and any extras carry on a home-made replica of LOUISE’s hat, only five times the size. The audience is delighted. LOUISE is horrified. NELL continues, the others holding the hat up for her as if she was wearing it.

  Je suis arrivée par bateau.

  Aimez-vous mon grand chapeau?

  Votre Roi est vraiment beau.

  Il m’achèt’ra un gros château!

  Charlie est le plus grand Roi.

  Voulez vous coucher ce soir avec moi?

  Mais plus que tout, mais plus que tout,

  J’aime votre Roi! Enchantée!

  Translation for guidance only.

  [Good morning, good day.

  Listen to me, I’m speaking French!

  No English, thank you!

  I love wine from Beaujolais.

  I love a bowl of crème brulee.

  I love the taste of fresh soufflé.

  But more than that, more than that,

  I love your King! My pleasure!

  I arrived on a boat.

  Do you like my enormous hat?

  Your King is really handsome.

  He’s going to buy me a big castle!

  Charlie is the greatest King.

  Will you have sex with me tonight?

  But more than that, more than that,

  I love your King! My pleasure.]

  LOUISE stands up and leaves the Royal Box in a huff.

  Oh! You didn’t think she was me? That she was me and I was she? No ladies, gentles, Your Majesty – I am the Protestant whore!

  Laughter and applause. NELL does a little jig. CHARLES shouldn’t approve, but he does. At the end of it she bows and the crowd go wild. ARLINGTON is fuming. NELL is triumphant.

  Scene Four

  Too Far

  Moments later, NELL arrives in the dressing room, to find ARLINGTON waiting for her.

  ARLINGTON. I warned you not to interfere.

  NELL. It’s a shilling to watch.

  ARLINGTON. Do you have any sense of what you’ve done?

  NELL (undressing, to NANCY). Help me with this.

  ARLINGTON. Everything we’ve worked for hangs by a thread and then you humiliate her – and him –

  NELL. It was a joke!

  ARLINGTON. There are no jokes in politics. There are consequences.

  NELL. And I didn’t humiliate him. I sang a ditty!

  ARLINGTON. There are forces at work, decisions being made that you know nothing of.

  ROSE has arrived.

  NELL. My sister’s here. You might want to get out of her way.

  ARLINGTON. And that’s all you’ve got to say, is it?

  NELL. What do you want, an apology?

  ARLINGTON. You’ve gone too far.

  NELL. You can’t hurt me, sir.

  ARLINGTON. Hm. (To ROSE.) Madam. (Exits.)

  ROSE. What was that?

  NELL. I didn’t know you were in.

  ROSE. I wasn’t. You said you’d come home.

  NELL. Oh, Rosey, not now –

  ROSE. You promised me.

  NELL. I’ve been busy! I have duties.

  ROSE. Of course. Parading at Court and screwing the King.

  NELL (taken aback). Rose! It’s not easy; I have responsibilities –

  ROSE. Not easy? You have five hundred pounds a year to do as you please.

  NELL. The five hundred pounds comes with obligations.

  ROSE. An apartment at the Palace. A house on Pall Mall. You want for nothing while the rest of us crawl around in the Alley where you left us.

  NELL. I have to work to keep in favour, Rose, I’m not the new girl any more. And I’m with child! If he decided that was it, I’d be out on my own again.

  ROSE. Well, I feel for you.

  NELL. I’ve given you money. I’ve kept Mother from ruin.

  ROSE. By sending your woman with coins that she spends on drink?

  NELL. I can’t just turn up in Coal Yard Alley in dresses the King’s bought me. I’d be torn apart.

  ROSE. You could have worn something different.

  NELL. I’m a member of Court!

  ROSE. She’s your mother.

  NELL. I’ll go home. I’ll go and see her.

  ROSE. She’s dead.

  NELL. –

  ROSE. They found her in a pond in Vauxhall; think she’d lost her way and was so gin-soaked that she fell. She couldn’t swim, even without the drink. They brought her back last night. Swollen. I hardly recognised her. She had reeds in her hair. You’d think –

  So it’s too late. I thought you should know. We’ll bury her next week.

  NELL. Let me. I’ll arrange it. Let me / pay.

  ROSE. Listen to yourself. We won’t be needing your help. If you can find time between your responsibilities, you might turn up.

  Scene Five

  Players or Patron

  DRYDEN sits scribbling. NELL turns up carrying a floral headdress and her role. She is deflated by her mother’s death. DRYDEN doesn’t notice.

  NELL. Dryden –

  DRYDEN. Wait! (Scribbling.)

  NELL. John –

  DRYDEN. Nothing rhymes with Godiva. Except driver. Or diver – that’s no good – unless I set it at the seaside.

  NELL. Dryden, please.

  DRYDEN. Wait!

  Pause.

  NELL. Survivor. Survivor rhymes with Godiva.

  DRYDEN. Genius!

  He goes back to scribbling. She holds up the garland.

  NELL. Wha
t’s this?

  DRYDEN. Flowers?

  NELL. Apparently it’s my costume.

  DRYDEN. Ah. Well –

  NELL. I said I’d play her bare-breasted.

  DRYDEN. Now / about that…

  NELL. ‘Godiva enters naked, but for a floral wreath.’

  DRYDEN. You’re worried they’ll notice you’re swelling?

  NELL. It’s not what we agreed!

  DRYDEN. Well, it’s really a matter for Killigrew. Ask him at rehearsal.

  NELL. I can’t stay for rehearsal.

  DRYDEN. But we’re doing the final act!

  KILLIGREW enters. He’s been looking for NELL.

  KILLIGREW. Ah, / Nell –

  NELL. We need to talk about this. (Holding the garland up.)I won’t do it. I won’t wear it.

  KILLIGREW. No, I don’t suppose you will.

  NELL. Sorry?

  KILLIGREW. You haven’t quite complicated things enough. You have to compromise this play too.

  NELL. You’re asking me to go on naked!

  KILLIGREW. It would hardly be out of character.

  NELL (bewildered). Have I missed something?

  KILLIGREW. Yes, Nell. Rehearsals.

  NELL. I’ve learnt the lines.

  KILLIGREW. And shamed us with your tawdry song.

  NELL. It was in jest!

  KILLIGREW. We can’t afford to be political.

  NELL. We’re not!

  KILLIGREW. We are when you insult the French on our stage.

  NELL. It’s only what they’re saying out there already. We’re their voice! And if not that, then what are we? (Holding up the garland.) A tuppenny fairground peep show? I can speak, Dryden, for God’s sake give me something to say.

  KILLIGREW. You insulted the King’s mistress.

  NELL. I am the King’s mistress!

  KILLIGREW. I know. And it’s too much.

  NELL. I can manage it.

  KILLIGREW. For us, Nell. It’s too much for us. I will not put us through this any more.

  DRYDEN. Thomas – what are you saying?

  KILLIGREW. A man came from the Palace.

  NELL. Arlington.

  KILLIGREW. He said he’d watch us burn.

  NELL. They’re empty threats.

  KILLIGREW. I’m afraid you’re out of the company.

  NELL. What?

  DRYDEN. She’s our finest actor, even Hart doesn’t match her.

  KILLIGREW. He was good once! Before she broke him.

  NELL. You taught me, sir. I worked so hard. Please, this is what I want.

  DRYDEN. More than the King?

  NELL. John!

  DRYDEN. If she gave him up. If she left the Palace – for us. Would you let her stay?

  NELL. But I love the King.

  DRYDEN. You’re my muse.

  NELL. Sir, don’t force me to choose. Please. (Pause.) Please?

  At that moment, HART bursts in carrying ROSE in his arms like a broken doll. NANCY and NED accompany.

  HART. Clear a space!

  NANCY. Nell – quickly –

  NELL. What have they done?!

  KILLIGREW. God in Heaven.

  NED. We found her outside the theatre.

  HART. Her breathing’s short. Help me.

  They put her down. NELL kneels down to tend to her, she wipes the blood from ROSE’s face with her hands.

  NELL. Rose? Rosey?

  KILLIGREW. Did you see anyone?

  HART. The street was deserted.

  NED. They’d propped her in the doorway.

  NANCY. They meant us to find her.

  KILLIGREW. Empty threats, Nell?

  Scene Six

  Nell and Charles

  At the Palace. CHARLES is reading a letter. NELL enters, bloodied from the previous scene.

  CHARLES (without looking up). Look at this – another motion against my brother. Really! He may be a Catholic – and a liability – but he is the rightful heir. But will they hear it? Ugh! How was the play?

  NELL. –

  CHARLES. Good audience?

  NELL. We didn’t go on.

  CHARLES. What? (Noticing that she’s blood-spotted.) Good God, are you hurt?

  NELL. It’s not my blood.

  CHARLES. What happened?!

  NELL. They almost killed her.

  CHARLES. Who?

  NELL. Rose. He said from the start, if I came here – if I – but I never thought – not to her!

  CHARLES. Who did?

  NELL. Arlington.

  CHARLES. Where is she? Is she safe?

  NELL. Yes, now. But if we hadn’t found her –

  CHARLES. Nelly. What can I do?

  NELL. It’s my fault.

  CHARLES. We’ll have a room prepared. My physician will attend.

  NELL. Thank you, but I’m taking her home.

  CHARLES. She should be near you.

  NELL. And she will be. I’m going with her.

  CHARLES. To Cheapside?! For how long? (Pause.) Nell?

  NELL. I’m sorry –

  CHARLES. What? What are you saying?

  NELL. I can’t stay.

  CHARLES. But we have an agreement!

  NELL. Please, take it all back. The apartment, the money, I don’t want anything.

  CHARLES. You can’t just leave!

  NELL. I shan’t embarrass you, sir. I’ll slip away quietly. It’ll be as though we never met.

  CHARLES. But we have met! And you’re my –

  NELL. Charles, she could have been killed! The playhouse won’t have me. They asked me to choose. But I have no choice. Because I can’t have you.

  CHARLES. You do have me.

  NELL. I share you. And I can’t do it any more.

  CHARLES. You are more to me than all of them –

  NELL. Am I? When you turn up with Louise – and take her to Newmarket? And York? And the playhouse? The playhouse, Charles! How am I different then?

  CHARLES. I have obligations.

  NELL. And I understand. Which is why I have to go.

  CHARLES. Don’t.

  NELL. I have to.

  CHARLES. I need you.

  NELL. You don’t.

  CHARLES. You keep me afloat! Nell, they’re about to mutiny. They want James gone and nothing I say will stop them. You’re the only one who listens.

  NELL. So make them listen!

  CHARLES. They won’t!

  NELL. For God’s sake, Charles, stand up for what you want! Their only role’s to serve!

  CHARLES. And they don’t.

  NELL. So why are they there? Why do you keep them?! Just be rid of them.

  CHARLES. Be rid of Parliament?

  NELL. I don’t know, you’re the King. I have to go.

  CHARLES. Don’t go.

  NELL. I must.

  CHARLES. But I love you.

  She stops and turns back to him. He’s never said this before. Pause.

  I love you, Nell.

  NELL. You don’t.

  CHARLES. I love you.

  NELL. You’re just saying that.

  CHARLES. I’m not. On my crown, on my life, I do. And Lord knows why! Because you’re rude. And obstructive and – and far too frank. And damn it, you won’t do as I ask, and you won’t be told – and I’m the King of the bloody country. And you’re – you. And you’re truthful and that means everything. Nell, if it could just be you and me – I’d be a peasant, Nelly, if I could. I’d run away, go straight back to my oak tree. But this is my lot. And I need you with me. (Pause.) Both of you.

  NELL looks at him.

  NELL. How did you know?

  CHARLES. I’m rather a veteran. Please stay. (Beat.) I love you.

  NELL. Stop it.

  CHARLES. I love you!

  NELL. Shush.

  CHARLES. I / love you!

  NELL. They’ll all hear!

  CHARLES. And so they should. I LOVE HER! I LOVE HER! I LOVE NELL GWYNN! I LOVE NELL GWYNN!!

  NELL. I LOVE CHARLES STUART!

&nb
sp; Pause.

  CHARLES. NELL GWYNN LOVES ME! NELL GWYNN LOVES ME!

  Music.

  Scene Seven

  Charles Dissolves Parliament

  CHARLES arrives to address Parliament in full regalia. He holds the sceptre, wears the crown. He has clearly come to state his case. He addresses the assembled POLITICIANS.

  ARLINGTON is present.

  CHARLES. My Lords and Gentlemen, we are sensible of the extraordinary care you have taken, in these times of danger, for the preservation of our Person. We congratulate you on your success – for here we are. And, in return, we have kept England safe and Christendom in repose. Led one United Kingdom.

  And yet, gentlemen, the winds of dissent do shake these ancient walls. Let these words echo hereafter – no parliament can disinherit an heir. His Highness, James Stuart, Duke of York, is the rightful successor, elected by Holy God, and that which God sets down no man must put asunder – whether he be Catholic or not.

  Do you suppose that one man could turn us about to Popery? To believe so is to damn us all as Godless. Is it not irreligious that we should dispossess a man of his right, because he differs in point of faith? Such prejudice only leads to war. And we will not accept counsel from those who expound this path.

  The crown is not elective, gentlemen. Parliament is. We declare it our Royal will to dissolve this present Government. Gentlemen, take your leave. Go home.

  The COURT all leave. ARLINGTON goes to leave. He is a broken man.

  Arlington.

  ARLINGTON. Sir.

  CHARLES. You didn’t think I’d do it, did you?

  ARLINGTON. No, sir.

  CHARLES. You underestimated me. Have you anything to say?

  ARLINGTON. –

  CHARLES. Where will you go?

  ARLINGTON. I hardly know. (Pause.) Thank you. For everything. I… thank you.

  He goes to leave. NELL, who has arrived, speaks and stops him.

  NELL. Arlington.

  CHARLES. Arlington is leaving.

  NELL. Leaving? Isn’t there a role for him in your new Court?

  CHARLES. Nell, I want him gone.

  ARLINGTON. Please, sir, listen to the woman.

  NELL shoots him a look.

  To the lady.

  CHARLES. What role? Had you thought of one?

  NELL. Yes.

  ARLINGTON. Go on, Madam. The Treasury? Europe?