A New York Romance

by Winters, Abigail

  “I am in a human body. It is only natural that I feel the physical desires of the body. But that’s not what love is. I do not need such human attachments,” Charlie argued.

  “Physical desires? Human attachments? Is that all you see this as? Then you really don’t know what love is. I think you’re just afraid, afraid to be human,” Julie argued. “You probably made up the whole Cupid thing in your head just so you don’t have to feel what it’s like to be human.”

  “But I’m not human,” he said, taking a moment to mentally feel over his human body, “I’m just here in a human body for a moment in time. I’ll be gone soon.”

  “So will I!” she shouted, then continued in a lower but still stern voice. “Listen to you. Sounds to me like you would rather die than really live your life. Like you’re more afraid of life than death. More afraid of love than being alone.”

  She began pacing and thinking out loud to herself. “Perhaps you’re just psychotic and made all this Cupid stuff up so you don’t have to deal with any pain that love brings. Maybe you’re just afraid to get hurt.” She turned her attention back to him and continued, “But you have to trust somebody sometime, or you’re going to be all alone. I’m not going to hurt you. You can’t just lock yourself up in some fantasy in your head so you don’t risk getting hurt. Love can hurt, Charlie. But it’s worth the risk.”

  Charlie remained silent. He was not angry or upset. He didn’t want to hurt her. Then he said, “The love you speak of is a dangerous thing. It is not true love. It can feel like true love, but it’s deceiving you, and keeping you from ever knowing true love. True love is what we all really want, not this love that ignites passions. Passions are even more dangerous for someone like me, especially in a human body. Passion brings out a lot of energy and if I get angry, I can harm someone with my thoughts alone.”

  “That’s why you spend so much time alone, isn’t it?” she asked then she turned back to him. “Is that why you stare out the window all day and love people from a distance? So you don’t get close to them and hurt them? Because you’re afraid of passion? I’m not sure if you are afraid to hurt people or you are afraid of being hurt by people. The real tragedy is being in love, but being so afraid that love will hurt someone, you make nothing out of it at all.” Her voice faded out then she added, “That’s the tragedy, Charlie.”

  “You must find love in yourself before you look for it in another, or you will become lost in your passions,” he replied. “I know what true love is. Do you?”

  “Don’t turn this around on me. You need love, too. You’re going to look out of the eyes of an old man and regret that you spent your whole life helping others but you never really experienced life yourself. You have to live for yourself, also. So ask yourself what you want. By God, you have the ability to have anything you want. If you don’t change yourself, then the same things are going to keep happening to you over and over, until old age forces you to change. So what do you want?”

  He remained silent. She thought he was just avoiding the question, but he actually thought about the question and simply did not have an answer.

  Julie dried her eyes then asked calmly, “Don’t you want to experience love for yourself? How can you sit there and dwell in it for everyone else while you deny yourself? How can you say you know love at all when you don’t really share it with someone else in a human way? You’re helping people find something that you yourself never experienced.”

  Julie paused as he stood up. He still said nothing, as if he did not even understand the questions. She grabbed a few of her clothes, stuffed them in her backpack, and rushed for the door.

  “Julie, wait,” he said as he calmly placed his hand on her shoulder.

  “Why? This has to end sometime, right? Why not now?”

  He stood there quietly staring at the floor.

  “Tell me…do you see yourself falling in love here in this lifetime? Do you see yourself spending your life with someone? Waking up each day next to the same face and going to sleep every night with her eyes as the last thing you see? Do you?!”

  “Yes,” Charlie whispered to Julie’s surprise and perhaps his own. She was excited that he even answered the question and even more exhilarated at what his answer was. But she did not dare show it or turn around.

  “Tell me, when you see yourself falling in love, what does she look like?” Julie asked.

  Charlie quieted his mind. As if stepping into the future, he pulled back an image of that woman. “She is creative, energetic, and never stops reflecting on her love for others. She appreciates the love I have for her. We enjoy our individuality yet exist in the ultimate happiness as one. We are filled with joy because we see the joy in all things and share that joy with each other, as well as with others. We are content with little, because our wholeness is everything we need. We are filled with adventure and curiosity, as if every day was the first day we fell in love. Whenever we see each other’s eyes, it reminds us that love is the most precious thing in the world. We serve others as one because we know our happiness is the world’s happiness. Together we share ourselves with the world. She is my equal and not one who serves me because she is complete within herself. She knows what true love is. She loves all things equally and yet I am the one she favors, and I favor her. But she does not put me on a pedestal like lovers often do and does not want to be on one herself. She cherishes our journey together as I do.”

  Charlie paused then Julie asked, “What does she look like, Charlie?”

  “She is beautiful. The moment I meet her she is dressed in a strange, long brown dress with red stitched symbols and wearing no shoes.” Charlie hesitated then said, “She looks like you but her hair is long and black. Her skin is darken…”

  Charlie felt his hand slowly slip off her shoulder. He did not look up as he heard the motel door open.

  “Well I’m glad you finally know what you want,” she said, just before he heard the door close.

  Julie was gone. The feel of her shoulder still lingered on his fingertips. He felt the sudden loneliness of the room, and the emptiness in the pit of his stomach again. He sat down by the window, staring at the clouds high above the 24-hour mart across the street. He thought of the man he embarrassed outside Juliano’s, the nurse who asked for his help, the bugs now risen from the ground that were once buried under the winter snow, the people he injured on the bus, the doorman, the people who wrote him letters, Mr. Costea and his family, and every creature that he ever knew or did not know that moved upon the Earth…and he wished them all love. But a terrible sadness filled him, and his eyes were suddenly overcome with tears.

  Chapter 24

  The weeks went by. Julie went to work numbly, staring at the billboards of plays and movies she wished she starred in. She was irritated with herself for not even going to an audition. She awakened each day, fuddled around her new apartment, listening to her roommate argue with one of her boyfriends, went to work, and came home. She felt time dully passing her by but felt no motivation to do anything to change her situation. She thought of her father, and oh, how she missed him still. But there was no reason to go back to Brookville now. Her father was gone and everyone she knew was married and miserable, stuck in the wheels of trying to be happy full-time with someone they got along with part of the time.

  Her favorite parts of the days were walking back and forth to work, staring at the people. She saw the familiar bums and junkies hanging out in the same places every day. How were their lives so different from hers? Wasn’t it all about getting in a routine until the boredom forced one to change? At least the bums were free from timecards, taxes, landlords, bosses, and paperwork. Probably making more money, too. Julie became aware of the homeless cats that lived in the alleys. She named a few of them and occasionally brought them leftover food from the diner.

  The strangest character she noticed on the streets was the violin player. She saw him at least once a week, standing or sitting on the sidewalk, strumming both somber
and joyous melodies on his violin as if he was playing to a concert of millions of people. If not for his appearance in fingerless gloves, a crooked winter hat, and worn out clothing, one might think he belonged to a great orchestra.

  Julie remembered the symphony Charlie had taken her to. She remembered the beautiful sounds that echoed through the hall. She remembered how she felt after the concert had ended, how the music had changed her. She longed to feel that way again and so she paid close attention to the violinist when she walked by. Most of all, she longed to see Charlie again, or at least hear from him, but she quickly pushed him out of her mind with a frustration that was intertwined with most of her love relationships.

  Once in a while her roommate would drag her to a strange club and force her to dance under the hot strobe lights, where men circled like sharks until they found the prey they wanted. Her roommate always got attacked before her, but that was fine with Julie. She really did not want any of them anyway. She was wise to their hunt and their lines to reel her in, and they never worked.

  On one of the boring, average days, Julie walked into the diner for another routine evening of waiting on locals, those who were too poor to tip and vacationers who were too cheap to tip. Suddenly she noticed the song over the radio, and she couldn’t help but smile. The words were all too familiar, for she had heard them several times before. A song by Air Supply.

  “That’s a beautiful song, isn’t it?” an older waitress said.

  “Let’s go, ladies. There are hungry customers out there,” Mel, the chef and owner, yelled from the kitchen.

  “At least Air Supply seems to know what love is,” the waitress said again.

  “Yeah,” Julie agreed as if hearing Charlie say those words. Julie really looked at the woman for the first time clearly. Jill was her name; she read it on her nametag. She had a soft sweet smile, somewhat quiet and mysterious, but definitely caring. She looked like she had a hard life.

  Julie kept feeling the stares of the woman throughout the day, but she thought nothing of them, just a lonely woman at work looking for someone to talk to.

  “So do you have dreams, Juliet?” the woman asked.

  “Yes, I mean I guess so,” Julie responded.

  “Tell me,” Jill asked.

  “I wanted to be an actress. I don’t even care if I made it big or anything like that, I just want to do something I would enjoy,” Julie responded. “I need a job where I can express myself.”

  “Let’s go ladies, back to work. I don’t pay you to sit around and talk about your dreams,” Mel yelled.

  “I’d sure like to express myself to him once in a while,” Julie whispered and they shared a laugh at Mel’s expense.

  “Don’t pay him any attention,” the woman said. “Have you auditioned for anything?”

  “No. I just can’t seem to get myself to do anything,” Julie said.

  “Do you have any friends here?” Jill asked.

  “Not really. I have my roommate but she is always busy fighting and making up with her boyfriends,” Julie replied. “I really don’t know what I’m doing here.”

  “Is there anyone you love here? I don’t mean to pry, but is there anyone special you care about? Anyone you love of the male kind, or female if that’s your thing?” Jill asked shrugging her shoulders.

  “Oh, it would be a man, but no. I don’t know what love is. It doesn’t seem to come without stress and heartache. If that’s love, I’m not sure I want anything to do with it.” Julie started to pile the dirty dishes for the washer.

  “Love,” the woman said. “True love is that moment when time stops. It is when you look into another person’s eyes and nothing else matters but that very moment. You don’t think about it, you become it fully with every ounce of your being,” the woman continued as Julie stopped working to listen closely, as if she was saying something profound. “That’s what true love is. You don’t think about anything. There are no faults and nothing to forgive. Everything about yourself and the other person is perfect. It is the moment you become love itself, nothing more, nothing less. Every part of your body gives into that timeless moment and all the world is at rest,” she said, seeming to show more wisdom than the pink waitress uniform revealed.

  “That’s beautiful,” Julie said.

  “Well, I know it’s true,” Jill added.

  “So you’re one of the few who has a happy marriage?” Julie questioned, noticing that she did not have a wedding ring on her finger.

  “No, I’m not married. I fell in love with a memory. It was too late when I realized what love truly was. But I see it in everything now,” the strange woman said, as she reluctantly reached out and placed her hand on Julie’s, as if she was grabbing a precious vase.

  “Let’s go ladies! Break’s over!” Mel shouted, noticing that Julie had stopped piling the dishes again.

  “Well, I guess we should get back in there. There are hungry customers waiting,” Julie said as she pulled her hand free.

  Jill stood there as if she had something more to say. Just before Julie opened the door to the dining room, the woman said, “I’m sorry I left you, Juliet.”

  Julie turned around with a puzzled look on her face and said softly, “What did you say?”

  “I’m sorry I left you. You’re Juliet Lavine from Brookville, right? You had a mother who left you when you were very young.”

  Julie recalled the familiarity of all the strange stares the woman gave her.

  “Is it really you?” she asked with a calm yet distant voice.

  Jill slowly nodded. Julie stared at her for a moment longer then turned away, walked out of the room, and went to work. From the other side of the diner Julie felt the stares of the woman who claimed to be her mother. She did not want to believe it. She did not want it to be true. Her customers could see her tension in the way she let the plates drop to the table, placing food in front of them which they had not ordered. Nor did she listen when they tried to point out the mistake.

  “What’ll it be?” Julie said to the next table.

  “Juliet. Is that you?” a familiar, yet forgotten voice said.

  Julie took the time to look the woman in the eyes. “Nurse Betty?” Her face looked younger and was painted with a glowing smile, but it was her. A chubby faced gentleman sat next to her in the booth. They looked like two teenagers in love.

  “What happened to you? You look different,” Julie replied. “I mean you look good. Just different.”

  “Thank you. You’re that girl who was with Charlie Daniels, right?” she asked.

  “Yeah, that’s me,” she nodded, dropping her order pad to her side. She looked at the man Betty was with. He looked familiar but she couldn’t place him.

  “Excuse me, I have to run to the boy’s room,” he whispered to Betty. “Nice to meet you.” As he stood up his belt caught the edge of the table, snapping back with a loud sound. “Wow,” he said with a laugh, “almost lost my pants. They’re always falling down,” he said to Julie as he walked away. Julie turned around and watched him walk. She remembered the man whose pants fell down while crossing the street outside Juliano’s. Julie glanced at Betty then turned around for a second look.

  “He’s a looker, isn’t he?” Betty asked with a wink and schoolgirl smile. “He’s all mine, though. You can’t have him. I met Harold a few months ago. It was like magic. I went to school with him you know, 40 years ago. I had the biggest crush on him but he was always too shy to ask me out and I wasn’t very comfortable with my looks even back then. I haven’t seen him for 40 years. He just came to New York City to visit his daughter. He suddenly got ill and guess who his nurse was?” Betty asked.

  “You,” Julie pointed to her with her pencil.

  “Me,” she squealed with a squeaky schoolgirl charm. “It was like a fairy tale. He is the only man I still thought about all these years. I wonder if Cupid, I mean Charlie, had anything to do with this? I guess I’ll never know. How is he anyway?” Betty asked.

  “
I haven’t seen him. We kind of went our separate ways,” Julie said.

  “Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear that. It would be hard to have a relationship with an angel anyway,” Betty said. “You could ask Charlie for help…oh that would be weird.”

  Julie stepped back, realizing Betty really believed Charlie was an angel or a Greek god from Olympus who watched over humans and brought them love.

  “I’m okay with it all,” Julie lied.

  “You don’t look okay,” Betty called her out on it.

  “It’s not that. It’s something else…” she thought of her mother now.

  “You don’t have to pretend,” Nurse Betty interrupted. “The way he talked about you I didn’t ever think you two would ever be separated. It makes me wonder if anyone can last.”

  “What do you mean the way he talked about me? What did he say?” Julie nervously scratched her pen across the top of her note pad.

  “Well, when he was unconscious he kept calling for you. Even when he was awake, when you were out of the room he would say such things as, ‘I finally know what the love I give to you humans feels like.’ He said that he spent eternity helping humans find true love but that he never really experienced it himself in a human way until now, until he met you,” Nurse Betty concluded.

  Julie put her pad and pencil down on the table. “That son-of-a-bitch, I knew he loved me.” Julie tossed down her apron. “I got to go, Nurse Betty. Thank you for everything.” She hugged her and began walking out the door. Nurse Betty’s boyfriend was walking back to the table. Julie hugged him too, “Sorry about your pants falling while you were crossing the street that day. You take good care of her.”

  “I will,” he replied as Julie hurried toward the door. How did she know about that? He turned to the most beautiful girl in the world, sitting in the booth waiting for him. I never even told Betty about that, even though that event led us to meeting again.

  “Where are you going?” Mel yelled. “If you walk out that door, you’re fired.”