Guarded Heart

by C. A. Harms

  I got out of the jeep and went to my car to drive home to my empty house.

  Martha insisted that I take Friday off and the weekend to recover. I wasn’t going to tell anyone about the pregnancy until it became hard to hide. I went through my days and nights lonely but I got through them. I bumped into Tony once but kept walking like I didn’t hear him talking I had learned my lesson with him. He will assume I want him back if I even say hello.

  I tried forcing food but it was hard. I felt miserable all the time but somehow I manage soup and crackers occasionally. 7up was sometimes tolerable along with water I was trying to stay away from my coffee addiction. I missed my wine though and I would kill for a beer. This next seven or eight months was really going to drag on forever. I had an appointment to see my gynecologist Friday afternoon and I would find out exactly how far along I was and maybe when I would be due.

  My doctor was actually on the second floor of the hospital I arrived a few minutes early so I gathered my things and walked to the entrance. I had my head down and I turned left to the elevators when I heard a familiar giggle. I didn’t want to turn around I knew it was MaKayla but my curiosity had gotten the best of me. There she stood looking up at Wes’s sister. We locked eyes and she immediately walked in my direction with Kayla right along her sides. Kayla had giving me a hug and told me she missed me. I held back the tears from seeing her precious little eyes look up at me. “Samantha hi how are you doing? I have missed you around the house.” I smiled and hoped I wouldn’t break down thinking about everything. Rachel was always so sweet to me, “Yeah things are really kind of crazy. I have been working a lot and well…” I trailed off looking back at the elevator as it dinged and opened. I stepped to place my hand on the side so it wouldn’t shut again. Rachel looked like she felt sorry for me. Please don’t pity me. “Amy had the baby we are all just here to see the little guy. Wes is upstairs and Wade is over the moon. Is everything okay with you I mean are you sick or something? You look really tired.” I shook my head, “Um no, I’m not sick I just have a patient here and I was coming for a little visit. Maybe I’ll try to stop by after to see the baby. If I don’t make it tell them I said congratulations.”

  After the elevator shut I relaxed back against the wall and took a deep breath. Whew…I didn’t realize how hard it would be to see his family. They were all so nice to me and I really loved them but I guess I didn’t make the cut after all.

  Twenty Four

  “You are about Seven to eight weeks so pretty early and that puts your due date around….let’s see. Hm…May 15th.” Dr. Overlash was talking but I was looking at the sonogram pictures he printed for me as I held them in my hand. My little bean…teeny tiny little bean maybe a little more like a dot. I hear him but I couldn’t tear myself away from the amazing miracle that I now had a picture to make it all a reality. I was going to be someone’s ‘Momma’. My eyes filled with tears at the thought and I thanked the doctor before he exited allowing me to get dressed. They set me up for another appointment in four weeks.

  I still held the sonogram picture in my hand as I exited the hospital and walked to my car. I had to show Allison my baby bean. “Sam…Wait!” I froze at the sound of his voice. I frantically stuffed the picture into my purse and grabbed for my keys. “Please wait Sam. I want to talk…please. Can you just wait a damn minute?” I turned to face him and my knees weakened at the sight of him…still as gorgeous as ever, maybe more. “Are you okay? Are you sick?” Wow, “No Wes I am not sick I am fine.” He stopped two feet from me and looked me directly in the eyes, “I don’t believe you. Your hiding something, if you are sick let me”, shaking my head I had to stop him. “I am not sick I had my regular yearly checkup that is it! Just walk away Wes…please just walk away.” I had my back to him and opened my car door.

  Wes stepped in close behind me, so close that I could feel his breath on my neck. He rested his hand on my lower back, “You see baby, that’s a big problem for me…because I can’t just walk away. I’m madly, deeply in love with you…that is not something I can just walk away from Sam. Baby you have a direct line to my heart and it is so empty and lonely without you. I want to fix us more than anything…please let me.” I got into my car and I was now crying as I looked over at him, “It is not just about us anymore and I can’t let you back in Wes I’m sorry but I just can’t.” I put my key in the ignition and started my car. “What do you mean it is not just about us…what does that mean Sam?” He held his hands up in the air as I shut my door and pulled away.

  I cried all the way to Allison’s and cried for two hours after. I showed her my Sonogram and told her all about seeing Rachel and then Wes was waiting for me outside after my appointment. She let me cry on her shoulder until Mitch came home. They insisted I stay for dinner but once Mitch started frying the sausage I lost it. I hurled roughly until I felt empty and then I got sick once more as I dry heaved until my eyes were watering. I was bawling my eyes out as Mitch held my hair and Allison wiped my mouth. I felt like such a charity case.

  When I finally made it back out into the living room Mitch looked pissed. He turned to me and I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat, “I am so sorry Mitch I’ll leave I didn’t mean to ruin your evening.” I turned to get my things, “You are kidding me right? --SAM! God Damn it…I am not mad at you I am pissed as fuck at Wes. He did this to you and then he fucked it all up. He should fucking be taking care of you…you should tell him because he sure as hell is getting out of the rough stuff and you should not be going through this alone.” I felt the tear fall down my cheek, “Mitch it is okay. I am okay…I don’t need him. I can do this on my own. Good night guys.” I walked out and went home.

  I took a warm shower and had a few crackers before bed. I fell asleep to the radio lightly playing my favorite station. I dreamed of Wes as I always do. I woke just after midnight with a sharp pain in my left side. I sat up crying out and tried to breathe through it but it never let up. I made my way to the bathroom when noticed a light spot of blood. I knew I needed to go to the hospital. I had to get dressed so I pulled on my sweats and made my way to the front door. The pain hit again and I bent over putting my hands on my knees taking deep breaths.

  I locked my door as I slowly made my way down the sidewalk to my car. I got in and before I closed my door I felt my mouth become watery and I couldn’t control it…I got sick again. I knew I needed help and I really hated to call them but I had to. Mitch picked it up after the second ring, “Sam is everything okay?” I tried to control my shaking voice and the tears pooling in my eyes, “I’m sorry Mitch I didn’t want to call…I tried to drive myself but I am in a lot of pain and now I am getting sick again…I need help…please.” He assured me they were already on the way and would be there soon.

  They pulled in five minutes later to find me sitting in my car breathing deep. “Don’t you EVER try to drive yourself again do you hear me…EVER! Damn It Sam!” Mitch yelled at me and Allison cried with me. They got me loaded into Alli’s Jeep quickly and drove me to the hospital. Mitch insisted on carrying me in which only made me feel worse.

  They waited in the waiting room while the doctor checked me over and paged my regular OB/GYN. They had decided to keep me overnight for observation but he told me that after the vaginal sonogram I had today the light bleeding was nothing to be alarmed with. The side pain he believe had a lot to do with the throwing up and being severely dehydrated. Of course I was lectured about not telling him earlier during my visit about the constant throwing up causing me to become dehydrated.

  After Mitch and Allison left I drifted off to sleep. I was released the next day late afternoon once they got some fluids back in me I felt so much better. I was directed to immediately return if I experienced any pain what so ever. Allison took me home after stopping at the pharmacy to fill my medication the doctor prescribed for nausea. Maybe to help me hold down some food I was losing weight when I should have been gaining it. I looked exhausted and the dark circles under my e
yes made me appear as if I had not slept in weeks.

  Wes’s truck was sitting in front of my house. I took a deep breath and looked over at Alli, “God Damn it…I am going to murder your husband I just want you to be prepared.” Alli was helping me out of the Jeep when Wes rushed up to help but I refused his hand. “I’m fine”, I walked ahead of him and her to go unlock my door. I heard him ask Allison why I was in the hospital and I turned to shoot her a silent warning. She brought my bag up and sat it just inside my now opened front door. Wes now just appeared severely pissed off. He followed behind her and stood at the end of the couch where I was laying with his arms crossed. “What the fuck is going on? Somebody better start talking!” He kept looking between me and Alli waiting for one of us to speak.

  “Just go home Wes it isn’t your problem. Go home to Sarah and MaKayla. I am fine. I don’t need your help”, I closed my eyes fighting back the nausea now beginning again. I had to hold it back…I could not get sick in front of him. “Wes you’re getting her upset and she just spent the evening in the hospital getting rehydrated. She was weak and she doesn’t need this…I think you need to leave”, he didn’t look satisfied with what she said. He looked at me very sternly his eyes were blazing with anger, “For the last fucking time I am not with Sarah…she showed up that night dirty from sleeping in the streets and I couldn’t turn her away for god sakes Sam she is the mother of my child. I owed her that she took a shower and put on the clothes you seen her in while I washed her other ones. She agreed to go to rehab the next day and that’s where she at…rehab. If she wasn’t Kayla’s mom…but damn it she is. She is Kayla’s mother…I am so sorry you don’t believe me but that is the honest truth. Nothing happened!” I had to make him leave I was about to lose it. Sarah is Kayla’s mother but I am pregnant with his baby and I had to protect us both. “Your right I don’t believe you and I honestly don’t care. Just leave.”

  Twenty Five

  When Wes left my house I stopped hearing from him. I never got the text messages anymore and I stopped getting the notes that I never read pinned to my car and my door. It had now been almost six weeks and I didn’t want to admit it but I felt like half of me was missing. I felt empty before but I always had those little things to know that he thought about me…now nothing. I pushed him away but it was for the best…I couldn’t let my baby and I be hurt. I had to protect us from heartache.

  Allison went to my last appointment with me. She cried with me when we heard my little beans heartbeat. It was amazing and she told me that Mitch and she have stopped using protection. She said that after that night they took me to the hospital he admitted that he was ready to be a daddy. The fact that she was doing this with me well it just made her baby fever a little worse.

  I was now almost fourteen weeks…just shy of four months. Allison laughed at me when she saw me in my bra without a shirt the other day because I have a little baby bump. She couldn’t resist feeling it. “You with a belly…wow Sam I never thought I would see the day. This is great…so flipping’ cute. I just want to rub it for good luck”, she really thought she was a comedian.

  Christmas was rough, I was alone but I made it through. I even bought the baby a couple gifts. I got one from Allison and Mitch…they bought me a new camera to use when the baby comes. It was a really sweet gift. I found a bouquet of flowers on my porch Christmas morning but no card…even though I had a feeling I already knew how they got there and who put them there.

  Mitch’s birthday was January 23rd and Allison was planning a big surprise party. She kept me really busy which was good because when I was by myself I always found myself wondering what life would have been like if Wes and I raised our baby together. When my mind went there things got sad for me really fast.

  Alli had actually booked Wade’s band, Wes’s brother to play at the party. I was a little uncomfortable because I knew Wes would also be there. He was a friend of Mitch’s things between them haven’t actually been like they were before but they were still friends. I would get through it though I knew there would be so many people at the party that I know. Allison’s family for one and I would keep myself busy. Very few people knew about the pregnancy so I think I’m safe.

  We finished the decorations and the catering company was getting setup. I told Alli I would sneak out to get the cake and I took her cousin Mia with me. The party started at seven that is when Mitch’s mom and dad would bring him in. Allison had told everyone else to be there by a quarter ‘til seven so he would not figure it out. She had put so much time into this party and really just wanted it to be perfect.

  I bought a new outfit in an attempt to hide my baby bump but when I had it on I realized the fact that my body was really beginning to change and I could no longer pretend it wasn’t. I told Allison I was going to tell Wes tonight that I needed to talk to him but not until after the party. I would not have drama at Mitch’s birthday party. I knew I could not keep his baby away from him, Wes is a great father and he deserved to be a part of his baby’s life and he would be…just not mine.

  When I arrived with the cake I quickly got it in its place and made sure everything else was setup as it should be. Allison was so nervous that something was going to go wrong she was scrambling around the room like a crazy woman. I made a mad dash for the restroom because to be honest I always felt like I had to pee. I was just finishing up with washing my hands when Alli and her cousin Mia came in and shut the door behind them leaning against it. I had to smile at the expression on Alli’s face, “What’s with you did you eat a bug or something…why the nasty look on your face?” I saw the glassy eyes look directly into mine and I grabbed her shoulders getting closer, “Allison what is wrong honey?” She cried out her pained response, “He brought a date…I am so sorry.” I started to ask who when I realized I didn’t have too. I shook it off like no big deal. “Good for him Alli, it is okay really…sweetie I don’t have some claim on him just because I am carrying is baby. Don’t cry lets go out there because any minute your handsome amazing husband who completely adores you is going to come through that door and the first person he is going to be looking for is you…come on.” I smiled and hugged her even though my insides where shattering with every second that passed. I took a deep breath and followed them. I refused to look for him I forced forward and found Allison’s family I went to the table they had claimed and joined them. I knew I now wouldn’t be telling Wes about the baby tonight. He would think I was only telling him because he was with someone new…

  I felt him but didn’t see him. I knew instantly when he was near. I looked toward the door when Mitch entered and everyone yelled surprise. He took Allison is his arms laughing and kissed her. He thanked everyone and then made a speech that made everyone tear up and even laugh…

  Well I have to say I didn’t expect this. It is amazing and I can see my wife has really out done herself. I’m pretty sure her partner in crime…Sam had her hands all in this to.

  He raised his hand up pointing at me and winked as he squeezed Alli just a little closer.

  This girl right here is one beautiful woman who has made every single moment since I laid eyes on her amazing. I absolutely adore her and I fall deeper in love with her every day. She is the other half of me and days like this…moments like this right here make me realize just how much she loves me. You are my life Alli and I am so damn glad you drop your drink in my lap that night at steak n’ shake because without you…my life would have no meaning. I love you babe…more than beer…

  Everyone laughed as they kissed deeply…he turned back to me pointing again…

  And Samantha I love you too darling…You are a wonderful friend to the love of my life…and to me. Life would be boring without our midnight trips to the emergency room and holding your hair back while you get sick.

  Okay so the last comment wasn’t needed but only a few people knew what he was actually talking about. Allison nudged his side and he turned to look at her .She whispered something and then he scanned the room
looking for Wes. Once he found him you could see then tension in his shoulders but Mitch just smiled at Wes and then turned back to Allison.

  The band had started after the food was all put out and Mitch made his way around the room shaking hands with everyone. I turned to see him at Wes’s table and I was able to sneak a peek at his date. She was pretty not someone I would have pictured him with but attractive. She had short cropped brown hair just barely brushing her shoulders and a round full face. She was shorter than me and a little fuller. I had to tear my gaze away before anyone especially Wes noticed me looking.

  I excused myself and found Allison at the food tables. I joined her in getting something to munch on. She asked me how I was doing and I lied and told her I was fine. After I got my food I couldn’t stomach it. I found Wes slow dancing on the floor with his date and I suddenly felt like crying…I knew I just needed some air and quick. I snuck through the groups of people and as I was going out the front entrance Mitch grab my arm, “Where you going?” I nodded toward the door I blinked back the tears that where any minute going to fall. I looked back out to the dance floor and quickly back to Mitch. When his eyes followed mine he released my arm and hugged me, “He’s the idiot Sam…but just so you know he doesn’t want her…believe me on that one…Go get some air.”