“You need to know how everything works. You’ve done a great job getting to this point, but the rules just changed.”
“I know.” He had no idea how accurate that statement was. I stood up and held on to the railing. “Thanks.”
Eli stood, too, coming up behind me and resting his hand on my waist. “What would you rather be talking about?”
Good thing no one depended on me to keep secrets, because I couldn’t do it. I wore my heart on my sleeve. And since I’d left my jacket inside, there was no hiding anything. I turned toward Eli, resting my fingers lightly on his shoulder, and went up on my tiptoes to kiss him.
His arm that was around my waist pulled me in tightly to his body, he returned my kiss with a need I hadn’t expected. I guess I was the only one who’d been feeling awkward. I hadn’t expected it, and was glad he held on to me. Otherwise, I probably would have toppled right off the balcony. A lot of the apartments in the Quarter were haunted, and if you hung around long enough, you saw bodies falling off of buildings every so often. Who knows if anyone would actually report my death?
Eli’s lips left mine, moving to my neck. My whole body slumped against his, moaning at his tongue against the sensitive skin. That hand that had been on my waist had moved inside my shirt, and rested just under my bra.
“Do you want to go back inside?” he asked me, his voice raspy.
If he said anything else, my thundering heart drowned it out. I nodded. I followed him, even though I couldn’t even feel my legs. It might have been the wine, I usually didn’t drink red, but it was most likely the fear of the unknown.
Eli sat down on the couch, still holding my hand. I stood in front of him, unsure of my next move.
“Are you going to sit with me? Because this is an awkward position.”
“Oh.” I snapped back to reality, and almost fell in his lap.
“Now where were we?” Eli leaned back in, claiming my mouth as he led my back down to the cushions on the couch. It was hard to keep up, my brain was going a thousand miles an hour. Once I lay down, Eli climbed up so one leg was on either side of mine.
I took a deep breath, which was totally obvious when I exhaled; my chest rose a foot. “What’s the matter?”
Should I tell him? That I’d never done this before? And I was totally freaking out because I was sure I was going to screw everything up? I didn’t know if it was possible to make mistakes with this, but if anyone could find a way, it was me. Or should I just go with it, and deal with my limits as they came?
Either way I was playing with fire, and I was sure to get burned.
I did the scary thing. I didn’t say anything, instead I just shook my head. All the wires crossed in my brain as Eli raised me back up, just enough off of the cushions to pull my shirt up over my head. His eyes swept over my body, hungry. My arm instinctively covered my bra.
Eli hesitated before kissing me again, still up on his knees. He hadn’t taken my eyes off of me. His finger ran the length of my arm covering my breasts, but then he sat back on his heels, looking sad.
“I’m sorry.” I scooted up to sitting position against the far cushion when it was clear he’d stopped for good.
“No, I’m sorry.” He looked away from me. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“You didn’t.” Eli turned back to me, puzzled. Time up. I had to say something, or at he’d think I was rejecting him. “Okay, maybe a little. I, um, haven’t done this before.”
After at least two glasses of wine, Eli couldn’t hide his surprise. “I had a feeling.”
My heart sank. Was it that obvious to everyone that I was leading a completely sexless existence? I picked my shirt up off the floor and put it back on. The fabric gliding over my face gave me a chance to check my emotions and not cry. For ruining things without even trying.
What should I say? That it was something I planned to do in the future, just not tonight? And maybe not even with him? We’d been having a good time, and I was definitely attracted to him. But I was in a place I’d never been before, and never expected to be with anyone but Devon, who knew every awkward detail that added up to make me, well, me. I wouldn’t have to explain anything to him.
“You don’t have to leave,” Eli said softly. “I don’t know if you were going to, but that’s not the only reason I invited you over, Abby.”
“I just feel like an idiot.” I looked down at my hands in my lap.
“Don’t.” He moved closer to me, taking one of my hands from my leg. “We can do whatever you want.”
“Thanks.” I met his eyes, giving him one of those wobbly smiles that comes right before the tears start. “For understanding. And being cool. Although I have to say, it’s not very rock n’ roll.” I forced myself to laugh at my own joke.
“It’s not very rock n’ roll to make anyone do something they’re not ready to do.” He dropped my hand and pulled me against him a hug. I closed my eyes, and rested my head against his shoulder. How did he manage to actually make me feel good about what everyone else pointed out as my Achilles’ heel? And still make me feel like he wanted me?
With a month left to college, my virginity had become an obstacle for me. I’d been afraid to date anyone, because of this very moment. They’d know, and then what if they wondered the same thing I did about myself: what was so wrong with me that no one wanted me? I was damaged goods still in its original packaging.
Eli had wormed his way in under the guise of the band, and we’d already been out before we went out. Somehow, the moment I’d dreaded for years, once I realized I was the last one waiting to get picked for gym class, came and went and the world didn’t end. Maybe I’d built it up in my mind to be some big scary thing, and anyone would have reacted like that. The important thing was that Eli did all the right things.
He had no idea what that meant to me.
Having what seemed like unlimited resources to choose from was a godsend. A quarter of a million dollars sounds like a lot of money, but because it was a loan, I wanted to make sure I spent every penny of it wisely. With Eli and Andrew’s help, and input from the band, I rented recording space, hired a producer and a sound engineer to record the songs Sinister Riot had ready for this summer’s tour.
Working at this level was fucking awesome.
We’d all been working every minute we could during the week we had the studio. The only time I could get the space was during my finals week, or wait until fall. I was running on close to empty as the band did the final takes of Too Many Reasons. In class, when everyone talked about their great internships, I made no effort to keep quiet what the band was doing, just in case anyone still wanted me to be a movie production assistant.
Devon’s parts were last to be laid down. He had to wait for the rhythm and melody to come together, he depended most on the beat and flow. I’d worried about him in this situation, how he’d respond to the pressure, since going to practice lately was still like walking into one of those fun houses at a carnival—I never knew what I’d run into. But when it counted, Devon got his shit together and put his all into his singing.
We’d come too far to ruin things.
As weird as things had been lately, my heart swelled with pride for him. For eight years, we’d talked about this very moment like it couldn’t even happen on this planet, as if it was this beautiful fantasy floating around in a soap bubble that would pop if we reached for it. And it was frigging happening. To us. To all of us.
I just wished that we could celebrate it together, they way we had always dreamed of.
Eli sat next to me, his fingers threaded in mine, tapping his foot to the beat as Devon sang. Things were still surprisingly awesome after the big reveal, and he hadn’t pushed me any further. It was nice, having things out in the open. I didn’t have to pretend I knew things I didn’t. I could just be me.
“How was that take for you?” the producer asked the sound engineer.
“Great.” He took off his headphones, and something a
bout it seemed final.
“Is everyone happy?” The producer looked around the room, and in turn we looked at each other and nodded. “Then that, ladies and gentlemen, is a wrap!”
Hoots and hollers exploded through the room. We all hugged each other in celebration. When it was my turn to hug Devon, I stopped, our eyes locking. Even though he was just as happy as everyone else, there was something holding him back. This was stupid; I leaned in and put my arms around his neck.
“We did it,” I whispered in his ear.
He didn’t respond, but he pulled me in tight, rocking me back and forth for what seemed like a long time. Maybe hearing me say that made it real for him. When he finally let me go, he looked like he was a million miles away.
“Will you ride with me to Mo’s house?” Devon looked from me to Eli. “I need to talk to you about some stuff.”
I turned back at Eli, who wasn’t thrilled, but he shrugged. “Sure. But hang on a second.”
Before we could go anywhere, I had an announcement to make. I climbed up on the amp I’d been sitting on, slightly wobbly. It was a little much for less than ten people in the room, but who cares, it felt good.
“I have an announcement!” Everyone looked up at me. “Andrew emailed me this morning with the tour dates.”
Cheers erupted again.
“There’s six dates, all festivals. Our first show is two weeks from today at Rocklahoma!”
Another round of high fives and hugs. Rocklahoma was the biggest hard rock festival in the country, and getting a spot, even early in the day, was gold.
If anyone noticed I left with Devon instead of Eli, they didn’t say anything.
“What’s up?” I asked as I buckled myself into his car. It was a mess, which was totally out of character for him. Devon wasn’t a slob. He was usually picking up after me.
“How are finals going?”
“Good.” He didn’t pull me away from the crowd to ask about school. “I might sleep for a week when I’m done.”
“Need any help studying?” He actually sounded hopeful.
“Last week I would have said yes.” We weren’t going to be able to play our quiz show game ever again. That, of all things, made it real that school was over. “What’s going on with you?”
“A little of this, a little of that.” His voice was soft. If he wasn’t driving, I would have shaken him to just get to the freaking point. “Moving.”
“Whoa. What? Where?” Why was I just finding out about this now? Oh yeah, because I hadn’t answered any of his texts.
“I’m renting one of the rooms at Caleb’s house.”
“By yourself?” And here was where the real news might lie.
“Yeah.” He kept his eyes on the road.
“What happened? Did you and Lexi break up?” My voice went up an octave.
“Don’t pretend you’re not psyched about this.” Devon shook his head as he pulled on to Mo’s street. “Yeah. We did.”
“Devon, I’m not happy that you’re not happy.” Once he parked, he didn’t make any attempt to get out of the car. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer your texts. Things were weird. You know that. But what made you actually do it? You fight all the time.”
He traced his finger along the steering wheel, the shadow from the streetlight falling on his face. “I couldn’t even touch her without hearing your voice in my head, with all the things she said to you.” He turned to meet my eyes. “I hadn’t realized how ugly she was, before that.”
I shook my head. “Lexi’s not ugly. Don’t exaggerate.”
“On the inside.”
That I couldn’t argue with.
“How are you doing?” Devon wasn’t often single, and if he was, I knew about it because I saw him the most in these brief spurts. I didn’t think he’d changed his MO that much, but I’d changed mine.
Even in the dark, I saw his eyes light up. “Good. So much is going on, it’s probably best I’m not attached to anyone when we go out on the road, to start this new chapter.”
“You’re probably right.”
“It’s been a long time since I’ve really spent any time by myself. It might be good.” Who was he trying to convince of this?
“I think it’s the best thing for you right now.” I reached out for his hand. He looked down at it like he wasn’t sure what to do with it.
“I already know what that is.” He squeezed my hand and his face softened, he looked young, unsure, almost like the first day I saw him in junior high with nowhere to sit in the cafeteria. “You.”
“Devon.” I could barely breathe. “No.”
The look on his face broke my heart, because I knew I just broke his. He was trying to find words, his mouth was moving but none would come. His were eyes wide and blinking rapidly, terrified. “This isn’t what you wanted?” he finally managed, his voice so small.
Tears shot to my eyes, like they seemed to every time we went to a party at Mo’s lately. I jumped a mile when Eli rapped on the window. I rolled it down and he jumped back, knowing immediately I was upset. “Everything okay?”
“We just need a minute.” I’d already taken my hand away from Devon when he made his declaration, so now I reached up and touched Eli, because I needed to be reminded he was real at that very moment.
“I’m going to go in and get a beer. I’ll get you one too. Meet me on the porch when you’re done. Remember, warm beer is nasty.” Eli hooked his finger in mine then left.
“You really like him, don’t you?” Devon asked as I watched Eli walk down the sidewalk.
“I do.” It hurt to look at him right now. “When I’m with him, it’s the way things used to be between us. I miss that.”
“Abby.” Devon always said my name before he hurt me the worst or he wanted something from me I didn’t want to give. I used to love hearing him say it, but in the past couple of months, it made me cringe, wondering what bomb he would drop in its wake. “I’ve messed things up so badly. And looking back, I knew it all along. But actually seeing you happy with that guy, your face is different. You’ve relaxed. And I’m fucking pissed at myself for doing that to you.”
“Apology sort of accepted.” My lips quivered. What everyone had said for so long had been true. I had been letting Devon make me miserable. So much that even he could see it on my face. “But it doesn’t change anything.”
“How can it not?” He genuinely didn’t understand.
I took a deep breath. “I waited eight years for you to look at me like you did that night when I came home from my date with Eli. But not like that. Not because I went out with someone else and suddenly you realized I might not always be there for you. I love you, that’s never going to change, but if anything is ever going to happen between us, it can’t be because you’re jealous.”
Devon leaned back in his seat, raking his hand through his hair, biting down hard on his lip ring. “Everything can’t be just the way you want it.” His eyes were low. “Life isn’t perfect.”
Unbelievable. “That’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you.” His head fell to the side, he looked like he wanted to cry. I couldn’t get sucked into this, as much as it was going to hurt me to walk away. “I have to go now.”
My hand trembled as I tried to open the door. Were we going to have the ‘let’s be friends’ talk, like we’d ever really been anything else? Or like we could ever possibly be just that.
“Yeah, I know, your beer is getting warm.” He looked up, frowning. “Are you going to come see my new place?”
“Of course.”
“Like a movie night. Just hang out.”
“It sounds awesome.” I wanted it to be. I had to have faith, or else the last few years of my life had been a complete lie.
Eli had been waiting for me with my red cup full of beer as promised, and it was still even kind of cold. He leaned against the railing, with his arms loosely around my waist. I don’t know how long Devon sat in the car, or if he ever came in to the party.
But it didn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about him.
“Hey,” Eli brought my attention back to him, then kissed me in front of everyone, sending the entire porch into a chorus of hoots and hollers. My cheeks burned, and when we pulled away, I felt really shy, but my smile could split my face. “What are you thinking about?”
“She’s thinking about going home with you later,” Frankie chimed in. I shot him a look. He put his hands up, like he was innocent or something. “Hey, I think it’s great. I don’t know how it’s going to work on the road, but I guess we’ll find out.”
Yeah. About that. I looped my arm around Eli’s and finished my beer.
“So how are we going to do this, anyway?” Eli asked. “It’s a twelve hour drive. Are we going to rent a van? Do you guys want to camp there?”
“Camp?” I wrinkled my nose. “You know how I feel about that.”
“Yeah, don’t we have enough money for a hotel?” Mo asked. “A quarter of a mil should get us at least a room at the Motel Six.”
“If we can get a room on this late notice,” Caleb added. “I think that’s what he means.”
“We’ll find a room,” I insisted. Please God, let us find a room. “Especially if we just have a van. By the time we finish buying all the camping stuff, we won’t save any money. And—“
“Abby does not camp.” Eli grinned, pulling me into him so I jerked forward.
“No, she does not.” I had that light headed, two beers in feeling. I pecked him on the cheek. “Boy scout.”
“Shh. You’re ruining my street cred.” It was Eli’s turn to blush. “So if we’re playing on Saturday, we should probably leave Thursday so we can get all of our gear in and be prepared. Does that work for everyone?”
Crap. “That’s my graduation day.”
“Shit,” Mo grumbled. “That won’t work.”
“How about we all go to graduation, then we hit the road, party bus style?” Frankie suggested. “I think it would be the perfect send off.”
Too Many Reasons Page 8
